To think this is relatively normal behaviour for children?

[user124765]

Name changed for this, and also posting here for traffic.

I have three children from my marriage that ended a few years back. They are aged 10, 8 and 5. No learning issues with the kids or anything else to note, they are (to my mind) all NT.

The issue is that DP (who is hoping to live with us very soon) seems to take constant issue with their behaviour. This evening the children were upstairs getting ready for bed and I'd asked my 8 year old to have a quick shower before he brushed his teeth etc. We've just moved in to this house in the last few days so everything is quite new and different for the kids. I turned the shower on and checked it was the correct temperature for him before I left the bathroom instructing him to wash his body and not worry about his hair for tonight.
I get downstairs and sit on the sofa next to DP and almost immediately DS shouts 'Mummy!' from upstairs. I get up and head up to see what he needs, but he can't hear my reply to hang on... I'm coming, because of the noise of the shower so continues yelling 'Mummy!' and getting increasingly louder.
Once I've sorted DS out, which takes about 3 minutes, I head back downstairs and take my place back on the sofa. Immediately DP starts having a go at me about 'letting him talk to you like shit'. His tone is quite aggressive actually and I just feel like a bit of support from him rather than a bollocking for lacking as a parent wouldn't go amiss at this stage.

It's almost constant now, whenever we're together as a 'family'. DP's need to micromanage my children and his insistence that they behave badly. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks all the time, waiting for something to kick off and I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate the drama.
The kids are fine! They are children and full of joy and they do get excited from time to time. They sometimes push boundaries and behave badly...but isn't that normal? I feel like he's trying to turn my kids in to what he believes children should behave like, when as someone who's never had children himself he just doesn't know how kids really are!

Tonight I just lost my shit a bit and told him that I refuse to live my life walking on egg shells and I'm not going to change my parenting to suit him. I choose my children, every time. He said something like 'do you want me to fuck off then?' to which I replied that yes, him going home would probably be for the best right now. He was visibly upset and stormed out slamming the door behind him. He called me a 'fucking prick' under his breath too, which shocked me. That in itself is unforgivable to me I think. I felt sad when he'd gone but also incredibly relieved.

But now what? Do I end this? If I don't then I guess I have to keep him separate from my family, I can't risk him screwing my kids up with his controlling behaviour. Or is it me? 🤷‍♀️ Is he right that my children need pulling up on this behaviour. I just think it's normal...but who knows? Giggling in restaurants, being daft at bedtime when they've been told to settle down, shouting Mummy! over and over until you drop everything and go running. Isn't this all normal?

You've done the right thing OP, for your children and yourself. I grew up from the age age of 13 to when I left home for uni with a SF who criticised everything I did and it's certainly buggered me up.

Your children sound lovely but he sounds a very nasty piece of work.

Be very glad you never moved him in.

Protect your children at all cost.

They only have one childhood which a waster like him can destroy.

Your kids sound great.
I'm glad you ditch him--staying together would have made life stressful and that feeling of walking on eggshells would have worsened for all of you.
You may be tempted to get back with him (at least without the children present)-stay strong.

I gave a good friend with a DP like this. Unfortunately she can’t/won’t put her children first so they spend all their time desperately trying not to annoy him. We’ve actually fallen out as he called her middle son some awful names (child is overweight) and she totally minimised it and I realised she genuinely cared more about this prick than the well-being of her children.

Just seen your update 🙌🙌 well done OP! You've done the right thing, you deserve a relationship where you feel safe and respected

I think you are right to end it. He handled his emotions poorly.

Just for a counter opinion, I also came into a situation with children of a similar age and am childfree (choice). It really is hard getting used to how demanding children are, despite knowing it’s absolutely normal. I found it quite difficult when we started spending proper time as a ‘family’.

Even though you know you shouldn’t, as a non-parent (or at least someone with little contact with children) you do initially put adult behaviour standards on them, and it is a learning curve. At first I was appalled by how my DH’s kids spoke to him and how they demanded food/treats/affection from him no matter what he was doing. I used to want to almost “defend” him (feels stupid writing this now but I’m just trying to be honest so pleeeeeease don’t flame me on a Sat morning)!

Now we have been living together for over 2 years (he has 50-50 custody) and it’s completely different. I’m basically a zen master (!) of calm (sure) after learning to just remove myself if I’m getting frustrated, though I very rarely feel frustrated anymore. My DH is amazing and we have an unwritten rule that if the kids are super hyper and I’m feeling a bit “aaargh” I just go up to our bedroom and listen to a podcast/do a face mask basically take time out as I need it. But those moments have become less frequent over the months, as I’ve grown to love and understand my DSC.

