Help me write an email to this rude colleague

[Confused4313]

This colleague is young and in charge of the stationary supplies in place of work. I would say I’m her senior rather than other way around - this is just for context.

She’s been quite short tempered with me quite a few times. Yesterday for example I went to take a laminator and just said I might buy one for home too as they’re useful for kids stuff and she just snapped telling me that’s not anything to do with her and it’s my business not hers! I didn’t say anything as I was a little shocked at how she spoke to me. I’ve woken up angry (I do this a lot I don’t say anything in the moment but it festers over time).

What shall I do: email her now and just say stop being so ill tempered with me or wait till Monday and send email? I’m part time so I won’t be back in work till middle of next week and I won’t be so angry then and will let it go as usual

Don't send an email, speak to her yourself (preferably) or via your line manager.

@Goingdriving

The other day I was snappy to the doctor (absolutely nothing to do with him) and he asked if he’d done something to offend me and I apologised immediately.

Once I was interviewing a famous person and they were acting like an arse and I let it go for a bit and then said very calmlyI really wasn’t used to being talked to in this way and was this the way he spoke to everybody? and he blushed, apologised profusely and was very normal after that.

call people out. If they are half way decent they will be mortified and apologise. Be calm and direct. They are in the wrong.

Sorry, i meant this is great

Don't email her. Anyone can have a bad day.

If she does it again, I'd deal with it immediately. Tell her whatever is bugging her, it isn't your fault and there is no need to be rude. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help (you are her senior so set an example).

If she goes surly and quiet, walk away.

@andweallsingalong

I think you're over thinking.

She's not your friend, she doesnt know your kids. She wanted to get on with her work, you wanted to talk to an almost stranger about getting a laminator for your kids. She didn't want to here it and told you so. Neither of you are wrong. Although, it's work, if lots of people are chatting randomly throughout the day and interrupting her work maybe she needed to say something. Maybe she wasn't rude just assertive and you were over sensitive to perceived tone.

You say she's "been rude" like this before so stop trying to befriend her / chatting randomly about your kids. Keep it polite and business focused and see if that helps.

I don't really agree. She was definitely rude. However, at work there are sometimes just people who don't like each other and it's not necessarily a HR issue. You will just avoid those people as much as you can. If there was a good reason for not saving OP's stationery for her, the colleague could have explained politely eg "I'm sorry, but the system is that we leave everyone's order on their desk and I'm afraid I don't have time to set up a different system for people who are part time".

I totally disagree with people saying to complain to her manager though. That really is bitchy and cowardly.

I don't think that you should be aggressive in tone back to her.

If it were me, I would approach her and say something along the lines of "NAME, I was a bit confused by your response when we spoke about the laminator the other day. You seemed upset. Is there an issue with the way stationery is managed in the office, or is there something we need to do differently in future?" (not asking specifically if "you" or "I" have a problem or did something wrong). Let her response be your guide.

If she admits that she hates being the stationery person, or that aspect of her job is a problem, or if something else legitimate is a cause for concern then it's reasonable for the office as a whole to look at addressing that, if that's possible. If not, then it might be time to have an informal chat with her manager. With examples if you can. (along the lines of "I am concerned about NAME. Her responses to standard stationery requests and general conversations are becoming aggressive and affecting what I need to do my job. I’ve spoken with her about it several times but she’s not changing anything. What’s the best way for us to handle this?” and then leave that with NAME's line manager).

This is the sort of thing that can get unbearable so quickly and needs to be dealt with. The person should be given a chance to understand that their attitude stinks and is inappropriate and an opportunity to mend their ways - but if they can't do that they need to be dealt with so it doesn't make the whole office toxic.

I hope this is helpful. Sorry this is happening to you OP, it sounds quite nasty.

BTW - I've often thought "The Laminator" would make a great Marvel Superhero... . Best wishes to you.

I wouldn't e-mail her. Either tackle her in person or express your concerns to her manager.

If you are not her manager then speak to her manager and your manager. If her attitude is interfering with you carrying out your job then they need to know about it.

you say that you couldn't speak to her about it because you're quiet.
If it's a perenial problem, not just her but she's a prime example, why not look for a self help book on assertiveness? Go for one that's got good reviews.

I think you should use this to set the basis of how you interact with her going forward. So next time no small talk, just get the laminator or whatever and carry on about your business. It would look very odd to all concerned if you sent an e-mail on a Saturday about her telling you that your plans to buy a laminator for home wasn't any of her business - it would even feel ridiculous writing that e-mail.

In person. The next time if it happens. Stop. Pause. Look at her - and say ‘is everything ok with you, this is the second time you have spoken to me like this - it’s insulting, unprofessional and rude. ‘ then pause and say nothing absolutely nothing - if she repeats it or is rude just repeat the above again and pause - if she carries on - you take it to her line manager and state what she is doing that it is creating a hostile awful working environment and is not productive for the team.

