To have a 10 month old baby in a nursery 5 days a week?

[Toomuchworkon]

Just been reading another thread where it’s generally agreed this is a lot / potentially too much and I’m all worried now.

Honestly, would you be judging me harshly?

More than 2% would say 'no' obviously.

We need more men making use of parental leave. The more they do, the more childcare will be seen as a shared responsibility rather than primarily the preserve of the mother. In the same way, the role of ‘provider’ will also be seen more equally too, rather than primarily the preserve of the father.

Which will make for happier parents all round as men won’t be judged for not taking their work seriously to spend time with their kids and women won’t be judged as inferior mothers for being breadwinners.

@DoNotGetADog I know, that’s my point?

If it happened at nursery - I don’t know, it doesn’t make any difference, so when DH and I saw it was the ‘first time’.

And my boys loved going to nursery. They didn’t cry ever going in!

Thanks hardbackwriter - just fighting to get out of the role of the anti-feminist supervillain because I think 40 hours in a nursery can be hard going for everyone in a family.

I do think the take-up for working flexibility for fathers is woeful, on the whole. I think working culture among men closes down the opportunities that legislation and company policies open up but we won't ever know until that culture changes, which won't change until men change...who knows how that'll work out but it seems to be playing out at a glacial speed.

It is fine and anyone that openly judges you or maes disparaging comments is a total cunt.

And the arguments around spl is only relevant till 9 months old as after that neither parent would be paid mat/parental care, at that point, regardless who had been off, if you need 2 incomes for your household then both parents are at work.

@FloconDeNeige

We need more men making use of parental leave. The more they do, the more childcare will be seen as a shared responsibility rather than primarily the preserve of the mother. In the same way, the role of ‘provider’ will also be seen more equally too, rather than primarily the preserve of the father.

Which will make for happier parents all round as men won’t be judged for not taking their work seriously to spend time with their kids and women won’t be judged as inferior mothers for being breadwinners.

This is key. And it needs to be taught from a young age.

When you ask men and women about their career choices it's very common for women to have factored in the impact of having children before they've even had them - so they're more likely to go for jobs that are seen as flexible and family friendly.
I'm my many,many years or researching this I've never come across a man saying that he factored future childcare into his career plans.

Just think children need their mums - those whose children/babies have been cared for by others in their early years - will be fine - they won't know any different - anyway everyone has their own opinion - put your big girl pants on and understand that.

Just think children need their mums
Not dads too?

@DinkyDaffodil

Just think children need their mums - those whose children/babies have been cared for by others in their early years - will be fine - they won't know any different - anyway everyone has their own opinion - put your big girl pants on and understand that.

But they don't need their dad and its ok for the dad to work fulltime and it doesn't impact the child at all?

[quote Suspicioussam]@Hardbackwriter we have had a fantastic shared parental leave take up at our company. Loads of men have taken between 3-6 months off and loved it. I think it is one of the most welcomed policy changes I've seen actually and most men I know who've had a baby have taken at least a couple of months.
Maybe the issue in many companies is the fear of judgement from employers (many don't actually support men taking it in reality as they aren't forward thinking) and partners who don't want to sacrifice any of their leave.[/quote]
I'd agree with this, I think it is coming along and big improvements being made. My partner is the third man on his smallish team to be taking it, and it's full pay for 4.5 months for him at any point in the first year.

A lot of companies have changed their shared parental leave entitlement for men, and given similar benefits to maternity leave. In my circle quite a few men have taken it, or are taking it. However I do know the take up wasn't big nationally when they last released the data, so obviously not that many people are making use of it yet. Does take a while for a cultural shift though

Just think children need their mums

I don’t think mums are inherently better parents than dads and I feel quite sad for all the loving dads who are viewed as second class parents by some people.

I wouldn’t judge you at all @Toomuchworkon

Mums judging other mums for working or not working is the worst thing on MN.

Over the years I’ve worked full time, part time and had a brief spell as a SAHM and in each scenario my dc have been happy, settled and loved.

No judgement here. This mum thing is hard enough without other mums thinking their way is better than yours.

