To just ask for support from you all

[marthasGinyard]

My previous names are only1scoop and MarthasGinYard I've been around years.

I suffered from anxiety for a while and was in a very unhappy relationship which ticked on for the sake of our daughter I guess.

In Feb/March this year I became ill with gastro issues and ended up having an awful time I had a breakdown. I vomited blood was losing blood ended to with scan after test a week in hospital all the time being scorned by my partner of 13 years. "I'll be glad when you have cancer" was among one of the things he said to me. I spent a night in a mental facility just to get away. He told me continually he didn't love me, was abusive in front of our daughter. I was struck with a horrid post nasal drip never encountered before and awful pains. More tests scans. Was left with a nasal voice but it went away. I was left with premature cataracts which I believe can be caused by oxidative stress. I spent 2 months with zero sleep in a continuous state of hyperventilation.

June I started to get better. Symptoms abetted and I wanted to leave. I calmly asked for my share of equity and the abuse flooded out. I was cabin crew for almost 23 years and always worked. After abuse I called police and came to a refuge where I have been since the beginning of July.

I started to get positive for mine and DD's new life and solicitor was handling the other stuff. I have some good friends but no family that can help much.

The only medical issue I still had was a strange vibration still in chest and a pressing feeling had started on throat. Gp puts everything down to anxiety and I wasn't worried about these symptoms but wasn't anxious at the time quite the very opposite.

Mid august I had a tremor start in my left thumb. The twitching then became bodywide. The GP did basic bloods which were ok and it didn't go. I went to see a neurologist privately but I felt all was put down to anxiety. I had an EMG test performed which was clear but very early on only 2 weeks following twitching,

The ladies at refuge have heard how I have been spoken to by old GP's and sent me to a new one. She saw the fasiculatiions and my scalloped swollen tongue twitching I explained my speech has changed and she has tried to expodite my neurology appointment with NHS. She took me seriously and examined me thoroughly.

I'm terrified this is MND bulbar palsy. I am woke with involuntary swallowing and throat feels all odd.

Benign fasiculation syndrome was suggested by Neuro but he didn't even look at the fasics. I've looked into this and it seems common amongst the young and fit sports type with big thumping twitches. Mine are tiny ripples some I barely feel but only see.

I'm terrified I will leave my Dd without her mum and with the horrible father we left.

I don't even know why I'm posting I just after being on here for so long wanted some MN support. I'm so lonely and frightened in this nitemare.

If anyone remembers me and can just offer support I'd be so grateful.

Had further EMG today and it was abnormal. My legs. I didn't understand what he meant so I've left message at hospital to see if he will call me back. He hasn't so far and. NHS so doubt it.

Terrified.

A friend will attend my appointment with me on Tuesday.

We move a week on Monday.

It's all too much.

Hi again.
I’m sorry you didn’t get any encouraging news at your EMG. It’s so frustrating to think of all of the questions you should have asked when you have time to process after the appointment.
That’s good to know that a friend is going with you on Tuesday.
X

Frightened.

I phoned and emailed asking for clarification all I was told was his secretary would send a report to me and specialist asap. I asked if he suspected MND he hasn't replied.

Terrified.

Thank you OMG

I am sorry Martha, is the report what you will discuss in Tuesday?

I am glad that you are taking a friend along.

All the best for the move.

💐

Hi again marthasGinyard
I think only a specialist will be able to make a confirmed diagnosis and that’s why you’ve been referred to see one on Tuesday. Only s/he will have the expertise which together with the results from your previous tests and recent scans, plus your own videos, will hopefully enable them to decide what is wrong.
You must feel desperate to know, I’m sure, but this is such a complicated field of medicine and nobody you’ve seen so far has the expert knowledge to diagnose.
I hope you can stay distracted today as it’s Sunday and make some plans, or lists at least, for your move next week.

OMG is right, they will want to go over all of your results at the same time and will probably discuss them in MDT, (the multi disaplinary team meeting of doctors, therapists and other experts) before your appointment so they have their best diagnosis and treatment plan ready. They're very unlikely to give you a diagnosis or even a hint over the phone or by email whether it's good or bad news so don't panic and assume the absolute worst. I'm really glad you have a friend to go with you. Maybe you could talk together before hand and write down your questions and fears so that if your mind goes blank you çan read through and write down the answers to keep you on track? I work with chemotherapy patients and our consultants will allow you to record a consultation so that you can listen to it again (and again) when you get home and brain freeze wears off... Maybe yours will let you too? Good luck on Tuesday, stay positive. No matter what they say, at least you'll know and shouldn't be in this awful, scarey limbo anymore... ((Hugs))

Thank you all so much each and everyone of you.

I sent her a very almost pleading letter to her to see me, listing everything I'm going through so other than the other symptoms that have ensued since I'll obviously let her do her job. Her secretary is wonderful.

The abnormal EMG I've had through today is apparently from a very senior consultant who is over the whole of training in the area. It clearly shows areas of problems he's linking to my spine. I think the leak caused my spine problems but I am not a Dr so shouldn't summise,

Beggars belief I had a clear EMG last week.

I know I won't get definite answers tmrw because that's not how it works but, I'm glad it's a woman I'm seeing and leader within the UK including research.

I move on Monday to our new home. Tiny cottage rural. Near school. Ladies at refuge trying to get me to focus on that.

Thanks for all your kind thoughts it's obvious you are all well versed medically and understand my worries.

Always grateful

Hats off to you Martha, you're one determined lady. keep that wonderful fighting spirit. Your daughter will be so proud of you for not just sitting there but doing you best in some very trying situations.
I love the sound of your cottage! Tell me about it?

