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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To attend surprise party for unvaccinated person?

140 replies

postingfortraffichere · 01/10/2021 06:40

So, i don't know what to do.

It's my mums 65th birthday - she isn't vaccinated. I just found out she is having a surprise birthday planned by someone else - which just dawned on me sounds like a terrible idea.

This isn't about me, I don't care about my risk I'm double vaccinated and have antibodies from having Covid so I'm happy to attend, but I'm not sure putting my mother in that position unvaccinated as a 'surprise' or even fair given she has been avoiding going out for two years.

She not vaccinated out of choice, so yes she's being stubborn but wwyd - try call it off or tell her that 30+ people are attending?

I'm confused about what to do, I'm just worried for her particularly putting her in that position without her consent.

AIBU to try call it off or reduce numbers? Or tell her the situation and spoil the surprise?

OP posts:
SuperstarDog · 01/10/2021 08:20

Does your mum like these people? Will she want the meal with them? You’ve said they are covid deniers, won’t social distance, whereas your mum presumably isn’t a covid denier as although she’s unvaccinated, she’s clearly chosen to be careful over the last 2 years.

Original poster
postingfortraffichere · 01/10/2021 08:23

@SuperstarDog they're all a combination of Covid deniers and anti vaxxers.

She doesn't agree with their Covid denying tbf - she knows it exists but somehow thinks she can dodge it for the rest of her life Hmm

OP posts:
Reallyimeanreally2022 · 01/10/2021 08:25

Discretely enquire her thoughts on crowds indoors
Ie went to join me at shopping centre this Saturday, but I do hear it can get very crowded - you ok about that?

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 01/10/2021 08:25

@postingfortraffichere

A quick update - she's been told already there's a meal for approx 12 people which she was happy with. The meal is twice as many people so do you think I still need to Intervene?
No way intervene now I read this
canigooutyet · 01/10/2021 08:26

If someone pulled this on me I would be furious and walk out/flounce. I. hate surprise parties. The organiser would be asked wtf they were playing at, and the rest of them told to fuck themselves as they clearly do not know me. If they wanted a party they could have done so without using me and my birthday as an excuse.

If I had been invited and knew the person didn't like them I wouldn't go and instead arrange something for another time with just them and me, and possibly a few others whom I knew wouldn't attend depending on what the birthday person wanted.

Noogar · 01/10/2021 08:26

The people that are going are not the type to take instruction well - it wouldn't work

Then they are cruel and don't understand consent

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 01/10/2021 08:26

The thought of sitting with some anti vaxxers and covid deniers

Shudder

Can’t think of anything worse

Northernsoullover · 01/10/2021 08:29

I wouldn't go. This has disaster written all over it. Your mum seems happy with 20 though so I don't think there is much more you can so about it.

SuperstarDog · 01/10/2021 08:38

She doesn't agree with their Covid denying tbf - she knows it exists but somehow thinks she can dodge it for the rest of her life

I’m not really sure what to say to that. I’m not vaccinated, haven’t caught it yet despite living a normal life but I know I will most likely catch it at some point like everyone else, whether vaccinated or unvaccinated.
Your mum seems to have some boundaries though and these people sound like they don’t care less about those. Personally I wouldn’t want to spend time with people like that, but it up to her. As difficult as it is, I think you need to leave her to it. She was happy to have a meal with 12, so 20 doesn’t really make much difference.

justasking111 · 01/10/2021 08:40

Remember the family get together in USA a lot died. Phone the restaurant and warn them the staff have a right to know

Anon778833 · 01/10/2021 08:45

[quote postingfortraffichere]@RoseAndRose the people attending in the main are Covid deniers - there will be no/little SD[/quote]

What utterly selfish people they are. It sounds like a total recipe for disaster.

Definitely tell her so she can make her own mind up if she wants to put herself at risk.

emeraldjones · 01/10/2021 08:48

Tell her it's happening and she can decide whether or not she wants it to go ahead. If not, she can tell the person that she knows about it and to call it off.

This. I'm your mum's age and vaccinated. I would hate to be stuck indoors with loads of unvaccinated people and for her it's even worse.

TheChip · 01/10/2021 08:51

It doesn't seem like your mother is concerned. If she's happy to be around 12 who she knows are unvaccinated, and chooses to remain unvaccinated herself and still attend. It's a risk she is willing to take.
I hope you all have a lovely time.

Clarice99 · 01/10/2021 08:52

A group of 12/20/25 (figure keeps changing) covid deniers, unvaccinated, in a public restaurant. FFS.

My sympathy now lies with the staff who are employed to serve these idiots people.

NoYOUbekind · 01/10/2021 08:52

If she was happy with 12 for a restaurant meal indoors then I don't think an extra 8 people will make much difference (in her head).

What I would do is talk to her about how she's going to handle things like hugs. My BF had an outdoor party for her birthday and just breezed in and said 'first person to hug me gets their hands chopped off' which was a clear statement from her and so there was hardly any hugging.

heldinadream · 01/10/2021 08:59

The restaurant needs to be informed that they are hosting a whole bunch of unvaccinated covid deniers. Seriously!

RampantIvy · 01/10/2021 09:00

My BF had an outdoor party for her birthday and just breezed in and said 'first person to hug me gets their hands chopped off' which was a clear statement from her and so there was hardly any hugging.

Love it Grin

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 01/10/2021 09:00

@justasking111

Remember the family get together in USA a lot died. Phone the restaurant and warn them the staff have a right to know
But they can’t stop them coming in anyway Would be discrimination
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/10/2021 09:03

@Hopeisnotastrategy

Why do people think they have the right to inflict this sort of occasion on people who clearly aren't up for it? I can imagine your mother being seriously upset and frightened by this given the circumstances. YANBU and I think you have to intervene on this occasion. 💐
This.
Kindertonguehappierlife · 01/10/2021 09:04

You’re really overthinking

Lalliella · 01/10/2021 09:05

A really bad idea. If your mum is avoiding socialising indoors then she’s hardly going to be happy about this. Talk to the sibling.

HarlanPepper · 01/10/2021 09:24

@Kindertonguehappierlife

You’re really overthinking
You do know there's a pandemic on, right?

Speaking as someone who is getting over covid now, having been living in a covid-ridden house for what feels like the forever (children and then husband got it, then me) I would say the OP is definitely not overthinking anything.

Porfre · 01/10/2021 09:33

I'm sorry I think this is the stupidest idea ever.

So 20 people are going to hug her on her birthday?

She be sick be the next week and due to her age likely end up in hospital. Its inevitable.

Original poster
postingfortraffichere · 01/10/2021 09:40

@Porfre

I'm sorry I think this is the stupidest idea ever.

So 20 people are going to hug her on her birthday?

She be sick be the next week and due to her age likely end up in hospital. Its inevitable.

Confused
OP posts:
KT727 · 01/10/2021 09:41

Honestly if I was you I'd ask your sibling to cancel or to book somewhere outside- there's lots of Covid around at the moment and at 65 she's at risk.

If she refuses then maybe tell your Mum that it's actually going to be 20 potential Covid-bearers in an inside venue!