Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this is a hugely unfair double standard?

121 replies

Aleyamma26 · 02/10/2021 18:20

Background: DH and I have 2 young DC, aged 2 and 4. We both work full time.

It is very busy and obviously full on at home on weekends, lots of tantrums and whining and the usual stuff. In order to ensure that both DH and I have a bit of a "mental break", I tell him during the week what I plan to do at the weekend, even if it's just house stuff, cleaning etc. Makes me feel like I'm contributing and gives me time to think about something other than work or kids. I always, always ask him during the week if there is anything he would like to do for himself/around the house at the weekend, so that we can work around each other.

This week is the first week in a long time that I haven't really had any plan for the weekend due to a chaotic week both in work and life in general. I hadn't figured out what I wanted to do.

Today he disappeared for over 4 hours, part of it spent upstairs, part out of the house. Our toddler is going through a terrible phase of crying and whining and I was essentially screamed at for over 4 hours straight today. He knew this, he could hear this. Unfortunately he did not once volunteer a quick swap to give me a little respite. I waited to see if he would ask, but he breezes in and out of the room every hour or so and ignores.

I have come to the conclusion over the last while that if I don't "claim" my time for the upcoming weekend, he will just get on with his own thing and move from job to job essentially ignoring the fact that I have not had any opportunity to do anything all day for myself/my own to-do list.

He tells me I need to "speak up" if I want to do something. I feel this is an awful double standard as I never abandon him to fend for himself for hours on a weekend without checking in to see if he needs a break from the chaos, so he has never needed to speak up for himself, I would always check in if something was taking me longer than expected.

I have spoken to him about the importance of offering each other the courtesy of a mental break at weekends and that it is a priority for all of our sakes, so I can only assume at this point that he has no consideration or regard for me or my feelings. AIBU?

OP posts:
spotcheck · 02/10/2021 18:22

Have you talked to him?

Original poster
Aleyamma26 · 02/10/2021 18:25

Yes, spoke to him today. Same conversation we had a few weeks ago where he disappeared for a number of hours too. Explained that it's inconsiderate. Pattern just repeats itself it seems.

OP posts:
Chipsinthewoods · 02/10/2021 18:26

Yanbu for feeling how you do, it’s not ideal that he doesn’t volunteer, but would he be truly volunteering if you read him the riot act every time he doesn’t?

Maybe he gets in the zone doing what he’s up to and feels it’s a worthwhile task for the family (my DH does this mowing the grass and tidying the loft for hours and bounds in wanting praise when I’d prefer he’d been in the house helping me)

I think just stick with what you were doing before, or speak up at the time and tell him it’s his turn. It would be nice if he were more empathetic and proactive but sometimes you just have to spell out what you want/need.

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/10/2021 18:32

It’s not a double standard, it’s that the two of you have different standards. His is the ask if you want something, yours seems to be anticipate and offer. Neither is wrong, although yours is harder and could depend on mind reading.

Honestly, have a discussion that looks towards a middle ground instead of you telling him that his way is the wrong way. Perhaps a mix of generally ask if you want something, but also check in every two hours to see....

SanFranBear · 02/10/2021 18:35

Reminds me of my ExH. Unless I explicitly asked to lie in at the weekends, it would fall to me to get up with DC and whilst I didn't always object, it was more the assumption that unless it was agreed, it was me on call. The fact I left him in bed every weekday morning was irrelevant, apparently. There were obviously a lot of other problems but this was indicative of his selfish nature. How is your DH with regards to other shared responsibilities?

FWBNC · 02/10/2021 18:36

'Your way' sounds a bit much to me. Does it have to be so regimented?

Don't you work?

Does he not do housework etc?

Everyone I know just has a bit of a 'usual routine' & 'out of the ordinary' things are discussed.

Original poster
Aleyamma26 · 02/10/2021 18:39

@FWBNC I think I try to offer and facilitate because if I don't, it will undoubtedly lead to me being unable to do anything for myself all weekend. This has often included not even getting a chance to shower because he comes downstairs after taking his and heads out the door, no consideration for the fact that nobody in the house is washed or dressed. I work full time.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 02/10/2021 18:43

OP says she works full time in the second line. It's not regimented, thats not the issue at all. She offers him the option of relief from the kids but he doesn't think to do the same unless she specifically organises it first. OP YANBU to be annoyed but I'd just decide tha tomorrow brunch is your time o fuck off with the paper to a nice coffee shop.

CelloYouveGotABass · 02/10/2021 18:45

Would it be better to have set times instead?
My DH takes DS up to lunch on Saturday, I take DS on Sunday mornings and we figure the rest out together

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2021 18:46

Don't you work? It's literally the first line of the OP.

OP, have you asked him what would happen if you just disappeared as well? If he's allowed to take himself off without a word, so are you. And then the kids do what exactly? He does it because he thinks you're the default parent. In my house, we work out who is 'on deck' and for how long. Because we're both part of the crew.

DNAwrangler · 02/10/2021 18:47

It is a double standard though, because he doesn’t have to ‘speak up’ if he wants to do something does he? The OP is the default parent.

Brainwave89 · 02/10/2021 18:51

For me it would be about planning. You are absolutely entitled to some down time over the weekend Op, as is your DH. So you need to agree with each other when this will be.

WallaceinAnderland · 02/10/2021 18:57

Why would you martyr yourself with a screaming child for 4 hours instead of just saying, 'over to you' and doing your own thing for a while?

Kerikerikeri · 02/10/2021 18:59

I think you just need to communicate with each other.

If we are around the house then my DH will go out and do stuff in the garage etc. If I need him I call him. You could have called him and said if you wanted help or had something to do?

On a Saturday morning you should ask him what his plans are today and come up with a bit of a plan.

In your shoes today I think I would have got the DC out rather than sit in and have them crying

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/10/2021 19:01

I’d hate to have weekends so prescriptive, I’d never think to tell DH I was doing the housework from x to x. Neither would I expect either of us to need a break after four hours parenting unless the child was ill and we hadn’t had much sleep.

BendingSpoons · 02/10/2021 19:01

This is a double standard. You are the default parent and only get a break if you actively ask. He just merrily does his own thing. I would be fuming if DH left the house without speaking to me. If he is in the house, I would go to him after a while and tell him it's his turn with the kids. Or send them up to him. Obviously doesn't work if he goes out the house!

doublemonkey · 02/10/2021 19:02

If you want something then just ask for it in plain english. Don't expect him to offer. If you ask and he refuses then you've got something to complain about.

ellyeth · 02/10/2021 19:03

I don't really understand what this "list" is. Is it jobs around the house, exclusive responsibility for child care, watching TV or doing a hobby, a combination of all of these or what?

Teeturtle · 02/10/2021 19:04

I don’t understand what bit is a “double standard”. And I agree with a previous poster, your way sounds so regimented, like you want both of you to book appointments or mark up a calendar if you plan to clean the loo or hoover or do anything!

KatherineofGaunt · 02/10/2021 19:04

Did you ask for some time during the screaming when DH was home?

My DH and I have a rota so we each know exactly when our time is and when our free time is. But we wouldn't hesitate to step in and help if the other was struggling for some reason.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2021 19:05

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d hate to have weekends so prescriptive, I’d never think to tell DH I was doing the housework from x to x. Neither would I expect either of us to need a break after four hours parenting unless the child was ill and we hadn’t had much sleep.
Did you miss the bit about being screamed at for four hours? Or is that #blessed at your house?

It's not about that anyway, it's that he pleases himself which means OP can't. Which is, as she said, a double standard.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2021 19:07

@Teeturtle

I don’t understand what bit is a “double standard”. And I agree with a previous poster, your way sounds so regimented, like you want both of you to book appointments or mark up a calendar if you plan to clean the loo or hoover or do anything!
Because he fucks off without saying a word and she can't. I really don't know if people are willfully stupid or are so sexist it's like fish who can't see water.
FluffyWhiteBird · 02/10/2021 19:10

He's selfish and considering you to be the default parent .Don't worry what he's doing in future, call him from the doorway (because you don't want an accident with DC if he doesn't hear you leave and thinks you're still there) and when he replies, announce you're off out, then go without waiting for any further response. When he inevitably complaints later, because you didn't tell him in advance or let him know how long you'd be gone for, look innocent and say you didn't think he'd mind since he does same to you all the time.

FoxgloveSummers · 02/10/2021 19:11

I don’t know why people are finding this so hard to understand. It seems that the double standard is that in the OP’s husband’s mind:

  • if nothing is planned, he’s completely free to do what he likes
  • if nothing is planned, she is parenting both kids

The upshot is that he has freedom all the time unless previously booked to parent for a bit, while she is given default responsibility for childcare unless previously “booked out” to do something else. That’s obviously a massive double standard. He doesn’t care that you’re annoyed about this op?

I agree the only way to make him understand is to mimic his behaviour for a few days. I’ve actually heard it said that it’s the only way to really communicate with unreasonable people. When he’s left to do everything else for several hours he will be cross and can hardly then say you should love it when the situation is reversed.

FluffyWhiteBird · 02/10/2021 19:12

I really don't know if people are willfully stupid or are so sexist it's like fish who can't see water.

You can tell who the knobbish men are when they post.