Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want to leave my baby!

107 replies

Pineapples1986 · 29/09/2021 16:59

I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby girl. Unless I have something I really need to do or am absolutely shattered from consecutive nights of no / very little sleep, I don’t want to leave her with someone else, ‘just because’. I know people say you need a break but generally, I don’t feel this way. My MIL is currently pushing to take her for a day a week. I know I should be glad of the offer of help and lots of people would jump at the chance, but I don’t currently want to be away from her for that long! The thought of not knowing where she is, as she likes to go out and about a lot and would be taking her with her, also gives me anxiety. But asking her to ‘report in’ with what she plans to do with her, I know would come across as ‘controlling’. She sees her at least twice a week anyway so it’s not like she isn’t involved with her granddaughter, but I don’t feel ready for her to look after her a regular, set day a week and me be apart from her for that long. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
CoalCraft · 29/09/2021 17:27

At three months I think your feelings are justified. At that age I let my mum and my mil take DD out at that age, but only for a few hours at a time. Now she's ten months though and spends 9 hours at nursery three days a week.

Aorh · 29/09/2021 17:29

She’s still tiny, no way would I have wanted to be apart.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/09/2021 17:29

I hope you feel justified, heard and empowered by these responses OP. Your baby only really wants you right now, it’s natural you want her close.

I agree with the responses to give her. Start with a firm “no thanks”, repeat with increasing firmness and escalate if necessary to “I’ve been clear it’s not something I want, please stop bringing this up”.

And if she’s being a pain then see less of her. Twice a week is loads already.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 29/09/2021 17:29

My dm used to travel by train weekly to help in whichever way she could and left the baby to me!!

toolazytothinkofausername · 29/09/2021 17:29

YANBU. I didn't leave my DC1 until he was 9 months old and that was only due to believing I was having an ectopic pregnancy (thankfully I was not).

FilthyforFirth · 29/09/2021 17:33

3 months is far too young. I wouldnt do this and I am probably more relaxed than most mnetters at leaving my baby. I think DS2 was around 7 months when I first had a night away from him. DS1 was 6 months and that felt too early at the time. (DH took me away for my bday so couldnt say no really!)

Itsanewdah · 29/09/2021 17:35

Your feelings are of course justified, but I would also consider the future. If you expect/need your MIL to look after her later on, you also need to compromise now. Maybe not for a day, but for a couple of hours. There are 2 adults with wishes involved here - you can’t say “i don’t want you now but expect you to do same thing only when I want it.”
If you don’t need her later on, its your rules.

GotToGoBye · 29/09/2021 17:36

Yanbu I didn’t leave them for a day (not really more than when I went running 1-2 hours) until they were 9 months old.
I didn’t find it particularly relaxing to be away from them when they were so little. Easier when they were weaned a bit and a bit oldee.

TreaslakeandBack · 29/09/2021 17:37

3 months is too young. When are you going back to work?

crimsonlake · 29/09/2021 17:54

I know someone who has been leaving their child overnight and in to the next evening since their baby was a 2 months old. Probably for couples time as it is not for work...I could not imagine ever doing that.

Mrbob · 29/09/2021 18:00

@Itsanewdah

Your feelings are of course justified, but I would also consider the future. If you expect/need your MIL to look after her later on, you also need to compromise now. Maybe not for a day, but for a couple of hours. There are 2 adults with wishes involved here - you can’t say “i don’t want you now but expect you to do same thing only when I want it.” If you don’t need her later on, its your rules.
2 adults with wishes as in MIL and OP?! No. MIL wishes are not equally as important as OP. And this has literally nothing to do with wanting her to help in a year. This is a tiny baby who OP (entirely reasonably) doesn’t want away from her. It’s not borrowing a bucket. If MIL says she won’t look after the baby later because she wasn’t allowed them alone when they were a few weeks old then that’s her choice and tbh if she doesn’t get that then she isn’t exactly the kind of childcare you want Stand firm OP. Facilitate her seeing your baby as frequently as you feel is reasonable but that doesn’t mean alone
Anon9990 · 29/09/2021 18:07

100% agree with you Mrbob, terrible to think that OP should feel guilt tripped because she may need her MiL for childcare in later years 🤷🏽‍♀️

