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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding Evening who IBU?

122 replies

Weddingstinger · 02/10/2021 01:55

DH (me) cousin’s wedding. There with DW, DC1 (5), DC2 (2).

Prior to wedding agreed to bring kids to the wedding since DH family will all be there and DC aren’t comfortable with DW family (hadn’t seen them much since start of Covid). So agreed only real option was to bring DC.

Also prior hadn’t fully agreed what would happen for evening do. DH wanted to keep DC up as long as they were comfortable, but once it became too much to take them back to room and split remainder of evening with DW 50:50. DW wanted DC to stay for full evening and to sleep in buggy in corner once they were too tired, as a one off.

Fast forward to wedding evening, DC2 struggling around half 8 and DC1 complaining about being tired and music too loud. DW, DH and DC go to room and get DC ready for bed. DW in an obviously angry mood complains DH is pandering to DC and tells DH to just go back to the party. DH suggests splitting remainder of evening (time is 9pm at this point) but DW refuses saying ‘if I go back down there I’m not having a time limit on me’. DH tells DW to just go to the party and DW does.

I think DW IBU as I offered a reasonable compromise to split evening and was willing to take either half of the evening. Bringing DC was only real option however DW believes because an offer was made
To leave them with her parents that either DC should sleep in a corner during evening party or DH should sacrifice his evening as he insisted on bringing DC to begin with.

Who IBU?

Apologies for length of message.

OP posts:

seven201 · 02/10/2021 09:16

Although you should have discussed before hand

CyclingIsNotOuting · 02/10/2021 09:20

She woke you up to help her with her dress?!
YANBU.

diddl · 02/10/2021 09:22

I probably would have tried with them sleeping at the place-but then they still need to be kept an eye on so it's not much of an eveninf imo.

I suppose half & half can work if both of you know people well enough/can easily get on with others.

Tbh I'd probably sent my husband by himself to his cousins wedding or certainly have stayed with the kids in the room once they were in bed.

That said, once they were asleep, other relatives would probably have taken turns sitting with them so that I could have a drink/dance with my OH.

I don't think it was "pandering" to put them to bed when they were tired.

KarmaStar · 02/10/2021 09:30

DR unreasonable.I expect she must see this in the cold light of day.

KarmaStar · 02/10/2021 09:30

thetesdybears · 02/10/2021 09:36

Ok well first of all it's never a gd idea to go to an eventing wedding with a 2yr old! I think in ur situation ur wife was unreasonable to not split the evening. That really wasn't fair at all and especially as it's ur cousin! I'd be really pissed off with her tbh. Maybe u shld have tried. youngest in the buggy although wouldn't have helped 5yr old.

It all depends on the children and what they are usually like in this situation of being up late or out of routine etc. Even then u can't always tell. I took my then 14 month old to an all day wedding as was a sibling. She was a great sleeper and always a smiley happy baby. However, she was a grump that day (totally not like her). She wouldn't go to any other family and by 8/9pm was absolutely shattered. I thought she'd go to sleep in the buggy. I must have walked all the grounds of the park that evening and she just wouldn't go to sleep. It was a rubbish night but everyone else had a ball. I had a grumpy baby to deal with. She finally fell asleep about 11pm. We then stayed up to 2am to try and make up for missing out and we all slept in to after 10am and missed the breakfast (at the very expensive hotel) I would NEVER go to a wedding with a baby/toddler again.

My 4yr old I would take as I know what she's like and she wld stay up late/dance/party be loving it.
My youngest almost 2, absolutely not as she is awful if she isn't in bed by 8pm. Would never go to sleep in a buggy etc and would not be just grumpy but hysterical and crying.

YoComoManzanas · 02/10/2021 09:39

Yanbu. I found early on with being a parent you each need to communicate clearly who is watching the dc and when we'll before an event. For instance, we went to a daytime extended family catch up in a country park with 3 and 5yo. Both were very independent bolters. We each took a child to keep an eye on and we still managed to have the 3yo disappear across the park to play in the sandpit while we thought he was playing in the bushes with all the other kids.
We did a few weddings with young ds and the evening do is pretty much a bust for us parents. Probably easier now they are older.

Sisisimone · 02/10/2021 09:48

If the sexes had been reversed in this story then the DH would be getting absolutely torn to shreds for being selfish and uncooperative. Leaving the DW in the room with the children at their own family's wedding would be resulting in plenty of 'red flag' and LTB comments

What absolute crap. Has anyone actually read the OP? They went back to the room and the wife told HIM to just go back to the party as she didn't want to do the split time thing. At which point he could have just gone back down and there round be none of this stupid drama. But no, he has a tizzy about the split time thing and tells her to go back down. Which she does, fair play because she already offered for him to go down, he says no then tells her to go down. Obviously there is a problem with communication here, people saying one thing and expecting others to be mindreaders, but can't see how you can be angry with your wife when you could have just gone back to the party when she first offered. The OP sounds a right pain in the arse.

SoupDragon · 02/10/2021 09:50

Has anyone actually read the OP? They went back to the room and the wife told HIM to just go back to the party as she didn't want to do the split time thing. At which point he could have just gone back down and there round be none of this stupid drama. But no, he has a tizzy about the split time thing and tells her to go back down.

She had a stroppy hissy fit about how she wouldn't be coming back if she went back down because she wasn't having a curfew.

The OP sounds a right pain in the arse.

It's the wife who sounds like a sulky pain in the arse.

Onlinedilema · 02/10/2021 09:54

Thinking back to when my children were that age. The idea of going to an evening do would have not entered into my head. However as you had a very long way to drive I understand that you couldn't leave after the reception.
I have spent many, many evenings going to bed in hotels, usually on holiday abroad, due to the children needing to go to sleep.
I think you should have both fine to the room and stayed with the children until they fell asleep then taken it in turns to go down to the party or brought drinks up and both stayed in the room.

Sisisimone · 02/10/2021 10:00

She had a stroppy hissy fit about how she wouldn't be coming back if she went back down because she wasn't having a curfew
Yes but this is after she told him to just go back down to the party. Then he pushed the idea of the split time thing which is just a terrible idea for all sorts of reasons so I can understand someone just giving a straight no to that.

It's the wife who sounds like a sulky pain in the arse
They both sound pain in the arses and I've no idea why I'm wasting time on a Saturday morning thinking about it . All this should have been sorted out before the actual evening. It was never going to end well just leaving the decision till last second, especially with alcohol involved.

SoupDragon · 02/10/2021 10:18

Yes but this is after she told him to just go back down to the party

You might want to read the OP again. She was in an "angry mood" when they got back to the room, angrily accused him of "pandering to the children" and told him to go to the party. She was stroppy from the start.

Pikamoo · 02/10/2021 10:43

Tbf the situation is different when you read only the OP and not the drip drip drip that comes after. Per the OP the only problem with the grandparents was they hadn't seen the DC much and also it was OP who insisted they come to the party rather than stay with the grandparents. Only in little drips does it come out that grandparents are negligent and actually OP didn't insist on bringing the kids. Just makes you wonder what else isn't being said when people do that.

Ispini · 02/10/2021 11:03

In the future just employ a recommended babysitter to stay in the room. We did this regularly when ours were small and were expected to attend work related functions. Most hotels have dependable babysitters that they use regularly and are known and vetted.

BillMasen · 02/10/2021 11:06

Typical thread where a female op would have cot consistent replies slating the husband, but a male op gets a mixed response.

Heyiam · 02/10/2021 11:58

I would have booked another room and invited GP’s to come along and baby sit there if they were willing to.

Or left the eldest to have a sleepover with a friend and taken youngest and let DC to sleep in a push chair for a few hours as a one off if it was proving difficult to find someone to watch the youngest other than DW’s parents.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/10/2021 12:03

@readwhatiactuallysay

For a one off and weddings and dancing I would have kept my dd 4.5 up

The child was insisting the music was too loud, why would you make them sit through it late at night ?

If tired would have a cuddle or sleep in buggy

Their other child was in the buggy, so thats not an option.

If you know your child hates loud noises then wrong to take them in the first place

Or buy ear muffs

If one buggy, cuddle one

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/10/2021 12:08

Or get a babysitter for the room

That would have made more sense

Most hotels esp those for weddings , wouid have a list of dbs babysitters they use REG

Werehamster · 02/10/2021 12:18

It can be hard when the kids are young though. My parents offered to babysit my daughter overnight when she was 3 and I attended a conference and it was a disaster. My daughter wouldn't stop crying. My parents got really upset about it. I ended up having to drive home in the middle of the night and driving back to the conference early the next morning.

ButterflyAway · 02/10/2021 12:22

YABU for writing in the third person.

00100001 · 02/10/2021 14:56

@Heyiam

I would have booked another room and invited GP’s to come along and baby sit there if they were willing to.

Why would you leave them in the care of someone they don't know and have shown that they're not really capable??

XiCi · 02/10/2021 15:16

The older I get the less patience I have with this sort of passive aggressive bullshit. Wife tells DH to go back down to the party. This seems to be what he wants. But no, he instead turns to his wife and says no, you just go back down. And then shock horror when she actually does what he says he is now angry. Instead of him actually just saying you know what, it's my cousin, I am going to just go back down for a few hours. I bet the wife is now getting the silent treatment or some other a hole form of punishment because she took her DH at his word and was not psychic enough to know his No meant Yes. Must be exhausting to live with.

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