To think this is relatively normal behaviour for children?

[user124765]

Name changed for this, and also posting here for traffic.

I have three children from my marriage that ended a few years back. They are aged 10, 8 and 5. No learning issues with the kids or anything else to note, they are (to my mind) all NT.

The issue is that DP (who is hoping to live with us very soon) seems to take constant issue with their behaviour. This evening the children were upstairs getting ready for bed and I'd asked my 8 year old to have a quick shower before he brushed his teeth etc. We've just moved in to this house in the last few days so everything is quite new and different for the kids. I turned the shower on and checked it was the correct temperature for him before I left the bathroom instructing him to wash his body and not worry about his hair for tonight.
I get downstairs and sit on the sofa next to DP and almost immediately DS shouts 'Mummy!' from upstairs. I get up and head up to see what he needs, but he can't hear my reply to hang on... I'm coming, because of the noise of the shower so continues yelling 'Mummy!' and getting increasingly louder.
Once I've sorted DS out, which takes about 3 minutes, I head back downstairs and take my place back on the sofa. Immediately DP starts having a go at me about 'letting him talk to you like shit'. His tone is quite aggressive actually and I just feel like a bit of support from him rather than a bollocking for lacking as a parent wouldn't go amiss at this stage.

It's almost constant now, whenever we're together as a 'family'. DP's need to micromanage my children and his insistence that they behave badly. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks all the time, waiting for something to kick off and I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate the drama.
The kids are fine! They are children and full of joy and they do get excited from time to time. They sometimes push boundaries and behave badly...but isn't that normal? I feel like he's trying to turn my kids in to what he believes children should behave like, when as someone who's never had children himself he just doesn't know how kids really are!

Tonight I just lost my shit a bit and told him that I refuse to live my life walking on egg shells and I'm not going to change my parenting to suit him. I choose my children, every time. He said something like 'do you want me to fuck off then?' to which I replied that yes, him going home would probably be for the best right now. He was visibly upset and stormed out slamming the door behind him. He called me a 'fucking prick' under his breath too, which shocked me. That in itself is unforgivable to me I think. I felt sad when he'd gone but also incredibly relieved.

But now what? Do I end this? If I don't then I guess I have to keep him separate from my family, I can't risk him screwing my kids up with his controlling behaviour. Or is it me? 🤷‍♀️ Is he right that my children need pulling up on this behaviour. I just think it's normal...but who knows? Giggling in restaurants, being daft at bedtime when they've been told to settle down, shouting Mummy! over and over until you drop everything and go running. Isn't this all normal?

I'm so sorry that he sent you those messages, that's really horrible for you to read BUT in a way, they are a good thing. They are reassuring you that he really is a horrible piece of shit who didn't deserve you. Just stop and think about what kind of person you would have to be to send someone messages like that. Someone you apparently love...

You've done the right thing. Chin up!

You have done the right thing op. He's an abusive shitty piece of work. He's criticising your parenting because he knows how much it will hurt you. Please block him on everything and have nothing more to do with him. Look after yourself and your lovely DC

It's so stupid, I can't believe I let it get to this. I was completely blindsided by him and didn't see this coming at all. Three years in the making, this 'relationship'. He's only been around my children for the last year, and even then I tried to keep him at arms length. I just didn't see this side to him, not ever.

It was sad this afternoon. It was raining heavily here. When the kids and I left to go to the supermarket there was a little mouse on the driveway. My son pointed it out. At first we thought it was dead but it was upright and clearly sick and dying. We could just about make out it's breathing. The kids asked if we could save it and I told them that no, it was too late for the mouse. We usually do try and save wildlife if there's hope. We rearing a young crow earlier this year who'd been attacked by a cat. Anyway, we left the mouse and went shopping. It was still there when we returned. Still alive, barely breathing.

After he came this afternoon and his horrible outburst at me, I stood on the landing and watched him leaving. Tears rolling down my cheeks and the rain beating hard on the glass. He picked that little mouse up off the path and carefully put it inside my wood shed. How can someone be so loving and so cruel at the same time? Why are my children and I not enough? Why does the mouse deserve more than us? I'm so sad.

Do not take any notice of his shitty messages. You are a brilliant mum, you've put your children first !
This is typical male behaviour, lashing out in anger. You are well rid.

Perhaps he was showing a caring side, to manipulate you. Stay strong. You'll get over this

How can someone be so loving and so cruel at the same time?

Often because they want to make you feel like you must be the problem...

Why are my children and I not enough?

Which is exactly what he's achieved here.

Don't try to work out why he operates the way he does, it's pointless and will drive you mad.

