Page 8 | To think this is relatively normal behaviour for children?

chaosrabbitland · 02/10/2021 07:44

@user124765

Name changed for this, and also posting here for traffic.

I have three children from my marriage that ended a few years back. They are aged 10, 8 and 5. No learning issues with the kids or anything else to note, they are (to my mind) all NT.

The issue is that DP (who is hoping to live with us very soon) seems to take constant issue with their behaviour. This evening the children were upstairs getting ready for bed and I'd asked my 8 year old to have a quick shower before he brushed his teeth etc. We've just moved in to this house in the last few days so everything is quite new and different for the kids. I turned the shower on and checked it was the correct temperature for him before I left the bathroom instructing him to wash his body and not worry about his hair for tonight.
I get downstairs and sit on the sofa next to DP and almost immediately DS shouts 'Mummy!' from upstairs. I get up and head up to see what he needs, but he can't hear my reply to hang on... I'm coming, because of the noise of the shower so continues yelling 'Mummy!' and getting increasingly louder.
Once I've sorted DS out, which takes about 3 minutes, I head back downstairs and take my place back on the sofa. Immediately DP starts having a go at me about 'letting him talk to you like shit'. His tone is quite aggressive actually and I just feel like a bit of support from him rather than a bollocking for lacking as a parent wouldn't go amiss at this stage.

It's almost constant now, whenever we're together as a 'family'. DP's need to micromanage my children and his insistence that they behave badly. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks all the time, waiting for something to kick off and I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate the drama.
The kids are fine! They are children and full of joy and they do get excited from time to time. They sometimes push boundaries and behave badly...but isn't that normal? I feel like he's trying to turn my kids in to what he believes children should behave like, when as someone who's never had children himself he just doesn't know how kids really are!

Tonight I just lost my shit a bit and told him that I refuse to live my life walking on egg shells and I'm not going to change my parenting to suit him. I choose my children, every time. He said something like 'do you want me to fuck off then?' to which I replied that yes, him going home would probably be for the best right now. He was visibly upset and stormed out slamming the door behind him. He called me a 'fucking prick' under his breath too, which shocked me. That in itself is unforgivable to me I think. I felt sad when he'd gone but also incredibly relieved.

But now what? Do I end this? If I don't then I guess I have to keep him separate from my family, I can't risk him screwing my kids up with his controlling behaviour. Or is it me? 🤷‍♀️ Is he right that my children need pulling up on this behaviour. I just think it's normal...but who knows? Giggling in restaurants, being daft at bedtime when they've been told to settle down, shouting Mummy! over and over until you drop everything and go running. Isn't this all normal?

what i think is that your kids do sound normal and more to the point is that you as their mum think they are normal , its only your partner that has a constant problem with them fair enough he hasnt got his own , he doesnt know what kids are like , but now hes around yours a lot hes getting an idea and sadly its not what he imagined obviously , its showing you hes going to be a nightmare step parent , constantly undermining you as too soft with them , not strict enough and all that baloney ,

his idea of parenting and yours are already showing as very different and if hes like this with kids that arent his can you imagine how it would be if you had one together ? . most unpleasant id say

as to what to do and ending it , well hes shown you who he is now , intolerent of your childrent , interfering , controlling , and gets aggresive now hes closer to getting his feet under your table , and when you do stand up to him and make it clear where your boundry lines are drawn he calls you a fucking prick , !!
you felt relieved when hed gone , thats a telling feeling in itself really

only you can decide , but its going to be a bit difficult having a relationship only him not round your house or near your kids when he wants to move in as isnt there a good chance hes going to get resentful about that . he wants level pegging with your kids and hes already got the arse when you told him thats not the way it is , so hes not going to like not being able to move in

HugeAckmansWife · 02/10/2021 07:44

Well done op. I'm assuming the new house wasn't a joint purchase or tenancy.. Very sensible. FWIW I have a partner who I don't really 'mix' with my tween kids very much. He has an just about adult son so knows kids but is quite strict and neither of us want to 'blend'. For 5 years now we've happily maintained a relationship, even through Covid see in each other apart from the kids mostly. It works for us, I like my independence and the fact that when the kids are away or in bed I get to be me, not mum. If he's still on the scene in a decade when my kids are grown we might live together then. I'm not saying doing that with this guy (the fucking prick comment is enough to end it alone) but a future relationship is perfectly possible.. It dies have to include moving in.

diamondpony80 · 02/10/2021 07:45

It's not normal for a guy to have you in tears multiple times even before you move in together. And it would ruin your children's lives to move in a guy who clearly doesn't like children and doesn't want to be father. I'm glad you've done the right thing - your kids are at still at the age where they need alot of attention. Just don't relent if he tries to say he'll do better. He won't because he can't. He would've just become increasingly angry and resentful of the children.

HugeAckmansWife · 02/10/2021 07:46

Doesn't have to!!

bubbleKey · 02/10/2021 07:49

Op, well done for putting yourself and your dc first. I've read so many threads on here where the poster can't decide between their children or new boyfriend, I wish they could all see sense like you have.

From the info you have given us, he didn't seem like he was very respectful towards you anyway.

bubbleKey · 02/10/2021 07:50

And yes it's completely normal behavior for children

Etsylicious · 02/10/2021 07:51

When you’re tempted to give him another chance, just think - it can’t go anywhere because he doesn’t like your kids. They can’t choose who you bring into their lives so you have to do that wisely. They deserve to be themselves and feel free of oppression from an intolerant nob like him.
Take care OP.

