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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding Evening who IBU?

122 replies

Weddingstinger · 02/10/2021 01:55

DH (me) cousin’s wedding. There with DW, DC1 (5), DC2 (2).

Prior to wedding agreed to bring kids to the wedding since DH family will all be there and DC aren’t comfortable with DW family (hadn’t seen them much since start of Covid). So agreed only real option was to bring DC.

Also prior hadn’t fully agreed what would happen for evening do. DH wanted to keep DC up as long as they were comfortable, but once it became too much to take them back to room and split remainder of evening with DW 50:50. DW wanted DC to stay for full evening and to sleep in buggy in corner once they were too tired, as a one off.

Fast forward to wedding evening, DC2 struggling around half 8 and DC1 complaining about being tired and music too loud. DW, DH and DC go to room and get DC ready for bed. DW in an obviously angry mood complains DH is pandering to DC and tells DH to just go back to the party. DH suggests splitting remainder of evening (time is 9pm at this point) but DW refuses saying ‘if I go back down there I’m not having a time limit on me’. DH tells DW to just go to the party and DW does.

I think DW IBU as I offered a reasonable compromise to split evening and was willing to take either half of the evening. Bringing DC was only real option however DW believes because an offer was made
To leave them with her parents that either DC should sleep in a corner during evening party or DH should sacrifice his evening as he insisted on bringing DC to begin with.

Who IBU?

Apologies for length of message.

OP posts:

thecatmother · 02/10/2021 02:06

A little confused at the fact that you are referring to yourself as DH. Am I getting it right that it's your cousin's wedding, you didn't want your children being looked after by your wife's parents, you both had different ideas about the evening routine. The wife wanted to party and you had to do the bedtime.
I say, it's a compromise, she wanted a night to relax, and by the sound of it she is having a good time. Shame that you didn't take that babysitting offer from your in-laws , you could be dancing the night away too.

Bombaloorina · 02/10/2021 02:11

Why can you just say I / me?

Crazy to bring kids and expect them to sleep while a party is going on.

You should have left them with perfectly capable babysitters.

Balonzette · 02/10/2021 02:29

You should have had the children there for the whole evening as a one off and let them sleep in the pram, like your wife suggested. It's a one off! Either that, or leave the kids at home. Horrible way spend the evening, sat in a room listening to the party. But it was your idea.

Original poster

Weddingstinger · 02/10/2021 02:39

catwomen Yes my cousins wedding. We agreed we couldn’t leave kids with wife’s parents because kids have only seen them twice in person in 18 months and DC2 cries when left alone with them. Wedding was 6 hours from our home or 8 hrs from Wife’s parents house so couldn’t easily get DC if her parents took them and struggled. Also we have friends who live near the wedding and had a baby recently so we agreed we’d visit them as a family the next day.

As I say DW wanted kids to stay up or sleep in the corner but I wanted us to split the evening. Feels unfair to use the ‘my parents offered to take them’ as a way of putting the responsibilities on me when we agreed they couldn’t realistically take them. It doesn’t bother me cutting my evening short knowing my kids aren’t left with ppl they’re not comfortable with and so they can get a good night sleep. It bothers me that my wife wouldn’t evening entertain the idea of splitting the evening.

When we had only DC1 my wife’s cousin got married and wife insisted on bringing DC (even tho my parents offered to take her). Wife told me in that basically because it’s her cousin I would need to take DC to bed and cut short my evening which I did. So fast forward two years the situation was the same but reversed yet wife refused to do what she expected me to do at her cousins wedding.

I’m also a bit grumpy as wife came in at 1am specifically woke me up as she couldn’t get her dress off and now I can’t get back to sleep.

Just for context as well we both work full
time and do equal drop off, pick up of kids so it’s not long one of us spends way more time with the kids than the other so should qualify more for a child free evening

OP posts:

Original poster

Weddingstinger · 02/10/2021 02:40

blazonette there was only room in the car for a single buggy. So DC2 could have slept in it but my 5 year old we would literally had to force her to sleep in a chair when she was already complaining about the noise of the music and being tired and wanting to go to the bed

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2021 02:56

It's ridiculous that you didn't leave the children with their grandparents. Any upset would have been over quickly, they would have been perfectly fine and well looked after.

It seems to me that both you and your wife made this entire situation into a drama that was totally unnecessary.

Pikamoo · 02/10/2021 02:57

You are obviously just going to keep adding more and more details to back up your feeling of not being unreasonable. Stop sulking and go to sleep is my suggestion.

Referring to yourself in third person is weird.

timeisnotaline · 02/10/2021 02:57

I would have done the sleep in the pram option for a 2yo but with a 2 & 5yo dws parents would have been the answer. Last wedding we were at was my cousin and dh drove the dc (2&5) to his parents so we could enjoy the night. There would have to be a bloody good reason for me to sit in a hotel room with dc instead of attending a wedding, What kind of miserable night is that? and that was all your idea, so you sit in the hotel room.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 02/10/2021 02:59

From the way you describe it, I think your DW is being unreasonable. We have a child who struggles with loud music and is an early to bed/early to rise type and therefore we’ve never been able to convince her to stay up for a party. In the same circs, we have always tried to prioritise the person closest to the party getting married (eg in this.case you) or otherwise left early as a family at the point it became too much for the children. It doesn’t sound fair that you ended up left in the room all night. Sorry.

