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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over reaction or not ? Nasty husband

107 replies

Brighton5555 · 05/10/2021 07:12

Hi

Feeling down this morning . My husband for the last couple of months has been setting up a brand new business and I’ve been there doing everything and anything to help including taking care of social media advertising, doing market research, helping him with 50% of the additional deposit he needed and so on….

Any woman will understand the bore of also hearing about work constant any time I’m around him but I’ve pushed through due to
Being always told how this is a family business and for us all.

Last night he decides he’s opening today not giving much notice for things and he came home telling me how he employed a female delivery driver … we had agreed that we would discuss about who he employed and I do have jealousy issues not that that’s okay it’s shit and I’m trying to work on myself

However when I pointed that out he started shouting and said ‘ I can do what I want it’s got nothing to do with you , you don’t have a say it’s buisness’

Clearly not a family one . I was really hurt because I’ve supported him every step of the way and it will impact on family life going forward due to location and hours. He’s made me feel like this is all for him

Am I being a child ?

I stormed off calling him the c word he called me it back and I slept on the sofa

OP posts:
NoYOUbekind · 05/10/2021 09:06

I don't even know where to start with this.

You've funded a business venture your husband can't afford - dodgy on every level, both from getting your investment back and the likely success of the business. Is there any cash flow at all?

You've then worked for free in someone else's business, unacknowleged.

Your DH is impulsive and has moved the launch date without considering all the factors that make a successful launch.

You're upset because your DH didn't act illegally by not hiring a woman on the basis of her sex.

I don't think either of you should be within 10 foot of a business and hope you're legally protected from the consequences of your bad decision making. And people who call each other cunts shouldn't be together either.

RubyFakeLips · 05/10/2021 09:07

Sounds like this business being with a friend who doesn’t contribute is going to be an ongoing issue. Will you be expected to pick up the slack in future? YANBU to not want to do this in the future.

Also I don’t think it can be a family business as such if it’s under those circumstances. Him having a business may benefit the family but it isn’t a family business.

You say you had agreed who he would hire but where is the business partner in this? Did he agree you would be involved in hiring? I get the impression you wouldn’t have kicked off if he had hired a man so on that basis YABU.

Your role either needs to be clearly defined or you accept you’re just helping out and don’t get an official say. This should help you choose what you’re willing to do going forward.

AntiSocialDistancer · 05/10/2021 09:07
  1. I would chalk up the argument to him being very stressed out pre-launch. And your input as also being stressed out by being walked over.
You can't talk to him about the issue of his hires without bringing along all your baggage of previous arguments of jealousy. So I can understand why in the heat of the moment it flared up so much.
  1. An entirely separate issue - sort out the legal and financial aspect of the business ffs. It sounds like you should have some stake.
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/10/2021 09:07

If you have put up 50% of the deposit you're an idiot to not be on any paperwork. Why would you not ask for this? Or at least a receipt?

Your jealousy issues are something else and something YOU need to address. Who cares if he hires a female driver? Well, clearly you do.

But him saying to you that it is none of your business, when you have clearly helped him set up the business is rude.

Take your money back and leave him to get on with it. Or ask to be a partner.

Jasmine11 · 05/10/2021 09:08

I think you are both in the wrong here , him maybe slightly more - but you shouldn't let your jealousy issues interfere in the business. It's illegal to discriminate by sex, so you can't dictate that only males are hired.

traintraveller · 05/10/2021 09:13

It's not just him that's nasty, you called him a cunt, stormed off and are sulking sleeping on the couch.

Wolfiefan · 05/10/2021 09:16

You chose to find the deposit.
Now ask him how and when he is going to pay you back.

It’s good he wants to open ASAP. That way he can pay you back.

Your jealousy issues are YOU issues. Of course you can’t vet employees to check they aren’t people you would be jealous of. That’s nuts.

smallybells · 05/10/2021 09:18

@Naunet

Thing is, it is none of her business if her name is on nothing and she isn't a business partner. If someone told me who I could and couldn't hire based on gender I'd also be telling them it's none of their business!

Regardless of changing the goalposts etc the OP seems way more out of line (starting arguments over hiring a female, calling someone a c word and storming off etc?). If this was the other way around and the OPs husband had behaved this way we'd all be telling her to LTB.

Branleuse · 05/10/2021 09:18

Theres two seperate issues going on here and I think you need to seperate them in your mind. The feeling jealous of his new employee is probably unreasonable unless theres a big backstory here, but in your disagreement about it, its highlighted your vulnerable position with regards to how much money and time you are investing in something that apparently has nothing to do with you, so its probably a good idea for you to get your contribution recognised either financially as a wage, or with you being part owner

WellLarDeDar · 05/10/2021 09:21

you dont sound very well matched to be honest.

