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Original poster

Over reaction or not ? Nasty husband

107 replies

Brighton5555 · 05/10/2021 07:12

Hi

Feeling down this morning . My husband for the last couple of months has been setting up a brand new business and I’ve been there doing everything and anything to help including taking care of social media advertising, doing market research, helping him with 50% of the additional deposit he needed and so on….

Any woman will understand the bore of also hearing about work constant any time I’m around him but I’ve pushed through due to
Being always told how this is a family business and for us all.

Last night he decides he’s opening today not giving much notice for things and he came home telling me how he employed a female delivery driver … we had agreed that we would discuss about who he employed and I do have jealousy issues not that that’s okay it’s shit and I’m trying to work on myself

However when I pointed that out he started shouting and said ‘ I can do what I want it’s got nothing to do with you , you don’t have a say it’s buisness’

Clearly not a family one . I was really hurt because I’ve supported him every step of the way and it will impact on family life going forward due to location and hours. He’s made me feel like this is all for him

Am I being a child ?

I stormed off calling him the c word he called me it back and I slept on the sofa

OP posts:
LemonTT · 05/10/2021 09:49

Nothing in the posts suggests the OP has any formal involvement in the business. That she has helped out with time and money doesn’t mean she is part of the business. A change that would need the other partners agreement.

If I was the other partner I would not want her involved if she was going to be discriminatory and volatile. The partner really doesn’t need a squabbling couple calling each other names involved in a start up. He is stuck with the husband but not the wife.

By the sounds of it, the OP and her husband would be better off accepting that she has helped him out rather than the business. They should sort that out within their marriage, repayment of the money and favours. The business needs to be separate. It’s clearly a partnership not a family business.

Lovelydovey · 05/10/2021 09:51

There are two issues here which have got tangled.

  • your lack of recognition or security given your involvement and investment in the business. This needs sorting out and formalising, or you need to step down.
  • your involvement in hiring decisions. This needs sorting as part of the above. But any involvement you have needs to follow the law, and cannot be based on jealousy. You need to get over that.
timeisnotaline · 05/10/2021 09:57

Sigh. *NO more time, etc

Lovemusic33 · 05/10/2021 09:59

There are 2 issues here, one of them is you being unreasonable (employing a female driver) and the other is the fact you have put money into a business that is not yours. I would be invoicing your dh for the houses you out in and asking for repayment of what you have paid out towards the deposit, unless he agrees that you are in-fact a business partner.

EdgeOfTheSky · 05/10/2021 10:00

He also needs to sort out the work balance and relationship with his business partner who isn’t pulling his weight!

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 05/10/2021 10:05

So he can't hire female employees without your say so?

Good God, grow up. I can see you being on the wrong side of an employment tribunal in a couple of years if this is your typical behaviour towards employees.

Don't be such a fucking child. This is the sort of thing that goes on between boyfriend and girlfriend when you're 13.

ShowMeHow · 05/10/2021 10:09

Sounds like it is just as much your business as his

I hate that the woman often gets left with the ‘accounts’ and social media - these could not be more pivotal to many businesses today ie cash flow and marketing and it’s seen as merely a bit of help.

You need to be protected and represented
In your business.

However you don’t get to be sexist as a business owner/employer!!!!!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/10/2021 10:19

Totally gobsmacked by many of the replies on here. 100% if the roles were reversed it would be a unanimous leave the bastard he has jealousy issues and calls you a cunt.
In this case it is you that have the issues and called him a cunt.

LemonTT · 05/10/2021 10:24

@ShowMeHow

Sounds like it is just as much your business as his

I hate that the woman often gets left with the ‘accounts’ and social media - these could not be more pivotal to many businesses today ie cash flow and marketing and it’s seen as merely a bit of help.

You need to be protected and represented
In your business.

However you don’t get to be sexist as a business owner/employer!!!!!

It might sound like it is her business but legally it’s not. All she did was give her husband money and time. There’s no contract to enforce.

The business is not the place to play out their marital dramas. For the sake of them, the investment, the partner and employees.

vastgrandupgrade · 05/10/2021 10:26

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Totally gobsmacked by many of the replies on here. 100% if the roles were reversed it would be a unanimous leave the bastard he has jealousy issues and calls you a cunt. In this case it is you that have the issues and called him a cunt.
Totally agree. Ridiculously MN double standards again.
FortunesFavour · 05/10/2021 10:27

You have to be either in or out OP. If you are contributing to the business, and want to have a say in decisions, that needs to be officially recognised in the company structure (eg you have shares if a private ltd company). Otherwise he is just taking the mickey and you don’t have any legal recourse I’m afraid. He’s a cheeky devil IMO, don’t let him take advantage like this.

FortunesFavour · 05/10/2021 10:30

…or invoice him for the work you have done as a pp suggested and for every minute of any future work you do for his business too.

LittleMysSister · 05/10/2021 10:31

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Totally gobsmacked by many of the replies on here. 100% if the roles were reversed it would be a unanimous leave the bastard he has jealousy issues and calls you a cunt. In this case it is you that have the issues and called him a cunt.
Agree.

Just unbelievable the double standards on here sometimes.

