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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help me write an email to this rude colleague

152 replies

Confused4313 · 02/10/2021 08:27

This colleague is young and in charge of the stationary supplies in place of work. I would say I’m her senior rather than other way around - this is just for context.

She’s been quite short tempered with me quite a few times. Yesterday for example I went to take a laminator and just said I might buy one for home too as they’re useful for kids stuff and she just snapped telling me that’s not anything to do with her and it’s my business not hers! I didn’t say anything as I was a little shocked at how she spoke to me. I’ve woken up angry (I do this a lot I don’t say anything in the moment but it festers over time).

What shall I do: email her now and just say stop being so ill tempered with me or wait till Monday and send email? I’m part time so I won’t be back in work till middle of next week and I won’t be so angry then and will let it go as usual

OP posts:

SpringSparrow · 02/10/2021 08:43

It sounds like you were just making idle chit chat . I don’t think you should email tbh. She’s probably right that’s it’s not her job to listen to stuff not about work. I mean most of us would just listen and smile, but some people are more abrupt/ busy. She may be autistic or not have English as her first language. We’re the other examples to do with work?

cricketmum84 · 02/10/2021 08:45

I would be tempted to speak to her line manager. I bet you are not the first person she has been rude to.

HollowTalk · 02/10/2021 08:45

Given your update I would definitely speak to her line manager.

DFOD · 02/10/2021 08:46

If she has been rude to you a few times and you routinely go home and stew about it and consider an email approach at the weekend - it suggests that you might be conflict averse…..why have do you feel unable to deal with it and nip it in the bud face to face there and then?

Confrontation is uncomfortable if you don’t do it and it doesn’t have to run to conflict if you do it properly. Are you afraid of it escalating?

Either be ready next time to say something like “Do you realise you come across as rude ?” or “Don’t speak to me like that” or if you are generous and want to disarm her - “Is everything OK? As you are being snappy”

HollowTalk · 02/10/2021 08:46

It's outrageous that you should have to pay for your own stationery because the person in charge of it is so rude. Tell her line manager about it.

Muttly · 02/10/2021 08:46

Stop making small talk with her if she’s rude when you do. Be polite but only discuss what you actually need to speak to her about. If she’s constantly rude to the point of being unprofessional then raise it with her manager if you don’t feel able to challenge it directly

^this is very good advice if you genuinely don’t want to pull her up on her behaviour but honestly the best thing is calling her out directly, it will have by far the most impact even if it doesn’t seem so I’m the moment when she starts getting defensive. Just ignore her defensiveness, that is her problem not yours.

Wagglerock · 02/10/2021 08:47

Maybe she doesn't want to chat? I'm pretty curt when people try talking to me about pointless crap when I'm busy too.

R0tational · 02/10/2021 08:47

Your suggestion is perfect OP.
What a horrible lady!
Maybe think of her as 'odd' or 'perplexing' instead of rude/snarling to tske the sting out of her behaviour.
I would avoid asking my last office manager Qs as I couldnt be asked dealing with her attitude!

KittenKong · 02/10/2021 08:47

Do you have children? Imagine she is 5 - so if she does say anything just give her the blank stare that you give the kids when they are having a grump. It’s not worth the stress of confronting her/going to her manager.

KittenKong · 02/10/2021 08:48

@Wagglerock

Maybe she doesn't want to chat? I'm pretty curt when people try talking to me about pointless crap when I'm busy too.

But I expect you are professional!

SoundAndVisions · 02/10/2021 08:48

Next time you need something see how she responds. If she’s snappy look her directly in the eye and ask “is there a problem?” Keep your cool and see how she responds.
I know you might not like conflict but these things happen in office environments and if you’re senior to her you need to accept that sometimes you have to have direct conversations with people who are getting snappy with you.

Original poster

Confused4313 · 02/10/2021 08:49

@SpringSparrow yes but wouldn’t it take less energy to just say ok rather than the rant she gave me. She’s not autistic and is English speaking. Other examples are my stationary order was left out and as I’m part time, which she knows, it was taken by other staff. I asked her to next time keep hold of it till I’m back in work and her response was it’s not her problem and I need to order again! It is her problem as she’s only person in charge. I know it’s not her fault it was taken but she can st least keep hold of it rather than leave out for everyone to take

OP posts:

DarlingFell · 02/10/2021 08:49

Why are you letting her get to you like this? Let her be miserable, go in and get your pens and scissors, whatever it is you need and go, don’t let some office random dictate to you.

Let her know she has underestimated you. Be as curt to her as she is you. She wouldn’t talk to the CEO like that now, would she, so how dare she talk to you like that! Get some fire in your belly!!