Original poster
Pineapples1986 · 30/09/2021 06:22

Thanks everyone! Feel a bit better that I’m not being a crank now! I said I would come round with the baby and stay (which I already do once a week) but she said she wants her to get to know her and not be ‘scary Nannie’ to her because she isn’t used to her, and If I stay, she won’t settle for her because she knows I’m there! She also said that ‘she does spend a lot of time with you and j (hub), doesn’t she?!’ I was like erm, she’s tiny and we’re her parents so yes she does! Told her I think that is normal. But it’s not like she doesn’t see anyone else too. I think she’s also used to his sister’s kids constantly being round and being asked to look after them and expects the same from me! But she isn’t my mum and I’d never want to be like that! (My mum passed away, maybe subconsciously that’s making it harder too?)

OP posts:
DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 30/09/2021 06:28

Just stick to your guns. You are right, she is wrong. Your baby needs and wants you, not her.

MintJulia · 30/09/2021 06:32

Nope. Your baby, your rules. If you don't feel comfortable, it's too soon.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/09/2021 07:03

IMO what you feel is entirely normal. I never left my two for more than an hour or two, and that only rarely, until they were a lot older.
Just tell MiL thank you very much, but you don’t feel the need of a break, and you don’t feel at all happy being away from your baby yet.

I could never, ever, understand a friend who left her one month old first baby with her mother for a month - while she went on holiday with her dh! She was from a different culture, though, where farming out your children to parents or in laws was seen as entirely normal.

Nomaj · 30/09/2021 07:11

Stand your ground and don’t give in to your demanding MIL.

I felt like my babies were an actual part of me at that age and it almost physically hurt to be away from them. No rejects. Your feelings are most important here.

londonrach · 30/09/2021 07:13

Yanbu...your baby your choice ..

MrsColon · 30/09/2021 07:17

Very, very few mothers are willing to leave a 3 month old without them all day unless there's no choice (I.e. work). It's natural that you want to be with her, she's a little baby! I'd never have been able to leave DS at that age. A few hours occasionally while you sleep/get a haircut/go to the gym is very different to all day.

MrsColon · 30/09/2021 07:19

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

IMO what you feel is entirely normal. I never left my two for more than an hour or two, and that only rarely, until they were a lot older. Just tell MiL thank you very much, but you don’t feel the need of a break, and you don’t feel at all happy being away from your baby yet.

I could never, ever, understand a friend who left her one month old first baby with her mother for a month - while she went on holiday with her dh! She was from a different culture, though, where farming out your children to parents or in laws was seen as entirely normal.

A month?! Shock

I don't know any culture where that would be normal, it goes against all natural instincts! A baby of that age needs its mother.

Odile13 · 30/09/2021 07:20

You shouldn’t leave your baby with someone else until you’re ready. It’s not up to your MIL. I would just keep turning her down politely as you’ve been doing.

GoodnightGrandma · 30/09/2021 07:21

You need to put your foot down now or it will escalate.

FloconDeNeige · 30/09/2021 07:21

Honestly it’s very easy, if you don’t want to leave the baby, don’t leave the baby.

Others can quit with the judgemental comments about people doing differently though.

burritofan · 30/09/2021 07:23

She also said that ‘she does spend a lot of time with you and j (hub), doesn’t she?!’ I was like erm, she’s tiny and we’re her parents so yes she does!
Grin

I couldn’t have left DD at that age, and didn’t really get a break from her til around 8 months when she finally slowed down on the feeding. Even then she was with DP for a few hours, and I missed her. The thought of handing her to my in-laws when only just out of newborn stage… my shoulders are round my ears with tension just thinking about it.

A distant rellie offered to take her for a few hours at five weeks – madness! Partly because she was a screamy colic baby and who wants that? Partly because I’d waited nine months for her, and five weeks was nothing, I was still happily staring at her 24/7. But a friend had a baby the same day as me and she went out-out and left her with a babysitter on day 5!

Fluffycloudland77 · 30/09/2021 07:25

This is just batshit, whats this obsession some women have with taking babies away from their mum so young?.

Swipe left for the next trending thread