Help me write an email to this rude colleague

[Confused4313]

This colleague is young and in charge of the stationary supplies in place of work. I would say I’m her senior rather than other way around - this is just for context.

She’s been quite short tempered with me quite a few times. Yesterday for example I went to take a laminator and just said I might buy one for home too as they’re useful for kids stuff and she just snapped telling me that’s not anything to do with her and it’s my business not hers! I didn’t say anything as I was a little shocked at how she spoke to me. I’ve woken up angry (I do this a lot I don’t say anything in the moment but it festers over time).

What shall I do: email her now and just say stop being so ill tempered with me or wait till Monday and send email? I’m part time so I won’t be back in work till middle of next week and I won’t be so angry then and will let it go as usual

It's a life lesson to let this kind of little shit go. She was bad tempered for some reason - don't let it take up your brain space.

the stationery person in my previous department was of an equal band to me but very difficult and bad tempered about it.

Fuck asking her is she's alright etc. Not your business and you don't actually care. You absolutely have to stand up for yourself! Nothing else will work. Next time she is rude, face her directly, shoulders back and down, arms by your side, maintain eye contact, "why are you speaking to me so rudely?" said as bluntly as possible without appearing upset. She will likely counter with more rudeness so no matter what she says, maintain eye contact, deadpan "you're still being rude". Do not engage in an argument about whether she is rude or about your actions prior to her being rude.

If this sounds uncomfortable, good. It will be good for you and she is less likely to be rude if you're making being so uncomfortable.

I’d be tempted to tell her she’s very rude and it’s not professional to speak to others that way. If it happens again, speak to hr. Is she like this with anyone else?

I would note it down as an HR log and leave it.

Don’t ask her is she’s ok. If you have a poor working relationship I doubt she would confide in you anyway.

Any of the calm and factual responses upthread will do.

And in the kindest possible way, please work on her assertiveness. Self-help books are great for this. You can’t have this affecting your while weekend because you don’t have the confidence to deal with it.

The way to deal with feeling annoyed with yourself for not saying anything is to make sure that next time you DO say something. "Don't speak to me like that again, it's very unprofessional" - and walk off.

Who is her line manager? Surely you need to speak to them, say you're concerned about her as she is aggressive and rude towards you and is there some issue you should be aware of?

The other day I was snappy to the doctor (absolutely nothing to do with him) and he asked if he’d done something to offend me and I apologised immediately.

Once I was interviewing a famous person and they were acting like an arse and I let it go for a bit and then said very calmlyI really wasn’t used to being talked to in this way and was this the way he spoke to everybody? and he blushed, apologised profusely and was very normal after that.

call people out. If they are half way decent they will be mortified and apologise. Be calm and direct. They are in the wrong.

Leave it. She sounds like an arse, and you're right that this was rude. But if you're not working directly with her on a daily basis, a direct challenge is likely to cause more problems than it solves.

Emailing your colleague after the event like this is shooting yourself in the foot.

No matter how you word it, it will be open to negative interpretation - as being snippy, or cowardly, or prissy ... & your co-worker & anyone else she involves will use it as a stick to beat you with. They will wonder why on earth you couldn't deal with a (younger! junior!) colleague verbally, in the moment. You will be seen as petty & incapable.

Save it for next time, & have a few useful phrases lined up so you don't get too shocked to speak again -

"Do you think you could speak civilly Susan, you are in a professional environment"
"You are snappy today - is something bothering you?"
"Watch your tone, you are coming over as rude" etc

But the problem isn't with this c-worker, is it?
You shouldn't have to feel intimidated by a bit of lip from a chit of a girl.
You need to up your game, because until you tackle her head on - calmly but boldly - she will know instinctively that she has the upper hand.
So read this, & up your assertiveness game -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@HollowTalk

Given your update I would definitely speak to her line manager.

Speak to her manager and tell her that her repeated rudeness is unacceptable.

Never put anything angry in writing - it can be used in evidence against you! Either say it, or keep schtum. Make a sarcastic "joke" next time, like "somebody got out of bed on the wrong side today". It's more annoying than an admonishment, and less easy to respond to.

ask her if she got a refund......for the charm school course she obviously failed...

Yep don't put it in writing. If there is one thing I have finally learnt its with anything like this have a conversation.

As Michelle Obama said 'rise above'

When did she say that?

(I remember the difference between stationary (not moving) and stationery by thinking of e standing for envelopes).

Asking people if they’re ok is when they are rude is kind of passive aggressive and something you would do with a stranger. If it’s someone you know, be upfront and say you’ve noticed that they having behaving in a certain way with you and you would like it to stop. And yes e mail for this is just weird.

I wouldn't get too confrontational as she won't back down but will feel really angry with you.
Keep it light, oh someone forgot their weetabix this morning! Shows her you aren't phased by her. Then say look, i really need that stationery and I am not here on x day when it arrives. If you can link it to management then do, e.g. that was for manager x so I can reorder once more but we really can't reorder a third time. Please could you keep it back for me? Chances are she is struggling and made a mistake. This way you are helping her so are senior but nice. If I received the approaches above I would be feeling upset and angry.

@cricketmum84

I would be tempted to speak to her line manager. I bet you are not the first person she has been rude to.

No, you don't go to somebody's line manager when you don't have the courage to say something directly to the person, unless they've done something really serious. Going directly to someone's boss is really shitty.

I had something similar from a less senior colleague who was more like a receptionist. I let it go initially (thinking you never know whats going on in someone else's life and she was maybe having a hard time at home or had some bad news etc) and every so often she would seem ok. This went on for a quite a period of time and she got even worse and more cocky towards me (I think because I had let her away with it). I don’t want to say too much as it is outing. The atmosphere was terrible. I stayed in my office as much as possible but she scowled at me was awkward with customers waiting to see me.

But anyway I would try and avoid her as much as possible, definitely avoid being overly nice or making any small talk with her which I tried and it just gave her more confidence to be even worse. Keep a record of her behaviour dates, situations what was inappropriate etc and if it upsets you say something at the time or report her to a line manager calmly before things get any worse. My less senior colleague was basically a bully who was too big for her boots and her behaviour got much worse over time. Eventually she did something which went too far and tried to get me into trouble with my boss and it was the straw that broke the camels back. A meeting was called and she shot herself in the foot, I was calm, her managers clamped down on her and moved her, she got upset and ended up leaving. Apparently she had made a few other peoples life awkward over the years in her team and including her managers so they overwhelmingly supported me and wanted me to put in an official complaint.

I think you're over thinking.

She's not your friend, she doesnt know your kids. She wanted to get on with her work, you wanted to talk to an almost stranger about getting a laminator for your kids. She didn't want to here it and told you so. Neither of you are wrong. Although, it's work, if lots of people are chatting randomly throughout the day and interrupting her work maybe she needed to say something. Maybe she wasn't rude just assertive and you were over sensitive to perceived tone.

You say she's "been rude" like this before so stop trying to befriend her / chatting randomly about your kids. Keep it polite and business focused and see if that helps.

The person to speak to is your line manager. They can raise it with their counterpart.

Inform your line manager about the incidents. Don’t exaggerate perceptions. She won’t have literally snarled and you don’t want to have to defend that accusation. She has belittled you and dismissed you, leaving you upset.

It’s your line managers job to take care of your welfare at work. There is no need for confrontation of any kind. It’s not your job to manage this person’s behaviour, either by correcting it or highlighting it. But you are right to report it and how it makes you feel and act.

Btw the real life outcome of a lot of the advice on here will be the pair of your squabbling openly in the office followed by a lot of tears. Evoking the well known phase, they are both as bad as each other, when describing you. Avoid that trap, because stationary woman knows what she is provoking.

It’s also your line managers job to build your resilience and assertiveness. The outcome of this report may help you in other ways to improve how you relate to someone.

Always remember the way she treats you is an expression of her anger. It is an ugly emotion that eats her up and will destroy her. There is no victory or one up in her behaviour. Every example is her failure to control her emotions and be happy. It’s not your problem.

These are great! Calls them out withou4 upsetting them too much and makes it your issue rather than completely on them.
I don't think people set out to be like this all the time, it's more an unconscious thing or they have stufff going on. "Have I offended you?" Could work and she will open up. She might be struggling with work.

"You shouldn't have to feel intimidated by a bit of lip from a chit of a girl."

Chit of a girl because she's responsible for stationery? I presume she's a woman just like OP.