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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is relatively normal behaviour for children?

805 replies

user124765 · 01/10/2021 23:27

Name changed for this, and also posting here for traffic.

I have three children from my marriage that ended a few years back. They are aged 10, 8 and 5. No learning issues with the kids or anything else to note, they are (to my mind) all NT.

The issue is that DP (who is hoping to live with us very soon) seems to take constant issue with their behaviour. This evening the children were upstairs getting ready for bed and I'd asked my 8 year old to have a quick shower before he brushed his teeth etc. We've just moved in to this house in the last few days so everything is quite new and different for the kids. I turned the shower on and checked it was the correct temperature for him before I left the bathroom instructing him to wash his body and not worry about his hair for tonight.
I get downstairs and sit on the sofa next to DP and almost immediately DS shouts 'Mummy!' from upstairs. I get up and head up to see what he needs, but he can't hear my reply to hang on... I'm coming, because of the noise of the shower so continues yelling 'Mummy!' and getting increasingly louder.
Once I've sorted DS out, which takes about 3 minutes, I head back downstairs and take my place back on the sofa. Immediately DP starts having a go at me about 'letting him talk to you like shit'. His tone is quite aggressive actually and I just feel like a bit of support from him rather than a bollocking for lacking as a parent wouldn't go amiss at this stage.

It's almost constant now, whenever we're together as a 'family'. DP's need to micromanage my children and his insistence that they behave badly. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks all the time, waiting for something to kick off and I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate the drama.
The kids are fine! They are children and full of joy and they do get excited from time to time. They sometimes push boundaries and behave badly...but isn't that normal? I feel like he's trying to turn my kids in to what he believes children should behave like, when as someone who's never had children himself he just doesn't know how kids really are!

Tonight I just lost my shit a bit and told him that I refuse to live my life walking on egg shells and I'm not going to change my parenting to suit him. I choose my children, every time. He said something like 'do you want me to fuck off then?' to which I replied that yes, him going home would probably be for the best right now. He was visibly upset and stormed out slamming the door behind him. He called me a 'fucking prick' under his breath too, which shocked me. That in itself is unforgivable to me I think. I felt sad when he'd gone but also incredibly relieved.

But now what? Do I end this? If I don't then I guess I have to keep him separate from my family, I can't risk him screwing my kids up with his controlling behaviour. Or is it me? 🤷‍♀️ Is he right that my children need pulling up on this behaviour. I just think it's normal...but who knows? Giggling in restaurants, being daft at bedtime when they've been told to settle down, shouting Mummy! over and over until you drop everything and go running. Isn't this all normal?

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 02/10/2021 08:19

I know you feel sad but from what he said 'sorting this out' means you changing to fit his standards and that's not on.

honkytonkheroe · 02/10/2021 08:21

What happens next is he says that he’ll back off and let you parent your own children without comment, he does that for a while and gradually slips back into his old ways! Don’t give him the chance!

Comingup · 02/10/2021 08:22

Best thing you ever did OP. My ex did this. Really similar to the things you've said. Just part of him being aggressive and controlling. Well done for getting rid.

MacMahon · 02/10/2021 08:22

LEAVE HIM. BREAK UP. DUMP HIS ARSE.

READ HER POSTS. READ THEM AND UNDERSTAND THEM!

Brokensunflower · 02/10/2021 08:24

It will have a really detrimental effect on your children to have him around them and speaking to you like that. Don't ever let him back.

MrsCremuel · 02/10/2021 08:24

Your children sound absolutely gorgeous and you sound like a lovely mum. Don’t let him crush your family’s spirit. Move on, for all your sake’s.

santaclawzz · 02/10/2021 08:25

Well done for sending the text OP. Hope you and the kids have a lovely day today whatever you get up to. They should always come first and your ex-DP sounds like a right wanker

JeSuisPrest · 02/10/2021 08:25

It's perfectly normal to feel heartbroken over the relationship ending even when you know you've done the right thing by you and your kids. You had good times with him and you will be grieving for the future you thought you would have together, but you know in your heart you need to look at the bigger picture which includes your kids growing up in a happy, healthy environment and you won't be able to do that with him. Flowers

lottiegarbanzo · 02/10/2021 08:25

Sounds like you've got him and the situation sussed.

