I don’t want to leave my baby!

[Pineapples1986]

I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby girl. Unless I have something I really need to do or am absolutely shattered from consecutive nights of no / very little sleep, I don’t want to leave her with someone else, ‘just because’. I know people say you need a break but generally, I don’t feel this way. My MIL is currently pushing to take her for a day a week. I know I should be glad of the offer of help and lots of people would jump at the chance, but I don’t currently want to be away from her for that long! The thought of not knowing where she is, as she likes to go out and about a lot and would be taking her with her, also gives me anxiety. But asking her to ‘report in’ with what she plans to do with her, I know would come across as ‘controlling’. She sees her at least twice a week anyway so it’s not like she isn’t involved with her granddaughter, but I don’t feel ready for her to look after her a regular, set day a week and me be apart from her for that long. Am I being unreasonable?

Also if she does really want a little time alone with baby, a whole day is too much. Reasonable to suggest she take her out for a walk for an hour

Yanbu. I’d have absolutely hated this.
Just say no it doesn’t work for you at the moment.

Also this comment ‘ If I stay, she won’t settle for her because she knows I’m there!’
She wants to feel needed and this arrangement is more about her than your daughter/ helping you so no. That would put me right off too.

I naturally built up time away as the length between feeds increased. I started off early with about 15 mins for a walk to help recover from SPD. At 3m I spent a morning doing a training session rather than the full day. At 6m a few hours became more comfortable and at 10m he started nursery.

It's always been important to me to retain a sense of myself, and for the first 6m they're fairly portable so that wasn't too tricky. It gets more challenging as they get mobile and start having ideas more complex than hunger and tired.

I wouldn't be happy with this offer as it is a long time at 3m and it's based around MiL's desires rather than OP's and baby's needs. If she was offering time with baby and gently building up as baby grows that would be a better offer.

People pushing really hard to take my DC without me being there makes me deeply uncomfortable and I definitely would not be agreeing to this. Just a breezy 'that's a lovely offer, I'm not ready for it yet but will let you know if I change my mind' on repeat?

Oh goodness, I'd run a mile if DS and DIL asked me to look after ababy that young! PS they are childless so it's hypothetical. Not all MILs are baby- obsessed. And I'm sure I'd feel the same if I did have a real live grandchild.

Compromise perhaps. Mil comes round and you go for a nap for an hour?

should be glad of the offer of help

Did you ask for this? Is it helpful to you? No. If she wants to help she could take her for a walk while you have a sleep, make a meal etc

You don't have to feel grateful for a something you don't want.

No one would have parted me from my 3 month old for a day. That's normal.

Sounds like it's all about what she wants.

I felt like that with my first. With my second I would have happily let the postman have him for a day if he’d offered 😊

You absolutely don’t have to agree to this. Just say no thanks.

If MIL argues that she just wants to help, say brilliant, you can help by doing some laundry/cooking us tea/helping me clean.

If she says no then ‘wanting to help’ is an excuse to get her own way. Your child isn’t a toy for people to have turns with. She’s your baby.

And? Doesn’t mean she loves her child any less than you or that you’re a superior mother.
And? Did I say that? Or did I demonstrate that different people and different babies do different things, so MIL isn’t wrong to offer, and OP isn’t wrong to decline. Sorry if you need things spoonfed to you.

Who cares what she thinks, your responsibility is to your child so go with what suits you both.

Don’t be bullied. Enjoy every minute with your baby.

I had to leave my children around 3 months as I returned to work prt time.

However, it was only for work purposes. The days I’m at home they were with me until around a year. I’m extremely lucky. I have a great dm mil and dh who all support me to allow me to return to work with young babies.

If you don’t want to leave your baby then don’t! I don’t leave my children (7&4) they have no separation anxiety and go off to school/nursery fine. Enjoy your baby and do what feels comfortable.

Or did I demonstrate that different people and different babies do different things

Funny how this ‘demonstration’ paints you as the doting mother who can’t bear to be away from her child, and your friend as the one who can’t wait to leave hers with a babysitter.

No way on earth would I leave a 3 month old with anyone for a day. Mine were glued to me day and night up to around 7months old.

But nowhere did I say which one was the “right” choice. I don’t believe either of us was wrong: we had different babies, different support networks, different experiences. The end.

There is no reason at all why you should give your baby to someone else for a day a week, unless you need to work.

There can be lots of reasons to do so other than work.

