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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to assume my friend died?

107 replies

MRex · 30/09/2021 00:36

I used to work with him, he was someone who was close at the time. He had a heart condition and was in his 60s, a couple of big health scares. The last few years I spoke to him a few times; about mutual friends, his daughter's wedding, projects at work. I last saw him at a mutual friend's funeral pre-covid, he was very sad and said he wasn't well. I haven't heard from him in a long time and realised a text last year wasn't answered. I called and his phone is disconnected. He had that phone number at least 12 years that I've known him. He wasn't on social media, but I looked on a work area and nothing from him in two years. One friend asked me how he is; I don't know anyone else who would have known him better than us.
So, he's gone. I don't know his wife nor children, if I could even find them there's nothing much to say. He was just a lovely, gentle and funny man, and I enjoyed working with him. How do people part from acquaintances? Do I just assume he's died and lightly grieve accordingly, or do I pretend he might be out there and ok? Either approach seems fake, but then so does chasing up a man without quality checks.

OP posts:

pelosi · 30/09/2021 07:26

At some point you have to assume they don’t want to be found.

icedcoffees · 30/09/2021 07:29

@AllieTM

Please don’t do what a previous poster said and look his wife up on FB.

My Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly and we had a steady stream of people contacting us all asking what happened - via social media, phone and in person.

I understand they cared about him but satisfying their curiosity was incredibly painful for us and felt very intrusive.

I don't think people mean message the wife, but if her profile is open to the public she may have posted on there about her husbands' death.

Cuck00soup · 30/09/2021 07:37

While I agree with PP not to contact family members to ask for information, if you are able to find an obituary, you could send a card or write something about how sorry you are and let his family know how much your friend meant to you, perhaps sharing some memories.

JinglingHellsBells · 30/09/2021 07:42

@user1493423934

Have you tried googling him? if he's dead it will show the death notice.

How would it do that unless the family had put in the newspaper @user1493423934 ?

Peaseblossum22 · 30/09/2021 07:43

Go to the private registry and you can search their name , that should help.

Original poster

MRex · 30/09/2021 07:44

@Yoursaintlyglowofconcern

What has made you want to contact him? Why now? What else is going on in your life?

Nothing in particular. I'm meeting a couple of old colleagues for a drink who I haven't seen in a long time, I thought it would be nice to invite him. It's a bit of a journey for him, but he did it a couple of times before. Also I thought it would be nice to say hi whether or not he could make it.

OP posts:

politics4me · 30/09/2021 08:03

It was necessary for me to find out anonymously about a death.
All deaths are recorded at the central registry office. when it is confirmed you can apply for a copy of the certificate. For about 5 months they are only held at the Registrar of the district where they died.
There are public copies of this in London and I think Cardiff.
But, it can be done by email, the more information you have the better. Full name, date of Birth, approx will help, address where living when they might have died.

Start with the Gov website. Death Certificates.
If you want help send me a PM.
Good Luck with the detective work.

Drinkyourweaklemondrink · 30/09/2021 08:08

Do you have ancestry? It may be worth looking him up on there?

yefferson · 30/09/2021 08:09

The GDPR only applies to living people so there wouldn't be a data protection issue with asking someone like an employer if he has passed away.

Original poster

MRex · 30/09/2021 08:14

He has a common name and I don't know his DOB nor address. His daughter married, so I don't know her surname. I don't think I have enough for a search.

OP posts:

BikeRunSki · 30/09/2021 08:14

Could he have got a new phone number when he retired?

Funeral directors usually have funeral notices on their websites. I’ve just tried googling a few for people I knew, abs have found funeral notices for all 4, one from 6 years ago.I just googled the person’s name and “funeral”.

Pottedpalm · 30/09/2021 08:16

@pelosi

I hope he’s ok. I have something similar with a friend. I was friends with a lovely girl when we were in our 20s, pre social media. We lost touch (no falling out) as I worked abroad for a few months and she moved back to South Africa. I think of her sometimes and looked for her on social media. Even though she has a distinctive name, I couldn’t find her, I guess because she got married and changed her surname.

I posted on here under a different username a while back, for suggestions on how to find an old school friend. Someone suggested Ancestry.com and one poster offered to do a search if I sent details in a pm. I did and found my friend. We have been messaging and are going to meet soon.

SunshineCake1 · 30/09/2021 08:23

Googling doesn't always tell you someone has died. I know for a fact someone died five years ago and I am yet to find online proof of it.

