Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To feel this is a hugely unfair double standard?

121 replies

Aleyamma26 · 02/10/2021 18:20

Background: DH and I have 2 young DC, aged 2 and 4. We both work full time.

It is very busy and obviously full on at home on weekends, lots of tantrums and whining and the usual stuff. In order to ensure that both DH and I have a bit of a "mental break", I tell him during the week what I plan to do at the weekend, even if it's just house stuff, cleaning etc. Makes me feel like I'm contributing and gives me time to think about something other than work or kids. I always, always ask him during the week if there is anything he would like to do for himself/around the house at the weekend, so that we can work around each other.

This week is the first week in a long time that I haven't really had any plan for the weekend due to a chaotic week both in work and life in general. I hadn't figured out what I wanted to do.

Today he disappeared for over 4 hours, part of it spent upstairs, part out of the house. Our toddler is going through a terrible phase of crying and whining and I was essentially screamed at for over 4 hours straight today. He knew this, he could hear this. Unfortunately he did not once volunteer a quick swap to give me a little respite. I waited to see if he would ask, but he breezes in and out of the room every hour or so and ignores.

I have come to the conclusion over the last while that if I don't "claim" my time for the upcoming weekend, he will just get on with his own thing and move from job to job essentially ignoring the fact that I have not had any opportunity to do anything all day for myself/my own to-do list.

He tells me I need to "speak up" if I want to do something. I feel this is an awful double standard as I never abandon him to fend for himself for hours on a weekend without checking in to see if he needs a break from the chaos, so he has never needed to speak up for himself, I would always check in if something was taking me longer than expected.

I have spoken to him about the importance of offering each other the courtesy of a mental break at weekends and that it is a priority for all of our sakes, so I can only assume at this point that he has no consideration or regard for me or my feelings. AIBU?

OP posts:

waybill · 02/10/2021 19:14

You need to get yourself out of the house for at least four hours next Saturday. Or preferably tomorrow.

Doesn't matter where, just go. Either early, first thing, before he has the chance to do his disappearing act, or immediately he returns. He needs a dose of his own medicine.

WallaceinAnderland · 02/10/2021 19:20

I can't get over you not saying anything OP.

For 4 hours!

cansu · 02/10/2021 19:21

He views the kids as your responsibility. He thinks he can do whatever the fuck he likes as you are the default parent. You either change his mind set or you tell him which parts of the weekend are his responsibility

Goldbar · 02/10/2021 19:22

Tomorrow morning, get up before everyone else and just leave the house. Be out for as long as you like, but at least 4 hours.

When you come back, if he complains, tell your DH he "needs to let you know" if he needs a break. After all, he's as much a default parent as you are.

Repeat every weekend until he gets the message.

Goldbar · 02/10/2021 19:23

Ahh @waybill has already suggested this. I agree!

Original poster

Aleyamma26 · 02/10/2021 19:30

@WallaceinAnderland it is not so much that I didn't say anything, it's more that we already had the conversation regarding courtesy and both of our right to have some control over our own weekend, as well as family time. I didn't think I would need to repeat myself so soon after the last time, which I just found very disappointing to be honest. It is now 7.30pm and I've just got out for a short walk - can't be long as we live on a rural road and the evenings are darker now.

OP posts:

Iloveabourbon2 · 02/10/2021 19:39

Why don't you go out as well OP?

WallaceinAnderland · 02/10/2021 19:40

If I say "OK your turn to take over", he will essentially prescribe me a task, like "well are you gonna cut the grass then?" Or something to that effect.

That's ok. He can ask and you can say, 'No, I'm having a break'.

Do you two not talk to each other? What's really going on here.

FluffyWhiteBird · 02/10/2021 19:44

[quote Aleyamma26]@WallaceinAnderland it is not so much that I didn't say anything, it's more that we already had the conversation regarding courtesy and both of our right to have some control over our own weekend, as well as family time. I didn't think I would need to repeat myself so soon after the last time, which I just found very disappointing to be honest. It is now 7.30pm and I've just got out for a short walk - can't be long as we live on a rural road and the evenings are darker now.

If I say "OK your turn to take over", he will essentially prescribe me a task, like "well are you gonna cut the grass then?" Or something to that effect. That's why I like to outline what I want to do before the weekend arrives. It's generally a mix of house tasks and some exercise unless there is a (rare) social event planned![/quote]
So when he tries to give you a task say "no, I've been looking after the DC all morning and now I'm going round to my mates house for a while" or whatever. If you can't say that out of fear of his reaction, then you've got an even bigger DH problem than you think.

Original poster

Aleyamma26 · 02/10/2021 19:46

@WallaceinAnderland we do talk of course. I like to think I communicate my feelings and wants very clearly, hence the pre-planning so I've set the expectation. He just seems to think it's a free for all if I have verbally expressed the time I have carved out for things I want to do.

It does feel heavily prescribed at times, but he needs things to be spelled out apparently, so that's exactly what I do. And still there is no consideration. Like why would this weekend be any different to my usual needs on other weekends? Why would I ever want to be screamed at relentlessly for hours? It's outrageous, in my view.