I had an issue this week,a complaint against a member of staff was received by me - I forwarded it by email to the member of staff and asked her to respond and resolve it- I did this within the hour, ten days later person emails me again and says I haven’t heard from Anna have a meeting with her tomorrow just wanted to know the situation.

So I forwarded her email on to Anna and wrote Dear complaint maker, I’ve forwarded this on like I did the last one and I’m sure she can resolve it before your meeting.

Next thing there is an immediate response sent to all - you didn’t forward on the original complaint and I don’t know what she’s talking about as you didn’t tell me I needed to respond. Copied in the complaint.

Went and spoke to her line manager gently and said I have had this done it makes me look foolish etc and I started a new email just saying here is the forwarded email from 15/9 that is in my out box I have taken out the complaint person from the cc box as this is unprofessional to involve them.

Her line manager had a word, Anna came to see me and apologised and said she had missed the email. I sent a reply (we work in different buildings) saying no worries sometimes these things happen etc she also apologies to the complainer and then followed up with an email apology after the meeting.

Don’t be overly nice. But professional concern etc

yup, I'd be talking to her line manager but frame it as expressing concern....is Stationary Woman ok because you have noticed that her manner has become "curt bordering on rude" and you have also had a recent issue where your order went missing....so "I just wondered if she was unhappy or stressed"

That would be completely unprofessional as a manager to forward a complaint about a member of staff to the person who the complaint was about. I am amazed you thought it was ok to do this.

Don’t email. She’s not very nice and obviously not in to small talk. Just don’t ‘chat’ to her, keep it to business. If she snaps again, respond with ‘Oh have I upset you in some way?’

[quote Confused4313]@SpringSparrow yes but wouldn’t it take less energy to just say ok rather than the rant she gave me. She’s not autistic and is English speaking. Other examples are my stationary order was left out and as I’m part time, which she knows, it was taken by other staff. I asked her to next time keep hold of it till I’m back in work and her response was it’s not her problem and I need to order again! It is her problem as she’s only person in charge. I know it’s not her fault it was taken but she can st least keep hold of it rather than leave out for everyone to take[/quote]
I would have emailed her in response to that afterwards quoting what she has said and copy it to her line manager to deal with. She is impeding you being able to carry out your work and needs pulling up on it.

@WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo

In person. The next time if it happens. Stop. Pause. Look at her - and say ‘is everything ok with you, this is the second time you have spoken to me like this - it’s insulting, unprofessional and rude. ‘ then pause and say nothing absolutely nothing - if she repeats it or is rude just repeat the above again and pause - if she carries on - you take it to her line manager and state what she is doing that it is creating a hostile awful working environment and is not productive for the team.

I had an issue this week,a complaint against a member of staff was received by me - I forwarded it by email to the member of staff and asked her to respond and resolve it- I did this within the hour, ten days later person emails me again and says I haven’t heard from Anna have a meeting with her tomorrow just wanted to know the situation.

So I forwarded her email on to Anna and wrote Dear complaint maker, I’ve forwarded this on like I did the last one and I’m sure she can resolve it before your meeting.

Next thing there is an immediate response sent to all - you didn’t forward on the original complaint and I don’t know what she’s talking about as you didn’t tell me I needed to respond. Copied in the complaint.

Went and spoke to her line manager gently and said I have had this done it makes me look foolish etc and I started a new email just saying here is the forwarded email from 15/9 that is in my out box I have taken out the complaint person from the cc box as this is unprofessional to involve them.

Her line manager had a word, Anna came to see me and apologised and said she had missed the email. I sent a reply (we work in different buildings) saying no worries sometimes these things happen etc she also apologies to the complainer and then followed up with an email apology after the meeting.

Don’t be overly nice. But professional concern etc

I'm on board with paragraph one. I'm confused by the rest of it, but from what I think I can make out, you forwarded a complaint onto the person the complaint was about? But it was in your outbox rather than sent, so when complainer chased the matter (because you hadn't actually dealt with it) you forwarded that on too. Then the person who the complaint was about was confused because the second email was the first they were hearing about it. You spoke gently for some reason to a line manager??? Don't get it but it doesn't sound great.

At my first job the "stationary monitor" was responsible for anything going missing and expected to pay from their salary for missing items as it was their fault. As a consequence they were always on edge and were known as The Dragon.

I found out after going there for a pen (I'd been buying my own and my manager told me not to), her snapping and me asking if she was ok - which she took as an opportunity to let rip. To be fair she did later apologise to me. I knew that people would go there to steal things, I'd no chance of stopping it, but later in my career I made sure that was something that wouldn't be tolerated.

The way to handle staff stealing stationary is NOT to punish the person you put in charge!

Christ, who pissed on her cornflakes eh.

I'm like you OP in that I prefer to swerve confrontation and I'm not very assertive, however - someone being repeatedly rude and snippy for no reason, in a work situation, would eventually make me boil over.

I had a manager who could go from being your best mate to horribly moody and nasty (we called him Happy Feet) - when he was being especially vile I used to ask him if he needed help with anything to reduce his workload. That always seemed to take the sass out of him and it was a lot more effective than my misguided early effort of "What's wrong with you?". The look he gave me turned me to ice.

