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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this is a hugely unfair double standard?

121 replies

Aleyamma26 · 02/10/2021 18:20

Background: DH and I have 2 young DC, aged 2 and 4. We both work full time.

It is very busy and obviously full on at home on weekends, lots of tantrums and whining and the usual stuff. In order to ensure that both DH and I have a bit of a "mental break", I tell him during the week what I plan to do at the weekend, even if it's just house stuff, cleaning etc. Makes me feel like I'm contributing and gives me time to think about something other than work or kids. I always, always ask him during the week if there is anything he would like to do for himself/around the house at the weekend, so that we can work around each other.

This week is the first week in a long time that I haven't really had any plan for the weekend due to a chaotic week both in work and life in general. I hadn't figured out what I wanted to do.

Today he disappeared for over 4 hours, part of it spent upstairs, part out of the house. Our toddler is going through a terrible phase of crying and whining and I was essentially screamed at for over 4 hours straight today. He knew this, he could hear this. Unfortunately he did not once volunteer a quick swap to give me a little respite. I waited to see if he would ask, but he breezes in and out of the room every hour or so and ignores.

I have come to the conclusion over the last while that if I don't "claim" my time for the upcoming weekend, he will just get on with his own thing and move from job to job essentially ignoring the fact that I have not had any opportunity to do anything all day for myself/my own to-do list.

He tells me I need to "speak up" if I want to do something. I feel this is an awful double standard as I never abandon him to fend for himself for hours on a weekend without checking in to see if he needs a break from the chaos, so he has never needed to speak up for himself, I would always check in if something was taking me longer than expected.

I have spoken to him about the importance of offering each other the courtesy of a mental break at weekends and that it is a priority for all of our sakes, so I can only assume at this point that he has no consideration or regard for me or my feelings. AIBU?

OP posts:
TintinIsBack · 02/10/2021 20:10

Also talking doesn’t work.

The only that has worked with my DH to hand the responsibility to him and then lean back and let him get on with it.
When your DH is escaping upstairs, I’d go to see him with the dcs, hand them over and tell him ‘your turn’.
If he asks what you are going to do I would answer. ‘Not thé issue. They have two parents and it’s your turn’.

You’ll have to do a lot of reclaiming and boundaries settings if you don’t want him to take the piss.

TintinIsBack · 02/10/2021 20:12

@Annasgirl, I disagree with you.
I think most men are selfish by default just because we live in a patriarchal a society where mothers are the default parent. They have no reason to change that status that is at their advantage and the only way to change that is by establishing strong boundaries.

But the reality is that it’s hard work and unpleasant and very often not well received by said men.

Chloemol · 02/10/2021 20:13

Just do it to him
L

Original poster
Aleyamma26 · 02/10/2021 20:14

@Spiindoctor absolutely, I agree. I learned a long time ago that waiting for him to offer wasn't a viable method. Which is why I started a sort of scheduling process, based on both of us being equal and out of respect for the fact that we both deserve to practise activities that we enjoy. Otherwise it would be miserable.

He definitely has a bit of fear to overcome when it comes to taking on both kids by himself and just owning it. He seems a bit shook at the thought of being outnumbered. I have told him countless times that this isn't an acceptable approach to parenting. But alas here we are!!

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 02/10/2021 20:14

What you can do is do what he does. Get up early and out the door on the weekend and stay out all day.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 02/10/2021 20:14

Yeah my husband is the same sometimes - but I just walk in the room and hand the baby to him and say I need help!! I wouldn’t just sit there waiting

CyclingIsNotOuting · 02/10/2021 20:18

@WallaceinAnderland

If I say "OK your turn to take over", he will essentially prescribe me a task, like "well are you gonna cut the grass then?" Or something to that effect.

That's ok. He can ask and you can say, 'No, I'm having a break'.

Do you two not talk to each other? What's really going on here.

Absolutely this 👆

It’s perfectly ok to say no, I need a break!

IM0GEN · 02/10/2021 20:18

[quote Aleyamma26]@FluffyWhiteBird venting yes, I suppose. But also seeking advice as to what I need to do in order to improve on the situation.[/quote]
What you need to do is have a default position on childcare every single weekend. If one of you wants to change this their have to agree with the other.

Eg he has the kids Saturday 8am - 3pm and you have them Sunday 8am - 3pm. 3pm - bedtime both days is family time for all 4 of you.

If he wants to out with his mates he has to do it Sunday 8-3 or agree with you another time to trade off.

You can agree how you share chores - which I assume is 50:50.

user1493494961 · 02/10/2021 20:19

I voted yabu as I would have gone upstairs with the DC, said 'here's Daddy' and then would have left him to get on with it.

Pendore · 02/10/2021 20:25

OP you need to do exactly what he does and head out the door without making sure he has what he needs for the day and without checking in on him. Kids will be ok.

AnneElliott · 02/10/2021 20:26

I do think a lot of men do this - H certain my did. It's one reason why we o my have one DS. I wasn't prepared to parent two kids on my own.

I agree you need to have set times and then you have to agree changing them. And go out when it's not your turn- otherwise he will just slope off.

TintinIsBack · 02/10/2021 20:29

He definitely has a bit of fear to overcome when it comes to taking on both kids by himself and just owning it. He seems a bit shook at the thought of being outnumbered.

