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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding Evening who IBU?

122 replies

Weddingstinger · 02/10/2021 01:55

DH (me) cousin’s wedding. There with DW, DC1 (5), DC2 (2).

Prior to wedding agreed to bring kids to the wedding since DH family will all be there and DC aren’t comfortable with DW family (hadn’t seen them much since start of Covid). So agreed only real option was to bring DC.

Also prior hadn’t fully agreed what would happen for evening do. DH wanted to keep DC up as long as they were comfortable, but once it became too much to take them back to room and split remainder of evening with DW 50:50. DW wanted DC to stay for full evening and to sleep in buggy in corner once they were too tired, as a one off.

Fast forward to wedding evening, DC2 struggling around half 8 and DC1 complaining about being tired and music too loud. DW, DH and DC go to room and get DC ready for bed. DW in an obviously angry mood complains DH is pandering to DC and tells DH to just go back to the party. DH suggests splitting remainder of evening (time is 9pm at this point) but DW refuses saying ‘if I go back down there I’m not having a time limit on me’. DH tells DW to just go to the party and DW does.

I think DW IBU as I offered a reasonable compromise to split evening and was willing to take either half of the evening. Bringing DC was only real option however DW believes because an offer was made
To leave them with her parents that either DC should sleep in a corner during evening party or DH should sacrifice his evening as he insisted on bringing DC to begin with.

Who IBU?

Apologies for length of message.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/10/2021 08:22

Any other children there

For a one off and weddings and dancing I would have kept my dd 4.5 up

If tired would have a cuddle or sleep in buggy

It’s one night !!!!

We had kids dancing at our wedding till 1030/11 or so. Loving the lights music etx

Yes some children don’t like noise etx

And don’t drip feed. At the beginning should have said gp. Aren’t trusted as last time they ……

No way would I be driving 6hours to sit in a room for the night

readwhatiactuallysay · 02/10/2021 08:22

@DunderMifflinSalesRep

So to clarify, OP is a man attending the wedding of his cousin with his wife and two DC.

Prior to the wedding, OP's parents in law demonstrated that they are not safe when it comes to looking after DC.

Initially, OP's DW agreed that her parents should not look after DC and that the DC should go to the wedding.

What OP and his DW could not agree on was what to do with the DC during the evening do. OP wanted them to take turns looking after DC in hotel room. DW wanted DC to sleep in chair / pushchair in one corner of the room.

During the event, it was clear that the DW's plan was never going to work, as anyone who has ever had a five year old could have told her. So DC were taken up to the hotel room and OP attempted to enact his preferred plan of taking turns. Instead, DW pointed out that the in laws could have looked after the kids, and flounced back to the party, leaving OP with the kids (I may have embellished the flounced bit).

Now OP is on Mumsnet getting opinions, but because
a) He's committed the heinous crime of being a man

and

b) he obviously wasn't sure how the acronyms on MN work and referred to himself in the third person, much like the Queen

he is now getting slated by the vipers rather unfairly.

OP, YANBU. Your wife sounds selfish.

Absolutely this.

Its quite clear the DW is in the wrong.

Your idea was only fair viable option, she was selfish not to stand by it.

readwhatiactuallysay · 02/10/2021 08:25

For a one off and weddings and dancing I would have kept my dd 4.5 up

The child was insisting the music was too loud, why would you make them sit through it late at night ?

If tired would have a cuddle or sleep in buggy

Their other child was in the buggy, so thats not an option.

00100001 · 02/10/2021 08:27

@madisonbridges

If I've driven 6 hours for a wedding, there's no way I'm sitting in the bedroom for the evening! What would be the point of going? I mean, you must have known before you went this would be a problem so why didn't you sort it out in advance? Madness not to leave the children with their gps.

Except that the GPs aren't suitable for looking after the kids.... OP has explained that multiple times.

MoreAloneTime · 02/10/2021 08:28

I think also some kids will sleep anywhere and others won't. The sleeping in a corner plan isn't a bad one if it works but no good if it doesn't.

