Page 3 | If you are a mum looking after your kids day to day, did give realise you were a ‘SAHM’ before coming on MN?

sangak · 2021-10-05T11:22:57+00:00

It always strikes me, that MN always has much to say about so-called ‘SAHMs.’ But if you said ‘SAHM’ (pronouncing it as ‘Sarm’) in real-life, nobody would know what this is. I know many women who don’t work due to children / family, but not one of them would know they were ‘Sarms’ [grin] or even recognise what ‘SAHM’ stands for - or that it is even considered ‘a thing.’ Just seems weird that the whole debate on here is so removed from real life.

Original poster

sangak · 05/10/2021 13:11

And no, I’m not saying women with jobs aren’t mums. What an odd thing to say. I’m just being honest, that in 15 years and as someone who mostly knows women / neighbours / friends who don’t work or who didn’t work for various stints, the term “stay at home” does not get used in conversation.

It might get used on the TV yes, or on forms perhaps. But it’s not a term I would think of as default, or use in conversation. Nor does anyone else round here.

OP posts:

JoborPlay · 05/10/2021 13:11

@sangak

Well I would just say I was a mum

Oh me too. So what do you do? I say I work in the NHS, do you just repeat "I'm a mum"? Because that suggests that you think mothers who work aren't mum's!

Stay at home mum or full time mum are commonly used in my area to distinguish between those who returned to work and those who didn't.

Tittyfilarious81 · 05/10/2021 13:12

In my neck of the woods we are just called housewives 😁

MattyGroves · 05/10/2021 13:12

In the UK, 75% of mothers work so your experience has been unusual.

Mumsnet is interesting for showing different perspectives. I don't have any friends who considered being a SAHM but I guess for some areas of the country/groups it is the default

In4mation · 05/10/2021 13:12

Is this a class thing maybe?

RubyFakeLips · 05/10/2021 13:13

Are you mixing with lots of people who aren’t working (for whatever reason)? After my name the first thing anyone ever seems to want to know about me is my job, but I rarely meet people who aren’t working full time. Part time has become a bit of a novelty.

I would guess from rough memory, 90% of the mums in my DDS class were working

To compete I’ve had 5 kids go through primary school now, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone answer they’re a ‘mum’ when asked what they do. It only comes up on the awkward occasions they are mistaken for being a nan or childminder.

Tittyfilarious81 · 05/10/2021 13:17

@In4mation

Is this a class thing maybe?

Is what a class thing being a sahm or being called 1 ?

BlackLambAndGreyFalcon · 05/10/2021 13:17

Whilst I get that SAHM/SAHP can be a bit clunky and it can imply that you just stay inside the house all the time, it is 100% better as a phrase than "full time mum/parent".

Original poster

sangak · 05/10/2021 13:17

Nobody ever asked me if I was working. Maybe it was obvious I wasn’t as I generally had at least one child with me But genuinely, nobody really ever asked this - ever really. Definitely nobody ever called me a SAHM in real life.

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 05/10/2021 13:18

@sangak

And no, I’m not saying women with jobs aren’t mums. What an odd thing to say. I’m just being honest, that in 15 years and as someone who mostly knows women / neighbours / friends who don’t work or who didn’t work for various stints, the term “stay at home” does not get used in conversation.

It might get used on the TV yes, or on forms perhaps. But it’s not a term I would think of as default, or use in conversation. Nor does anyone else round here.

Sounds like you're mixing in circles where most women have relatively low earning potential and staying at home therefore becomes the default option for those who have kids?

The norm in my circles is for women to carry on working, so those who have made an active choice to stay at home with the kids for whatever reason probably identify themselves as SAHPs (or whatever they choose to call themselves) instead of simply as mums because being a mum doesn't really describe the choice that they have made.

Fizbosshoes · 05/10/2021 13:19

I'm pretty sure when I was a kid the term Stay at home mum was a thing.

I read SAHM and think stay at home mum, same as WFH has become a more common phrase in the last few years and especially in the last year and a half. I'd always think "work from home" rather than try and pronounce WFH.

In4mation · 05/10/2021 13:21

Alexa describes it better than me - class thing.