YANBU. I had this from MIL with DS1. Even before he was born, she and FIL started with the whole 'we can take him at the weekend to give you a break'. It was very stressful and pregnancy hormones meant I dwelt on it a fair bit until DS was born. Once he was born, I was certain within myself that it would not be happening. I was breastfeeding anyway, which MIL found weird(!), but it was a good excuse not to leave him. But there were plenty of remarks about getting him onto a bottle so they could have him overnight😬😬 Unfortunately SIL had set a precedent by leaving her DD with them overnight once a week and also with her MIL once a week. So, for them, it was the norm and I was an oddity. Thankfully DP saw things the same way as me on this (it hasn't been like that with other stuff, but that's another dozen threads).

@Pineapples1986

Thanks everyone! Feel a bit better that I’m not being a crank now! I said I would come round with the baby and stay (which I already do once a week) but she said she wants her to get to know her and not be ‘scary Nannie’ to her because she isn’t used to her, and If I stay, she won’t settle for her because she knows I’m there! She also said that ‘she does spend a lot of time with you and j** (hub), doesn’t she?!’ I was like erm, she’s tiny and we’re her parents so yes she does! Told her I think that is normal. But it’s not like she doesn’t see anyone else too. I think she’s also used to his sister’s kids constantly being round and being asked to look after them and expects the same from me! But she isn’t my mum and I’d never want to be like that! (My mum passed away, maybe subconsciously that’s making it harder too?)

My MIL was like this too, was desperate for me to just fuck off so she could have baby DD all to herself. I think she thought I was very controlling, and she would get incredibly upset and snipey if DD got fussy with her or wanted me. She trotted out all the same lines about how DD wouldn't know her, catastrophising about the whole future of their relationship because I wasn't handing her over at 10 weeks. It made me so anxious and really cast a shadow over my relationship with MIL and the start of my parenting in general.

Fast forward to now, DD is two and a half and they have a great time together. It was irrelevant that MIL didn't get her to herself when she was tiny. In fact I think that would have frightened DD more and made her less disposed towards her now. YOU are your child's mother. It is normal and natural for you to want to be with her all the time while she's tiny. Your MIL cannot brute-force the relationship she wants with her grandchild, and you have absolutely zero responsibility to do more than facilitate normal, positive contact. You don't even have to do that if you don't want to.

YANBU. I would have not been comfortable with that at all. I BF mine and they didn't take a bottle so couldn't really leave them but it didn't bother me one bit. I was with my baby and that was right where I wanted to be.
There will be other mums who would be fine with it and that is not wrong either. Each to their own.
As for if you get the 'your children are too clingy/will never let you leave them' and all that jazz it's a load of rubbish! My two DC spent very little time away from me for the first 9 months, co slept and fed on demand with lots of cuddling and rocking. They are now happy, confident kids who sleep in their own beds!

A whole day is along time at 3months old . Your MIL sees your baby twice a week already, that's loads, so she won't be "scary nanny" , this is very over dramatic. Don't be pushed into this, follow your instincts OP, they are correct.

I had this very situation with my own MIL when I was a young Mum. Having heard jokey anecdotes at family gatherings about her own careless and haphazard parenting I was in no hurry to hand over my baby, in spite of my exhaustion. She never missed an opportunity to critique my parenting, particularly my breastfeeding which she didn’t approve of. Later on, when her own daughters had babies there were many “near misses” while she was caring for them so my instincts were spot on.
She never relented though! My youngest was a very clingy baby and toddler. I overheard her one day saying to her “ Wouldn’t you like to stay at Nanny’s house on your own, without Mummy” to which DD replied “Yes, when I’m a big grown up lady”
She is a big grown up lady now and I am determined that if she or my sons’ partners have children I will support them through those early days with shopping, cooking, laundry etc like my Mum did for me. When I was totally exhausted with my newborn she would step in and do chores, never suggest taking the baby.

If you give in now, I suspect it will only get worse. If your baby had a day with each grandparent you'd barely get any time for yourself with baby! Why should she have a whole day!! It's completely unnecessary.

@MsMillyMollyMandy Crikey, you've just reminded me of my in laws.
One time, when DD was 2 months old and we were sitting down to dinner, I was umming and aahing about where to put her down so I could eat (we were at theirs and hadn't brought the rocker seat). FIL suggested propping her up on the sofa with some cushions...meaning she would be alone and out of sight in the living room, in a very precarious position at an age when she couldn't even hold her own head up, while we ate in the next room! At first I laughed because I thought he was joking, but no, he was serious, and then laughed at ME for being "overprotective" and made jokes about it all through dinner.
My MIL also thought it would be Ok to use an adult sized, thick woolly blanket for DD's cot when she was a newborn despite all of the warnings about overheating/suffocation.
Meanwhile my own mum asked why I couldn't just hold DD on my lap in the car while DH drives, because she didn't think the car seat was comfortable.
I mean, they managed to bring us up obviously but they have zero clue about the current safety advice. I wouldn't let any of them look after DD without me being nearby.
OP has had some good advice already, don't leave baby until you're comfortable doing so!