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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to assume my friend died?

107 replies

MRex · 30/09/2021 00:36

I used to work with him, he was someone who was close at the time. He had a heart condition and was in his 60s, a couple of big health scares. The last few years I spoke to him a few times; about mutual friends, his daughter's wedding, projects at work. I last saw him at a mutual friend's funeral pre-covid, he was very sad and said he wasn't well. I haven't heard from him in a long time and realised a text last year wasn't answered. I called and his phone is disconnected. He had that phone number at least 12 years that I've known him. He wasn't on social media, but I looked on a work area and nothing from him in two years. One friend asked me how he is; I don't know anyone else who would have known him better than us.
So, he's gone. I don't know his wife nor children, if I could even find them there's nothing much to say. He was just a lovely, gentle and funny man, and I enjoyed working with him. How do people part from acquaintances? Do I just assume he's died and lightly grieve accordingly, or do I pretend he might be out there and ok? Either approach seems fake, but then so does chasing up a man without quality checks.

OP posts:
user1493423934 · 30/09/2021 00:55

Have you tried googling him? if he's dead it will show the death notice.

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 30/09/2021 01:10

Could you write to his last known employer? One of his colleagues may confirm what you suspect. At least you will know.

veryanonymous · 30/09/2021 01:14

I’m sorry you’re missing your friend, he sounds like a lovely man Flowers

yanbu to wonder if he is okay, but I don’t think he has necessarily died. Perhaps he has retired and got a new phone? He may be ill, he might have perhaps had a fall or a stroke or a mental difficulty and so not been out much or in contact with anyone.

I don’t think you would be unreasonable to try to find out what happened to him. If he is still alive it will likely mean a lot to him that somebody thought to look for him. If he has died, it will bring comfort to his family to know that you care and he touched your life positively. We don’t tell / show people that we like and appreciate them nearly enough in this life.

If you knew him through work, could you seek out a manager or ex colleague who might have his contact details, or else tell you who to ask next?

If you know whereabouts he lived or was from, you could look for a facebook group for that area / town / community and put a post asking if anyone knows of him?

If you and he ever attended an event together, could you contact event organisers and ask if they kept contact details for attendees?

Good luck, I hope you find out what has happened to him x

PrincessFiorimonde · 30/09/2021 01:17

I'm so sorry, OP. He sounds like a lovely man.

If there are no ex-colleagues who can tell you about your friend, you could just Google his name followed by the word 'obituary' (you may already have done this, of course).

I hope you are ok Flowers

Yoursaintlyglowofconcern · 30/09/2021 01:21

What has made you want to contact him? Why now? What else is going on in your life?

Tillysfad · 30/09/2021 01:47

I don't think the op needs a reason to wonder about her friend.

If you Google his name, area, everything you know about him, it seems likely you'll see a death notice. Or 192.

In my opinion, it does seem likely he's passed away. I'm sure you would like to write to the family. All those letters from people who were fond of the person are such a comfort.

MitheringMytryl · 30/09/2021 02:21

@Yoursaintlyglowofconcern

What has made you want to contact him? Why now? What else is going on in your life?
These are very odd questions.
starrynight21 · 30/09/2021 02:51

I know how you feel. Recently I thought I'd contact an old work friend - we'd worked together for years and got along really well. But once I'd left work, the friendship just waned because we didn't have that in common. We used to talk sometimes on Facebook but I hadn't seen any posts of hers on there lately.

Last week I checked on her Facebook to see how she was going, and oh dear, her family had posted on there that she'd died suddenly after arriving home from work one day, about a month ago. I felt awful that I hadn't known. Of course nobody in her family knew me, our friendship had been purely a work one.

I watched her funeral online, and felt emotional to see how wonderfully her family loved and cherished her. And I went along and put some flowers on her grave a few days later. That's about all you can do - just grieve on your own, and be grateful that you knew your friend.

alexdgr8 · 30/09/2021 02:57

could you write to his last known workplace, attn personnel/HR dept and enclose a brief letter for him, with a request that they forward it to his last known address.