It is not OK that this whole issue has stemmed from OP not being happy her DP has hired a woman.

Tbh the other way round people would likely be suggesting that he had only assisted with the business in order to keep tabs and control. Not saying that's why OP has helped until now, but I really don't think this is her man's fault.

SoupDragon · 05/10/2021 10:33

How he spoke to you speaks volumes of what he really thinks.

That works both ways.

Imagine that post in reverse

Quite. There would talk of "LTB" and "family money" along with "marital asset"

notsorighteousthesedays · 05/10/2021 10:38

When OP says 'hired' I assume he has offered work to someone he knows / has met - I don't imagine for a minute he has gone through any kind of recruitment process so maybe all the HR gurus can back off a bit....? Perhaps she would have even come back with more information if she hadn't been jumped on quite so hard!

TheFoundations · 05/10/2021 10:44

On a practical level, get your money legally protected unless you can afford to give it away to him.

On an emotional level, if you look at your OP, you're pissed off with him for going on and on about the business, and you are also pissed off that it's not 'a family business'. You either want him to fill you in on the details, or you don't.

You sound upset that he's dismissing your feelings, but you also don't want to be told the details. Which way do you want it?

With regard to 'Any woman will understand the bore of also hearing about work'; that's not true, and reveals a sexist viewpoint. People who choose this kind of relationship, and choose not to speak up when a conversation is boring them, understand the bore of this. You don't have to be one of those people. If you feel he's droning on, tell him you'd rather talk about something else. He's not in charge of what the two of you spend your time talking about.

With regard to the 'woman driver', are you jealous because of your own issues, or because he has form for being unfaithful? Don't confuse the two. There's lots of threads on here saying 'My bloke leers at other women and tells me he wants to have sex with them, and I have such bad jealousy issues': Is the issue your response to his behaviour, which is disrespectful to your vows, or is the issue coming purely from your own insecurities, with him completely innocent?

Seesawmummadaw · 05/10/2021 10:46

You called him a cunt and had a tantrum because he hired a woman.

I would love to hear his story.

TintinIsBack · 05/10/2021 10:46

Two different issues

  • the jealousy that everyone seems to be hung up on.
  • the finacial situation with the OP asked to work for no salary and no return (as she is not employed, nor on a the paperqwork). That, for me, woud be a very big red flag. Either of financial abuse OR being taken for granted in all possible ways.

@Brighton5555 I think you need legal advice on the money you've invested in the busiess ASAP.
I would also step back until your role has been very clearly defined. And it can NOT be 'free help as and when I need it because it's a famiy business' whilst I can also dimiss you at the drop of the hat 'because it's my business and I get to decide'

TintinIsBack · 05/10/2021 10:48

@Seesawmummadaw

You called him a cunt and had a tantrum because he hired a woman.

I would love to hear his story.

He ALSO took 50% of the initial investment from the OP wo giving her any financial protection or any say in the way that money is handled/business is run.

I'd love to hear what's going on the background and how he normally treat his dw/associates.... And if he xpects all that free work/monetary support with nothing in return from anyone else bar the OP....

C152 · 05/10/2021 10:49

Ok, if he wants the business all to himself, you need to put a formal agreement in place as to when the business will pay back the loan you made. Personally, I'd be asking for it in monthly installments, so he and his partner can't keep saying they'll pay you the full amount once they make some mythical level of profit.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/10/2021 10:54

I'd be asking for the money I lent him back again pronto, if you've no interest/say in the business.

margesimpson40 · 05/10/2021 10:54

I dont think the OP, has jealousy issues. Her DH told hr it was a family business and then when asked a question, threw a shit fit. No wonder OP is pissed off.

margesimpson40 · 05/10/2021 10:57

Im kind of pissed on the OPs behalf tbh. Too many women shaming other women on here. Making Judge Rinder look good tbh. No advice on the actual problem, just a lot of jumping on bandwagons.

OP, talk to him, if he wont listen, put it in a letter or an email. But go to the opening, its your day as well.

CustardySergeant · 05/10/2021 10:58

@margesimpson40

I dont think the OP, has jealousy issues. Her DH told hr it was a family business and then when asked a question, threw a shit fit. No wonder OP is pissed off.
The OP herself said " I do have jealousy issues not that that’s okay it’s shit and I’m trying to work on myself" but you know better?
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/10/2021 10:59

No my name is not on any paperwork. He is going into business with another friend 50/50. He couldn’t raise the initial half of his deposit so I helped him.

Yes you were a mug. But you are so busy feeling sexually jealous that you are not taking proper care of yourself. You have given your husband's business your time and your money. He may be doing it all for you and the family, but in reality he can walk away with that money if he chooses and with all the profits from the work you have put in and you are completely unprotected. So I can see why you feel so jealous - that female driver represents the threat that your DH really could walk away. But you feel jealous about the wrong thing.

You are being sexually jealous because that is easier for you than understanding that your husband may have taking advantage of you financially under cover of "doing it for the family". So stop calling him names and get your position sorted out. Get some proper protection for your role in the company, or get a different job and get paid properly. Then you will feel like less of a mug, you'll feel a lot more secure and lot less jealous.