I don't want to read and run. You've been through a lot, and I hope you find support, mentally and physically.
You sound like a strong person at heart and I hope that a light shines soon.
xx

Thank you

Don't really care if identifying as stuff doesn't bother me anymore.

Our little place is in a village 12 mins from daughters school oh the bloody irony, everything I morally don't stand by.

It's tiny and no garden but in open countryside. 10 mins from Ilam, Dove Dale and Ashbourne.

My wonderful dad has enabled us to get out of here. The alternative was homeless bed and breakfast in Burton on Trent or living in travel lodge/with friends for foreseeable.

Solicitor invisages force of sake up to 12 months and I speak to Cafcass on 14th.

Dd wants to be with me 5 nights a week but has admitted scared that he finds that out.

Had my appointment today with specialist did lots of blood tests/ urine but feels confident could be down to stress. Due to extreme symptoms I'm finding that hard to process but will go with it to get my dd moved. Will be reviewing and I'll be nearer when north.

Thanks so much for kind responses.

Means so much

I am wondering why the significance of the cost of your child's school? You repeat this often, so i would suggest exploring this aspect a bit closer.
I would worry about the trauma relating to your ex, as well as the pertinent issues of your physical health. Please dont ignore this aspect of your life, the physical and mental (or spiritual) work in tandem and affect each other.
You deserve and need an outlet for the emotional pain, which you are NOT responsible for. You can not blame yourself for the years you put up with this man, and i get the feeling you are torturing yourself somewhat. I detect a lot of guilt and self loathing for this situation, which you must prioritise.
Do you blame yourself for enduring this relationship? You mention he was misogynist/racist - how long were you aware of those traits?

I wish you all the very best, and a resolution to your physical issues, and a diagnosis which will hopefully help you to move forward soon.

'I am wondering why the significance of the cost of your child's school? You repeat this often, so i would suggest exploring this aspect a bit closer.'

Goes against everything I morally believe in. Happy to pay for school bit equally happy for his dd to be in refuge. I find it atrocious.

I feel he has a seedy side, it became apparent long ago and yes I torture myself with guilt as it's everything I m against.

Thank your post it's extremely relevant and conveys much of how I'm feeling.

Please don't torture yourself with anything - a dear friend taught me 'Don't use your own energy against yourself'. You have come so far. I hope you and your dd can be safe and happy in the future.

Thank you so much

Thank you so much I've sent you a PM

Much kindness

I withdrew my message as it was a bit outing but I've PMed you anyway OP.
Use all your positive energy on you and DD, you deserve peace now

@marthasGinyard

I've namechanged, yet again! But I'm one of the very old lot! I've posted a couple of times since you started this thread. I still can't believe how old DD is, I swear MN children grow faster than any others 🤣

I think I'm getting confused about the dates you're doing stuff or are you actually both moving & seeing cafcass on Monday 14th??

Will DD be on half term (we are)

Do you have any furniture etc for the cottage or is it fully furnished? Will you be able to get stuff from your old house/ex twats??

I understand why you keep mentioning the school fees. He pays those because HE wants her Privately Educated but asks you for money towards petty things he could easily afford. Let's her live in a refuge and is trying to fiddle you out if your share of your joint assets. He is a complete wanked. But don't feel guilty, we've all make choices/decisions we wouldn't in hindsight.

Let cafcass & soluctors deal with it all. Explain to DD she needs to be open & honest with them & state what she wants (to be with you 5 days or whatever) because otherwise she'll have to go along with what they decide, not knowing what she wants!

Please don't under estimate how much the mind can affect the body! I'm hoping beyond hope they can give you the mental & physical help that you need & being in the cottage helps!! & we'll see bits of the old Marthbre emerge!! Spring is coming too... but if sun, some daffodils & the world is automatically a better place xx

Little Miss

Fear not I honestly don't care that much about outing myself anymore, but I understand.

Bless you for your support

Means so much

Fantastic

Thank you

Big changes.

Refuge have managed to get me in a priority banding and I've got a brand new little 2 bed through housing association which apparently never normally come up in this area.

Little market town 12 mins school run.

It's put move back a week but that's fine will coincide with school hol. Dd already planning her new 'surfer theme' bedroom and it's going to be almost half the price. All I've lost is deposit they have agreed to reimburse the 6 months up front rent thank goodness.

I see SALT next week and Osteopath is going to have a look at my back.

Specialist bloods etc will be back by fri was being tested for something called Isaac syndrome, matha gravies or something like that and other 'mimics' they took a heap of tubes anyhow.

Cafcass I speak to on phone on 14th for an interview. Terrified.

Solicitor also on 14th to finalise force of sale as I needed a couple of things amended.

In the meantime ....
My legs wriggle like worms feet also but fasiculations rest of body are less.
My tongue is twitching and face, hate that the most.
I've had my broken tooth fixed.

To you all have a good weekend. Took my dd to see the new SING last weekend it was fantastic!!

So grateful and I've even been able to look at and comment on a few funny current threads like the old Martha. Had a chuckle.

Kind Hugs to one

And all

And the 'significance of child's school'

Fantastic summed it up

The bitter taste it leaves that he

Whoops

Insists on sending her there

Hi Martha things seem to be moving in the right directed. Your ex as definitely need for a reason, lol...
A rescue got sounds like a wonderful idea especially for your new house. Are you from a doggy family? I wonder what type of dog it will be... It's out there waiting for your daughter to love it... be prepared though, when my parents took us to potters bar rspca for a new cat my brother asked about the days. The two that had been there longest were a chihuahua and a partially sighted teenage Great Dane that was full of bounce
I've been thinking about my old 80s pixie boots ever since you mentioned them. They were grey suede with turned over tops and I lived in them. They were my first true love...