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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is relatively normal behaviour for children?

805 replies

user124765 · 01/10/2021 23:27

Name changed for this, and also posting here for traffic.

I have three children from my marriage that ended a few years back. They are aged 10, 8 and 5. No learning issues with the kids or anything else to note, they are (to my mind) all NT.

The issue is that DP (who is hoping to live with us very soon) seems to take constant issue with their behaviour. This evening the children were upstairs getting ready for bed and I'd asked my 8 year old to have a quick shower before he brushed his teeth etc. We've just moved in to this house in the last few days so everything is quite new and different for the kids. I turned the shower on and checked it was the correct temperature for him before I left the bathroom instructing him to wash his body and not worry about his hair for tonight.
I get downstairs and sit on the sofa next to DP and almost immediately DS shouts 'Mummy!' from upstairs. I get up and head up to see what he needs, but he can't hear my reply to hang on... I'm coming, because of the noise of the shower so continues yelling 'Mummy!' and getting increasingly louder.
Once I've sorted DS out, which takes about 3 minutes, I head back downstairs and take my place back on the sofa. Immediately DP starts having a go at me about 'letting him talk to you like shit'. His tone is quite aggressive actually and I just feel like a bit of support from him rather than a bollocking for lacking as a parent wouldn't go amiss at this stage.

It's almost constant now, whenever we're together as a 'family'. DP's need to micromanage my children and his insistence that they behave badly. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks all the time, waiting for something to kick off and I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate the drama.
The kids are fine! They are children and full of joy and they do get excited from time to time. They sometimes push boundaries and behave badly...but isn't that normal? I feel like he's trying to turn my kids in to what he believes children should behave like, when as someone who's never had children himself he just doesn't know how kids really are!

Tonight I just lost my shit a bit and told him that I refuse to live my life walking on egg shells and I'm not going to change my parenting to suit him. I choose my children, every time. He said something like 'do you want me to fuck off then?' to which I replied that yes, him going home would probably be for the best right now. He was visibly upset and stormed out slamming the door behind him. He called me a 'fucking prick' under his breath too, which shocked me. That in itself is unforgivable to me I think. I felt sad when he'd gone but also incredibly relieved.

But now what? Do I end this? If I don't then I guess I have to keep him separate from my family, I can't risk him screwing my kids up with his controlling behaviour. Or is it me? 🤷‍♀️ Is he right that my children need pulling up on this behaviour. I just think it's normal...but who knows? Giggling in restaurants, being daft at bedtime when they've been told to settle down, shouting Mummy! over and over until you drop everything and go running. Isn't this all normal?

OP posts:
FrozenWillow · 03/10/2021 18:10

It's reasonable to feel that way. You have been treated awful. He has narc written all over him. You and your children are better off without him and I am so glad you've kicked him to the kerb. I ask that you please continue to be safe and if you ever feel threatened at any point because of this pleb, phone the police. Narcs can get even nastier than this, especially when they do not get their own way. Make friends with your neighbours, explain the situation and they will keep an eye out. A neighbourhood watch thing if you will, so you can rest easy. And don't you worry about breaking down in front of your child. Your child knows that even Mummy hurts sometimes and it is absolutely ok to be hurt. You're not a shit Mum. You're showing your kids that even adults have feelings. Hugs.

CallmeBadJanet · 03/10/2021 18:10

@user124765 He is not going to be good for you or your children.

LoisLane66 · 03/10/2021 18:12

I doubt he'll change and when/if he's living with you full time, it will be much harder to get him out if he's given up his home to be with you.
Would you trust him with your children if you went to visit a friend or your mum or would you feel you had to take them wherever you went.
I hate to be the voice of doom but do you want your children to hear him call you a f p or other unsavoury language if he was living with you?
Personally, I think he's nailed his colours to the mast.
Live apart, love apart but don't forget that children can keep a lot unsaid and inside which may come out when they're adults. Don't let anything happen to yours.

washingmachines4 · 03/10/2021 18:14

Hey,
Just wanted to say a massive well done. You could have kept him around knowing it wasn't the best thing for your kids - so tempting to try again or see how it goes and it would have been detrimental to your children. You put them first and that makes you a good Mum.
Decisive action is in the long term not only the kindest thing to your children and you which is the most important thing but also to him if that ever weighs on you later. You have done the right thing for everyone. Sadness will pass.
One of the problems you stated is that the relationship was 3 years in the making - look up the 'sunken cost fallacy', it makes us make silly decisions based on the previous investment of time/money. So easy to do and you haven't done it. You have done the right thing 100%. Breathe that sigh of relief, smile with your children, have the freedom to have them shout for you in your own house. Smile - It will be fine.

threatmatrix · 03/10/2021 18:19

I think you know the answer already. Your kids come first and it’s him that’s the prick.

Mummyinoz · 03/10/2021 18:19

Your instincts are correct, break up with DP. I say this as someone who had to live with a controlling step parent who made my life very difficult and ultimately affected the relationship I had (and still have) with my mum.

