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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Over reaction or not ? Nasty husband

107 replies

Brighton5555 · 05/10/2021 07:12

Feeling down this morning . My husband for the last couple of months has been setting up a brand new business and I’ve been there doing everything and anything to help including taking care of social media advertising, doing market research, helping him with 50% of the additional deposit he needed and so on….

Any woman will understand the bore of also hearing about work constant any time I’m around him but I’ve pushed through due to
Being always told how this is a family business and for us all.

Last night he decides he’s opening today not giving much notice for things and he came home telling me how he employed a female delivery driver … we had agreed that we would discuss about who he employed and I do have jealousy issues not that that’s okay it’s shit and I’m trying to work on myself

However when I pointed that out he started shouting and said ‘ I can do what I want it’s got nothing to do with you , you don’t have a say it’s buisness’

Clearly not a family one . I was really hurt because I’ve supported him every step of the way and it will impact on family life going forward due to location and hours. He’s made me feel like this is all for him

Am I being a child ?

I stormed off calling him the c word he called me it back and I slept on the sofa

OP posts:

CanICelebrate · 05/10/2021 07:57

It’s pretty shitty that you’ve financially contributed and it’s not in writing. I’d be angry about that but he’s not been nasty as you suggested.

The jealousy about the female employee just makes you sound like hard work and controlling.

MydogWillow · 05/10/2021 08:02

BTW, calling each other a c* is possibly a bigger problem than the business alone.

Noogar · 05/10/2021 08:03

@MydogWillow

BTW, calling each other a c* is possibly a bigger problem than the business alone.

This is true

girlmom21 · 05/10/2021 08:05

Yeah that's a massive overreaction because he employed a woman.

You need to work on your jealousy and aggression.

Aprilx · 05/10/2021 08:09

You haven’t said you object to the hiring of a driver, only that you wanted a say in “who” is employed, so yes you were unreasonable to object to him employing a female and you need to take your share of responsibility in this argument.

I feel less worried than some posters about the company not being in your name. You are married, the company is an asset, so in case of a split it is shared like any other asset. I would be worried about the situation with the business partner if they are not fulfilling their side of the deal, whatever that may be (maybe they were an investor not a working partner).

Any woman will understand the bore of also hearing about work.

🙄 No not “any woman”, some women are interested in work and business, just like some men are not.

smallybells · 05/10/2021 08:09

"Overreaction or not? Nasty Husband"

To be honest - you sound nastier than your husband!

YABU to tell him off for employing a female (the best person should be employed for the job regardless of what gender you would prefer) then you called him a c word and stormed off?

Either ask for your 50% deposit back if he says you have no input into the business or walk away and get some space because this does not seem healthy.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 05/10/2021 08:12

No my name is not on any paperwork. He is going into business with another friend 50/50. He couldn’t raise the initial half of his deposit so I helped him.
Christ it just keeps getting worse. So not only have you played a role in setting the business up but you also funded a part of his half, with no formal acknowledgment?

He’s taking you for a mug OP. First step is to get your stake back if you think there’s no chance of getting him to alter the paperwork (which it sounds like there isn’t).

Seriallover · 05/10/2021 08:14

You need to work on your jealously &anger issues.

Talk to your husband about how much time, effort and money you've put into the "family" business and why it isn't just his.

Naunet · 05/10/2021 08:16

@smallybells

"Overreaction or not? Nasty Husband"

To be honest - you sound nastier than your husband!

YABU to tell him off for employing a female (the best person should be employed for the job regardless of what gender you would prefer) then you called him a c word and stormed off?

Either ask for your 50% deposit back if he says you have no input into the business or walk away and get some space because this does not seem healthy.

Where as him exploiting her work is totally reasonable?

Yes she was wrong re the employee, but that does not excuse him from dressing this up as a family business, taking advantage of her free labour when his business partner did fuck all, and then moving the goal posts and telling her it’s none of her business.

Member984815 · 05/10/2021 08:17

Get your investment back.

Lotusmonster · 05/10/2021 08:18

I mean I think he could have been 100% more validating of all your effort, hard work and input. However, really you cannot loose it because he hires another woman….insecurity on that level is unattractive OP. His reaction tho sounds crappy and rude. Guilt on both sides here I’d say.

Lotusmonster · 05/10/2021 08:21

Getting a small business off the ground is a major life stress….like moving home. You both sound wrecked tbh. I wonder if things were said in the heat of the moment that have more to do with the trickle of stress than you’re both under right now than the people and values you really have including for each other. You could both try and be adults and talk this out???

