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Original poster

Help me write an email to this rude colleague

152 replies

Confused4313 · 02/10/2021 08:27

This colleague is young and in charge of the stationary supplies in place of work. I would say I’m her senior rather than other way around - this is just for context.

She’s been quite short tempered with me quite a few times. Yesterday for example I went to take a laminator and just said I might buy one for home too as they’re useful for kids stuff and she just snapped telling me that’s not anything to do with her and it’s my business not hers! I didn’t say anything as I was a little shocked at how she spoke to me. I’ve woken up angry (I do this a lot I don’t say anything in the moment but it festers over time).

What shall I do: email her now and just say stop being so ill tempered with me or wait till Monday and send email? I’m part time so I won’t be back in work till middle of next week and I won’t be so angry then and will let it go as usual

OP posts:
TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 02/10/2021 09:07

Either, 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

or just a head tilt and a con descending smile.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 02/10/2021 09:08

I would talk to her direct line manager because she isn't behaving professionally. It is presumably her responsibility to keep your order and not allow other staff members to take it and her attitude was appalling. I think that needs addressing. I would email her direct boss and ask for clarification on her responsibilities and recount that conversation. You may get not be the only one not happy and bosses need written evidence to do anything.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 02/10/2021 09:10

I wouldn't go for 'did you mean to be do rude' since the answer is invariably 'yes' and them that leaves you nowhere to go. Don't engage directly, go above her head

MouseRoar · 02/10/2021 09:11

I used to find asserting myself very difficult as well. The only way to become comfortable with asserting yourself is to practice it, so look on this as an opportunity to develop a new skill.
You need to focus on your self worth. She has no right to treat you rudely, and you have every right to tell her this. Practice out loud a short, assertive sentence to use next time she is rude, and give it a go. It is so liberating!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/10/2021 09:11

I’d say something if it happens again, rather than email. But I wouldn’t use the standard MN ‘Did you mean to be so rude?’ - it’s bordering IMO on aggressive.

A calm, ‘Please don’t snap at me like that again - there was absolutely no need for it’, would be a lot better IMO.

Scarby9 · 02/10/2021 09:14

I completely agree with not emailing her about her attitude - that needs to be done in person at the time.

But you could email yoir (polite and perfectly reasonable) request for her to leep your stationery until you are in work. That way, you also have a record that you have raised the issue in a business-like manner, should shr continue to refuse.

Dear X
Further to our conversation on X date, please hold onto my stationery allocation unril X when I will be in the office, to prevent the cost to the company and unnecessary extra time incurred by both of us in repeating the order.
Thank you for your cooperation.

brokenbiscuitsx · 02/10/2021 09:15

@HollowTalk

Given your update I would definitely speak to her line manager.
This.

It’s one thing being grumpy but she is actively rude to you, it’s unprofessional and her line manager can talk to her about her behaviours. Hopefully external visitors don’t get to talk to her if she’s this rude to everyone.

Strawbsaturno · 02/10/2021 09:17

I wonder if she absolutely hates doing the stationery order therefore does the absolute bare minimum and cannot be arsed to chat about it at all?
Still No excuse for rudeness like that though. Fight fire with fire.

KaycePollard · 02/10/2021 09:17

No please don’t email her. It will make the conflict worse.

Rehearse in your head how you will respond to her in the moment. Take the emotion out of it - either go very high status and be very very polite to her. Or speak directly briefly and calmly to her about, say, your stationery order, pointing out - calmly and unemotionally- that it is her job to ensure that you have the tools to do your job.

You know she’s rude in her responses to your small talk (eg about buying a laminator for home) so don’t bother with that with her. Keep it calm and clear and work-based.

If her rudeness (eg over not having stationery you need) stops you from doing your job, then you need to mention it to your manager.

ElsieMc · 02/10/2021 09:19

We had someone like this at work and she literally terrorised the female staff. She worked as a PA for the CEO and literally managed to remove junior staff from their roles.

I finally snapped when she told me a conference room I had booked was not cleaned up afterwards. She gave me a dressing down in front of other staff. I told her as I was in Cornwall at the time a 6 hour journey back was unreasonable. She became defensive and told me I should still have done it. I told her she was absolutely ridiculous and to please shut up and get out of the office.

No-one said anything but CEO came to see me telling me her dog had died that morning. I asked what about all the other times. She said she would be having words, she was aware and I made the point that if I was a more junior staff member, I might have left as she was so aggressive.