ManifestingJoy · 02/10/2021 08:49

If she wants to be a rude snappy bitch, let her get on with it. Don't put anything in writing.

If you do anything, i"d just be really even tempered to everybody, let her see that you're the professional.

DFOD · 02/10/2021 08:50

@Confused4313

Thank you everyone! Yes I won’t email. How can do you deal with this awful feeling of being annoyed at yourself fit not having balls and dealing with it then and there? I’m really upset and I know it’s not normal being this sensitive

I would look at this as a safe self development opportunity. We are behind you! Plan what you will say - rehearse it in the mirror - and decide to go in and practice it. It’s really important to learn to respond in difficult situations - very hard when it’s a one off - but repeated means you have to take a stand

FWBNC · 02/10/2021 08:51

Her reply was rude, BUT I'm sure her sole job isn't monitoring the stationery and she probably gets fed up with everyone chit chatting when they come in to get something & she's in the middle of something else

Be polite, get what you need & go.

I see you've said you're not going to email, good decision.

ManifestingJoy · 02/10/2021 08:54

@SoundAndVisions

Next time you need something see how she responds. If she’s snappy look her directly in the eye and ask “is there a problem?” Keep your cool and see how she responds. I know you might not like conflict but these things happen in office environments and if you’re senior to her you need to accept that sometimes you have to have direct conversations with people who are getting snappy with you.

I think this is good advice. Put this person out of your head for now. Next time you need something from stationery just go in like it's a blank slate and ask for what you need. If she's weird with you again, say something like ''Are you OK?'' and she'll either back down a bit. Or if she pushes back with ''yeh, what do you mean'' say ''It seems like you think we've fallen out but we haven't, that I can recall''.

This is very little but it can put people like this ON NOTICE.

The technique (which I had to research when colleague was giving me and just me the silent treatment while love bombing all others around us) is called ''Shining a spotlight on what's going on''.

If you do this in a very calm way............ no accusations, no drama, it can make them think, oh fuck, I'll be a bitch to somebody else actually.

Gemma2019 · 02/10/2021 08:55

If she is already rude and snarls at you when you go in, why on earth are you trying to make chit chat about kids and laminators? Just order your stationery by email and collect in silence.

Blankspace4 · 02/10/2021 08:55

A different angle here but are you one of those people who mentions their kids at every available opportunity? Because you turned picking a work item up into a ‘my children’ conversation. Does she have children? Because if you don’t/can’t it can be draining feigning interest.

Tara336 · 02/10/2021 08:58

Honestly don’t know why people get so ridiculous over stationary, I worked for a company where they rationed pens! If your pen run out you would have to a Director and show her! She would scribble on a bit of scrap paper and if it started working again she would hand it back and tell you to keep using it! I got sick of it and used to bring my own pens to work.

OP don’t let this person get to you they are effectively a bully! Next time she’s rude smile sweetly and say “have I upset you?” I guarantee she will say no and will feel awkward, kill her with kindness it will drive her nuts that your not showing sign of being bothered and it will be an easier way for you to deal with it and avoids being confrontational

TheAverageUser · 02/10/2021 08:59

If you're not her direct manager then I wouldn't take this as such an insult. She's being rude but she doesn't have to talk to you about anything non-work related so just talk to her about stationary and nothing else. It doesn't warrant a reprimand and that route you'll have trouble getting stationary!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 02/10/2021 09:02

Who is her boss? I'd seriously have a chat with them. I doubt you are the only one.

turndownthevolume · 02/10/2021 09:05

I can imagine finding this really difficult and feeling a bit powerless in the moment and then angry. But you don't just have to suck it up, advice from @ManifestingJoy & @SoundAndVisions is v sensible. It'll feel scary in the moment but you'll be glad you did it.

PennyWus · 02/10/2021 09:05

Well she sounds like a charmer. Complain to her manager, with specific details. Don't be emotional about it at work.

If you can't be assertive enough to say to her in the moment, "there's no need to snap, i was only trying to be pleasant" then that's something also for you to work on.

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 02/10/2021 09:06

Oh ffs. She let other people take your stationary order then said it wasn’t her problem? And you just… started paying for your own? Well, yes, it was her fault, 100% percent. Believe me, if the CEO placed an order for a specific type of blue pen, she certainly wouldn’t let whoever take them and then tell the CEO, “Tough luck.” You should have reported her to her line manager then. Who IS her manager? Honestly, sounds like you’ll make more progress just going to them Monday and getting this over with, since you are incapable of just telling her to stop being a bitch and to just do her job.

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