BoomChicka · 05/10/2021 08:22

Imagine giving start up money to a bloke you don't trust enough to employ women are you mad?

LannieDuck · 05/10/2021 08:22

@Brighton5555

No my name is not on any paperwork. He is going into business with another friend 50/50. He couldn’t raise the initial half of his deposit so I helped him.

The other friend hasn’t pulled his weight so it’s been on him and and on me . It’s supposed to
Be the grand opening today and I don’t want to go. I feel like a mug .

You need to become much more savvy. This is a business, and investing money in his company makes it a professional relationship between the two of you.

If he needs your help and your time, he needs to recognise that in some way. Either by paying you, or by giving you the stake in the company that you should have had with that deposit. Certainly not by calling you names.

However, you need to understand that you're not a director (because you didn't insist on it when you had the leverage), and this isn't your business. It's his. You don't have the authority here to insist on being part of decisions.

EdgeOfTheSky · 05/10/2021 08:22

You especially can’t expect any veto over employment decisions made with the other business partner!

OP, you need to sort out communication between you. On the one hand talk of setting up the business bores you, and you seem bored and martyred by this stuff that men do and women are bored by, on the other hand you clearly have skills and hard work and cash with which to give meaningful input.

Is he grateful for your contribution? Does he acknowledge your skills?

But either way if you are not a member of the operational / management team expecting him to tell his business partner that he will have to check with his wife before he can hire a good candidate as a driver because she is a woman is not on.

But that doesn’t mean he should take you for granted and not credit your work.

Boundaries, control, respect, communication all could do with attention - on both sides.

LookItsMeAgain · 05/10/2021 08:22

You might want to speak calmly to your DH and say that he may be under some misguided impression that he's gone into business with this other person 50/50 but that is not how you see it as without your money, he wouldn't be going into business at all. The other party might have stumped up 50% of the setting up fees etc. but your DH didn't. Work out how much he put in and you put in and then make sure that the documents reflect that!

Lotusmonster · 05/10/2021 08:24

@Member984815

Get your investment back.

That could be a massive overreaction and damage everyone after months of hard work. Surely they just need to talk this out. I know in our house most rows happen at night when everyone’s shattered possibly haven’t eaten and stuff like that. Chucking away a potential livelihood could only cause further stress.

Lotusmonster · 05/10/2021 08:26

You heard the word “female” and challenged him. That is ridiculous OP. With the shortage of drivers right now, he might have spent ages trying to secure a hire and then you want the decision scrutinised….come on.

Whydidimarryhim · 05/10/2021 08:41

Let’s not give criticism to the op - he sounds a selfish bastard.
Has he thanked you for your input financial and practical.
I would get some paperwork drawn up re finances or I’m not sure if a paper trail will be enough.
Yes I’d be very hurt in your situation.
Hope things get more settled in the next few days and you can have a conversation about things.

Lalliella · 05/10/2021 08:42

Any woman will understand the bore of also hearing about work constant any time I’m around him

Do you want to be involved in the business or not? You’re giving out mixed messages. If you’re bored of hearing about it you can’t really blame him for not running every decision by you. Also, this line is really sexist, plenty of women are interested in the running of a business.

Are you a sleeping partner or not? This needs to be sorted out with proper paperwork.

And finally, imagine if there was a post on here about a husband calling his wife a cunt for hiring a man. He’d be absolutely crucified. That part was totally U OP.

Slagertha · 05/10/2021 08:55

This sounds crazy, would you be acting like that if he got a new job where there were female staff? Has he never had female colleagues before? I think if I had a business and my partner got annoyed that I'd hired a male I'd also get pissed off!

Shoxfordian · 05/10/2021 08:58

Yabu here
Why shouldn’t he hire a woman? Do you think that means he’s going to sleep with her?

pinkyredrose · 05/10/2021 08:58

Why did he need your financial contribution? Please tell me it's legally protected.

RealBecca · 05/10/2021 08:59

Legally you have no say unless you name is on the paperwork. You're being taken for a fool and this is bow it will be of you ever have kids, leave him.

And work on your jealousy issue because even if you were 50% involved it's not ok to be that jealpus, nor are you ready for a relationship because you are exerting a controlling behaviour by being jealous and namecalling. Adults have discussions not rows where theu call eachother cunts. The fight would be fucking unacceptable to to play out infront of a child.

Clarice99 · 05/10/2021 09:05

YABU.

I presume that you weren't 'held to ransom' to do all of that work and chip in financially?

Storming off. Offensive name calling. Throwing your toys of out the pram because your husband employed a woman

If your opening post was from a man, he'd have been ripped to shreds.

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