Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a 10 month old baby in a nursery 5 days a week?

281 replies

Toomuchworkon · 06/10/2021 06:58

Just been reading another thread where it’s generally agreed this is a lot / potentially too much and I’m all worried now.

Honestly, would you be judging me harshly?

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 06/10/2021 13:52

You do know they also nap in nursery, don't you? If you're going to be persnickety about sleep time, be consistent about it.

Presumably a similar amount of time as they also nap on the weekend?...if we are going to be persnickety about it?

The point is, it's a lot. Saying they are home for 128 hours of 168 hour week, minimises the time they are away from home in a way I'm sure people wouldn't appreciate if an employer did it.

FourTeaFallOut · 06/10/2021 13:56

And I don't judge the op, or anyone, for using a nursery ft. It's a perfectly good option but I think it's a shame that families have been hamstrung by a system that makes this a necessity.

Polmuggle · 06/10/2021 13:59

@Anordinarymum

If OP has to work and has no choice in the matter, then this is what nurseries are for. If OP is choosing to work and put her child in a nursery then I would be wondering why she even had the baby?
Jesus Christ.
TheNinny · 06/10/2021 14:00

In other countries such as the US it’s normal to put children in full time before that age if both parents work full time. The children I know that have been in from early, say 6 months or even 3 months are doing really well.

I work full time but my DD is in 3 days (from 12 months) and the rest is a mix of in-laws and DH (shifts) but I wouldn’t hesitate to have had her in full time if necessary. She’s in a great nursery near my workplace so we spend the 45 min commute together singing songs (she’s almost 2 now) etc. It’s me doing the morning routine and dinner, play then bed routine so she certainly sees me everyday for good quality time. She’s taken really well to nursery and routine and is doing very well with regard to milestones etc.
She is likely our only child so the interaction with other kidsis great. Her cousins who were kept home but who are at least a year older, struggle with sharing and socialisation and are behind in speech so it’s not always great for them being home all day, especially where we live (rural) with limited options for baby groups etc as it is.

FloconDeNeige · 06/10/2021 14:00

hamstrung by a system that makes this a necessity.

But many women aren’t hamstrung by necessity. They make an active choice. Financially providing for your children is the most important job there is. There’s absolutely no shame in it.

FloconDeNeige · 06/10/2021 14:02

@Anordinarymum

Why did your kid’s father even have a baby?

Anordinarymum · 06/10/2021 14:17

[quote FloconDeNeige]@Anordinarymum

Why did your kid’s father even have a baby?[/quote]
I have an opinion which is as valid as anyone else's. I had three children all very close and I worked because I had to. I would have loved to be able to stay at home but we needed the money.

So I worked part time and looked after my children. I had children because I wanted to be a mother. It is not a crime to want to look after your child.

Crack on men haters:)

MumInBrussels · 06/10/2021 14:17

In case it helps reassure you, the vast majority of children here in Belgium are in crèche full time from the age of 5 or 6 months, if not before. It's not necessarily easy for the parents, but people need to work, crèches are subsidised by the government, and the whole country isn't full of maladjusted adults with attachment issues who hate their parents. I'm sure your kid will be fine, OP!

FloconDeNeige · 06/10/2021 14:19

@Anordinarymum

You didn’t answer the question. Why did your kid’s father bother having them?

FourTeaFallOut · 06/10/2021 14:20

But many women aren’t hamstrung by necessity. They make an active choice. Financially providing for your children is the most important job there is. There’s absolutely no shame in it.

The entire burden of a baby's needs falls to both the mum and the dad. And I don't think this would be the choice that people would make if employment rights were stronger for parents, the housing stock wasn't so expensive and if the way jobs are distributed across the country didn't mean that often people move away from a support network that in time gone by would have filled child care hours here and there to reduce the amount of time a baby spent in nursery care.

It's not an active choice if it's your only reasonable option though.

BoringBettie · 06/10/2021 14:23

I wouldn’t judge you at all. I didn’t do it, but childcare cost more than I earned. Women should stop judging each other!

SkinnyMirror · 06/10/2021 14:23

So I worked part time and looked after my children
Isn't it wonderful that you had that choice. It is great that we live in a time and a society where women are able to make these choices.

I had children because I wanted to be a mother
Me too. Just because a women also chooses to work doesn't detract from that or make you less of a mother.

It is not a crime to want to look after your child

Not one person has suggested that. Of course it isn't. Again, it comes back to my comment about choices. We're lucky to have the choice.

Crack on men haters

I don't hate men. Why does asking you if you would ask the same questions to a child's dad make anyone a man hater? It's simply pointing out the hypocrisy of criticising and judging women for doing what men have always done.