IsAnybodyListening · 02/10/2021 07:51

You've done the right thing OP. My DM was in a relationship many moons ago with a man who sounds like your DP. It ended after a few years, but even now at 39yrs old I still remember how that man made me feel like shit, and the tension in the house. Children do not need that kind of damaging mental behaviour from an outsider.

Etsylicious · 02/10/2021 07:52

Ps my little lad shouts my name over and over all day everyday 😬

If anyone appeared to dislike him they’d be cut out straightaway. He comes first, always.

LizzieSiddal · 02/10/2021 07:53

You are a fantastic mum and your DC sound happy, funny and completely normal. You’ve done exactly the right thing for all of you! X

NightVinca · 02/10/2021 08:00

You've done the right thing ending it. Don't go back on it and move him in. Your kids are clearly nice kids. The proof is what the school and other people say about them. Don't ruin their lives by moving someone in who clearly doesn't like them

MiddleClassProblem · 02/10/2021 08:04

Well done. Keep this thread close by as he might try to win you over and you may forget the bad stuff. There’s no way he could cover up his natural behaviour forever if you got back together. It’s not worth your own happiness to risk it, and definitely not the children’s.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 02/10/2021 08:06

Every time we're together as a family I'm walking on egg shells..... That's all you needed to post. In a way, it doesn't matter what your children behave like, you can't live life feeling like that. Best of luck and well done for calling it now.

Peanutsandchilli · 02/10/2021 08:08

Don't choose a man over your kids.

Atalune · 02/10/2021 08:08

I think you’ve done the right thing. You’re much better off without this guy spreading his negativity.

Be careful now as I think he might be the type to turn nasty.

Frenchfancy · 02/10/2021 08:09

Thank you for saving your DC from years of a controlling step father. Congratulations on loving yourself and your children enough to be brave. Have a wonderful weekend with your DC.

Bagelsandbrie · 02/10/2021 08:11

I’m so pleased to read you’ve done the right thing.

Kiduknot · 02/10/2021 08:11

I’m glad that you are putting your children first.

AlexaShutUp · 02/10/2021 08:11

Well done OP. You've done the right thing. You and your dc deserve better. You will all be fine without him.

Iloveacurry · 02/10/2021 08:13

You’ve done the right thing.

Bonnieonthelam · 02/10/2021 08:14

@user124765

Name changed for this, and also posting here for traffic.

I have three children from my marriage that ended a few years back. They are aged 10, 8 and 5. No learning issues with the kids or anything else to note, they are (to my mind) all NT.

The issue is that DP (who is hoping to live with us very soon) seems to take constant issue with their behaviour. This evening the children were upstairs getting ready for bed and I'd asked my 8 year old to have a quick shower before he brushed his teeth etc. We've just moved in to this house in the last few days so everything is quite new and different for the kids. I turned the shower on and checked it was the correct temperature for him before I left the bathroom instructing him to wash his body and not worry about his hair for tonight.
I get downstairs and sit on the sofa next to DP and almost immediately DS shouts 'Mummy!' from upstairs. I get up and head up to see what he needs, but he can't hear my reply to hang on... I'm coming, because of the noise of the shower so continues yelling 'Mummy!' and getting increasingly louder.
Once I've sorted DS out, which takes about 3 minutes, I head back downstairs and take my place back on the sofa. Immediately DP starts having a go at me about 'letting him talk to you like shit'. His tone is quite aggressive actually and I just feel like a bit of support from him rather than a bollocking for lacking as a parent wouldn't go amiss at this stage.

It's almost constant now, whenever we're together as a 'family'. DP's need to micromanage my children and his insistence that they behave badly. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks all the time, waiting for something to kick off and I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate the drama.
The kids are fine! They are children and full of joy and they do get excited from time to time. They sometimes push boundaries and behave badly...but isn't that normal? I feel like he's trying to turn my kids in to what he believes children should behave like, when as someone who's never had children himself he just doesn't know how kids really are!

Tonight I just lost my shit a bit and told him that I refuse to live my life walking on egg shells and I'm not going to change my parenting to suit him. I choose my children, every time. He said something like 'do you want me to fuck off then?' to which I replied that yes, him going home would probably be for the best right now. He was visibly upset and stormed out slamming the door behind him. He called me a 'fucking prick' under his breath too, which shocked me. That in itself is unforgivable to me I think. I felt sad when he'd gone but also incredibly relieved.

But now what? Do I end this? If I don't then I guess I have to keep him separate from my family, I can't risk him screwing my kids up with his controlling behaviour. Or is it me? 🤷‍♀️ Is he right that my children need pulling up on this behaviour. I just think it's normal...but who knows? Giggling in restaurants, being daft at bedtime when they've been told to settle down, shouting Mummy! over and over until you drop everything and go running. Isn't this all normal?

If you move in with, marry, carry on in a relationship with this man. Your kids will suffer. You will suffer. And if he is being a prick now imagine that bastard he will become.

LEAVE HIM. BREAK UP. DUMP HIS ARSE.

oh and your kids…. Perfectly normal ❤️

Bonnieonthelam · 02/10/2021 08:15

Well done. Just read the update x

CityMumma78 · 02/10/2021 08:17

You children come first every single time and they sound like lovely children too. It isn’t a competition between being a mum and a girlfriend in terms of attention, if this is his behaviour now imagine what he’d be like once moved in. Forget him and embrace being a mum and find someone that respects you and them

ohfook · 02/10/2021 08:18

Just call it a day now, you'll be fucking exhausted if he does move in.

shouldistop · 02/10/2021 08:18

I'm sorry your relationship is over op but you're doing the right thing, you know that. Well done for putting your kids first.