Original poster

sangak · 05/10/2021 13:21

Never in my life has anyone ever said, “Oh, how are you finding being a SAHM?” Or “How long have you been a SAHM?” Nobody has ever called me a SAHM, in 15 years. Nor have I ever referred to myself or any friends as such - except for on MN.

OP posts:

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 05/10/2021 13:22

@sangak

Nobody ever asked me if I was working. Maybe it was obvious I wasn’t as I generally had at least one child with me

But genuinely, nobody really ever asked this - ever really. Definitely nobody ever called me a SAHM in real life.

Eh? Having a child does not make it 'obvious' that you don't work. Most mums work.

olivehater · 05/10/2021 13:23

Isn’t it just the more current term for housewife, homemaker?

FuckingFlumps · 05/10/2021 13:24

@sangak

Never in my life has anyone ever said, “Oh, how are you finding being a SAHM?” Or “How long have you been a SAHM?” Nobody has ever called me a SAHM, in 15 years. Nor have I ever referred to myself or any friends as such - except for on MN.

You must see from this thread that your experience is very very unusual. Its a perfectly normal title to describe that you are either currently or have previously stayed home to raise children. Just as stay at home dad is a common description and stay at home parent. It's your limited experience that is odd here.

Squirrelblanket · 05/10/2021 13:24

I don't even have kids and have heard the term 'stay at home mum' used regularly.

'sarm' 🤣

Anoisagusaris · 05/10/2021 13:24

Why couldn’t you be employed/self-employed just because you have a child with you?? People work all sorts of hours and patterns. They don’t never venture out without their kids. You have a very strange viewpoint.

Anycrispsleft · 05/10/2021 13:28

Well you could always say "full time mum" if you want 20 angry working mums to come and start bun flinging on your thread

Original poster

sangak · 05/10/2021 13:30

What I mean is, people don’t generally ask you why you aren’t at work when you’re traipsing down the street with a handful of kids. Or obviously on a school run or doing something child- related. It tends not to come up. And then, at parties or socially, people just know my husband and me so that’s that. Nobody ever says ‘SAHM’ in conversation.

OP posts:

Tittyfilarious81 · 05/10/2021 13:33

Honestly I think it's just an easy way of saying you are home and don't work . I'm a sahm never been called that where I live or said I'm a sahm . On the incredibly rare occasion someone asks do you work I say no I stay home and that's it .

FuckingFlumps · 05/10/2021 13:34

@sangak

What I mean is, people don’t generally ask you why you aren’t at work when you’re traipsing down the street with a handful of kids. Or obviously on a school run or doing something child- related. It tends not to come up. And then, at parties or socially, people just know my husband and me so that’s that. Nobody ever says ‘SAHM’ in conversation.

This just gets odder. What do you talk about if not your jobs surely that small talk 10q along with the news, TV shows and weather?

Do you really go to parties, ask people about their week and they don't tell you they have been to work?

Do you stand at the school gate and not moan about than goodness it's nearly the weekend it's been manic at work this week?

Did your children never do the all about me and my family topics at school where Sarah's mum came in to talk about being a vet or Rayaans mum came to talk baout how she worked in a shop?

I'm soooooo confused?

QforCucumber · 05/10/2021 13:36

I first met the parents at DS school when I also had another child with me, pretty much the conversation with all of them was
'how old is the baby?'
'how are you finding mat leave during covid?'
'will you be going back to work?'
'what do you do?'

I actually think that asking a friend 'how are you finding being at home?' a completely normal one, definitely something I'd ask if I knew any SAHP

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 05/10/2021 13:37

sangak they do though! Endless conversations about school/ preschool working on the assumption all children have a SAHM, about whether you're going to go back to work or be a SAHM, about where to meet fellow SAHM when moving to a new area, about toddlers groups used mainly by SAHM as opposed to childminders and nannies...

ftw163532 · 05/10/2021 13:44

@sangak

What I mean is, people don’t generally ask you why you aren’t at work when you’re traipsing down the street with a handful of kids. Or obviously on a school run or doing something child- related. It tends not to come up. And then, at parties or socially, people just know my husband and me so that’s that. Nobody ever says ‘SAHM’ in conversation.

Well, no, but equally most people aren't in the habit of stopping random strangers walking down the street to ask them their occupation.