But if you don't have to work with this woman day in day out, just toughen up and stand your ground, no matter how mean she is. You've done nothing wrong and you don't have to justify yourself to her. Don't be friendly, don't chat, don't catch her eye, keep your face impassive, get what you need and leave.

I'm not sure that reporting someone for not responding politely to small talk will get you far.

Regarding giving away your stationary, can't you just reorder it and put a note on the request saying it wasn't held for you last time so your manager is aware.

Going forward with her, no small talk, minimal interaction be brusque but not rude, then if there's anything material you can pull her up on it.

@andweallsingalong

I think you're over thinking.

She's not your friend, she doesnt know your kids. She wanted to get on with her work, you wanted to talk to an almost stranger about getting a laminator for your kids. She didn't want to here it and told you so. Neither of you are wrong. Although, it's work, if lots of people are chatting randomly throughout the day and interrupting her work maybe she needed to say something. Maybe she wasn't rude just assertive and you were over sensitive to perceived tone.

You say she's "been rude" like this before so stop trying to befriend her / chatting randomly about your kids. Keep it polite and business focused and see if that helps.

Really? It was rude according to the customs of our society. Maybe in an ideal world, people we don't care for wouldn't chat to us about shit we don't care about. But they do, and most of us, instead of asserting our rights to be left alone, choose to tolerate the minor inconvenience politely rather than upset someone. Some believe the world's a better place when people show a basic level of care, patience and kindness towards each other.

[quote Confused4313]@SpringSparrow yes but wouldn’t it take less energy to just say ok rather than the rant she gave me. She’s not autistic and is English speaking. Other examples are my stationary order was left out and as I’m part time, which she knows, it was taken by other staff. I asked her to next time keep hold of it till I’m back in work and her response was it’s not her problem and I need to order again! It is her problem as she’s only person in charge. I know it’s not her fault it was taken but she can st least keep hold of it rather than leave out for everyone to take[/quote]
This example is a lot more relevant because her actions directly affected OP's work. You've got a case for raising a query with someone (the stationary cupboard's manager, if stationary Stacee thinks she can't change procedures?) about keeping your items back to prevent delays getting your own work done.

The snapping about a chitchat laminator comment: that's on Stationary Stacee. I'd pity her if she can't do idle chit chat without getting defensive. I'm thinking of the scary administrator in Monsters Inc, now.

How often do you actually have to deal with her though? Do you order stationery regularly?

If you don't have to deal with her very often, then I'd just make sure all orders are emailed, copied to your line manager (explain first) and so you have little face to face interaction.

If you want to call her out, the time is when it happens, preferably with witnesses. If it's 1-2-1 it could be quite easy for her to claim bullying, or that you are the aggressor.

Have you asked others if she's like that for them too?

In my experience stationery is quite stressful and difficult to get right for everyone, taking far longer than you might expect for such a mundane task. Maybe she has come in for some criticism from higher up and doesn’t want to spend any more time than absolutely necessary. It’s no excuse for the rudeness tho. If she is full time she may be envious and resentful of your part time hours. I wouldn’t email but might keep a note on my phone of any incidents with dates they occur, in case anything blows up in future.

@ablutiions

At my first office job the stationery 'minder' was so strict. He insisted that if you wanted a new pen then you had to bring the old empty one. If you'd lost it, then tough no new pen. And if you wanted a pencil, you had to bring a stump back too. He'd judge whether it was 'stumpy enough' to warrant a new one.

Don't send an email, be ridiculously polite to her next time. As Michelle Obama said 'rise above'

Jobsworth's and Gauleiters like this either think they are being efficient and safeguarding the firms interests, in reality they are waste everyones time and energy by being so petty or they are pathetic nonentities who take pleasure in exercising what little power they have in an overbearing way.

@Becca19962014

At my first job the "stationary monitor" was responsible for anything going missing and expected to pay from their salary for missing items as it was their fault. As a consequence they were always on edge and were known as The Dragon.

I found out after going there for a pen (I'd been buying my own and my manager told me not to), her snapping and me asking if she was ok - which she took as an opportunity to let rip. To be fair she did later apologise to me. I knew that people would go there to steal things, I'd no chance of stopping it, but later in my career I made sure that was something that wouldn't be tolerated.

The way to handle staff stealing stationary is NOT to punish the person you put in charge!

yeah i had a many job years ago where I was in charge of petty cash and any deficit had to be replaced by me. Its horrible.

I think the ‘shine a spotlight’ advice is very good. It’s important to let people know that you’ve noticed. It doesn’t have to be anything too confrontational.
I find confrontation difficult. I think it helps to know that you don’t have to say anything too harsh or extreme. I work on the principle that it’s rude to call people rude (other than children in your care) and I have no obligation to improve other people’s behaviour. This thought may help you to stop beating yourself up about it, which makes it harder in the long run. You do need to address your stationery being taken. It is probably best to handle the matter indirectly through your manager (likely to be more sympathetic than hers).