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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding Evening who IBU?

122 replies

Weddingstinger · 02/10/2021 01:55

DH (me) cousin’s wedding. There with DW, DC1 (5), DC2 (2).

Prior to wedding agreed to bring kids to the wedding since DH family will all be there and DC aren’t comfortable with DW family (hadn’t seen them much since start of Covid). So agreed only real option was to bring DC.

Also prior hadn’t fully agreed what would happen for evening do. DH wanted to keep DC up as long as they were comfortable, but once it became too much to take them back to room and split remainder of evening with DW 50:50. DW wanted DC to stay for full evening and to sleep in buggy in corner once they were too tired, as a one off.

Fast forward to wedding evening, DC2 struggling around half 8 and DC1 complaining about being tired and music too loud. DW, DH and DC go to room and get DC ready for bed. DW in an obviously angry mood complains DH is pandering to DC and tells DH to just go back to the party. DH suggests splitting remainder of evening (time is 9pm at this point) but DW refuses saying ‘if I go back down there I’m not having a time limit on me’. DH tells DW to just go to the party and DW does.

I think DW IBU as I offered a reasonable compromise to split evening and was willing to take either half of the evening. Bringing DC was only real option however DW believes because an offer was made
To leave them with her parents that either DC should sleep in a corner during evening party or DH should sacrifice his evening as he insisted on bringing DC to begin with.

Who IBU?

Apologies for length of message.

OP posts:

Seriallover · 02/10/2021 06:35

Your wife is being unreasonable for thinking its fair for her children to sleep while their was a party going on. I'm glad you took them to bed.

Also, its not her families wedding, therefore you should've been able to go down stairs. I hope she gets up with the kids this morning. She sounds self absorbed.

Sisisimone · 02/10/2021 06:49

I think splitting the night is a horrible idea. Even if you had decided to do 2 hours each by the time the 2 hours were up the person sat in the room would be sobering up and probably cba going back down and person 1 would be well in the swing of things and not want to leave. Plus you never know when these things will end. My own wedding about 50 people were still in the residents bar at 6am so shift 2 would have had a great time .

It was your cousin so you should have stayed, just like your DW did with her own cousin. However when you first went back to the room she told you to just go back to the party and you didn't, instead you told her to. So really now it just sounds like you are being a Martyr. If you wanted to stay at the party you should have just gone back down when she told you to.

Sparklybanana · 02/10/2021 06:57

You should have written this as if you were the female partner as it sounds like some shrewing is happening here. Your dw is being very unreasonable. It's your cousin and you should have been able to socialise with your family. If my cousin disappeared from my wedding and his wife stayed I'd be a bit . Your kids come first. Sounds like they were just a bit inconvenient to your dw.
If I were in this situation, then the person staying in the room would be the unrelated one but neither of us would take the piss and stay out late. Maybe because we actually like each other.

PatchworkElmer · 02/10/2021 07:02

Of course YANBU

WhoWearsShortShorts · 02/10/2021 07:08

I have memories as a kid of kipping on some chairs pushed together at family dos - it's not exactly child abuse. Your 5 year old would have coped.

Anyway if you wanted to party you should have gone when your DW said to go. Splitting the evening was a bad idea for reasons others have said.

EdgeOfTheSky · 02/10/2021 07:13

Your DW was unreasonable.

Had it been a wedding in my DH’s family’s side I would look after the kids and let him celebrate. And vice versa.

Depends on the kids whether they would sleep in a corner, sounds as if they wouldn’t. If not, taking turns to mind then in the room would have been reasonable.

PairOfPears · 02/10/2021 07:16

It doesn’t sound to me like you’d actually agreed a plan ahead of time, if your wife was still going for the buggy approach and you were pushing for the bedroom. Better communication needed maybe?

And maybe a night out soon where you can let your hair down together?

Wagglerock · 02/10/2021 07:23

DW was being unreasonable. If that situation I'd have taken the kids back because it's DHs family and vice versa if it was my family.

Ideally though I'd have just gone on my own. Saves all the hassle.

stealthninjamum · 02/10/2021 07:27

I agree with you op, yanbu. i went to a wedding when my dc were about the same ages - I think maybe they were 2 and 4, the youngest was in a pushchair.

They endured the boring (to them) wedding, and long lunch with me taking them for long walks every so often / crayons / colouring / stories. Then the evening do was too much for them, it was a small venue so nowhere really quiet to stick the youngest one in the buggy and the older one was falling asleep. So both me and dh came up, put them to bed and I think went to bed early - or maybe he went down to party more.

If your dc have travelled for 6 hours and sat nicely through a wedding and lunch then I think they really need to come first for a while.

notanothertakeaway · 02/10/2021 07:29

I would have kept kids up as late as possible, then take them to bed and leave DH to party, as it's his family

I don't think splitting the evening would work. I wouldn't want to sit in party dress from 9pm, so I can go back downstairs at 11

AuntieStella · 02/10/2021 07:36

As you didn't have buggies for both, then she is BU and rather silly.

As she warned you that if she went down, she wouldn't come back, then I think you should have taken the first turn at the reception, and she could then do the second and see the party out.

And I think it's unfair to strop and in effect prevent your DH from the whole of the rest of the evening do.

Tilltheend99 · 02/10/2021 07:36

I think you are to caught up in who did what two years ago. It sounds to me like your wife was never happy with the proposal you came up with but you were obvious to her feelings on the matter. If you are upset by looking after the kids at the wedding you should have used child care

MrMeSeeks · 02/10/2021 07:37

Yanbu at all! If this was a woman her dh would be crucified
You’ve done nothing wrong. Ofcourse your kids should not have been just left to sleep there so she could carry on partying.

