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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want to leave my baby!

107 replies

Pineapples1986 · 29/09/2021 16:59

I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby girl. Unless I have something I really need to do or am absolutely shattered from consecutive nights of no / very little sleep, I don’t want to leave her with someone else, ‘just because’. I know people say you need a break but generally, I don’t feel this way. My MIL is currently pushing to take her for a day a week. I know I should be glad of the offer of help and lots of people would jump at the chance, but I don’t currently want to be away from her for that long! The thought of not knowing where she is, as she likes to go out and about a lot and would be taking her with her, also gives me anxiety. But asking her to ‘report in’ with what she plans to do with her, I know would come across as ‘controlling’. She sees her at least twice a week anyway so it’s not like she isn’t involved with her granddaughter, but I don’t feel ready for her to look after her a regular, set day a week and me be apart from her for that long. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
scoopydoopy · 29/09/2021 17:00

YANBU, you don't have to if you don't want to!

DownWhichOfLate · 29/09/2021 17:00

Tell your mil that your daughter is not a play thing or an accessory. If she wants to see her she can continue to do so in your presence.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 29/09/2021 17:01

Your baby is still very small, the way you feel is only natural. If you are not comfortable then dont allow it. Trust me as she gets older you will know when you are ready for others to look after her.

SylvanasWindrunner · 29/09/2021 17:01

Not a chance would I have done that at that age! Just say no thank you, maybe in the future.

goldenochre · 29/09/2021 17:01

Nope! Completely normal.. just do what you are comfortable with and also, a 3 month old is too young to be away from mum for a whole day.. if MIL wants to see baby more, she can come to yours x

lockdownalli · 29/09/2021 17:01

Fuck no I would have hated that. YANBU

Tell her to ask again when DD hits 13.

Porcupineintherough · 29/09/2021 17:01

YANBU at all. And if / when you are going to start leaving her with people "just because" Id suggest you start with an hour or two, say for a haircut, so that you can get used to it.

DrManhattan · 29/09/2021 17:02

Go with how you feel xxx

babouchette · 29/09/2021 17:03

YANBU and I would have said no at that stage too. Even now, years later, I wouldn't want to just hand my DC over to someone else for a day a week unless it was because I had to work. I love spending time together!

Perching · 29/09/2021 17:03

Nope she has had her turn. Enjoy your baby it goes SO QUICKLY as she should know.
Get your DH to have a word.

ComDummings · 29/09/2021 17:03

YANBU, go with what you feel is right.

Bouncebacker · 29/09/2021 17:04

A day is too long at 3 months? what about feeding for starters! She is your baby and you can just say no. Maybe you could suggest (if you feel happy with it!) a two hour slot each week? But I really didn’t want to leave my babies at that age and it think we are biologically programmed not too as they are so tiny and need protecting from sabre toothed tigers and MILs… 🤣😂 (I was totally ready at a year old though, and so were they)

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/09/2021 17:04

She’s your baby. Your MIL had hers. No one gets to dictate how you or your daughter spend your time. The way you feel is completely normal, you have instincts for a reason, trust them.

I felt exactly the same. Still mostly do now and DD is 2.

Twice a week is loads, is that what you want or is it being forced on you?

I’m suspicious of anyone who insists on time alone with babies. You can have plenty of quality time while the parents are there.

You want to be with your baby, she wants to be with you. That’s what babies are like.

Rumplestrumpet · 29/09/2021 17:04

Nope, totally normal and healthy to not want to be away from such a small baby for very long. I was grateful at that age when my mum offered to take baby for an hour or two so I could sleep, but no one else and no longer than that until much bigger.

Just smile and say that will be lovely when she is older. You'll let her know when.

Rannva · 29/09/2021 17:06

Not at all. Some older folk are very insistent that they look after the babies, and demand you need ‘to toughen them up’ and ‘make her not so reliant on you’ because otherwise she’ll be ‘needy and soft’. Comments might start that the baby will become 'clingy' or 'manipulative'. It's sad, really.