Just think children need their mums
They still get their mums, dads, grandparents etc and also the benefit of attention from others too. Mums really don't need to be hovering at their child's side 24/7
I have a great relationship with my kids and both went to nursery. They also got the benefit of a sane mum (I love my career, most of the time) who didn't resent them in any way and also as I'm disabled, nursery enabled them to do things with them I'm physically not able to (get down on the floor to play)
I didn't miss out on any key moments, in fact I would say that good childcare enabled us to enjoy those moments and lots of special times because we savoured them as so special rather than being part of the mundane everyday.
I would say good childcare is the key as obviously rubbish childcare can be crap but that's not just limited to childcare, rubbish parenting can also be damaging.
My mum excelled at being a crap mum when I was a child so I can say with some certainty I wish she had less involvement in my life back then.

I wouldn’t “judge you harshly” as I know most people do what needs to be done. But developmentally babies need secure attachments to a small number of people so ideally I think a baby is best cared for by a parent, relative or nanny. However many, many people aren’t in a position to do that. So zero judgement for you, definitely judgement for our society that we don’t offer paid leave for two years which would be in children’s best interests.

I’ve said it before but I really don’t understand why people think it’s acceptable to say to working mothers (let’s face it, it’s never said to men) ‘why bother having a child if you aren’t going to raise them’ or something similar.

Have you actually thought about what you’re actually saying and what it means? Would you say it to someone in real life or is it just something you say to be spiteful on the Internet? Either way you really need to sit back and reflect on your empathy and social skills - or lack thereof.

Ironically, empathy is pretty key to being a good parent. Spite categorically isn’t. I’d bet that a child’s better off spending 40 hours a week in nursery and the rest of the time with someone who actually has some empathy than spending every waking hour with a parent who doesn’t.

They still get their mums, dads, grandparents etc and also the benefit of attention from others too. Mums really don't need to be hovering at their child's side 24/7

Absolutely. My DS definitely benefits/has benefitted from a wide range of interactions from nursery, after school club, family, friends etc. We've taken a 'it takes a village' approach and it's worked well.

I'm a better mum for working. I love my job and it is a privilege to be able to work and be a parent.

I'm also self aware enough to understand that our way isn't the only way and wouldn't work for everyone.

It's not great for under 2s. There's a whole host of research showing it's not ideal. Have a look through the research and decide for yourself. Ts not a choice I would make for my own kids but I certainly wouldn't judge you.

huntersfieldec.com/

Wrong link!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/02/nurseries-childcare-pre-school-cortisol

@Pices

Some people can’t simply ‘research and decide for themselves.’
Many people need to work for financial reasons.
That article you’ve posted will just make some working mums on this thread worry and feel guilty

@Pices
The research also showed that good-quality childcare had a positive effect on cognitive and language development.
And either way, the effects were very small.

Therefore, parents need to use knowledge and observation of their own children to judge whether it’s right for them. Personally, my kids have always really enjoyed crèche and we’ve had zero problems (DS2 sometimes even asks to go on a Saturday!), so I’m entirely confident that it has been the right decision. If they’d have not settled or otherwise struggled, we’d have looked at other options, but fortunately this never arose.

I'm a university academic in an education faculty at a university. While early childhood education isn't my specialist subject I do teach and moderate work on modules attached to our childhood studies degree programmes. This means I'm quite familiar with the research.

It's not as black and white as people suggest. The key bits of information to take away are:

• quality of childcare is key. Most quality research will acknowledge this.
• poverty is the biggest indicator of ongoing issues and disadvantage as it usually means there are other things going in at home.
• poor families tend to be using poorer childcare which exacerbates the issue

Interestingly, all the academics that teach on our early years and childhood studies degrees have used childcare themselves. I think that speaks volumes!

I would not judge anyone in the slightest for using full time nursery as childcare.

However since you have asked for opinions I personally wouldn’t choose it and it wouldn’t have been right for me or my children.

@Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss if the OP is sending her baby to a nursery with a low turnover of staff the baby will bond with it's key worker and will be fine.

I send mine to a CM partly because the nearest nursery to me, which is literally on my doorstep, has a high staff turnover.

Also I have friends and acquaintances in countries where they give women that long off. Those women who are clever actually find looking after babies and young toddlers full-time boring, and have found there is no formal childcare for children under 2 so you have to use relations. Only one could do that due to living near both sides relations.