I guess I'm just a bit drained from the back to back tantrums and toddler fights today, and by the time I got a break it was the quickest walk of my life in the dark. Frustrating!

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 02/10/2021 19:48

Honestly, you need to just dump him with the dc and breeze out, like he does. He’s totally lacking in consideration. You shouldn’t have to book time off, he should be available to parent his own kids!

Original poster

Aleyamma26 · 02/10/2021 19:48

If I haven't carved out the time, I meant to say.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2021 19:49

Does he do chores 100% of the time he's not with the children or at work?

WallaceinAnderland · 02/10/2021 19:49

But then why don't you ask him to take over. I get that you feel you shouldn't have to ask but clearly, with him, you do. Silently seething isn't going to get you anywhere. If you need a break, just tell him and vice versa.

JustLyra · 02/10/2021 19:53

You’re the default parent and (in his mind) he takes over when you have something else to do.

I’m not usually one for being petty, but next weekend I’d just disappear on him leaving him with your DC.

If he doesn’t have to be considerate then neither do you.

FluffyWhiteBird · 02/10/2021 19:55

TBH though I'd probably just call it a day. You don't mention spending time as a family or couple, so where's the relationship?

Half these men are only in a relationship so they can get sex. Someone to share bills with, someone to do most/all the house chores for them, someone to parent the children they liked the idea of but not so much the reality, and someone to have sex with. Their downtime is spent with their mates/hobbies. That's their idea of a relationship. It's not mine.

I want someone to share all chores, bills and parenting, someone who actively wants to spend time with me/our DC, together as a family and separately.

Otherwise you're just housemates with a lazy roomie who doesn't want to clean, organise, babysit or go out with you, but does want to share your bed. What's the point?

pickingdaisies · 02/10/2021 19:57

When do you do nice things all together as a family? It sounds really joyless, OP, this can't go on. Really, is the only time you have to yourself booked in advance, and has to be a job or exercise? It's time to set out some new rules.

GraceAnatomy · 02/10/2021 19:57

If I was in your situation I would have just called him to come downstairs and get him to take over/help for a while. Granted you shouldn't ever have to ask, especially if the screams were audible throughout the house though. I can see why you're annoyed.

Original poster

Aleyamma26 · 02/10/2021 20:00

@FluffyWhiteBird that's a bit unfair I think. We do have weekends away together, we socialise with friends when we can (my parents are the only babysitters we have currently). We have spent this summer at friends barbecues, burthdays etc. with the kids. We have family time.

OP posts:

FluffyWhiteBird · 02/10/2021 20:00

It's outrageous, in my view.

In most people's view, I suspect. Which leaves you having to face the fact he's a selfish git who doesn't give a damn and work out what you're going to do about it.

FluffyWhiteBird · 02/10/2021 20:01

Ok fine you're just venting. I'll leave you to it

Original poster

Aleyamma26 · 02/10/2021 20:04

@FluffyWhiteBird venting yes, I suppose. But also seeking advice as to what I need to do in order to improve on the situation.

OP posts:

TintinIsBack · 02/10/2021 20:06

He is selfish and doesn’t think that he has any responsibility for the dcs unless he is forced to.
Because basically that’s what he is saying. Unless forced to because you have claimed this time to do , he will not step up to take care of his dcs or consider that it’s a shared responsibility.

I’ll be honest, in my house, it only changed when dh was left in full cahrge of the dcs for the whole weekend, every other weekend (I was working then).
Befire that, it was just easier to have me as THE carer as a default position.

Annasgirl · 02/10/2021 20:07

[quote Aleyamma26]@FluffyWhiteBird that's a bit unfair I think. We do have weekends away together, we socialise with friends when we can (my parents are the only babysitters we have currently). We have spent this summer at friends barbecues, burthdays etc. with the kids. We have family time.

It's just hard, my kids are young, they are close in age, DC2 is not talking fully yet so communication is stressful between them at times and it leads to fighting. All very draining, but no different to anyone else.[/quote]
Actually OP, you seem to be ignoring that this is different to most people. Most of us do not live like this. Most of us do not live with selfish men. And I’m sorry to say, it won’t improve when the DC get older - you are not having a hard time because your DC are young, you are having a hard time because your DH is selfish. And, as has been noted many times upthread, he sees you as the default parent.

I don’t know why so many women who work full time tolerate men like this.

Spiindoctor · 02/10/2021 20:07

I feel this is an awful double standard as I never abandon him to fend for himself for hours on a weekend without checking in to see if he needs a break from the chaos, so he has never needed to speak up for himself, I would always check in if something was taking me longer than expected.

You're the default parent ---- but the above is partly why. You don't leave him to get on with it you check up to see if he needs help.

I do think if men (and it's usually men) have hobbies they will buggar off to them at the first opportunity and as long as you are holding the fort not feel they need to help. But as you ahve 2 DCs why can one have a child each sometimes or you both do something with them or you make a long term agreement that it's him for 3 hours, you for 3 hours then you share the evening. Or something that you can both stick to. Expecting him to offer isn't working.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5