Wedding Evening who IBU?

[Weddingstinger]

DH (me) cousin’s wedding. There with DW, DC1 (5), DC2 (2).

Prior to wedding agreed to bring kids to the wedding since DH family will all be there and DC aren’t comfortable with DW family (hadn’t seen them much since start of Covid). So agreed only real option was to bring DC.

Also prior hadn’t fully agreed what would happen for evening do. DH wanted to keep DC up as long as they were comfortable, but once it became too much to take them back to room and split remainder of evening with DW 50:50. DW wanted DC to stay for full evening and to sleep in buggy in corner once they were too tired, as a one off.

Fast forward to wedding evening, DC2 struggling around half 8 and DC1 complaining about being tired and music too loud. DW, DH and DC go to room and get DC ready for bed. DW in an obviously angry mood complains DH is pandering to DC and tells DH to just go back to the party. DH suggests splitting remainder of evening (time is 9pm at this point) but DW refuses saying ‘if I go back down there I’m not having a time limit on me’. DH tells DW to just go to the party and DW does.

I think DW IBU as I offered a reasonable compromise to split evening and was willing to take either half of the evening. Bringing DC was only real option however DW believes because an offer was made
To leave them with her parents that either DC should sleep in a corner during evening party or DH should sacrifice his evening as he insisted on bringing DC to begin with.

Who IBU?

Apologies for length of message.

I agree with OP.
They had to bring kids to wedding as they had no alternative childcare. Children won't sleep downstairs as it's too loud, bright and uncomfortable. So...it's split shifts for mum and dad. It's frustrating but that's just life sometimes. I don't know why people are being so snarky about it.

I think your wife has been extremely selfish.

I also think if the roles were reversed and you were a woman posting, you'd have very different responses.

Thanks for the feedback. And just for added clarity when the bride was clarifying numbers etc for the wedding for agreed to bring the DC and agreed in laws weren’t a viable option.

Fast forward a few weeks before the wedding DW was having a change of heart and now wanted to leave DC with her parents. Despite the recent incident with DC2 climbing stairs unsupervised within 5mins of being left in their care.

I said the desire for a child free night was
clouding DW better judgement, there’s no evidence to suggest DC would now be comfortable with in laws nor would I be totally comfortable and we should stick with the original plan as agreed.

So that’s what we decided but the ‘my parents offered to take them’ was thrown around a lot in the day and I guess the intended effect worked as I was guilted in to spending the entire evening in the room.

Hmm. I wouldn’t be very impressed but hopefully you can be pleased that you put the kids and their comfort / well-being first.

I think yanbu. While referring to yourself in third person is a bit odd I don’t think it made it difficult to understand.

I think although children can be heavy sleepers it’s a bit unfair for the solution to be to have them sleep in prams and buggies. I’d also feel uncomfortable just leaving them in the room while going off socialising.

Personally I’d like the occasional break of sitting in a hotel room so your solution of shifts going out and in would suit me. I know not ideal for all but the best option given circumstances. And not everyone can afford babysitters.

Your wife sounds manipulative in how she used the offer of her parents.

I agree with you and think the wife is BU.

Would you want to sleep on a chair at a party if you were knackered and wanted to go to bed? No. So why should the kids?

I think your suggestion of sharing the evening, while not ideal, was the only way of doing it.

YABU, stop obfuscating behind acronyms, if you are so worried about the children's schedule for one night, go to bed with them.

It sounds like you did the best you could with what you had and your DW sounds like a difficult person.

If this was written by a woman and her husband refused to stay in the hotel room with the kids and left to go back and party, waking up the wife when he got in, this would be a whole other thread of people slating the husband. Such double standards.

It doesn't matter what anyone here days, it was agreed not to leave the kids with the grandparents, and unfair for the kids to have to sleep in a noisy room unsupervised. My 2 would never do that, my eldest would.probably be scared!! Taking it in turns is the only option here and it's unfair on OP to be left to do it alone.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I think you need to speak to your wife about what happened. When your kids are young, it can be inevitable that you have to give up evenings out sometimes. I just wonder why your wife was so insistent she was going to stay and party when your kids were tired.