AngelDelightUk · 30/09/2021 02:57

Do you know his wife’s name? Maybe look her up on FB to see if you can find her

I hope you find closure, it’s tough when something like this happens

MilesOfSand · 30/09/2021 03:06

@Yoursaintlyglowofconcern

What has made you want to contact him? Why now? What else is going on in your life?
She doesn’t need to explain herself, but in fact she already has, in a way that makes a lot of sense. Someone looking for an old friend and worrying about them, and sharing that here.
WTF475878237NC · 30/09/2021 03:37

Starrynight21 that's sad I'm sorry to read your friend from work died. Lovely you were able to do something privately to mark it.

OP I think if you posted here looking for suggestions you've already had some good ones. I hope your friend is alright. It isn't a nice feeling being left wondering what has happened to someone.

Standrewsschool · 30/09/2021 04:11

Can you Google his name and home town. There may be an obituary in the local paper.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 30/09/2021 04:13

@Yoursaintlyglowofconcern Your comment is odd and seems a little bit rude.

I hope he's ok OP and that you get an answer either way.

Shelddd · 30/09/2021 04:17

I agree with everyone else about obituary, that's how I've found people have died in the past.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 30/09/2021 05:06

@Yoursaintlyglowofconcern

What has made you want to contact him? Why now? What else is going on in your life?
Strange...
MyOtherProfile · 30/09/2021 05:13

Sounds like a lovely man.

Sadly some of the suggestions on here would go against GDPR, such as asking event organisers for his details. I think the best you can do is Google his name and then maybe give a letter to his previous work place and ask for it to be forwarded.
I hope you get some nice news.

lnsufficientFuns · 30/09/2021 05:15

You can find death certificates on FindMyPast.co.uk

Raindancer411 · 30/09/2021 05:17

Not sure if this is of any help to you OP

www.funeralguide.co.uk/obituaries

One of the people I worked with passed recently and we had just said about getting together. We never got the chance. I hope he has just changed his number.

overnightangel · 30/09/2021 06:33

@Yoursaintlyglowofconcern

What has made you want to contact him? Why now? What else is going on in your life?
You’re deliberately being an arsehole for. O reason, but you already know that don’t you.

Good luck OP, as mentioned above even if he is sadly gone I’m sure it would be f comfort to his family to know someone still thought of him fondly and wondered about him. I hope you find him

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/09/2021 06:43

Google is def, worth a try. I did that not long ago for someone dh and I knew very well many years ago - a non Brit who lived abroad - and found some obituary notices - he’d died a couple of years previously.

Not long ago I did the same for an ex boyfriend from way back - not that I still had feelings for him, just nosy - only to find notices of his bankruptcy. 🙁 Rather wished I hadn’t bothered.

AllieTM · 30/09/2021 06:49

Please don’t do what a previous poster said and look his wife up on FB.

My Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly and we had a steady stream of people contacting us all asking what happened - via social media, phone and in person.

I understand they cared about him but satisfying their curiosity was incredibly painful for us and felt very intrusive.

Shelddd · 30/09/2021 07:05

@AllieTM

Please don’t do what a previous poster said and look his wife up on FB.

My Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly and we had a steady stream of people contacting us all asking what happened - via social media, phone and in person.

I understand they cared about him but satisfying their curiosity was incredibly painful for us and felt very intrusive.

Yeah I agree with this. Don't reach out to anyone you don't have a relationship with.
pelosi · 30/09/2021 07:13

I hope he’s ok. I have something similar with a friend. I was friends with a lovely girl when we were in our 20s, pre social media. We lost touch (no falling out) as I worked abroad for a few months and she moved back to South Africa. I think of her sometimes and looked for her on social media. Even though she has a distinctive name, I couldn’t find her, I guess because she got married and changed her surname.

Original poster
MRex · 30/09/2021 07:25

Just to clarify, he retired a few years ago and had moved, so no helpful employer links. I don't know his wife's name and have forgotten his daughter's name. His LinkedIn is still open, which is positive, but hasn't been touched in a long time, I've sent him a message. I tried Google, but his name is fairly common; I found obituaries for two others with his name but not him, which is also positive.

OP posts: