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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel this is a hugely unfair double standard?

121 replies

Aleyamma26 · 02/10/2021 18:20

Background: DH and I have 2 young DC, aged 2 and 4. We both work full time.

It is very busy and obviously full on at home on weekends, lots of tantrums and whining and the usual stuff. In order to ensure that both DH and I have a bit of a "mental break", I tell him during the week what I plan to do at the weekend, even if it's just house stuff, cleaning etc. Makes me feel like I'm contributing and gives me time to think about something other than work or kids. I always, always ask him during the week if there is anything he would like to do for himself/around the house at the weekend, so that we can work around each other.

This week is the first week in a long time that I haven't really had any plan for the weekend due to a chaotic week both in work and life in general. I hadn't figured out what I wanted to do.

Today he disappeared for over 4 hours, part of it spent upstairs, part out of the house. Our toddler is going through a terrible phase of crying and whining and I was essentially screamed at for over 4 hours straight today. He knew this, he could hear this. Unfortunately he did not once volunteer a quick swap to give me a little respite. I waited to see if he would ask, but he breezes in and out of the room every hour or so and ignores.

I have come to the conclusion over the last while that if I don't "claim" my time for the upcoming weekend, he will just get on with his own thing and move from job to job essentially ignoring the fact that I have not had any opportunity to do anything all day for myself/my own to-do list.

He tells me I need to "speak up" if I want to do something. I feel this is an awful double standard as I never abandon him to fend for himself for hours on a weekend without checking in to see if he needs a break from the chaos, so he has never needed to speak up for himself, I would always check in if something was taking me longer than expected.

I have spoken to him about the importance of offering each other the courtesy of a mental break at weekends and that it is a priority for all of our sakes, so I can only assume at this point that he has no consideration or regard for me or my feelings. AIBU?

OP posts:

londonmummy1966 · 02/10/2021 22:29

One day when he waltzes off to the hardware shop leave the kids unwashed/dressed. Then when he get back say "I'm just off to have a look round the homeware shop and grab a takeaway coffee - do you want me to bring one back for you". Then as you are walking out throw over your shoulder - "the last x many weekends you've waltzed out without offering to get the DC washed and dressed so I've left them for you to wrangle". Then spend 4+ hours out pottering round the shops without telling him in advance that that is what you're going to do.

If he spends all morning leaving you with the DC - go out in the afternoon for a similar amount of time. It might not be what you want to do but it is an effective way of getting over the message.

CharityDingle · 02/10/2021 22:33

@WallaceinAnderland

If I say "OK your turn to take over", he will essentially prescribe me a task, like "well are you gonna cut the grass then?" Or something to that effect.

That's ok. He can ask and you can say, 'No, I'm having a break'.

Do you two not talk to each other? What's really going on here.

Exactly what I was thinking. Are you going to cut the grass...no, I'm taking a break/ going for a walk/ going shopping. He sounds horribly selfish, tbh.

Eddielzzard · 02/10/2021 22:35

I was going to say exactly what londonmummy1966 has just posted.

You have to make it tit for tat so that he understands. Yes, it's not how you would like it to be, but the only way to make him see is by making him do.

Come on. Don't be a martyr. You will feel SO much better.

Cherrysherbet · 02/10/2021 22:50

My DH has always had to work all day on Saturday’s and Sunday’s, so I can’t relate to the ‘mental break’ thing. It never happened for me, and I didn’t expect it once I had children anyway. Any jobs get worked around the kids, there’s no real structure.
I also don’t understand why a 2 yr old is screaming and whining at you for 4 hrs straight? I couldn’t cope with that!

Original poster

Aleyamma26 · 03/10/2021 08:32

@Talkwhilstyouwalk I understand your point, but I think it's hugely important for adults to have some kind of hobby and time (however short) to themselves outside of work to do something which they find fulfilling, regardless of whether they have children or not.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aleyamma26 · 03/10/2021 08:35

@Cherrysherbet my 2yo is just very frustrated, she is on the brink of talking in fuller sentences but doesn't have a lot of the words she needs to communicate and gets incredibly worked up over not being understood, especially when my 4yo doesn't understand her. I had an actual headache yesterday by dinner time!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 03/10/2021 09:00

But him a copy of the book "wifework" tell him you are no longer the default parent.

He doesn't ever just assume he can piss off out the house without it being discussed between you.

Seriously you need to get this sorted now as the resentment will kick in massively.

I would have told him he could stay in with the DC and you'll nip to the hardware store after you've had a leisurely shower or he can take the DC with him.

CaptSkippy · 03/10/2021 09:08

[quote Aleyamma26]@Talkwhilstyouwalk I understand your point, but I think it's hugely important for adults to have some kind of hobby and time (however short) to themselves outside of work to do something which they find fulfilling, regardless of whether they have children or not.[/quote]
OP, hobbies are important, but not just his. At this point he is not allowing you any time for your hobbies. Are you somehow not an adult? Are your hobbies and leisure time less important than his?

billy1966 · 03/10/2021 09:17

[quote Aleyamma26]@Popskipiekin yes, unfortunately this actually happens. He will have his shower in the morning on a weekend early-ish, takes his time with it (which I have no problem with at all to be honest as I would hate personal hygiene to become something that needs to be regulated, that would be quite grim). But he will then come downstairs, potter around the kitchen for a minute to get his wallet etc, and say "right, I'm going to grab a takeaway coffee and have a look in the hardware for X, do you want a coffee yourself?" And he'll be saying this with a straight face, looking at the three of us unwashed and not dressed for the day in front of him. Quite remarkable.[/quote]
Its not complicated OP.

