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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to assume my friend died?

107 replies

MRex · 30/09/2021 00:36

I used to work with him, he was someone who was close at the time. He had a heart condition and was in his 60s, a couple of big health scares. The last few years I spoke to him a few times; about mutual friends, his daughter's wedding, projects at work. I last saw him at a mutual friend's funeral pre-covid, he was very sad and said he wasn't well. I haven't heard from him in a long time and realised a text last year wasn't answered. I called and his phone is disconnected. He had that phone number at least 12 years that I've known him. He wasn't on social media, but I looked on a work area and nothing from him in two years. One friend asked me how he is; I don't know anyone else who would have known him better than us.
So, he's gone. I don't know his wife nor children, if I could even find them there's nothing much to say. He was just a lovely, gentle and funny man, and I enjoyed working with him. How do people part from acquaintances? Do I just assume he's died and lightly grieve accordingly, or do I pretend he might be out there and ok? Either approach seems fake, but then so does chasing up a man without quality checks.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 30/09/2021 09:32

Could he have moved abroad? He would have got a new phone number that way.

TroysMammy · 30/09/2021 09:36

Since covid not everyone has an obituary in the local paper.

ReggaetonLente · 30/09/2021 09:41

This is why I do think it's important to put a death notice in the paper. My dad died in his 50s after a short illness and my mum was insistent we put a notice in the local paper and in the local paper where he grew up. Lots of people got in touch from them so they were seen.

MRex · 30/09/2021 09:44

@fruitbrewhaha

Could he have moved abroad? He would have got a new phone number that way.
That's really unlikely, I can't imagine him wanting to be away from his grandchildren.
OP posts:
WithMyEncyclopedia · 30/09/2021 09:54

Are you sure you know his proper name? Just wondering, as we have a friend of a similar age (not retired though) who very sadly died and he was known by nearly everyone as his middle name - I think this is fairly common in men of that age. Although googling his 'known-by' name does give you the correct person in this case...

Member984815 · 30/09/2021 09:55

Can you Google and see if he has an obituary online somewhere ?

MRex · 30/09/2021 10:08

@WithMyEncyclopedia - yes, I've been searching including his middle name because his name is common.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 30/09/2021 10:14

Was he involved in any sports or clubs - My dad was heavily involved at a local cricket club so if someone had wanted to find him then they could have rung membership person there. I’d imagine same with rotary club etc.
My mum found it comforting former boss/colleagues contacted her. They knew a side to him she didn’t and shared some nice stories.

mewkins · 30/09/2021 10:19

@Yoursaintlyglowofconcern

What has made you want to contact him? Why now? What else is going on in your life?
Caring? Giving a shit about other people?

Some people are unbelievable.

MyPatronusIsAPenguin · 30/09/2021 10:20

I know you said his daughter was married but have you tried searching by her maiden name? My FB is set as First name married surname (maiden name). I come up in searches by people who don't know my married name

CookPassBabtridge · 30/09/2021 10:25

This stuff haunts me. I have had a lot of friendships where I only know them, no mutual friends, don't know their family.. we've been close through working together but no reason to keep in touch after. It's weird as you spend a lot of time with them at work and form a bond. And then when there's no trace of them, you will always wonder..

MRex · 30/09/2021 10:35

@MyPatronusIsAPenguin - her first name plus maiden name is unfortunately even less searchable than her dad because search results bring thousands of results for a particular person with that name. Not helped by me not knowing what she looks like, nor age, nor approximate location - which is all stuff I know about him.
HOWEVER. Your post reminded me of her specific skill her dad was so proud of, which has helped me to find her online, and oddly I recognise her photo. And from that I've found her new surname and husband, and then seen that they have actually moved overseas. I'm going to search her social media now to see if she's mentioned her dad.

OP posts:
wheretonow123 · 30/09/2021 10:37

I think that it is worth trying to contact the family if you do get details.

If he is in hospital then you can visit him.

It is tough - I have had some acquaintances through work with no other family details.

QuimReaper · 30/09/2021 10:43

@Yoursaintlyglowofconcern

What has made you want to contact him? Why now? What else is going on in your life?
Username checks out.
MRex · 30/09/2021 10:44

Her husband has a photo of him from last week with presumably his wife. He's fine, he's overseas, he has a few more lines and lost some weight, possibly he's even moved there. I'm relieved, but also feel like a weird stalker.
Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 30/09/2021 10:47

If this was my dad, I genuinely wouldn't mind at all if you contacted me after a social media search to say you were an old friend of my dad's and wanted to get back in touch with him. I'd happily pass the message on.

wheretonow123 · 30/09/2021 10:58

@imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere

If this was my dad, I genuinely wouldn't mind at all if you contacted me after a social media search to say you were an old friend of my dad's and wanted to get back in touch with him. I'd happily pass the message on.
I agree with this. You know him well - he will most likely appreciate the contact.
QuimReaper · 30/09/2021 11:00

Wonderful news OP!

SunshineCake1 · 30/09/2021 11:06

That is great news!

I can't see anyone being miffed you've gone to the trouble of looking for him as you were thinking of them. I still think of an old school friend. Not a common name but I found three. Only one replied, freaked out, I apologised, no idea if my friend so I've stopped looking. However I'd think in your case it would be okay.

Member984815 · 30/09/2021 11:06

That's a lovely outcome , I'm glad you've found out what became of him

MRex · 30/09/2021 11:08

I've sent her a message to ask him to check his email or LinkedIn for messages from me as I've been trying to get in touch. I said sorry for the unexpected contact but his phone isn't working and I remembered he was proud of her X skill, so she was easy to find. Hopefully she won't think it's too strange.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 30/09/2021 11:09

I didn't think this was going to end well at all! Excellent news!

pelosi · 30/09/2021 11:14

Glad he’s well! Smile

MRex · 30/09/2021 11:16

It hadn't occurred to me as plausible that he'd be overseas because I presumed his daughter was still in the UK and he would want to be near her. Never assume!

OP posts:
LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 30/09/2021 11:25

This would really freak me out.

If you're online and easy to search then if he wanted contact he would initiate it. If he got a new phone he would have messaged you his new number.

I'm glad he's OK, but you've really overstepped imo.