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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To attend surprise party for unvaccinated person?

140 replies

postingfortraffichere · 01/10/2021 06:40

So, i don't know what to do.

It's my mums 65th birthday - she isn't vaccinated. I just found out she is having a surprise birthday planned by someone else - which just dawned on me sounds like a terrible idea.

This isn't about me, I don't care about my risk I'm double vaccinated and have antibodies from having Covid so I'm happy to attend, but I'm not sure putting my mother in that position unvaccinated as a 'surprise' or even fair given she has been avoiding going out for two years.

She not vaccinated out of choice, so yes she's being stubborn but wwyd - try call it off or tell her that 30+ people are attending?

I'm confused about what to do, I'm just worried for her particularly putting her in that position without her consent.

AIBU to try call it off or reduce numbers? Or tell her the situation and spoil the surprise?

OP posts:

SD1978 · 01/10/2021 07:09

She's made her choice, the risk will be part of her everyday life and she comfortable with that. I wouldn't be ruining her surprise, it's your choice whether you do or not only.

Clarice99 · 01/10/2021 07:11

[quote postingfortraffichere]@Noogar it's not happening now but next few days [/quote]
It's not too late to cancel then.

A party with 25+ covid deniers descending on an unvaccinated person (by choice) sounds like a recipe for disaster.

In your position, I'd raise the concerns with the party organiser and if they refused to take my concerns on board, I'd tell the person who the party was being planned for. No question.

And whether I was vaccinated or not (I am), I wouldn't go to a party with a room full of idiots unvaccinated covid deniers.

Staryflight445 · 01/10/2021 07:11

Is she not vaccinated because the majority of people around her are COVID deniers?
Is it a covid denier who is organising it for her?

I feel for you op. It’s infuriating that people would put their life at risk like this when there’s absolutely no need to.

WheresYourSnickers · 01/10/2021 07:12

Tell her it's happening and she can decide whether or not she wants it to go ahead. If not, she can tell the person that she knows about it and to call it off.

crankysaurus · 01/10/2021 07:18

It sounds like a sibling is imposing their idea of what your mum should be doing (i.e. having a birthday party) rather than considering what she actually might want.

I'd be tempted to ask your mum in a roundabout way how she'd feel about attending indoor parties in general (maybe phrase it about Christmas if you don't want to give the surprise away) and see how she responds. If it's very negatively then is suggest letting her know would be a kindness.

Original poster

postingfortraffichere · 01/10/2021 07:19

@Staryflight445

Is she not vaccinated because the majority of people around her are COVID deniers? Is it a covid denier who is organising it for her?

I feel for you op. It’s infuriating that people would put their life at risk like this when there’s absolutely no need to.

Yes the person organising also unvaccinated believes in natural immunity

OP posts:

Auroreforet · 01/10/2021 07:20

The last thing any older person, vaccinated or not, needs is a surprise party.
I hate surprise parties though so I wouldn't thank any one for putting me in that situation.

Original poster

postingfortraffichere · 01/10/2021 07:21

@crankysaurus that's a great idea thank you / I'm doing just that.

As if she doesn't object to that then seems silly spoiling everything

OP posts:

HalzTangz · 01/10/2021 07:33

If she has chosen not to get vaccinated then she has chosen a risk to catch covid.

That will including choosing the risk of mixing with others.

Have everyone that's been invited been vaccinated?

Original poster

postingfortraffichere · 01/10/2021 07:34

@HalzTangz

If she has chosen not to get vaccinated then she has chosen a risk to catch covid.

That will including choosing the risk of mixing with others.

Have everyone that's been invited been vaccinated?

Most are unvaccinated attending

OP posts:

Original poster

postingfortraffichere · 01/10/2021 07:35

@HalzTangz I see what you mean, it's inevitable in a lifetime she will catch Covid

OP posts:

HalzTangz · 01/10/2021 07:39

@postingfortraffichere

Ok she has been out socialising a little - I know she went to a bbq recently with 20+ but said she felt safer as it was outdoors

But generally she doesn't go out to crowded places etc

So she's prepared to mix unvaccinated.

What's the worry, throw the party, open every window if needs be.

Also stipulate everyone attending takes LFT one hour before party. Any positives don't attend.

That's about all you can do to minimise risk, but ultimately people need to learn to start interacting again whether they are vaccinated or not

ChaToilLeam · 01/10/2021 07:44

Sounds wise to sound your mum out about whether she is happy to attend such a gathering, I’d also check with the organiser about whether it is inside or outside, etc. On the face of it, it is an idiotic idea.

Surprise parties are a special kind of hell anyway for those who don’t enjoy surprises, but being in an enclosed space with all those antivaxers - I’d feel like I was in a Petri dish. If your mum is warned she can decide herself if that’s a risk she wishes to take. Your sibling is being very high handed by not checking on that first.

GreenClock · 01/10/2021 07:56

They probably won’t pay any attention to you OP but I think that you need to try to stop this party going ahead.

Original poster

postingfortraffichere · 01/10/2021 08:00

A quick update - she's been told already there's a meal for approx 12 people which she was happy with. The meal is twice as many people so do you think I still need to
Intervene?

OP posts:

SuperstarDog · 01/10/2021 08:01

So she's prepared to mix unvaccinated.

What's the worry, throw the party, open every window if needs be.

No. She’s prepared to mix outside. If the party is inside, then she may not be comfortable.

I’m unvaccinated and it wouldn’t bother me, but it sounds like it may be an issue to OPs mum so it would be best to check in with her.

Original poster

postingfortraffichere · 01/10/2021 08:02

Also sorry guys it's not really a party it's a meal at a restaurant in the private space they have - so people will be at down etc it's just the meet and greets I guess people will hug etc

OP posts:

Original poster

postingfortraffichere · 01/10/2021 08:03

I perhaps should have been clearer about that and it's approx 20 people I have now been told

OP posts:

SuperstarDog · 01/10/2021 08:06

A quick update - she's been told already there's a meal for approx 12 people which she was happy with. The meal is twice as many people so do you think I still need to Intervene?

I’d still check based on her behaviour of not going out much for the last 2 years. People tend to have closer contact at a party than a meal. Potentially more alcohol involved, people relax more.

SuperstarDog · 01/10/2021 08:08

So it’s just a meal for 20 people? And she knew there was a meal for 12? No party? I don’t think it makes much difference then and don’t think you need to say anything.

freshcarnation · 01/10/2021 08:08

The difference between her being happy with 12 or 20 mainly unvaccinated people is relatively immaterial. If someone there brings Covid with them it will do it's work regardless

Noogar · 01/10/2021 08:11

@postingfortraffichere

A quick update - she's been told already there's a meal for approx 12 people which she was happy with. The meal is twice as many people so do you think I still need to Intervene?

Nah I think that's fine as you know she's happy to be mixing with the 12 people

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 01/10/2021 08:11

I think if she's already expecting and happy with a meal indoors with a big group the actual numbers won't make a big difference to the attitudes around it OP. I'd be worried though in your shoes, news reports this week have highlighted hospital admissions and deaths relating to unvaccinated people.

Noogar · 01/10/2021 08:12

Could maybe ask everyone not to rush and hug her

Original poster

postingfortraffichere · 01/10/2021 08:16

@Noogar

Could maybe ask everyone not to rush and hug her

The people that are going are not the type to take instruction well - it wouldn't work

OP posts:

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