I actually think she had some kind of problem with other women. The company got into financial trouble and as she was company secretary, she was called in by the administrators and questioned at length about irregularities.

I wouldnt wait til the next time op. I would go in and tell her you do not like the way she is speaking to you, that it is unprofessional and rude. Be prepared for her to fight back. I would tell her you have made your point but if it continues you will take it further. And mean it.

WellLarDeDar · 02/10/2021 09:20

Don't argue with her. Go to HR. Otherwise she'll take your email to HR and you'll get in trouble.

KaptainKaveman · 02/10/2021 09:21

@Confused4313

The thing is I’m very quiet and can’t stand up for myself. Everytime I go into her office she literally snarls at me. I don’t think I can say anything in person. Okay won’t email but maybe I’ll ask her if she’s okay as she’s been quite short tempered over past several interactions - how does this sound? It’s really unprofessional as I tend to not go in and get stuff and been buying my own stuff for job
You need to start standing up for yourself. Don't use your quietness as a free pass for her to treat you like shit. It won't stop!
NigellaAwesome · 02/10/2021 09:21

Next time it happens, just say calmly 'I don't appreciate the way you've just spoken to me. Please don't do it again.'

KaptainKaveman · 02/10/2021 09:21

If she literally snarls then you do something.

DeepDown12 · 02/10/2021 09:22

"Okay won’t email but maybe I’ll ask her if she’s okay as she’s been quite short tempered over past several interactions - how does this sound?"

@Confused4313, if you do this - she'll see it literally as an invite to do even worse. In my experience any question in response to someone's aggressive and rude behaviour is bound to give them room for some more of the same. What I think you should do is a cold, polite but firm communication of boundaries.

She says something aggressive and rude.
You: XY I would appreciate if you stopped using that tone with me in the future and keep our conversation strictly professional.

Then just put her on 'ignore' and communicate literally just the bare minimum necessary for the work.

Stoppochoco · 02/10/2021 09:22

I'd do as others have said and stop engaging with her, just get what you need and get on with your day. Stop the small talk.
Speak to her manager if you get a repeat of her losing your stationary again. It is her problem.
I doubt it's just you she's being obnoxious with, stationary control seems to unleash the tyrant in people ime.

HalzTangz · 02/10/2021 09:23

I wouldn't say anything to her at all, however I would raise it with her supervisor.

Eddielzzard · 02/10/2021 09:26

You have to start standing up for yourself. Practice a few phrases and then trot one out as hard as it is. I know, I've been there. I'm not there anymore.

'Please don't talk to me in that tone'
'Your tone is unacceptable'
'Don't talk to me like that'

Does she speak to others in the same way or is it just you?

NoSquirrels · 02/10/2021 09:26

Clearly she absolutely hates being stationery person and so is taking it out on whoever has a stationery-related problem.

Your choices are to say, in the moment, “X, no need to snap at me! Is there an issue we need to discuss because it’s not the first time you’ve been bad-tempered with me about the stationery order.” Or to go to her manager and say pretty much the same thing.

BrownCurlsAmberEyes · 02/10/2021 09:26

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

I’d say something if it happens again, rather than email. But I wouldn’t use the standard MN ‘Did you mean to be so rude?’ - it’s bordering IMO on aggressive.

A calm, ‘Please don’t snap at me like that again - there was absolutely no need for it’, would be a lot better IMO.

I agree with this - I hate the PA approach.

I might calmly say something like "I have done nothing to deserve being spoken to like that" and leave it at that.

GiraffeClimber · 02/10/2021 09:28

I wouldn’t email her at all. Realistically, what is it going to achieve? Unfortunately some people are just not very nice. Just let it wash over you.

Sargass0 · 02/10/2021 09:28

start filling in a spreadsheet every time you use a single staple or a paperclip and email her that on a weekly basis.

Holly60 · 02/10/2021 09:30

I would just own the interactions. Next time you go for the laminator, walk in in silence. Collect laminator, walk out in silence. Or walk In with a cheery hello to anyone else who is there, say nothing to her, walk away.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/10/2021 09:39

you dont know what is going on in her life
dont email.

make a note however many times she is rude to you if you wish to

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/10/2021 09:42

there must be a better system for you to get your stationery without someone else taking it

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