To think this is relatively normal behaviour for children?

[user124765]

Name changed for this, and also posting here for traffic.

I have three children from my marriage that ended a few years back. They are aged 10, 8 and 5. No learning issues with the kids or anything else to note, they are (to my mind) all NT.

The issue is that DP (who is hoping to live with us very soon) seems to take constant issue with their behaviour. This evening the children were upstairs getting ready for bed and I'd asked my 8 year old to have a quick shower before he brushed his teeth etc. We've just moved in to this house in the last few days so everything is quite new and different for the kids. I turned the shower on and checked it was the correct temperature for him before I left the bathroom instructing him to wash his body and not worry about his hair for tonight.
I get downstairs and sit on the sofa next to DP and almost immediately DS shouts 'Mummy!' from upstairs. I get up and head up to see what he needs, but he can't hear my reply to hang on... I'm coming, because of the noise of the shower so continues yelling 'Mummy!' and getting increasingly louder.
Once I've sorted DS out, which takes about 3 minutes, I head back downstairs and take my place back on the sofa. Immediately DP starts having a go at me about 'letting him talk to you like shit'. His tone is quite aggressive actually and I just feel like a bit of support from him rather than a bollocking for lacking as a parent wouldn't go amiss at this stage.

It's almost constant now, whenever we're together as a 'family'. DP's need to micromanage my children and his insistence that they behave badly. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks all the time, waiting for something to kick off and I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate the drama.
The kids are fine! They are children and full of joy and they do get excited from time to time. They sometimes push boundaries and behave badly...but isn't that normal? I feel like he's trying to turn my kids in to what he believes children should behave like, when as someone who's never had children himself he just doesn't know how kids really are!

Tonight I just lost my shit a bit and told him that I refuse to live my life walking on egg shells and I'm not going to change my parenting to suit him. I choose my children, every time. He said something like 'do you want me to fuck off then?' to which I replied that yes, him going home would probably be for the best right now. He was visibly upset and stormed out slamming the door behind him. He called me a 'fucking prick' under his breath too, which shocked me. That in itself is unforgivable to me I think. I felt sad when he'd gone but also incredibly relieved.

But now what? Do I end this? If I don't then I guess I have to keep him separate from my family, I can't risk him screwing my kids up with his controlling behaviour. Or is it me? 🤷‍♀️ Is he right that my children need pulling up on this behaviour. I just think it's normal...but who knows? Giggling in restaurants, being daft at bedtime when they've been told to settle down, shouting Mummy! over and over until you drop everything and go running. Isn't this all normal?

Sorry OP, didn't see your update. Brilliant. Xx

Your children sound delightful. Your DP does not. Yes, your children will be negatively affected by his controlling behaviour, and your family values do not align. Choose your children, not him.

Sounds normal. Even if it wasn't he shouldn't take it upon himself to discipline them without discussing and agreeing how to go about it with you first.

Jesus your not so 'd' p sounds like a fucking nightmare. No way could I be arsed with this constant micromanagement and criticism of the kids. Also they will pic up on it and it will massively effect their self confidence. You need to get rid.

Well done op. If he try's crawling back, tell him to do one from me.

Way back in the day, I used to date an old friend who also had never had children. He liked my children but was always hinting that they were spoiled and soft and they needed to toughen up. They were all under ten at the time. We saw each other at weekends for about i8 months before he started dropping by during the week when the children were home. We parted company quite soon after that. When you’re bringing up children you don’t need someone putting you down, you need someone at your side pulling together.
Well done OP, you’ll feel so relieved going forward now his foot is off your neck!

Follow your motherly instincts and dump him. He has shown you that he shouldn't move in with your happy family of normal sounding kids.

Good for you OP!!

Forget about the kids, his reaction to an argument was to call you a fucking prick. This relationship would only have got worse with time not better.

I really admire you asking him to leave, he was clearly incredulous that you asserted boundaries and followed through with your whatsapp

Even if it wasn’t normal (which it is), it’s YOUR normal and you don’t want it to change. So bringing someone in who wants it to change will just cause constant tension and unhappiness. It’s not worth it at all

Sorry I didn't read the updates. Right decision in my opinion. Kids come first always. Stay strong.

He sounds horrible, the fact that he swears and sounds verbally aggressive plus the comments about your DC show that he is NOT a decent person.

Get rid immediately... whatever sob story and guilt trip he tries to lay on you. Is it your home? He's probably just trying find to a single mum to provide him with a comfortable lifestyle, housekeeping and sex. Is that what you want in your life?

Well done OP.