Try to just smile it off with “no thanks, we don’t need the care. No thanks, I don’t need a break. No thanks, I love being with her. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks.”

GloomAndDoom · 29/09/2021 17:08

It's normal not to be ready when they are that young. Especially for a whole day! I think at 3 months I'd left her with my own mum for an hour while I went for a walk and found that hard enough.

HumunaHey · 29/09/2021 17:09

Seems like your MIL is pushing for that for her own gratification. I've been there accept it was my sister who was pestering saying "I'll have to leave [DS] at some point" which I agreed with but not when he's bloody 2months old 😑.

Stick to your guns. You are the mother. Kindly but firmly let MIL know she needs to reign it in.

GloomAndDoom · 29/09/2021 17:09

@Porcupineintherough

YANBU at all. And if / when you are going to start leaving her with people "just because" Id suggest you start with an hour or two, say for a haircut, so that you can get used to it.
This is a good idea, but only when you're ready
AliasGrape · 29/09/2021 17:15

My DD was nearly 1 before anyone looked after her other than me or her dad (at 6 months or so her dad took her to his parents for a couple of hours without me so I could sleep and I cried the whole time which reinforced we weren't ready!)

It was partly because she was a lockdown baby, my parents are dead and his parents weren't especially interested in having her anyway, but I also just wasnt ready and didn't want to be away from her.

Shes 14 months now, happily spends 1 day a week with a childminder (who said shes the easiest baby shes ever had to settle in, dd barely batted an eyelid) and she also copes very well being looked after by my in laws for the odd few hours here and there. So it definitely didn't make her 'clingy' or anything like that, though we certainly went through that phase and no doubt will again.

I'd just say to your MIL that's a kind offer, I'll keep it in mind and try to change the subject, if she really insists then might need to be a bit firmer, 'honestly no thanks we are fine but I promise if I do get to the point I need a break I'll let you know, for now though we don't need any childcare'.

MoreAloneTime · 29/09/2021 17:16

For what it's worth OP most people don't leave babies this young for anything like a day a week with someone else.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/09/2021 17:17

There is no reason at all why you should give your baby to someone else for a day a week, unless you need to work. Even then it's at YOUR request, not hers. How wierd of her to say such a thing.

There are families for whom this arrangement works, though. I've known people whose mum has had their kids every Friday night for years, so that they can get "couples time" with their DH. Confused When I first heard of these people doing that I have to admit I did wonder if the families were struggling with their children, for it to be every week, as it seemed more like respite care for the parents. But perhaps it's quite common in ultra close families?

I'm close to my parents but I just wouldn't have given my kids over to them on their own every week, just because. Just no.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 29/09/2021 17:18

Imo of mil wants to help she needs to come round and do your washing /ironing /dishes.... Looking after a small baby is a dm's job!! You waited 9 months for that baby remember!!

MaskingForIt · 29/09/2021 17:23

@Rannva

Not at all. Some older folk are very insistent that they look after the babies, and demand you need ‘to toughen them up’ and ‘make her not so reliant on you’ because otherwise she’ll be ‘needy and soft’. Comments might start that the baby will become 'clingy' or 'manipulative'. It's sad, really.

Try to just smile it off with “no thanks, we don’t need the care. No thanks, I don’t need a break. No thanks, I love being with her. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks.”

I just don’t understand why some people are so keen to be nasty to small babies. My dad was trying to get me to leave me three-month-old to cry it out. Like I could have a happy jolly time listening to my tiny baby crying its heart out.
TheOpportuneMoment · 29/09/2021 17:25

Yeah there's no way I would have even considered this. She doesn't need to take your child away for a day a week, she can come and see you both together.

firstimemamma · 29/09/2021 17:25

Yanbu stand your ground! I didn't leave ds with anyone until he was 16 months and even then that was a one-off 3 hours. 3 months is tiny. Ds is 3 now and runs off into nursery quite happily - absolutely zero regrets about soaking up every second of his little baby stage.