To think this is relatively normal behaviour for children?

[user124765]

Name changed for this, and also posting here for traffic.

I have three children from my marriage that ended a few years back. They are aged 10, 8 and 5. No learning issues with the kids or anything else to note, they are (to my mind) all NT.

The issue is that DP (who is hoping to live with us very soon) seems to take constant issue with their behaviour. This evening the children were upstairs getting ready for bed and I'd asked my 8 year old to have a quick shower before he brushed his teeth etc. We've just moved in to this house in the last few days so everything is quite new and different for the kids. I turned the shower on and checked it was the correct temperature for him before I left the bathroom instructing him to wash his body and not worry about his hair for tonight.
I get downstairs and sit on the sofa next to DP and almost immediately DS shouts 'Mummy!' from upstairs. I get up and head up to see what he needs, but he can't hear my reply to hang on... I'm coming, because of the noise of the shower so continues yelling 'Mummy!' and getting increasingly louder.
Once I've sorted DS out, which takes about 3 minutes, I head back downstairs and take my place back on the sofa. Immediately DP starts having a go at me about 'letting him talk to you like shit'. His tone is quite aggressive actually and I just feel like a bit of support from him rather than a bollocking for lacking as a parent wouldn't go amiss at this stage.

It's almost constant now, whenever we're together as a 'family'. DP's need to micromanage my children and his insistence that they behave badly. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks all the time, waiting for something to kick off and I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate the drama.
The kids are fine! They are children and full of joy and they do get excited from time to time. They sometimes push boundaries and behave badly...but isn't that normal? I feel like he's trying to turn my kids in to what he believes children should behave like, when as someone who's never had children himself he just doesn't know how kids really are!

Tonight I just lost my shit a bit and told him that I refuse to live my life walking on egg shells and I'm not going to change my parenting to suit him. I choose my children, every time. He said something like 'do you want me to fuck off then?' to which I replied that yes, him going home would probably be for the best right now. He was visibly upset and stormed out slamming the door behind him. He called me a 'fucking prick' under his breath too, which shocked me. That in itself is unforgivable to me I think. I felt sad when he'd gone but also incredibly relieved.

But now what? Do I end this? If I don't then I guess I have to keep him separate from my family, I can't risk him screwing my kids up with his controlling behaviour. Or is it me? 🤷‍♀️ Is he right that my children need pulling up on this behaviour. I just think it's normal...but who knows? Giggling in restaurants, being daft at bedtime when they've been told to settle down, shouting Mummy! over and over until you drop everything and go running. Isn't this all normal?

If you are even asking this question (kids or boyfriend?) you already know the answer. Your gut is telling you what to do. Time to end this relationship and enjoy your kids being kids while they are still kids. Time flies, they will be on their own soon enough. Any partner who isn't pitching in and supporting your parenting and understanding them being kids is just not the right person for you right now. Even if they were little monsters, you need a partner that accepts that 100% without judging you or trying to change them. Focus on you, focus on your kids and let him go.

Just caught up with your posts - you are wrong on one thing - you are the best mum! You put your kids first, you spotted a red flag and saved them from a crap future with what clearly sounds like a narcassistic abuser (married one and they all seem to have read the same handbook! Mine also had a bully of a dad and an emotionally manipulative mum). You are raising 3 kids all good at school and well behaved, that's not easy as a single parent even when Co parenting. All of that makes you a good mum. He is using the kids as weapons to get to you. That is a seriously Dick move - no adult contacts a kid to talk about the relationship with their parent. Block on every format immediately. He will most likely have a massive tantrum but stand your ground and have zero contact. If he contacts the kids tell him zero contact and report to the police. Once you have told him no contact anything after that is harassment and if it continues you can get an order put on him (hopefully it won't get that far but better to be prepared - wish I had been!)

Your kids are totally normal, lovely kids. He sounds like an immature prick. Get rid.

Fuck that.
Put your children first.

Well done. You HAVE done the right thing OP. Something I wish my own mother had done 30 years ago. It still affects me now xx

There's only one "fucking prick" in this scenario and it's not you or your perfectly normal children. Dump him, seriously.

My daughter received a message today from him. 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to block him on her phone too. Just saying that he's sorry for the things he said yesterday to me when he was emotional and upset, he loves us all etc but he'll leave us alone.

TAKE SCREENSHOTS OF THAT TEXT.

Make sure he is blocked on your other DCs' phones.

Contacting a child and getting her mixed up in all of this is extremely worrying. He has no sense of boundaries whatsoever. It's manipulative in the extreme. I don't think he intends to go quietly.

You need to contact your DCs' school/s ASAP and tell them to remove him immediately from any contact lists he may be on. You need to tell them that your relationship is over, and you retract any permission he may have had to pick up the children or have any contact with them on school grounds, effective immediately. You can ask them to note any effort by him to contact/pick up the DCs and inform you immediately.

I do not think you are quite out of the woods. I think you may yet need to involve the police.

Sorry, but I would get rid.

@mathanxiety

My daughter received a message today from him. 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to block him on her phone too. Just saying that he's sorry for the things he said yesterday to me when he was emotional and upset, he loves us all etc but he'll leave us alone.

TAKE SCREENSHOTS OF THAT TEXT.

Make sure he is blocked on your other DCs' phones.

Contacting a child and getting her mixed up in all of this is extremely worrying. He has no sense of boundaries whatsoever. It's manipulative in the extreme. I don't think he intends to go quietly.

You need to contact your DCs' school/s ASAP and tell them to remove him immediately from any contact lists he may be on. You need to tell them that your relationship is over, and you retract any permission he may have had to pick up the children or have any contact with them on school grounds, effective immediately. You can ask them to note any effort by him to contact/pick up the DCs and inform you immediately.

I do not think you are quite out of the woods. I think you may yet need to involve the police.

Having just read all your updates I can't echo this loudly enough. Log everything, screenshot everything. Call the non emergency number so they have a log of things too.

Oops, didn't realise how advanced this thread was...

@Bombaloorina, Graphista's heartfelt post was most informative and useful, while yours was completely unnecessary and unhelpful.

You sound like a crazily strong lady, you’ve done the right thing for you and your kids despite how much it has hurt. You’ve got this mamma! Sending you a big virtual hug and hoping the partner you deserve is around the corner when you are good and ready xxx

Well done OP. I wish I'd had your strength and resolve. My ex contacted my oldest DD too after it had ended. It was horribly manipulative. I really hope that he'll leave you alone now.

You are a strong lady indeed, well done and ride the storm as it will be tough for the first few weeks. You will be proud of yourself and onwards & upwards to a happy life with your children. They sound fantastic and well-raised. Don't let him make you question that!

Nop nop nop NOP!! He has very clearly showed his true self!!

My ex( DD dad ) was like this with son for years. I left him after 10 years as he was like this with our daughter too. I went out with a guy for 4 years after being single for 5 after the split and HE was also like this towards my daughter! I dumped him too.... I think your DP is showing real red flags here and I from experience the behaviour just gets more and more critical and the children suffer. Good Luck x x

He sounds too controlling. Dump him. Trust your instincts. Life would probably be hell with him.

I've just had an email from him. He sounds desperately sad and apologetic about his behaviour.
Hit delete and ran myself a nice hot bath. It'll be a cold day in hell before I forgive him, however much I miss him.

Stay strong 💪

@user124765

I've just had an email from him. He sounds desperately sad and apologetic about his behaviour. Hit delete and ran myself a nice hot bath. It'll be a cold day in hell before I forgive him, however much I miss him.

Failing to respect your boundaries or that you have said not to contact you again is another sign that he's not a good choice for a partner. Stay strong and don't look back.

Well it's obvious to me that the OP is a wonderful Mum, she has put her children first and she should be proud of herself. I grew up with a step dad and they were the unhappiest days of my life. Though it was 50 years ago, it still affects me. You only have one childhood. Her children deserve to live in peace.

totally normal, your DP is being very unreasonable!!!!

I’ve not read the other comments, but I feel the need to beg you.

Please don’t change, you sound like a ‘good enough mum’. That’s what we should be. We may not be Brie Vandercamps and have beautifully clean houses, children who curtsy and fresh baked muffins each day. But we allow our children to have fun, to learn from their small mistakes and to know that no matter what, we are there for our children above allllll else.

I repeat. Please don’t change.

Ps. I’ve lived on eggshells, it was awful. I’m now single parenting and so much happier in my own home.

DON'T DELETE HIS EMAILS OR TEXTS

Can you get the deleted email back?

I fear you are going to have to get a non-molestation order, and you will need evidence that you have:

Told him to stop contacting you,
Told him to stop contacting the children,

And evidence that he has disregarded your express wishes.

As soon as you get out of the bath tell him:
he is not to contact you or the children ever again, or come to your home, and that you are now blocking him from contacting you, and blocking him on SM.

Tell him that any further attempts by him to contact you or your children will be considered harassment.

Don't sit there trying to bat him off piecemeal. It's time to get out the big guns.

He may keep coming for the next month or so. It’s still fresh and although it may feel like it’s going on for a long time, it’s short in comparison to a life time of pain with him. Don’t let him wear you down. He may make it seem like a one off mistake but that negativity and nasty words will come out again if you get back together, even if the subject matter is different. He also kept going via text so it wasn’t just the heat of the moment. He’s only sorry because you ended it.