Don't go over statements like 'why weren't my kids enough', replace them with 'my kids weren't enough for him so thank god he won't be around to damage their self esteem and limit their behaviour'.

Turn 'why wasn't I enough' into 'he wasn't the right person for me so thank god he didn't move in.'

You've dodged an absolute bullet here OP. Thank god

@notanothertakeaway

Perhaps he was showing a caring side, to manipulate you. Stay strong. You'll get over this

I've had wine. I know I will never let him back in to my life again, but it doesn't stop me feeling sentimental or heartbroken for what could have been. He's always so kind and caring to wildlife. He's often absolutely flipping lovely. He's taught my son to fish (didn't know how himself, just learned because my son expressed an interest) , drives my daughter cross country to visit friends at his massive inconvenience, gets really involved in school science projects and constructs crazily brilliant models with my daughter. He's awesome! Outwardly. And such a bullying cunt inside. I'm so gutted. So long, just wasted. I loved him so much. And then I saw the real him.

Ugh, I'm sorry. I'm losing my resolve because of the wine I think. I KNOW I did the right thing by my children today, and that's all that matters. He was wonderful in fleeting moments, and a terribly bully the rest of the time. We're so much better off without him.

@user124765

I'm so upset that I can't catch my breath for crying. This evening he has sent me the most horrible message telling me what a shitty mum I am. I've blocked him on everything now...no idea why I didn't do that to begin with. I'm just absolutely livid that he's said these things to me. I can't stop crying. I know I'm not the best mum but I'm not the worst! His message made me feel like shit.

If he really thought you were so awful, he would have ended it with you, himself. He's pure arse boil (arseholes are useful) and I'm glad you have blocked him now.

He was wonderful in fleeting moments, and a terribly bully the rest of the time. We're so much better off without him.

Hold onto this. He wasn't good enough for you or the kids.

And yeah funny how you're suddenly a terrible person now you don't want him.

He's a petulant little manchild. Focus on the kids and doing something fun tomorrow so you can really be reminded of the joy and silliness and fun they bring into your life, qualities he is so horrible he wanted to quash and quieten. Bleurgh.

This was the start of him becoming abusive op and you did exactly the right thing and ended it. He's lashings out because he's an abusive prick and wants to hurt you as much as possible

Stay strong!!!

The good side was deployed to get a foot in your door.
Now you've seen what he was saving up for the time he felt secure.

How can someone be so loving and so cruel at the same time? Why are my children and I not enough? Why does the mouse deserve more than us? I'm so sad.
Because he can never cause the mouse the sort of pain he can inflict on you. All he can do is kill it, and that would take a few minutes. A woman and her children otoh would give him years and years of cruel amusement.

I had this with my ex. I can list all the wonderful things he did when we were together, taught my boys to ride a bike, helped me through a traumatic birth with our son, carried me to the toilet when I had flu..However they are meaningless when you compare them with all the awful things he did. He held my 12 year old autistic son against the gate by his throat, hit my eldest because he was cleaning his teeth when he was meant to be in bed...
Four and a half years on and quite a bit of therapy later I'll tell you what helped me. The nice guy wasn't real, he was a fantasy. The real guy is the one who swore at you, belittled you and upset you. The nice guy was a mask, a disguise. If you'd have stayed with him you'd have seen the nice guy less and less. You'd have blamed yourself and your kids for this and would be bending over backwards to get the nice guy back. I describe my relationship like a tug of war and by the end I was hanging on to the frayed edges while he had all the rope. Don't dwell on the good bits, think about all the bad and I guarantee it will help give you the strength to get over this. If I'd have been on Mumsnet back then and had received the fantastic advice and support you have maybe I'd have ended it sooner. You've absolutely done the right thing, be kind to yourself though. You are allowed to grieve for the relationship you though you had. You will come out of this stronger and wiser.

I choose my children, every time
this. I agree with you absolutely. Your kids sound normal and it would tick me off too if someone would try to get involved. He doesn’t come across well tbh. And your DP’s swearing is totally out of order.

If you are such a terrible parent then showing you a better way or getting help would have been the way to go.
It's the classic divorce tactic. Mother was fine doing all the parenting until the split at which point the father decides she's too mentally unstable to be allowed to have them. In his case, he's setting the scene for his righteousness.

@user124765

I'm so upset that I can't catch my breath for crying. This evening he has sent me the most horrible message telling me what a shitty mum I am. I've blocked him on everything now...no idea why I didn't do that to begin with. I'm just absolutely livid that he's said these things to me. I can't stop crying. I know I'm not the best mum but I'm not the worst! His message made me feel like shit.