Whereas this week it's had me in tears a few times
You can’t live like that. And if he had you in tears, imagine the long term effect in the kids. He isn’t suited to being around kids, and his controlling would definitely speed to you. Was starting to spread to you.

Sad, when you thought you had something good. But I hope the feeling of relief sees you through.

Have a great weekend with your kids!

You’re right to let him go. Neither you nor your children need this.

It’s difficult moving in with new partners when we have young children. I tried it once years ago when I only had my eldest and it ended up with him asking me to choose between him and my DD. I still can’t imagine why he thought he’d be the person I chose. I think it’s some evolutionary thing about raising someone else’s young tbh. It’s a pain but the children will soon be older and someone else will come along - perhaps someone with their own children.

These are special years with the children. Time to relax and enjoy

Kids are normal I have three the fact that you are sitting down at bedtime I even for a few mins is good in my opinion.

Partner calling you a "fucking prick" not normal.
Don't let your kids see you being treated like that .

Get rid

As an adult who had a step father like this from being 10 years old, run! The intolerance of your children and nastiness will increase as the years go on. I will never forget some of the comments or arguements we had (and I swear I wasnt a bad kid, just normal like yours sound!). He once kicked off because me and my mum were watching a movie and I was plaiting her hair. My mum only left him when I was in my late 20s and although me and her are close now it still makes me sad she put up with this behaviour for so long.
You deserve a partner who loves you and your children unconditionally. Don’t put up with this.

Good for you!! I hope you're ok!

Well done for ending it @user124765 I hope you are ok. But your kids definitely come first.

My dd is 8 and will relentlessly shout from the shower for help. It is perfectly normal behaviour.

My dp on the other hand will always put dd ahead of me. She was poorly last weekend, he put her to bed on our bed and went and slept in the single bed in the spare room because he knew she just needed her mummy.

He has never raised his voice, although he will curb her behaviour calmly if she overstep but it has taken 3 years of us being together for him to be able to do that.

He has never critiqued my parenting, he has asked advice, spent hours reading with dd, playing lego, lol dolls, voicing teddies to make her smile.

If you feel like you have to walk on egg shells then the relationship is abusive. You are doing the right thing, it will only escalate.

It is completely normal behaviour for kids. Your boyfriend is indeed a sour-faced, controlling and jealous twat. He means to demean you and your children until his way becomes THE way.
You have done well to recognise and accept this about him. Your next challenge is to weather his sincere-seeming pleading and promises to try, without caving in.
Bear in mind, he is the cuckoo in the nest, not them. Don’t give him the fattest worms.

This is the best decision, well done for putting your children first. It would only have escalated once he felt he had a claim to your home too. You've saved your kids a ton of money in therapy bills and probably your relationship with them as adults. I will always jump when the kids shout mummy, even when it's the end of the day and you just need peace. It what creates secure healthy attachments - mummy will always come.

Break ups are rough and it's okay to grieve it even though you know it's the right thing.

OP nothing really to add except I've been there & it absolutely is the right decision for you and dc's. Sending you love and happy mum & kids thoughts for the weekend xxxx [you've got this] so have I - and you've inspired me to get off my bum and go do some of that brilliant mummying us single mums are so good at xxx

Oh well done OP, just come across your thread and was about to say absolutely get rid of this man. Hope you're ok.

He sounds toxic. Listen to your instincts re him

Well done op. You can and will find someone better it woud have turned into a night mare it really would and you couldn't trust him to have them alone etc. As pp said you would have turned your dc safe home into a controlled night mare for them.
If only every single parent could put their dc first like you m

I never post but just had to reply. My mum went to live with her new partner when I was 9 - my brother and sister were slightly younger. It started off just how you've described but as he got more comfortable, he became more controlling and mean. We were treated really badly for years - eventually having to live under unreasonable rules such as eating off different cockery (the chipped plates) not being allowed to eat certain foods, moving off the sofa and onto the floor if he came into the room, and not having friends round (I never wanted them there anyway). These rules were imposed to stop us from being 'spoilt' - which he always told my mum we were.
Before he arrived we lived a very happy life but once he got control, it was miserable until each of us left home at 18. My mum ended up having a breakdown but she's still with him. My brother, sister and I have all suffered the consequences. She always sided with him for 'ease'. As a loving mum of my own children and survivor of this, I'd say walk away. Let your children live in a house where they're happy to shout 'mum' from the shower and giggle - they won't be able to live like that under his rule. I wish my mum had put us first.

You’ve done the right thing OP.
Have a happy life with your dear children. They sound very normal to me. And I hope you find someone better soon. 💐