To feel this is a hugely unfair double standard?

[Aleyamma26]

Background: DH and I have 2 young DC, aged 2 and 4. We both work full time.

It is very busy and obviously full on at home on weekends, lots of tantrums and whining and the usual stuff. In order to ensure that both DH and I have a bit of a "mental break", I tell him during the week what I plan to do at the weekend, even if it's just house stuff, cleaning etc. Makes me feel like I'm contributing and gives me time to think about something other than work or kids. I always, always ask him during the week if there is anything he would like to do for himself/around the house at the weekend, so that we can work around each other.

This week is the first week in a long time that I haven't really had any plan for the weekend due to a chaotic week both in work and life in general. I hadn't figured out what I wanted to do.

Today he disappeared for over 4 hours, part of it spent upstairs, part out of the house. Our toddler is going through a terrible phase of crying and whining and I was essentially screamed at for over 4 hours straight today. He knew this, he could hear this. Unfortunately he did not once volunteer a quick swap to give me a little respite. I waited to see if he would ask, but he breezes in and out of the room every hour or so and ignores.

I have come to the conclusion over the last while that if I don't "claim" my time for the upcoming weekend, he will just get on with his own thing and move from job to job essentially ignoring the fact that I have not had any opportunity to do anything all day for myself/my own to-do list.

He tells me I need to "speak up" if I want to do something. I feel this is an awful double standard as I never abandon him to fend for himself for hours on a weekend without checking in to see if he needs a break from the chaos, so he has never needed to speak up for himself, I would always check in if something was taking me longer than expected.

I have spoken to him about the importance of offering each other the courtesy of a mental break at weekends and that it is a priority for all of our sakes, so I can only assume at this point that he has no consideration or regard for me or my feelings. AIBU?

@Popskipiekin yes, unfortunately this actually happens. He will have his shower in the morning on a weekend early-ish, takes his time with it (which I have no problem with at all to be honest as I would hate personal hygiene to become something that needs to be regulated, that would be quite grim). But he will then come downstairs, potter around the kitchen for a minute to get his wallet etc, and say "right, I'm going to grab a takeaway coffee and have a look in the hardware for X, do you want a coffee yourself?" And he'll be saying this with a straight face, looking at the three of us unwashed and not dressed for the day in front of him. Quite remarkable.

But at that point you need to say "Hang on, let's get the kids sorted first, then go (why don't you take one of them with you )"

What happens if, instead of giving him a definite plan for you to be unavailable, whether that's in or out of the house, you say you just want some me time? To not be mother, employee or housewife? Does he understand that, or does it in his mind became oh, Aley doesn't want to do anything so I can do my own thing and she can look after the children?

But he will then come downstairs, potter around the kitchen for a minute to get his wallet etc, and say "right, I'm going to grab a takeaway coffee and have a look in the hardware for X, do you want a coffee yourself?" And he'll be saying this with a straight face, looking at the three of us unwashed and not dressed for the day in front of him. Quite remarkable.

"Who's looking after the kids, I'm out all day?" And wait for an answer...

@Aleyamma26. At that point, you need to make it a family outing! Say, "That sounds great! Can you get the kids dressed while I get ready and we'll all come with you for a family trip out to the store."

But as others have said, it's tiresome to have to remind him to think.

Best thing we ever did was both go part time and each of us have one day a week at home, we both got accustomed to looking after two kids on our own and knew what needed doing.

@Bigballer

Why do you have to babysit your offspring constantly? At 2 and 4 you plonk them infront of the television with some toys and get on with your day. If a child is screaming at you constantly tell it to go scream at their father.

Really? What an unusual home life you must have. Not many 2 year olds will sit happily in front of the TV with toys for regular long periods - and nor should they. They're also not a safe age to be unsupervised together, you could be doing aome.cooking or reading, but still have to be present and not off in the shower, as 2 year olds can be so quick at getting caught up in something dangerous, and a 4 year old is not old enough to.notice or be responsible for danger. If they're screaming and their father is generally unresponsive and/or removes himself from the situation as OPs does, then of course telling them to go elsewhere is hardly likely to work.

[quote Aleyamma26]@Popskipiekin yes, unfortunately this actually happens. He will have his shower in the morning on a weekend early-ish, takes his time with it (which I have no problem with at all to be honest as I would hate personal hygiene to become something that needs to be regulated, that would be quite grim). But he will then come downstairs, potter around the kitchen for a minute to get his wallet etc, and say "right, I'm going to grab a takeaway coffee and have a look in the hardware for X, do you want a coffee yourself?" And he'll be saying this with a straight face, looking at the three of us unwashed and not dressed for the day in front of him. Quite remarkable.[/quote]
And what do you do/say in response to this?