Not saying any of this to change your mind, just so that moving forward if you do date someone else who has no children that the change of no kids to 3 kids is not easy no matter how amazing you want to be with your partners kids. I thought it would be all games and baking and delightful family dinners. I was so naive! 🤣 But I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Long. Sorry. Hope that made sense. Your kids sound brilliant. X

You will all be miserable if you marry this prick get rid.

You sound like a lovely step mum @BodyTypeLumpyDragon

It’s immaterial whether your children behave badly or not (for what it’s worth they sound completely normal to me). Your ‘d’p should respect your parenting because you are their mum and he is not their dad. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave - he has that choice to find someone without kids or with a parenting style that suits his ideas of what discipline should be.

Bottom line is you’re not compatible and you (and your children) deserve someone who is.

When you next speak to him OP, he'll likely claim that he's "only thinking of you and your kids" and wanting to make sure they don't grow up "spoilt" or something like that. But the point is that he's making things a lot worse for you and them, not better. No one needs that in a relationship.

@user124765

Morning all. In the end I slept ok and woke up to my eldest bringing me a cup of coffee in bed. She asked me where xxxxx is and I told her to go downstairs and grab her brother and sister.

Kids are funny things, aren't they? I told them that he's not coming back because I can see that he's making our household an unhappy one. Cue lots of tears...'but I want him here' type remarks etc. I said 'does he make you feel afraid to be yourself sometimes? Like you might get in trouble and you have to behave differently?' They all said a firm yes. So why would they want him around? Very strange.

He replied to my message telling him that there's no need for us to be in touch anymore. Unfortunately he has reminded me that he has something which belongs to me that I'll be needing today, so he's going to bring it over sometime today. I didn't reply. I know he'll turn up but I'll just get my possessions off him and shut the door in his face.

Kids will do this OP. My dad was physically violent and when I was young I still would have been upset not to have him around. A young brain cant understand the psychological impact he will be having on them. Children often accept abuse and internalise that they are bad because they trust adults implicitly. Youre doing the right thing

Sorry should have read the full thread well done!

If he has no previous experience of being a parent then I would imagine his expectations of how children behave may be entirely based on how he himself was raised, uninformed by any practical experience of child rearing. Does his own upbringing fill you with confidence? What are his family like? If you have entirely different ideas about parenting I think it will be really hard for you to make this work. He also sounds as though he might resent not getting all your attention. I'd be very wary of effectively ending up with a man-child and not an equal partner.

Well done OP. You're a strong person and seem a wonderful mum.

You have protected your children and yourself. Onwards and upwards with your lovely children.

Haven't rtft, it sounds like you ended the relationship.

You needed to.

You couldn't move him in or have him around your kids.

I couldn’t be arsed managing a 4th child, bin him.

Don't capitulate when he comes to drop off your stuff OP. Stay strong.

That's very brave OP I applaud you. He is literally a walking red flag. Its normal that the kids would want the "fun" bits of him as a PP says upthread, just tell them X was getting cross and that's not ok, we don't have rude cross people in this house. Do something nice for yourself and them this weekend.

He's resentful of them and if he feels that way now then it'll get so much worse if he lived with you. Good choice to end things OP. Your children's lives would be a misery otherwise.

Yanbu.

A massive well done for putting your lovely children above your relationship! Your kids sound just like mine by the way, exactly the way children are supposed to be. As soon as I read your OP, I thought 'oh god, a recipe for disaster'. You and your kids would be utterly miserable living with him. Lucky escape!

You have done the right thing putting your kids first.
Parenting is such a tough gig at times.
Well done and all the best for your family’s future.

Honestly, all the micromanaging of your children, swearing at you and generally putting you on edge is making we wave a big red flag here. Your children sound lovely, I wouldn't put them through him micromanaging them like that. Sending hugs OP

Sounds very normal for a child. Children are not little adults! They ask questions, they need help with tasks, they are loud, they make a mess.. this is what children do.

Sorry.. you need to get rid of this man. Do you want your kids walking on eggshells in their own home? So what he yelled downstairs for you? Obviously he needed help with something.. and he asked for his mother to help him .

Your boyfriend sounds like an asshole tbh. Yelling about your kids being ill behaved when they are normal children is ridiculous. As long as they aren’t running amok and it sounds like they are just normal children.

Get rid of him, because if he did move in then you and especially your children would have no peace at home. Children deserve peace in their home.

Get shot of him,he’s boorish overbearing bully