EmoIsntDead · 02/10/2021 08:29

I think your solution made the best of a difficult situation. Your wife WBU and stroppy by the sound of things.

If the sexes had been reversed in this story then the DH would be getting absolutely torn to shreds for being selfish and uncooperative. Leaving the DW in the room with the children at their own family's wedding would be resulting in plenty of 'red flag' and LTB comments.

Feminism =/= misandry

PrivateHall · 02/10/2021 08:35

I don't think you are being unreasonable here at all.You were right that it was cruel to try and make the DC stay at the party. It was your family wedding so you should have got to go, just like she got to go to her family wedding.

She sounds quite difficult. 'Screaming' at her mum for not directly supervising the DC? I mean I agree it was not right, but 'screaming'?That sounds a bit deranged to me!

EatYourVegetables · 02/10/2021 08:36

If you both agreed that the maternal GP were not an option, you should have agreed ahead of time what happens to the kids. A 5yo can not sleep in a buggy in a room with music Eg hire a babysitter, agree how tk split the evening etc.

If I was DW and it was my DH’s family event, I’d offer to stay in the room. If it was my family’s event I’d expect him to stay in the room.

So YANBU, though you could have predicted the problem.

Sewannoying · 02/10/2021 08:41

@WhoWearsShortShorts

I have memories as a kid of kipping on some chairs pushed together at family dos - it's not exactly child abuse. Your 5 year old would have coped.

Anyway if you wanted to party you should have gone when your DW said to go. Splitting the evening was a bad idea for reasons others have said.

This is what my parents did too, and I hated it so much I swore never to do it with my own kids. I think the OP proposed a perfectly sensible solution.

Ellmau · 02/10/2021 08:43

Half and half would not have worked. I think you should have both gone to bed early with the DC.

bumblingbovine49 · 02/10/2021 08:44

I have no.idea why everyone is saying the story is muddled and giving you a hard time. The thing that is the problem is you didn't both agree what you would do if the DC got tired and unhappy before going so it isn't surprising it ended in an argument.

FWIW I completely agree with you op, it is shit to make a child ' sleep' in a pram if they are obviously unhappy in a noisy unpleasant to them environment. Sometimes you may not have a choice to do this but a wedding is hardly that since there are literally bedrooms nearby .

With my DS he'd have been impossible to keep from misbehaving or crying if we had tried that anyway making the party not much fun for us , so DH and I would either have not both gone to the wedding or we would have done what you were suggesting

2Two · 02/10/2021 08:46

@madisonbridges

OP isn't suggesting his wife should have sat in the bedroom for the evening - just for around a third of the evening. Doesn't seem unreasonable to me, particularly as the grandparents aren't safe people to have the children.

Wineandroses3 · 02/10/2021 08:46

So my take on what happened here from what you have said is your wife wanted to stick the two kids in a buggy in the corner of a party and you wanted to take them to bed and do shift pattern with your wife. The mother of the children wanted to party with the kids “asleep” in the corner. Irrelevant of the grandparent situation that’s another issue, the mother was putting her own needs before the needs of the children. Kids needs should come first.

Inertia · 02/10/2021 08:46

Your wife was unreasonable to insist on the children staying up at a loud party.

It would have been sensible to agree times beforehand, or both agree a cutoff time where everyone would go back to the room.

Odd that it’s your family but your wife insisted on the extra time with them.

2Two · 02/10/2021 08:49

@Brefugee

Meh - nobody wants to go back to a party at 9pm and have a curfew just when they're having fun.

I'd have left the DCs with the grandparents.

Failing that, either go and the non-relative goes up when the kids get tired, or only relative goes.

You'd have left the children with the grandparents who were known not to be able to keep them safe? Really?

FluffyTeddyBear · 02/10/2021 08:50

Your wife is being unreasonable.

