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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To attend surprise party for unvaccinated person?

140 replies

postingfortraffichere · 01/10/2021 06:40

So, i don't know what to do.

It's my mums 65th birthday - she isn't vaccinated. I just found out she is having a surprise birthday planned by someone else - which just dawned on me sounds like a terrible idea.

This isn't about me, I don't care about my risk I'm double vaccinated and have antibodies from having Covid so I'm happy to attend, but I'm not sure putting my mother in that position unvaccinated as a 'surprise' or even fair given she has been avoiding going out for two years.

She not vaccinated out of choice, so yes she's being stubborn but wwyd - try call it off or tell her that 30+ people are attending?

I'm confused about what to do, I'm just worried for her particularly putting her in that position without her consent.

AIBU to try call it off or reduce numbers? Or tell her the situation and spoil the surprise?

OP posts:
Anon778833 · 01/10/2021 12:55

Getting Covid for your 65th birthday would not be a good surprise.

Yes! Quite.

RumblyMumbly · 01/10/2021 13:05

Estimate is that 1 in 85 people had Covid in UK last week

loobylou10 · 01/10/2021 13:05

Vaccine refuses made their choice as far as I'm concerned.
Choices have consequences

What does that even mean in terms of OPs question?

It means that if someone refuses the vaccine, they must know that at some point, they are going to come into contact with the virus and they have no protection.
The OP cannot spend their whole life policing that and worrying about it.

seaandsandcastles · 01/10/2021 13:07

YABU and you don’t need to intervene. She chose not to be vaccinated.

SuperstarDog · 01/10/2021 13:10

It means that if someone refuses the vaccine, they must know that at some point, they are going to come into contact with the virus and they have no protection.
The OP cannot spend their whole life policing that and worrying about it.

OP has said that her mum has not been out much for 2 years and has only socialised outside so has been trying to avoid catching it. So she came here to ask advice, it doesn’t sound like she’s spending her whole life policing it, just a bit of time on mumsnet.
As her mum was expecting 12 for an indoor meal, most people think there’s no need to intervene now that the number is only slightly higher.

Saoirse82 · 01/10/2021 13:25

Also stipulate everyone attending takes LFT one hour before party. Any positives don't attend.

Have you ever met covid deniers? You'd have some job getting then to take a LFT and even more of an issue to get them to do one properly.

Anon778833 · 01/10/2021 13:31

Yes my ex won't take a LFT - he thinks they are all infected.

AnimalGirl75 · 01/10/2021 13:50

Just because she's older doesn't mean she will catch it. My family is unvaccinated and we've worked through the pandemic with my 80-year-old mum providing childcare. We all caught it in March 2020 and barely knew, as did my 80-year-old mum!

ChateauMargaux · 01/10/2021 13:52

You are in a difficult position. I am not sure what I would want to do in your situation.
Unvaccinated people are 3 times more likely to be hospitalised or die than vaccinated people. Your mother has clearly been doing her best to reduce her risks by limited her interaction with other people.

I think I would risk spoiling the surprise and tell her how many people are going. If she is not happy, you can tell your sibling to reduce the numbers or you will tell your mother.

I am not a COVID denyer or anti vaccer, but your mother had not chosen to have COVID at some stage, even now, only 12% of the population have had COVID. It is not a given that we will all get it.

Asleanna · 01/10/2021 13:56

Tbh if she's chosen not to be vaccinated then that's on her. I wouldn't intervene. If she's happy with 12 people then there's a chance any of of those 12 can have covid anyway. I don't think it matters to have another 8 people.

But anti vaxxers. Grrr.

AnwenDolly · 01/10/2021 14:42

I think surprise birthday parties are a rubbish idea at the best of times.

They are often, if not always, a way of inflicting a particular kind of celebration on someone - quite possibly- who would rather do something else, giving them no choice in the matter.

Your mother's vulnerable circumstances give this particular plan an added sinister dimension.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 01/10/2021 15:22

@Porfre

I'm sorry I think this is the stupidest idea ever.

So 20 people are going to hug her on her birthday?

She be sick be the next week and due to her age likely end up in hospital. Its inevitable.

You are as bad as a covid denier
RampantIvy · 01/10/2021 17:06

The OP's mum has a choice whether she wants to be hugged or not, and people should respect that choice.

ClareBlue · 01/10/2021 22:07

At some stage in evolution of humans we are going to evolve past thinking surprise parties are ever a good idea.
Just tell her and ask her to look surprised. If she doesn't want it cancel it.

ClareBlue · 01/10/2021 22:07

Is Jean invited?

milkyaqua · 01/10/2021 23:07

Oh, my god. It's airborne. Meeting in a confined space like a restaurant without decent ventilation is a bad idea, and the more people involved - "Surprise!" - laughing and shouting across the table, and singing happy birthday, the worse. Hugs are just the icing on the cake.

KT727 · 01/10/2021 23:33

@loobylou10

Vaccine refuses made their choice as far as I'm concerned. Choices have consequences
The problem with this idea is that it's the OP's mother who's potentially at risk here. Yes, she made her choice but the potential consequences would affect other people too obviously if she ended up seriously unwell.
Cheeseplantboots · 01/10/2021 23:37

@WheresYourSnickers

Tell her it's happening and she can decide whether or not she wants it to go ahead. If not, she can tell the person that she knows about it and to call it off.
As above. It’s her decision if she wants it to go ahead.
Balonzette · 02/10/2021 01:53

Sorry, I'm really confused.

Why bother getting vaccinated if you're still worried about catching covid? Don't you think the vaccine works? If so, why did you get it in the first place? Confused

If you think the vaccine does work, then why would you be worried about socialising with an unvaccinated person?

milkyaqua · 02/10/2021 04:32

@Balonzette

Sorry, I'm really confused.

Why bother getting vaccinated if you're still worried about catching covid? Don't you think the vaccine works? If so, why did you get it in the first place? Confused

If you think the vaccine does work, then why would you be worried about socialising with an unvaccinated person?

The vaccine does work; it reduces hospitalisation and death by upward of 95%. But breakthrough infections do occur in some who are vaccinated.

The unvaccinated are, not surprisingly, more likely to become infected with Covid; they then transmit greater quantities of virus than the infected who have been vaccinated.

The woman in question is 65, an age considered more vulnerable.

MrsBobDylan · 02/10/2021 07:15

I am young-ish, got the vaccine in February, had my booster vaccine and have currently got Covid. My symptoms will be milder because I have had both vaccines. Thank Christ.

Two of my dc schools have an outbreak right now, a pattern repeated across the country.

Tell your Mum the risks, that's all you can do.

Original poster
postingfortraffichere · 02/10/2021 08:34

@Balonzette perhaps read my original post again,

I don't care about catching Covid. I've had Covid already - the unvaccinated person is my mother and I'm worried for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
postingfortraffichere · 02/10/2021 08:36

@KT727 that's exactly the point. A lot of people rely on her and love her not just me but others. The risk she is taking if she ends up will will affect many people. That's why I'm worried

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 02/10/2021 08:42

@Noogar

Could maybe ask everyone not to rush and hug her
She's an adult. Her party, she can decide who to hug!
PikachuAndMe · 02/10/2021 08:44

Nevermind your mother, she is an adult and taking her own risks. If you are so worried why are you not avoiding this party and minimising your exposure?

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