FloconDeNeige · 06/10/2021 14:24

I think you’re seriously underestimating women’s desire for their own careers, financial security and identity beyond that of mother.

You only need look to China, where they’re now trying to encourage women to have more children, and have been met with resistance because many women don’t wish to give up their jobs and stay at home with children.

FourTeaFallOut · 06/10/2021 14:26

I think you are underestimating the desire parents have to spend more time with their children, especially when they are young.

FloconDeNeige · 06/10/2021 14:32

I don’t think so. And let’s face it, you don’t mean parents do you, you mean women, specifically. If women earned as much as men and weren’t so horribly judged by people like you for wanting to provide for their children, I imagine almost as many of them would be as keen to maintain their careers as men.

SkinnyMirror · 06/10/2021 14:34

I think you’re seriously underestimating women’s desire for their own careers, financial security and identity beyond that of mother.

I think you are underestimating the desire parents have to spend more time with their children, especially when they are young.

Neither of these are wrong so we shouldn't be judging women for making different choices to the ones we've made whether that be through necessity or genuine choice.

FourTeaFallOut · 06/10/2021 14:36

You can get knotted. I mean families. People like me? So that would be families where both parents split their working hours so both could work, using childminders and family and nursery to make it work.

You've made the MN assumption that because we disagree on a subject you think I am entirely opposite to you.

SkinnyMirror · 06/10/2021 14:36

If women earned as much as men and weren’t so horribly judged by people like you for wanting to provide for their children, I imagine almost as many of them would be as keen to maintain their careers as men.

This is a good point though. There are some very real structural issues which can influence the choices women make.

vivainsomnia · 06/10/2021 14:38

Financially providing for your children is the most important job there is. There’s absolutely no shame in it
This! Ultimately, we just don't know the future.

When I had children with my ex, I was t to know that we would separate oy a few years later. Before we had kids, we earned the same income. We could have decided that I'd become a SAHM for a few years or maybe more. He could have seen his income significantly increase so that we could easily afford it and the kids would have not gone without anything whilst having mum at home to meet all their needs and all live happy ever after. Going back FT would have been a pity for the kids.

Or as it happened, we separated, he lost his job, I got no maintenance, and if it wasn't for me working FT all that time, getting promoted before the separation, I wouldn't have been able to buy him out and keep the house.

I wouldn't have been able to send them to fun activities, take them abroad and do many things to wider their knowledge of the world.

Ultimately, I would say I was a good mum, but nursery gave them another side of learning and fun I wasn't very good at providing. It was very complementary and they benefitted from it.

There is no right or wrong as a principe but it certainly turned out to be the best decision for me and my kids as life evolved.

FloconDeNeige · 06/10/2021 14:40

Neither of these are wrong

This is true. Personally, I think 12 months of parental leave is a good option for most people. It gives those who do want to be at home full-time with the baby, the possibility to do so whilst still maintaining their employment. And for those who don’t want as long, well then they don’t need to take it all.

hangrylady · 06/10/2021 14:46

My DD was in 5 days a week from 6 months because I needed to work. Mum's are judged whatever they do so just do what's right for you and your family. My DD is 11 now, funny, clever and we are very close so it obviously didn't traumatise her too badly.

DoNotGetADog · 06/10/2021 14:46

@HandScreen

Yep, we put both of our children in full time from 7 months. They were delighted and formed strong bonds with their care givers there. Very happy, secure children (now 7 and 4).
I think you’re kidding yourself that your 7 month olds were “delighted” to go to nursery full time.
Isababybel · 06/10/2021 14:51

My dd was at nursery fulltime by 11months and she is fine!
I cant believe that anyone could be judged for working full time? Its not exactly a lazy lifestyle choice!

garlictwist · 06/10/2021 14:53

I was in nursery full time from the age of 6 months. I'm 40 now, have no memory of anything and have a very good relationship with my parents so I really think it's absolutely fine.

Hardbackwriter · 06/10/2021 14:53

@FourTeaFallOut

I think you are underestimating the desire parents have to spend more time with their children, especially when they are young.
I'm always perplexed by the people who assume that all mothers would choose to care for their children 24/7 if there was no financial necessity to work. The richest women basically never do this - they always have nannies, usually from birth. And this has been true for most of history - the richest women, with the luxury of choice, don't devote themselves entirely to childrearing. And the richest men very clearly and obviously don't use that money to mean they can spend all day with their children (and absolutely no one expects that they will).

It's like when people talk about how cosleeping is the norm in many societies. Which is true, but it's rarely practiced by the richest in that society, which suggests something about how far it's an economic necessity rather than something that everyone sees as so lovely they actively choose to do it...