The thing is, he isn’t going to learn if he never has them together!
Time to leave the dcs with him on a regular basis and for you to go away so there is no possibility you can jump in if things go wrong. He has to learn and the best way is by trial and error, just like you did.

Airyfairymarybeary · 02/10/2021 20:29

There is so much more to this. You both work the same hours but you do all the parenting unless you have booked a cleaning slot?
What happens week day evenings? Bedtimes? Does he play with the kids? Help with homework?
You should have nipped this in the bud when you went back to work.

WallaceinAnderland · 02/10/2021 20:32

[quote Aleyamma26]@FluffyWhiteBird venting yes, I suppose. But also seeking advice as to what I need to do in order to improve on the situation.[/quote]
Well don't sit there with a screaming child for four hours for a start. Get up, take the children to him and tell him you are off for a break. Uness you think he will harm the children, it really is that simple.

Go out of the house for a walk, go to a coffee shop, a garden centre, go for a swim, visit a friend or relative, anything - whatever you want to do. What is stopping you from doing that, other than yourself?

couchparsnip · 02/10/2021 20:34

He sounds like he hasn't yet accepted that he's an equal parent.
If you don't schedule yourself jobs at weekend he then assumes you are OK to do all the childcare?
Tell him it's his turn to be the parent tomorrow and then go do your own thing for 4 hours. He'll cope, he's their father. And then he'll be able to do it next time without hassle.

OverTheRubicon · 02/10/2021 20:43

The amount of ingrained sexism in this kind of issue is underlined by how even many of the supportive posters are talking:

I don’t know why so many women who work full time tolerate men like this.

You should have nipped this in the bud when you went back to work

It's time to set out some new rules.

I suspect that like for many of us, this crept up over a long time, and that OP is too knackered and frustrated to be able to manage her husband in addition to a full time job and most of the work at home.

Sorry you're in this position OP. I think counselling can be really valuable in these situations - it provides a structure and place to have discussions and get your voice heard. It will also show him how seriously you're taking this, and if it doesn't work out then at least you know you've tried everything, and can make it as amicable as possible.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 02/10/2021 20:46

Of course YANBU. He expects you to take care of all the mental load of organising the childcare. He’s their father not a babysitter. Just go out for the weekend and let him take care of everything.

minipie · 02/10/2021 20:51

At this age our DC were incredibly difficult- both didn’t sleep, one turned out to have SN.

I made it clear that the default position every weekend was that we both looked after the DC together - because looking after both solo on broken sleep was so hard.

If one of us wanted a break then fine but it had to be reciprocated the same day or the next day.

I know that sounds regimented but the alternative was me being default parent while DH disappeared upstairs at regular intervals.

You had the conversation OP but you weren’t specific enough. You need to say “no disappearing except by prior agreement”.

MsMarple · 02/10/2021 20:53

YANBU to expect him to share childcare at the weekend, but YABU not to just ask rather than struggling away waiting for him to offer. He never will.

BSideBaby · 02/10/2021 20:55

Why didn't you just speak to him OP? If you wait for the average man to use his initiative you'll be waiting forever.

Popskipiekin · 02/10/2021 20:57

I found your comment that he would just swan out the house after his shower, without checking that the kids were up/ready and you were ok to be left, one of the most shocking things you’ve said actually OP, as to me that just demonstrates such a lack of common courtesy and respect. He’s operating as a solo agent. No thought for his DW. Just getting on with his day.

Tbh my DH has been similar and it’s been a long road but we are getting there. I too like to spell out what I am doing and what the house needs - and I instruct him to do his share. This works for us tbh, I don’t find it regimented. I check in with him that it’s ok for him to have the kids first thing when I go to the gym; he asks if he’s ok to do his hobby every fortnight at a weekend. It’s planned and it balances out. But I too had to come to the realisation that I had to be selfish and grab “me” time as it was never going to be offered. Astonishingly, after a period of me doing that, I realise - now I come to think about it - that DH is much more solicitous and will now suggest I might like to go and do xyz for myself. We’re getting there. I think you could too… good luck.

pelosi · 02/10/2021 20:57

Nothing will change unless you take a leaf from his book.

Tomorrow, get up an hour before he does, have a shower, tell him he has the kids and get out!

Have breakfast outside, don’t get sucked into breakfast routine at home.

Keep doing this until he realises.

Goldbar · 02/10/2021 20:57

Absolutely @OverTheRubicon. "Managing" male partners is an additional chore on women's shoulders that they can do without.

Men are not idiots. They realise that children have to be cared for and entertained, meals need to be cooked and chores need to be done. Very few of them are stupid enough to believe that these things happen by magic. It's just that quite a few of them don't view these things as intrinsically being their responsibility. It's this mindset which needs to change.

Pumpkintopf · 02/10/2021 20:59

Agree he sees you as the default parent.

I'd agree a list of tasks that need doing at the weekend and agree which of you will do what (cutting grass or whatever) and when, then also agree what down time you will both have away from the children, which you can spend however you please. So if you're 'off' 12-6 on Saturday he should be sorting children's tea for instance.

OverTheRubicon · 02/10/2021 21:04

@BSideBaby

Why didn't you just speak to him OP? If you wait for the average man to use his initiative you'll be waiting forever.
Correction: if we set our expectations of the average man this low, we'll be waiting forever.

They're both working full time. Both parents to exactly the same children. Why is it acceptable for him not to use initiative?