Makingnumber2 · 02/10/2021 08:55

I think DW was being unreasonable IF it was genuinely a mutually agreed decision it wasn't going to work to leave DC with grandparents.
Ultimately kids' needs have to come first- sometimes that's shit for parents but that's parenting for you. Some children don't sleep easily 'on the go' in prams, with loud music/voices etc around them- my DD certainly never did. It's unfair to expect DC to try and sleep in a corner at a party if they don't want to/can't do it- I would be really pissed off if I was expected to do that by someone else tbh. It seems your DW has taken the stance that she is happy for them to be miserable and awake/trying to sleep in corner of a party and therefore, regardless of what kids want, that is what should have happened. Very selfish imo.

SoupDragon · 02/10/2021 08:55

Your wife was unreasonable. The kids weren't happy staying downstairs in the noisy room.

If it works, then sleeping in the corner of the room is great (I have a photo of DS1, then 2, asleep under a table at a wedding - he took himself off there and just went to sleep). However' not every kid can run about dancing or sleep in a corner of a loud room. It's a compromise you have to make for having children.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 02/10/2021 09:00

YANBU OP, I think your wife was behaving selfishly, the children needed to go to bed and as it’s your family you should have been able to stay at the party, or at least to split the time.
Sounds like you had agreed a plan in advance, but maybe after a few drinks she decided that she didn’t want to stop partying.

ThePlumVan · 02/10/2021 09:02

No one is BU. You both just have different priorities for the night out.
DW wants to make the most of it and be there throughout no matter what, you were thinking a bit more about DC needs.

Sometimes life throws situations at you. You scrabble through, and you move on.

Flowerpower23 · 02/10/2021 09:02

I agree with you OP. She sounds like she’s been selfish. There’s no way I would keep my kids at a wedding where they were tired and moaning it was too loud! 9pm would be the cut off for bedtime for me for the children. I’ve been to a wedding and hired a sitter to drive over and look after my daughter in the hotel room whilst she slept so I could go back downstairs and dance with my partner, we had used the sitter before - maybe this is an option you could look at for next time you have a wedding? Also, can’t get over people saying they go to weddings where kids aren’t allowed!! My mum always said ‘if the children aren’t invited, I’m not coming’ and I stand by that.

dualteaching · 02/10/2021 09:04

DW was being unreasonable. First, for the hypocrisy of not seeing that this is the same situation as her cousin’s wedding. Secondly, for not dividing it equally with you even when not taking 1) into account. Thirdly, for going back on the joint assessment of her folks as safe childminders, which they are not yet, simply because she wants to party, and then pretending childcare is your problem. Fourth, for waking you up in the middle of the night to help her get undressed. She could have been quiet and slept in her dress if she could not get out of it.

Leftphalange · 02/10/2021 09:11

Your wife was being unreasonable.

if she'd agreed taking the kids was the only viable option at the start, then she has been incredibly selfish and manipulated you on the night by going on about her parents, to get her own child free night.
not every child will sleep in a corner, one of mine needs the dark and quiet to sleep and would also have needed the hotel room
it's your family, not hers! If that had been us, I'd have offered to stay with the kids for the last few hours, so my husband could be with his family!

seven201 · 02/10/2021 09:15

I think as it's your cousins wedding then you should have had the entire night to be there. The split evening idea was a nice compromise.

KimmyKimdoo · 02/10/2021 09:16

You’re not unreasonable at all! Suprised that people would feel comfortable with a random “hotel babysitter” I certainly wouldn’t be. Also expecting a child to fall asleep on a chair so you can get drunk is hideous. We’re going to a wedding soon and our children are bridesmaids so have to come (they’re the same ages as yours). My husband has offered for me to stay alone in the evening as it’s my family at the wedding but we’ll see if I want to on the day. Current plan is that we’ll be keeping them up to dance as long as they can cope with and then all leaving together. If it was husband’s side of the family I would be happy to take the kids and let him stay too. Your wife sounds very selfish.

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