Chloemol · 05/10/2021 09:21

Personally I would just let him get on with it then

Accept the money is lost, start to think about what you want and if he can provide that

If he can’t leave

twilightermummy · 05/10/2021 09:24

His behaviour is unreasonable in the fact that he told you weren’t a part of the business. This is untrue and if you ever divorced I’d imagine you’d benefit from it in some way (assuming it makes money).

However, you are being massively unreasonable about who he’s employed. Yeah he should have discussed it but you’re entering discrimination territory. It really is a shame in this day and age. You’ll need to separate business and emotions if you want to get ahead.

KingdomScrolls · 05/10/2021 09:24

You're not involved in the business he is with his partner, as his wife you've been helping him out, that should be recognised and if you don't see money as family money you should have had the loan documented, but none of that means you get a say on who they hire, especially when it's down to your jealousy issues! You also called him a cunt. You're not covering yourself with glory here.

Lots of the responses here surprise me, if a husband had acted the way OP had it would be, 'it's family money not a loan', 'how dare he control who you hire', 'he called you a cunt? LTB'

billy1966 · 05/10/2021 09:27

OP,

A woman driver is the least of your worries.

Why would you be so foolish as to hand 50% of the money, do so much work and not be an owner?

Unbelievable.

I mean Unbelievable.

How he spoke to you speaks volumes of what he really thinks.

You get him to sign a loan agreement on that money if you have ANY sense.

MadamMedea · 05/10/2021 09:31

Yabu for objecting to a delivery driver just because she’s female.

He is unreasonable for saying you get no say in the business despite your significant input. Are there any legal protections for your financial support?

Atalune · 05/10/2021 09:31

You have been VERY foolish to enter into this arrangement.

You need financial protection straightaway. At the least you should have a loan agreement with your partner. Or have some stake in the company.

Also. You’re jealously issues- has he cheated on the past??

Tal45 · 05/10/2021 09:34

Hmm, it's tricky. If you've got trust issues and he's aware of that then it's obviously really not going to help you if you both agree something and he then breaks the agreement. It's also very unfair for him to be happy to have your money to start up the business and then tell you that it's nothing to do with you.

On the other hand it could be pretty tricky if they needed a driver, only one person applies and he has to tell his partner that he couldn't hire them because his wife wouldn't want him to hire a woman. How did you imagine the process going?

This really doesn't sound like a relationship that is going to make you happy.

LittleMysSister · 05/10/2021 09:36

Sorry OP, I think you're out of order for reacting that way to him hiring a woman. If it's his business which you've just been helping him set up I wouldn't expect him to need to discuss hiring decisions with you.

However, your expectations of your involvement and his clearly differ, so I would stop helping him out with it at all. He can't have it both ways.

pollypocketlover · 05/10/2021 09:39

OP do you actually have jealousy issues, or is it a reaction to past disrespect from your husband?

YANBU, you have put tons of work into this business and he has now said that you don't get a say in anything.

BeardyButton · 05/10/2021 09:39

Delivery driver is a red herring. The other stuff is faaaaar more important. Get something down on paper about what you contributed to business. Be very careful about contributing more (time money) to smt that you may never see the benefits of. You will be bitter if you break up and he walks away with the fruits of your labour.

Holdingontonothing · 05/10/2021 09:39

"I applied for a driving job I was qualified to do, but got turned down because I am a woman - AIBU and what recourse do I have?"

That could very reasonably be a post here from the driver had you vetoed her application. And I can only imagine what the responses would be like (and rightly so)

MRex · 05/10/2021 09:40

It all sounds chaotic and you shouldn't have got involved as neither of you appears to understand the implications of what you're doing with the money. If it isn't too late to back out, then do so. The accountants can get your financial share of the business confirmed, and you should do that. It should be formalised as either a loan to the business or shares, where you get proportionate dividends. If the friend isn't actually helping them it makes no sense to include them, again their input should be put in as a loan or shares.

YABVVVVVU to have a swearing fit over employing a woman, that's disgusting and you should seek counselling for whatever problems you have with women.

timeisnotaline · 05/10/2021 09:43

@Brighton5555

No my name is not on any paperwork. He is going into business with another friend 50/50. He couldn’t raise the initial half of his deposit so I helped him.

The other friend hasn’t pulled his weight so it’s been on him and and on me . It’s supposed to
Be the grand opening today and I don’t want to go. I feel like a mug .

Oh no you are a mug sorry!! No rights, no recognition, just lots of work. How much trouble are you in if you never see a penny back because it’s HIS business?
Theunamedcat · 05/10/2021 09:43

Were you throwing a fit over her being a woman or the fact that he hired her without speaking to you first

How much did you put into this venture?

timeisnotaline · 05/10/2021 09:45

Hi more time, no more money, and your time includes taking on extra family stuff so he can work, he will need to hire a babysitter etc if he won’t be around, until you’ve got something in writing about your stake in it or has paid you back and agreed you won’t be further underwriting him by contributing money, time , parenting or housework. After what he said to you that’s perfectly reasonable.