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AIBU?

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Original poster

Over reaction or not ? Nasty husband

107 replies

Brighton5555 · 05/10/2021 07:12

Hi

Feeling down this morning . My husband for the last couple of months has been setting up a brand new business and I’ve been there doing everything and anything to help including taking care of social media advertising, doing market research, helping him with 50% of the additional deposit he needed and so on….

Any woman will understand the bore of also hearing about work constant any time I’m around him but I’ve pushed through due to
Being always told how this is a family business and for us all.

Last night he decides he’s opening today not giving much notice for things and he came home telling me how he employed a female delivery driver … we had agreed that we would discuss about who he employed and I do have jealousy issues not that that’s okay it’s shit and I’m trying to work on myself

However when I pointed that out he started shouting and said ‘ I can do what I want it’s got nothing to do with you , you don’t have a say it’s buisness’

Clearly not a family one . I was really hurt because I’ve supported him every step of the way and it will impact on family life going forward due to location and hours. He’s made me feel like this is all for him

Am I being a child ?

I stormed off calling him the c word he called me it back and I slept on the sofa

OP posts:
WobblyInAllTheRightPlaces · 05/10/2021 07:14

Hope your financial input is legally recognised!

Suzi888 · 05/10/2021 07:15

Practically, is your name on any of this paperwork? He could leave you high and dry!

Sirzy · 05/10/2021 07:16

So your upset because a woman has been employed?

And you stormed off and called him names as a result?

Original poster
Brighton5555 · 05/10/2021 07:16

No my name is not on any paperwork. He is going into business with another friend 50/50. He couldn’t raise the initial half of his deposit so I helped him.

The other friend hasn’t pulled his weight so it’s been on him and and on me . It’s supposed to
Be the grand opening today and I don’t want to go. I feel like a mug .

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/10/2021 07:17

Hope your oh ring fenced your financial input

Littleduck83 · 05/10/2021 07:18

You both need to agree on how to run the business. If you get no say then you need to pull your investment out and stop helping him.

Theunamedcat · 05/10/2021 07:18

Do you have children? This does not sound like a healthy relationship

Does he always shout at you

Do you work yourself

ShuddaBeenMe · 05/10/2021 07:18

That's an extreme reaction to him hiring a female. Has he got previous?

Original poster
Brighton5555 · 05/10/2021 07:19

I’ll be honest I’m not thrilled he has went ahead and hired this woman without even saying so until after but when I pointed that out and what we agreed it’s what he then said that’s hurt my feelings .

Being told it’s got nothing to do with me so basically I’ve been used and have no say 😔

OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 05/10/2021 07:19

Perhaps the pressure just got to both of you.
You can't ban him from employing female staff. When you mean discussed with you, would you be wanting to check to see how attractive she is? Being a female employee of a boss with a jealous wife is pretty crap.
Make sure you interest is legally recognised.

missbecks90 · 05/10/2021 07:26

I really think you should get something down legally that you put 50% of the deposit in..

The being irritated at the female employee, I can understand but also you can't ban him from who he employs but if it's as he said "a family business" it would have been more respectful to run business decisions by you...but I hate to say it OP given his response I don't think he's to bothered about being respectful..or grateful to you for your financial input. 🤷🏼‍♀️❤️

WaltzingBetty · 05/10/2021 07:33

You need financial/legal advice

EdgeOfTheSky · 05/10/2021 07:33

I’ve been there doing everything and anything to help including taking care of social media advertising, doing market research, helping him with 50% of the additional deposit he needed

It sounds as if you have BOTH been setting up a new business! Why is it his?

OTOH it is completely unreasonable to want to prevent the employment of a woman as a delivery driver because you are jealous! So much for equal opportunity policies!

I think you need to wait til you both feel a bit calmer and have a business conversation about how the business is run, what your input and stake is etc etc. Having put money in are you a Director?

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 05/10/2021 07:34

Stop being a knob and do something about your jealousy issues..... Imagine that post in reverse. 😳

2Two · 05/10/2021 07:38

You really can't insist that he only employ male staff. It's illegal, and it's unfair to applicants if they aren't employed on the basis on who is best for the job.

Flippyflops2021 · 05/10/2021 07:39

Honestly? Just learn from this and don’t help from now on. The female employee bit is ridiculous.

The money you put in? Well business’ are risky things, hopefully you will get it back.
Personally I wouldn’t want my name on anything legal, if it goes tits up then you could be liable too. Tax, VAT, rent, other bills etc. I’d want to be completely separate from it.

MyCatDribbles · 05/10/2021 07:42

But this female driver is an employee? Must he run all potential recruits by you first?

namechange30455 · 05/10/2021 07:43

Why do you have jealousy issues? Does he have form?

You can't tell him who to employ.

Bombaloorina · 05/10/2021 07:46

and he came home telling me how he employed a female delivery driver … we had agreed that we would discuss about who he employed and I do have jealousy issues

I’d like to be sympathetic, but seriously, grow up.

You’re clearly in no fit state to be in a relationship, let alone setting up business with someone within a relationship.

freelions · 05/10/2021 07:48

Would you have cared if he employed a male driver without consulting or involving you?
If the answer is no then you need to take some responsibility for the fall out

Do you want to be involved in the day to day running of the business or not? You need to decide and if its a yes then speak to your DH about ensuring your 'share' in the business is legally recognised

Billybagpuss · 05/10/2021 07:52

Is it an amount of money you can afford to write off?

The employing a female member of staff yabu, he legally couldn’t advertise for ‘male driver’ as it’s discrimination. If he’s just hired someone he fancies then you have a point.

The bigger issue here is how much work and money you’ve put in and received neither recognition or appreciation.

DoraMaude · 05/10/2021 07:52

You're upset because he employed a female? This is not normal behaviour.

MydogWillow · 05/10/2021 07:53

It sounds like your DH is impulsive and it was unfair of him to suddenly change the opening day. That threw you into stress mode (rightly so) and you didn't have time to process the driver information rationally.

You were both stressed. However this wouldn't have happened had he not changed plans at the 11th hour. It was a perfect storm.

He needs to learn how to communicate, delegate and be respectful very, very quickly otherwise this business will fail. His impulsiveness needs addressing too.

Continue to work on yourself OP. As you've recognised your problem you're half way there.

The set-up is financially precarious for you. It sounds like everything has been rushed. I'm not surprised you're feeling shit.

You all need to sit down and work out what your defined roles are because this won't work as it is. Make sure your investment is legally recognised.

You can't do anything else but put last night behind you and enjoy the opening, but all the other stuff needs sorting urgently if this is to work.

Noogar · 05/10/2021 07:53

You need to protect your money if you can and it's not too late.

If you would have minded if he'd hired a male driver without asking you too then YANBU and need to discuss day to day running. If its because she is female then YABU.

Naunet · 05/10/2021 07:54

It seems like you’ve even completely taken advantage of. Can you get the money you put in, back? I certainly wouldn’t lift another finger to ever help him with it again.

As for the female employee, I think that’s the one part you are being unreasonable about, but then so is he if he agreed you could hire someone together, and has broken that promise.