He is a selfish prick and what you have written above is unbelievable.

Tell him you will shower next Saturday and leave him to it in the EXACT way that he has done.

No discussion and no excuses.

I wouldn't want to be with someone so utterly selfish.

He sounds like a shit husband a waster as a father.

This is not normal.

Stand up for yourself.

Wowwe · 03/10/2021 09:18

You both work full time , so you hardly see your kids in the week. And yet you need a mental break from them at the weekend? 🤔
And as for housework, chores etc . If he’s doing those then he’s helping right? I don’t understand the allocated times for things. Unless you are going out or have plans etc. It’s seems a bit controlled to me and awfully boring.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 03/10/2021 09:29

@Aleyamma26 I do agree with you about hobbies being important. I think things could improve a lot for OP if she and DP manage their time more effectively. It's really tough working full time and also having little ones to look after. Perhaps having set times each week that each partner gets to pursue their activities could work. And also making use of the evenings once the kids are in bed.....

I also find that taking turns with lie ins at the weekends allows everyone to catch up on sleep, which we all need to have the energy to look after our kids.

Also, from experience I would say cut corners to make your life easier:
Cleaner
Easy meals with minimal prep a couple of times a week - fish fingers are not that bad!
Skip bath time for the kids if it's been a long day
Pyjama day if you are not going out
TV in moderation is fine

LannieDuck · 03/10/2021 10:14

[quote Aleyamma26]@WallaceinAnderland it is not so much that I didn't say anything, it's more that we already had the conversation regarding courtesy and both of our right to have some control over our own weekend, as well as family time. I didn't think I would need to repeat myself so soon after the last time, which I just found very disappointing to be honest. It is now 7.30pm and I've just got out for a short walk - can't be long as we live on a rural road and the evenings are darker now.

If I say "OK your turn to take over", he will essentially prescribe me a task, like "well are you gonna cut the grass then?" Or something to that effect. That's why I like to outline what I want to do before the weekend arrives. It's generally a mix of house tasks and some exercise unless there is a (rare) social event planned![/quote]
But presumably his four hours this morning weren't doing chores?

So you just say 'no, I'm going to take four hours for myself, like you did this morning'.

pelosi · 03/10/2021 10:37

@Cherrysherbet

My DH has always had to work all day on Saturday’s and Sunday’s, so I can’t relate to the ‘mental break’ thing. It never happened for me, and I didn’t expect it once I had children anyway. Any jobs get worked around the kids, there’s no real structure. I also don’t understand why a 2 yr old is screaming and whining at you for 4 hrs straight? I couldn’t cope with that!

It’s not a race to the bottom.

Pumpkintopf · 03/10/2021 13:19

Op you seem very reluctant to take on board any of the practical advice you've had here. How are you doing today? Have you managed to have a conversation with DH to move things forward?

Original poster

Aleyamma26 · 03/10/2021 17:33

@Pumpkintopf I did try to take it on boards in terms of my actions today, said I was showering and doing the food shop at 11am this morning so if he needed to do anything it had to be finished by then. As soon as I returned from the shop though, he had the laptop open with some "work" that needed doing and I became the default parent again. I actually said I couldn't facilitate his sudden need to work as I had to put away the shopping and do something with my eldest DC. Seemed to do the trick but god knows everything will revert back to the same old shit next weekend!

OP posts:

Pumpkintopf · 03/10/2021 19:30

Good for you though for standing your ground today! I guess he's learned this behaviour over a lot of weekends so unlearning it will need some time and consistent behaviour and boundaries.

billy1966 · 03/10/2021 21:24

Good for you OP.

Put reminders in your phone to remind you to "inform" him of your time out.

You need to very firmly do this while you decide do you wish to remain married.

Eddielzzard · 03/10/2021 21:50

He will TRY to revert, but again, you SUBVERT. Come on. You don't win the war by giving up after the first battle is won. Keep going. You did well. You keep doing it, and after a while it will be the new normal.

pelosi · 03/10/2021 21:53

You seem to have given up before you’ve already begun.

What about the suggestions of just going out abs leaving him to it?

mswales · 03/10/2021 22:10

Really don't understand why you don't just organise a loose schedule. One has kids Sat morning, the other Saturday afternoon, Sunday mornings you alternate lie ins and Sunday afternoon is family time, for example. Wouldn't that save all the hassle of wondering who's going to get more free time each weekend?

WallaceinAnderland · 04/10/2021 17:58

[quote Aleyamma26]@Pumpkintopf I did try to take it on boards in terms of my actions today, said I was showering and doing the food shop at 11am this morning so if he needed to do anything it had to be finished by then. As soon as I returned from the shop though, he had the laptop open with some "work" that needed doing and I became the default parent again. I actually said I couldn't facilitate his sudden need to work as I had to put away the shopping and do something with my eldest DC. Seemed to do the trick but god knows everything will revert back to the same old shit next weekend![/quote]
Only if you let it!

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