LittleMissGlum · 30/09/2021 08:35

@MRex i'm hoping you have a positive outcome. I recently tried to find a friend from university (I say friend, but we were on different courses, used to bump into each other at times and got along really well). However, the last time I saw her was nearly 15 years ago, so wasn't too hopeful. I managed to find her on LinkedIn but her profile hadn't been updated in a quite a long time, I wasn't her friend on Facebook, so couldn't check if she had updated or not. Short of the long, I managed to track her down (bit of a long story how I did, but along the way I ended up contacting her sister's SIL 😂)

Before I managed to get hold of her, I did think, I'd never know if anything has happened in all these years.

Meirou90 · 30/09/2021 08:36

I found a great way to find a person on FB that I thought had disappeared. I didn’t find them, but their family member who had recently posted pictures of them which confirmed they were alive. Stalker behaviour I know haha.

Go to Facebook, search for his name, and then click the “photos” tab. Search through until you find a picture of him, it will be a family member who has posted it and tagged him in it.

FWBNC · 30/09/2021 08:44

@AllieTM

Please don’t do what a previous poster said and look his wife up on FB.

My Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly and we had a steady stream of people contacting us all asking what happened - via social media, phone and in person.

I understand they cared about him but satisfying their curiosity was incredibly painful for us and felt very intrusive.

I'm sorry about your Dad x

My Dad died suddenly too, we tried very hard to let everyone know, but inevitably we missed a few people (mostly ex work colleagues) who found out via other contacts then got in touch.

I actually though it was lovely of them & in a way part of the grieving process. It was harder to speak to people who didn't already know, but I'm still glad they were thinking of him & had tried to ring him when they hadn't seen him for a little while.

I'd have hated to know someone was (maybe still is) but is reticent to get in touch with us for fear of upsetting us.

midsomermurderess · 30/09/2021 08:48

saintly imagines herself to be a counsellor. As to so many in this site.

leavesthataregreen · 30/09/2021 08:51

@AllieTM

Please don’t do what a previous poster said and look his wife up on FB.

My Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly and we had a steady stream of people contacting us all asking what happened - via social media, phone and in person.

I understand they cared about him but satisfying their curiosity was incredibly painful for us and felt very intrusive.

This is so true. Sorting out a funeral and its aftermath as well as coping with your own grief is really exhausting. The constant stream of people who want a half hour phone conversation that begins: Oh I knew your dad/brother when...' just breaks you.

Find out from a public source and if you want to, send a note and add that it doesn't need a reply.

Original poster

MRex · 30/09/2021 08:53

@BikeRunSki

Could he have got a new phone number when he retired?

I have spoken to him since retirement, but of course he might just have changed his number anyway.

I've found death notices for 3 people with his name in the last year, none of them are him.

He has quite a common name, so Facebook photo searches and things just bring up thousands of irrelevant photos. I don't think he was on Facebook to be tagged anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

MRex · 30/09/2021 08:55

@AllieTM - very sorry about your dad. The little I know about his wife is that she was a quiet and private person, so I wouldn't do more than send a card if I find news and an address.

OP posts:

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 30/09/2021 09:00

@Peaseblossum22

Go to the private registry and you can search their name , that should help.

Did you mean probate registry?

RoyalCorgi · 30/09/2021 09:02

The easiest way to do this is to go to www.ancestry.co.uk or www.findmypast.co.uk and do a search for him - if he's died it will show his death record. I think you can get cheap or free access for 24 hours.

senua · 30/09/2021 09:04

I'm meeting a couple of old colleagues for a drink who I haven't seen in a long time, I thought it would be nice to invite him
Clutching at straws, but maybe one of the colleagues has his details?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 30/09/2021 09:10

I wouldn't presume he's died if you can't find any sign of an obituary for him; or a death record on any of the Ancestry sites, although that might be difficult if you don't have a DoB or idea of where he was living...

Is there anyone you know who might remember more details about him? It doesn't sound like you quite know enough to able to look him up comprehensively, but nothing you've said makes it sound like he's died.

Original poster

MRex · 30/09/2021 09:30

None of our colleagues were closer than me. I perhaps understated his health condition in the OP, it was a big reason for his retirement, but it's possible he is doing well on medication.

I have searched lots of suggested links now and no sign of a death or funeral. I'll hope he gets in touch again one day, but if not I've decided to assume he is well, enjoying a very long and happy retirement, busy with the grandchildren and simply changed his phone number and email. Thanks everyone for your help.

OP posts:

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