Original poster

Weddingstinger · 02/10/2021 03:03

aquamarine not to drip feed but a few months ago we took the kids up DW parents and asked them to watch them for few hrs while we went shopping. It was meant to be a tester for how comfortable they were with them. MIL said it’s fine I’ll watch them now u can go. We left but wife forgot phone and found MIL outside smoking an perusing FB whilst our 2 year old was climbing their steep wooden staircase. This was literally 5 mins after being left entirely in MIL care. DW was screaming at MIL so it’s easy to say on paper DC would be fine but harder to accept that’s the case after witnessing stuff like that. Kids climb stairs, u can’t watch them all the time I get it. But literally within the first 5mins of the first time ur left to watch them? I mean come on!

OP posts:

madisonbridges · 02/10/2021 03:05

If I've driven 6 hours for a wedding, there's no way I'm sitting in the bedroom for the evening! What would be the point of going?
I mean, you must have known before you went this would be a problem so why didn't you sort it out in advance? Madness not to leave the children with their gps.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2021 03:12

@Weddingstinger

You might have wanted to mention this at the beginning.

Your story keeps getting more and more complicated, doesn't it?

madisonbridges · 02/10/2021 03:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Auroreforet · 02/10/2021 03:18

I agree with you OP.
Your dw should have done the early part of the evening.
It is boring sitting in a room with dc when everyone is having fun but that's what being a parent entails sometimes.
And no, I wouldn't leave my dc for 48 hours with people they barely knew.
I would probably have bribed paid a teen relative to sit in the room with dc once they were asleep.

Original poster

Weddingstinger · 02/10/2021 03:18

aquamarine it doesn’t really get more complicated. But if you try and say ‘leaving DC with grandparents isn’t an option ‘ you still have loads of posters come on and say why don’t you leave them with grandparents? So details obviously get added when ppl can’t accept that fact and continually question it. Clearly you fall into this category

OP posts:

Monpetitpoisson · 02/10/2021 03:23

I don’t think you are unreasonable at all . I wouldn’t leave my children with my in laws either because they don’t know them properly

Your suggestion was the only logical answer

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 02/10/2021 03:24

I think a lot of posters are being unnecessarily harsh. we have been to weddings where our kids weren’t invited or didn’t know those getting married so have arranged to leave them with relatives we trust. There have been other times we have travelled long distances (sometimes overseas) for weddings and parties where we’ve had to take the kids along too. When in unfamiliar places we have always chosen to avoid unknown childcare options and family are usually busy partying. We have always made it our priority and responsibility to do what is best for the kids. As I said above, I don’t think it is unreasonable to prioritise the person who is closest to person getting married, or take turns, but not to leave one person with the kids and totally overrule the other. I feel lucky that myself and DH have always agreed on this, even though it has meant occasionally missing out on some great party opportunities.

ittakes2 · 02/10/2021 03:25

You both are - you could have hired a baby sitter for the hotel room. I am not against children sleeping in restaurants on special occassions but planning for children to sleep at a wedding while parents are socialising and not watching them anyway does not make sense to me.

madisonbridges · 02/10/2021 03:26

How about, "we have no family to leave them with". Because as soon as say your wife wanted to leave them with her parents, you invite people to comment about that choice.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 02/10/2021 03:30

@madisonbridges

How about, "we have no family to leave them with". Because as soon as say your wife wanted to leave them with her parents, you invite people to comment about that choice.

I thought the OP said that both he and DW agreed it wasn’t suitable to leave kids with her parents? - if DW did want to leave the kids with her parents then that slightly changes my previous judgement, but still think we would have taken turns or prioritised the person closest to those getting married.

Pikamoo · 02/10/2021 03:33

But then he said that he insisted on bringing the kids? Lots of contradictions.

starrynight21 · 02/10/2021 03:34

Taking two little children to a wedding like this is ridiculous. You should have found a reliable babysitter and used them at your house while you were away at the wedding.

SpidersAreShitheads · 02/10/2021 03:40

I think you’re getting a hard time here OP because you’re a bloke.

If I’m exhausted I don’t want to fall asleep on a chair with loud music blaring so it’s unfair to expect a 5yr old to do the same when there’s an alternative.

Yes it’s a bit shit that you and your DW couldn’t enjoy the whole evening together but that’s the deal when you have young DC and no viable childcare options.

Your DW is BVVU. I’d not be impressed especially as you already did your part before at a wedding for her family. Sounds as if you need to be more assertive as she’s walking over you.

madisonbridges · 02/10/2021 03:41

@Justyouwaitandseeagain. The op wrote this in his first post...
however DW believes because an offer was made to leave them with her parents that either DC should sleep in a corner during evening party or DH should sacrifice his evening as he insisted on bringing DC to begin with.

It's a very muddled story that keeps developing.

Aphrodite31 · 02/10/2021 03:43

Why is everyone being so negative?!

The guy's DW and family don't come well out of this.

So DW insisted he has the kids while she enjoys her cousin's wedding. (And if 2 years ago and one child 2, one child must have been very young?)

Then when it is DH's cousin, she insists he has the kids because well yes again she wants to party.

Either he has the kids or they are left in a corner, one in the buggy, the other somehow in a chair.

And even she doesn't feel comfortable leaving them with her parents due to smoking, possible accidents, and kids being upset.

How in this scenario could people think DW's attitude is ok?

I totally agree with you, @Weddingstinger.

Your wife sounds pretty focused on her own needs. No the buggy etc sleeping was not an option. Nor the in laws.

Yes ideally you'd have had a baby sitter in your room.

Sorry. :(

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