Your children sound lovely and normal. Your DP sounds like a control freak and it’ll only get worse as the children get older

calvados · 03/10/2021 18:19

Get out now… you do not need this…. He IS the horrible sulking child who stamps his foot when your attention is turned elsewhere!

Emz · 03/10/2021 18:20

It definitely isn't you and I think you've answered your own question when you say you feel sad but relieved he is gone. Please, please trust your instinct where your own lovely children are concerned. Good luck x

Howshouldibehave · 03/10/2021 18:20

Good for you for getting rid of him. Just out of interest, when you told your mum that he thought your kids were really naughty, what did she say?

You can be proud of yourself that you got the measure of him before he moved in. I didn’t really like this, The issue is that DP (who is hoping to live with us very soon) tbh.

Why was he ‘hoping’ to move in (rather than you saying YOU wanted him to) what is his own home situation like?

Carriecakes80 · 03/10/2021 18:23

I was a single Mum for 7 years until I met my husband, and I told him from day one, that he can be a part of our lives and join the fun, but the second he criticized me or my way of parenting, he was gone!
Luckily, he liked the dappy way I parent my beautiful lot and he was accepted in very quickly, now he sticks up more for them than he does me lol! :-)

Fwaltz · 03/10/2021 18:24

Please, do not let him come in and start making you and your children feel awful for just being a normal family. He sounds aggressive and unpleasant.

Ari202 · 03/10/2021 18:24

It’s normal.
He’s a prick.
You deserve better.

Garofbalaxy · 03/10/2021 18:25

I've been here. I held on for an extra 6 months, hoping we could make it work. It was the worst decision I ever made. By the time I finally walked away I was in pieces. He started small, making comments about my kids behaviour, like he was on my side and was looking out for me. Then he started making comments about my behaviour, then how I dressed, then my friends behaviour. If you have a gut feeling now, go with it, I wish I had.

jillb55 · 03/10/2021 18:25

The warning signs here are pretty obvious for all to see. He sounds very unpleasant and it will get worse if he moves in. Please don't subject your children to this man.

Squeak12 · 03/10/2021 18:25

@Megan2018

Your kids sound lovely, ditch the awful man. Your kids do not need that sort of toxicity in their lives, it won’t end well.
Hear hear.
E17Stowmum · 03/10/2021 18:28

The expressions you use, tenterhooks and walking on eggshells, are typically noticed by domestic violence experts as warning signs.

ButtonandPickle19 · 03/10/2021 18:29

I think maybe you should have had a conversation? Like what your standard his, what his standard is and where you can both compromise. Like maybe he chills on them calling you at home but you make more effort to improve their manners?

wellstopdoingitthen · 03/10/2021 18:30

You have done the right thing. I haven't read all the pp but I have read yours.
You felt in your gut that he wasn't right for your family. He sounds rather manipulative (as demonstrated by messaging your daughter).
You have done a really brave thing by stopping this before he moved in.
You may look back fondly on nice times you had together but that's fine. Leave them in the past. You and your children deserve better.

Be kind to yourself. Write down everything that happened leading up to this & use it to remind yourself why you have ended it , just in case of any moments of regret.

You're a brilliant mother.
Your children sound awesome! Smile

LoisLane66 · 03/10/2021 18:31

@ButtonandPickle19
I think you are totally wrong.
He's been doing it for years.
Not trustworthy.

cherish123 · 03/10/2021 18:32

Your children are absolutely normal. If he thinks they are badly behaved, he's in for a shock because a lot of children actually ARE badly behaved.

You've got 3 options-
1- explain to him this is normal child behaviour and he has to get used to it and stop complaining
2- dump him
3- meet him once a week without the children

I definitely wouldn't let him move in. He isn't ready for this and it's certainly not what your family needs.

IvyM · 03/10/2021 18:32

I think if he moved in with you and felt in control he's start showing his emotionally abusive side. I'd stir clear

fuzzywuzzywombat · 03/10/2021 18:33

Serious red flag . Ditch him. I went through this with a man who didn't understand children, he was Victorian in his viewpoint. Endless rows and I lost total respect for him

whittingtonmum · 03/10/2021 18:34

This is clearly not working on out and you need to choose your kids. They will thank you for it - and you will thank yourself for it too - eventually.

wellstopdoingitthen · 03/10/2021 18:34

@ButtonandPickle19

I think maybe you should have had a conversation? Like what your standard his, what his standard is and where you can both compromise. Like maybe he chills on them calling you at home but you make more effort to improve their manners?
No way! No one else has a problem with the children's manners. They sound lovely, bringing her a coffee in bed, comforting her when she's upset. I'd much more forgive noisy or boisterous (ie normal) behaviour for such lovely kind & loving behaviour.
LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 03/10/2021 18:35

You sound like a lovely mum, op, and your kids sound great.

I am so glad that you’ve prioritised them over him. A million congratulations to you.

I hope that, in time and when you are ready, and IF you want it — you’ll meet someone who is actually kind and lovely, not just willing to perform kindness as long as things broadly go his way.