Sceptre86 · 02/10/2021 07:38

Ypu are getting a hard time posting as a man and also with the drip feeding. Yanbu, it was your cousin's wedding and unless your wife gets on better with him/her than you do then you should have stayed and she should have gone up with the kids. She also should have taken her own dress off and sounds inconsiderate. Yabu to not have said anything to her at the time ie. that you wanted to go back down to the wedding once the kids were sorted because it was a family wedding on your side.

We had similar but my son was 17months and my dd 2.5years old. We booked to stay at the venue my son fell asleep in his buggy and then when dd got tired and irritable too dh and I took them to our room. We got them ready and whilst he said he would happily stay with them I told him to go back down as it was his cousin's wedding after all. On my sister's wedding he did the same for me. Wedding or not kids still have to be managed.

Liverbird77 · 02/10/2021 07:42

No way would I have my kids sleeping in pushchairs in the middle of a loud party. Poor things would be uncomfortable and exhausted. I'd either have taken the babysitting offer or just one of us would have attended (whoever wanted to the most or was closest to the couple).

MakingM · 02/10/2021 07:44

Tbh, I’d have just enjoyed as much of the party as the children could tolerate and then called it a night.

I think perhaps both of you are being unreasonable trying to party with young children and no childcare.

smallybells · 02/10/2021 07:45

YANBU! As PP have said, if this was a thread by a wife about her husband everyone would be on your side. Your wife is definitely unreasonable!

Once the decision was made to bring the DC it is then a joint responsibility, she can't shirk that responsibility and not want to split looking after them because of a childcare offer someone made moons ago. I don't think it's appropriate to expect a 5 year old to sleep on chairs around drunk / loud people in a party with music, and a 2 year old in a pram. It's hardly a "time limit" on her partying imposed by a controlling husband, it's a couple sharing the childcare so they can both enjoy the wedding.

The fact your DW didn't want to split the evening then went to party returning hours later to wake you up to get her dress off is so rude. She shouldn't have woken you up to do that, perhaps she could have just slept on a chair downstairs?

Practicebeingpatient · 02/10/2021 07:45

As you post more it becomes clear that your wife is more of a party girl than you. You went to this shindig because it was a family event, your wife went for a child free night off - and she got it. I bet you half expected this and that's why you are pissed off.

If it had been me and my DH I would have been happy to go to bed early with the D.C. and let DH return to the throng because like your 5 year old I hate crowds and loud music whereas DH will stay at any party, no matter how shite, until the last knockings. Even when he is driving and on the Diet Coke he's there until the end.

If you are genuinely unhappy about this situation and don't want it to reoccur you will either have to agree a plan with your wife before the event being very clear that you will not be retiring early with the DC or, if you know deep down that's not going to happen, arrange safe and reliable paid child care either at your home or at the hotel.

ohfook · 02/10/2021 07:52

I think it just sounds like a massive communication breakdown tbh. I think maybe your wife was unhappy with the arrangements but you didn't feel like there was an alternative and maybe you both didn't make this clear to each other, so were both left trying to decide what to do at the last minute.

Also I think a lot of it would depend on who had been out most recently ie I've you've had drinks with mates every Friday night since the bars re-opened (exaggeration obviously) and she hasn't been out since before she was pregnant with your 2 year old, then I'd just give her this one tbh.

Brefugee · 02/10/2021 07:54

Meh - nobody wants to go back to a party at 9pm and have a curfew just when they're having fun.

I'd have left the DCs with the grandparents.

Failing that, either go and the non-relative goes up when the kids get tired, or only relative goes.

DunderMifflinSalesRep · 02/10/2021 07:59

So to clarify, OP is a man attending the wedding of his cousin with his wife and two DC.

Prior to the wedding, OP's parents in law demonstrated that they are not safe when it comes to looking after DC.

Initially, OP's DW agreed that her parents should not look after DC and that the DC should go to the wedding.

What OP and his DW could not agree on was what to do with the DC during the evening do. OP wanted them to take turns looking after DC in hotel room. DW wanted DC to sleep in chair / pushchair in one corner of the room.

During the event, it was clear that the DW's plan was never going to work, as anyone who has ever had a five year old could have told her. So DC were taken up to the hotel room and OP attempted to enact his preferred plan of taking turns. Instead, DW pointed out that the in laws could have looked after the kids, and flounced back to the party, leaving OP with the kids (I may have embellished the flounced bit).

Now OP is on Mumsnet getting opinions, but because
a) He's committed the heinous crime of being a man

and

b) he obviously wasn't sure how the acronyms on MN work and referred to himself in the third person, much like the Queen

he is now getting slated by the vipers rather unfairly.

OP, YANBU. Your wife sounds selfish.

Sparkletastic · 02/10/2021 08:06

Your wife should have agreed to the shifts plan. It was your cousin's wedding not hers.

ABCDEF1234 · 02/10/2021 08:11

I can't help but think you would be getting very different (kinder) answers if you were female.
I agree your wife is being unreasonable. Yes it's not an ideal way to spend the evening but it certainly sounds like the best of all options

beautifullymad · 02/10/2021 08:12

In your shoes my husband and I would have accepted that as a family we had children to care for and settle.

We both would have bid our farewells and taken the children to the room and settled them, and had an early night.
But I wouldn't have opted to stay in the hotel the wedding was at. I'd have booked a nice airB&B with a separate lounge and had time after the children were settled to reflect on the day with a glass in wine.

If you are travelling a distance to a wedding I can't see how the solution could be different. Staying and having a loud party beneath you would be miserable. Leaving the children with your in laws just wasn't possible. Therefore you address the issue together as a family.

Clarefromwork · 02/10/2021 08:21

I agree with you, ignore all of the negative comments.

You should have kept your situation the same but said you were DW when posting and you would have got fairer replies.

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