Why would anyone think 'Oh, I'm a fucking prick, of course, that really puts my mind at ease and inflames my passion for this man'.

Sherrystrull · 02/10/2021 08:26

Your kids are absolutely normal. My kids are generally super behaved but still do the things you've described. It's normal and wonderful!!

He will get worse and you and your children will suffer. You've made the right decision.

Immaculatemisconception · 02/10/2021 08:27

@user124765

Anyway...I can't sleep. I picked up my phone and I have another message on WhatsApp from him. Curiosity got the better of me and I read it, the gist of it being that he loves me and hopes we can work things out. I replied 'I love you too, but I love me and my kids so much more. It's over, no need to contact me again'. Sad
Well done you. We always have to put our children first. 💐
MrsCremuel · 02/10/2021 08:28

I see you’ve ended it - well done OP and don’t let him worm his way back in. Wait for that man who respects and loves you all. I’ve seen the awful step-dad and it destroys families. I was lucky to have a great one, it is possible and I’d want that for everyone.x

Howareyouflower · 02/10/2021 08:28

You've done the right thing.

FelicityPike · 02/10/2021 08:28

As sad as it is, you did the right thing.

KurtWilde · 02/10/2021 08:29

Perfect response to his message. OP, well done.

SamMil · 02/10/2021 08:31

Well done! Please stay strong and don't change your mind. Flowers

FluffyTeddyBear · 02/10/2021 08:31

It’s annoying for some people but yes it’s normal and ultimately if you’re happy with them as a parent then that’s enough. If you were unhappy with it, it would be a different story.

I can’t see this relationship working.

EmeraldShamrock · 02/10/2021 08:35

Don't allow him work his way back in or you'll regret it.

sHREDDIES19 · 02/10/2021 08:36

Sounds like he’s totally inexperienced with children and surprised and annoyed that they eat into his time with you. But children do take up our time, it’s all encompassing when they’re young and that’s just the reality. It’s clearly not what he wants and equally this won’t be a good environment for your kids so best to end it.

TumtumTree · 02/10/2021 08:44

Your DC sound fab OP! Your (hopefully ex) partner sounds like a nasty controlling piece of work. He has no right to call you a 'fucking prick' and you have definitely done the right thing in sending that message.

Has he replied?

MaeD · 02/10/2021 08:48

I think it’s great you’ve protected your kids and I agree in so many situations the kids come first. I also think it’s brilliant that you have mentioned yourself and loving yourself as well as the kids when making this decision. It’s easy to forget about our own happiness sometimes but as you have rightly pointed out this is not just about him treating the kids badly but also you by constantly stressing you out, questioning and criticising your parenting and trying to put doubts about you as a mother in your mind. As bad as his attitude to the kids is, his attitude to you is equally as bad and filled with contempt.

So i’d encourage you to keep that in mind, and keep prioritising you as well as your kids - particularly if he tries to keep something going where you just see him when the children are not about. It’s hard enough to be a single parent, without someone who claims to love you undermining your efforts and confidence. Flowers

Bin85 · 02/10/2021 08:48

His language is vile for that alone get rid.

ChocolateCoveredRaisins · 02/10/2021 08:54

Get rid.
He will be even worse once he has his feet under the table and he will make your children's lives a misery. They'll move out at the earliest opportunity.

I'd finish with him. No man is worth the happiness of your children.

Seriously, why do some people do this to their children? I had a step parent and it was pure misery.

ChocolateCoveredRaisins · 02/10/2021 08:55

Seen your update. Well done OP.

WimpoleHat · 02/10/2021 08:56

A friend of mine has kids. I think they speak to her with little respect and that she ought to pull them up on it. She thinks it’s all perfectly normal. But it’s her point of view that matters; she’s entitled to live her life and run her family as she wishes. I’d struggle to move in and be a part of that family - but that’s fine. I’m not and I won’t be doing so.

There aren’t rights and wrongs here. There really can be different strokes for different folks; one person’s “fun” is another’s “too loud”. My “polite” may be someone else’s “stuffy”. But if you’re happy and your kids are happy, then I do think you’ve done this right thing to end this relationship at this point. It sounds like you’re a happy family, but not a family he’s going to be happy with….