This is why you can't back down. I get the hurt, and I get the sentimentality - but he has hit you where he KNOWS he will do the most damage to you - over your parenting skills.

He has done this deliberately. Gaslighting you about your ability to parent is the first step towards systematic abuse. He is LYING to you. Your kids are YOUR kids and you are the best parent for them.

Someone who wants to hurt you this much is not a decent person, at least not for you. Why would anyone profess to love someone and then kick them hard in their most vulnerable place? It's not love, it's control. And he's kind to animals purely because they're lesser than him - not because he's a lovely person. It's performative.

You will be able to let this go once the loss of the relationship you thought you had starts to lessen - you will remember the bad bits.

Hold strong - you've done the right thing for your kids.

You've proved that you're a really good mum by putting your kids first and he has proved he just wasn't good enough for you all.

He sounds horrible tbh. I think you just saved yourself a world of pain OP.

@user124765

I'm so upset that I can't catch my breath for crying. This evening he has sent me the most horrible message telling me what a shitty mum I am. I've blocked him on everything now...no idea why I didn't do that to begin with. I'm just absolutely livid that he's said these things to me. I can't stop crying. I know I'm not the best mum but I'm not the worst! His message made me feel like shit.

I think he’s talking to his mum here; it’s a reflection on his childhood and he’s still angry about it somewhere deep inside. Don’t let his hurt burn you, you’ve been strong and done the right thing 💐

@user124765 please read @Alicenwonderland’s post over and over

Your comment He was wonderful in fleeting moments, and a terribly bully the rest of the time. We're so much better off without him is key in this

Abusers take on average 2 years to begin to show themselves, the fact that you’ve kept the kids out of it for a good while is the reason for the delay in his abusing ways to manifest, but he’s found your Achilles heel, he’s found what will work to gain control

The real him is the bully, everything else is smoke and mirrors designed to hook and trap you.

You have been the best mother possible today, you’ve saved them an awful lot of damage, you’ve learned a lot too and will recover

Well done you.

OMG! So he was still attacking your parenting because he thought your kids should behave differently.

Yes, an unkind vicious bully who thinks you and your kids should change, not him.

He’s having a bully tantrum And taking it out on you because you didn’t succumb.

Your kids will probably miss the good times too. But they told you loud and clear that they couldn’t be themselves.

One day at a time, OP.

Thank goodness you got rid when you did OP as there is no doubt things would have only got worse had he moved in. You prioritised your children, you are a good mum and you will be just fine without him

OP.., all abusers are charming, that’s how they get away with it. Some are kind to animals, some are kind to other people, which makes their victims doubt themselves and even get other people on their side.

Try not to over rationalise this, the more you think about it the more it will hurt, you were right at ending it but the fact you are right won’t make the pain disappear sooner. Give yourself time. If it helps, look into your parenting and see if there is something you could be doing better, not because you are doing things wrong but because taking action on anything will make you feel more in control.

Eventually you will feel better, look back to it and will be thankful you realised in time.

Thing is…no one is all good or all bad. Even sour-faced, controlling wankers have their good bits…otherwise women wouldn’t bother with them at all.
I’d be touched to see him carefully depositing the mouse in the shed too. I get that. Your heart keens for that man with those values. Unfortunately he has shown that he does not afford those same values to your children. Putting a mouse in the shed is easy.

@user124765

Ugh, I'm sorry. I'm losing my resolve because of the wine I think. I KNOW I did the right thing by my children today, and that's all that matters. He was wonderful in fleeting moments, and a terribly bully the rest of the time. We're so much better off without him.

Firstly, Hitler was really caring about animals, did a lot to change welfare laws etc. This does not eradicate any of the horrors he inflicted. I’ve worked a lot on shows about murderers and rapists, they pretty much all have kind sides of some sort. Saying “how can someone be so loving etc”, I’m just saying that that is normal, don’t question getting rid. I’m not saying he’s a serial killer or rapist though just that the worst of humanity is like this too.

The things he has said to you about your parenting would have come out in you were living together. This side of him would have become bigger. It’s easier to just be the nice side when you’re only around for certain times.

You’re not a bad parent for releasing with your daughter. It’s ok for them to see you vulnerable and to understand what’s going on. As long as you aren’t someone doing this every day, it’s ok. You can get through this together.

The way he has made you feel with his words yesterday would have been a repeated incident if you lived with him and you would be feeling like this regularly. But you’ve made it a one time thing. You are strong for doing that. The pain will ease. You deserve better.