Communicate through all the probables before, next time. and be sure you are each happy with the consequences before you agree to anything.

This is quite simply a communication breakdown resulting in you being the one missing out. Enjoy the snuggly time with your children. Before you know it it will be them out partying and you asleep in the corner !

YANBU. Your DW is definitely BU however.

DH and I took DS1 to a wedding when he was a few months old (slightly different, I know) - he slept in the buggy when he needed to and when it got too much, DH took him up to bed at the hotel.
DH always goes to bed earlier than I do and the wedding was for my friends, so that seemed reasonable.

the first wedding you took your DC1 to, your wife's family, it was also reasonable for her to stay up and you look after DC1 when she was tired.

But this time around, it's YOUR family so your wife is BU, you should be allowed to spend time with YOUR family while she looks after the DC in the room. And yes, they should have been allowed to go to bed, ffs - it's not like you actually had to leave the building and drive any distance to let them go to bed!

Your compromise suggestion was a reasonable one, although I can see the issue with timing etc., She's being selfish.

I think your wife has behaved selfishly. It’s clear her parents weren’t actually a viable childcare option - I wouldn’t have left a 2yo and a 5yo with people they barely knew and who had previously done a poor job of looking after them.

I also wouldn’t have forced an exhausted 5yo to stay up when tired, and you would have had a miserable evening if you had.

Your wife should have agreed to compromise, especially as it was your cousin’s wedding. She was clearly just having a good time and therefore throwing things back in your face to get her way.

Your wife is being selfish. She should have split the evening or repaid the favour and let you go back downstairs. The kids sleeping in a corner isn't really an option for the 5 year old.

YANBU. At their ages it’s not fair to have them sleeping in the corner of a party, especially when one doesn’t even have a pushchair and is upset that it’s too noisy.

Your DW was being selfish and happy to put her want to party over their need to sleep/be safe (since you couldn’t have left them with her parents). She also didn’t think about you.

YANBU. Your DW sounds very selfish, she obviously knew that your original plan was a reasonable compromise but when it came down to it she was having too much of a good time to actually sacrifice missing something of the party.

I'm not sure why previous posters are being so harsh. The DW has gone back on a plan she agreed to, whether it was compatible with a proper night out or not it was their only option. I can't believe that some posters are saying they would have had the DC sleep at the party, the OP has already said they'd wanted to go to bed.

@Bombaloorina

Why can you just say I / me?

Crazy to bring kids and expect them to sleep while a party is going on.

You should have left them with perfectly capable babysitters.

This. They're not babies. They would have been fine with inlaws irrespective of how much time they've had them before.

The DW just wanted to have fun and was prepared to let 5 yr old sleep rough and 2 year old in buggy.

Personally I can't condone that. Bad, selfish, irresponsible parenting. That's all.

So you were bullied into missing the whole night.

Your DW is the unreasonable one.

This. They're not babies. They would
have been fine with inlaws irrespective of how much time they've had them before.

@Lightswitch123 RTFT. If wasn’t safe for in-laws to look after them; they wouldn’t be appropriately watched.

Did none of your family (who were all at the wedding) question your DW about why you were in your room or offer to take an hour up there so you could come down?

Your wife is the unreasonable one here. It’s so obvious and those who are giving you a hard time are clearly doing so because you’re a guy. If you posted a reverse, there would be accusations of controlling behaviour.

I get your wife wanted to party, but priorities change when you have children.

@Aphrodite31

Why is everyone being so negative?!

The guy's DW and family don't come well out of this.

So DW insisted he has the kids while she enjoys her cousin's wedding. (And if 2 years ago and one child 2, one child must have been very young?)

Then when it is DH's cousin, she insists he has the kids because well yes again she wants to party.

Either he has the kids or they are left in a corner, one in the buggy, the other somehow in a chair.

And even she doesn't feel comfortable leaving them with her parents due to smoking, possible accidents, and kids being upset.

How in this scenario could people think DW's attitude is ok?

I totally agree with you, @Weddingstinger.

Your wife sounds pretty focused on her own needs. No the buggy etc sleeping was not an option. Nor the in laws.

Yes ideally you'd have had a baby sitter in your room.

Sorry. :(

Pretty much all of this.