But I too had to come to the realisation that I had to be selfish and grab “me” time as it was never going to be offered.

This was my experience too. We’re another household where we both work full time and I found myself the default parent. I learnt I had to assert my right to ‘me time’ because otherwise my husband would basically take it all for himself. I spent a long time upset and frustrated that someone who supposedly loves me wouldn’t think to facilitate a break for me of their own accord instead of grabbing all available free time (and then some) for themselves.

Things have improved a lot since I started saying ‘right I’m off to the gym this morning’ or ‘I’m going shopping’ or whatever. Still not perfect. But a big improvement.

The OP is the default parent.

I agree. That needs to be pointed out to him.

It shouldn’t be necessary but if I were dealing with a screaming toddler and he just breezed in and out I’d have asked him if he was going to do any parenting.

At 2 and 4 you plonk them infront of the television with some toys and get on with your day.

If only.

Op, have you seen this comic:

www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear

I recall Michelle Obama saying that when Sasha and Malia were very young she started getting up early to go to the gym. Ridiculously early. But this meant that (1) she was doing something for herself, and (2) Barak had to get the girls up, dressed and breakfasted. The tasks couldn't default to her.

I have learnt that if someone refuses to understand that their behaviour is unfair on you, it's time to give them a taste of their own medicine.
So as pps have said next weekend just put your coat on and bugger off out for 4 hours, with a quick 'Bye back at 3" or whatever and go. When you get back if he complains say "But how is it not fair, it's what you do."

Yep double standards, sexism, your the default parent etc. Had to address this with my husband early on, his assumption he could just carry on doing jobs as I would be looking after our child. He took it on board and changed his behaviour as he realised it wasn't equitable. I explained I would never feel entitled just to do whatever I wanted without a thought for the needs of our child's needs, food, stimulation, etc. Men tend to fit children in around themselves more, I also realised I could do that a bit more too. So we communicate and if he's forgetting, I remind him.

Don't reduce your hours imo. You might end up doing 35% rather than 50% of the paid work but that will give him an excuse to push 100% of the domestic shit onto your shoulders, not only during work hours but 24/7.

To be fair your husband sounds much harder work and to be avoiding looking after the kids.

next weekend - book yourself out for as long as he had this weekend?

Next time - say 'can you just' then leave the house for a cuppa..

Put the same energy in as him - if he doesnt' step up step out!

I think that you need to agree a list of things that need to be done each weekend (perhaps on a Thursday evening?) and divide it up between you, and work out whether you're going to have any time that you don't either need to be looking after the children or doing the chores - if you do, and this time is not to be spent together with the children doing a 'family' thing, you should be able to split the time so that he's looking after the children as much as you are - or if not, he's doing chores not simply floating off in search of 'coffee' (do you not have your own coffee options???)

In all honesty, since you are both working full time and have children of 2 and 4 I actually think you both need to give up on 'you' time at the weekends. Plan day trips, go for lunch together, play together and have fun together. Kids tend to be happier when busy/out and about!

He doesn't get to have the weekend to himself, he's a father.....

Perhaps one of you needs to consider going part time? Or perhaps you could employ a cleaner so that you can get some time back. Something needs to change here! Focus on making the weekends fun for your kids!

@mummylondon16

so you both work full time but need a break from the kids at weekends. i always wonder what is thepoint in having kids if you work full time then at weekends feel stressed out by the life you chose. could one of you reduce hours? controversial but doable and might relax you both

And yes....I agree with this. Ratty or not they are your kids and they deserve attention from both of you. We all like time to ourselves, but these days an evening drink with a friend or a nice bubble bath when the kids are in bed is all I really aim for.....I don't even get to wee in peace most of the time!

MIL lives a regimented life. She worships routine. I am not like that.

Hence I wasn't really surprised when I moaned to DH about him not pulling his weight, & he said he needed a routine task or he wouldn't just get it done, wouldn't see it needed doing.

That's how it happened that he now does all the cooking, most the washing up & laundry. He has higher standards anyway. I do a lot of the "Oh my god the toilet needs scrubbing now!" and other ad hoc chores.

I could have copped resentment that he didn't "volunteer" or "notice" but instead I just worked with him being the way he is, how he was raised.

You can find a narrative to explain your husband (flavoured with so many forms of resentment listed here) and keep hoping he'll "change" or you can find a system that means your needs get better met. Lots of good suggestions here how to do that.

He sounds incredibly selfish and as others have said basically thinks you do the parenting and he drops in in it when he has to