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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don’t want to leave my baby!

107 replies

Pineapples1986 · 29/09/2021 16:59

I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby girl. Unless I have something I really need to do or am absolutely shattered from consecutive nights of no / very little sleep, I don’t want to leave her with someone else, ‘just because’. I know people say you need a break but generally, I don’t feel this way. My MIL is currently pushing to take her for a day a week. I know I should be glad of the offer of help and lots of people would jump at the chance, but I don’t currently want to be away from her for that long! The thought of not knowing where she is, as she likes to go out and about a lot and would be taking her with her, also gives me anxiety. But asking her to ‘report in’ with what she plans to do with her, I know would come across as ‘controlling’. She sees her at least twice a week anyway so it’s not like she isn’t involved with her granddaughter, but I don’t feel ready for her to look after her a regular, set day a week and me be apart from her for that long. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

FloconDeNeige · 30/09/2021 07:30

But a friend had a baby the same day as me and she went out-out and left her with a babysitter on day 5!

And? Doesn’t mean she loves her child any less than you or that you’re a superior mother.

The fact that she was able to do that on day 5 PP is pretty amazing - I was in hospital for 2.5 weeks - but everyone is different.

Caspianberg · 30/09/2021 07:31

I wouldn’t have either at 3 months.

Tbh Ds is 17 months. He doesn’t have to go to childcare yet so I wouldn’t want him gone for a while day every week either. A few hours ie a morning would be better.

At 3 months if she wants to help and your happy I would only suggest she comes over and watches baby at house or takes on short walk so you have an hour to take a bath or something.

careerchangeperhaps · 30/09/2021 07:32

This was the main reason that I stuck with breastfeeding for so long. I was more than ready to give up at around 6-8 weeks and then I realised that exclusive breastfeeding was the only excuse I could use that would stop DMIL from pestering 'to have the baby' constantly .
It's fine to say no. Your baby your rules, but I understand how difficult this is (hence my above situation).

Babynames2 · 30/09/2021 07:34

I barely left DD1 with DH at that age! You don’t have to leave them until you’re ready. DD1 wasn’t babysat she was 2 and a half and I was in labour with DD2 (she did go to nursery at 1 though). My mum pushed to have her from a few weeks old but it never happened.

DD2 was babysat at 6 months because we moved house. They’re both babysat around once a month now (DD2 is 18 months now), but still only if I’ve got something I want/need to do. If you don’t feel like leaving them it’s fine. Just tell your MIL that when you are ready then you’ll be grateful of the help and tell your partner to tell her to stop asking.

I’m due DC3 soon, around the time my DD1 would have parents evening at school. My mum has already been suggesting she look after DC3 who would be less than a week old at most and was very offended when I said I would not be leaving such a young baby with anyone (other than DH), some people are strangely obsessed with looking after babies.

flowery · 30/09/2021 07:35

“That’s very kind but I’m not planning to go back to work for a while yet so we don’t need the childcare. Please don’t keep offering.”

dray9925 · 30/09/2021 07:35

I left my son with my mum for a few hours on my birthday when he was 5 months but I lived with her so I put him down for the night and she just popped in when he stirred. I missed him like crazy and I was breastfeeding so that didn't help. If I had another I wouldn't do it again. I think my son was over one when my in-laws had him for the first time. He's not clingy at all he happily goes to both sets of grandparents for sleep overs now hes 4 don't do it if you are t ready it's not worth the upset it will cause you xxx

gogohm · 30/09/2021 07:37

I didn't leave mine, but you do need to nap when your baby is sleeping in the daytime!

CyclingIsNotOuting · 30/09/2021 07:38

YANBU, she’s 3 months!
I didn’t leave mine with anyone until they were 2. That’s when I felt comfortable doing so. I couldn’t get a f what other people think of that!

Pantaloony · 30/09/2021 07:42

Not unreasonable at all, you should be with your daughter! Everyone goes a bit mad when you have a baby and see it as their new play thing or accessory. I found now my baby is a toddler the novelty has worn off and people are not so interested now. Do not feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want. Baby needs her mum right now and no one else.

diddl · 30/09/2021 07:56

What does she want to do that she can't do with you there?

Helpful would surely be-you go out for a walk with your baby & I'll sort out the pots/laundry?

Or you go for a rest & I'll be downstairs entertaining baby or take for a short walk nearby.

GoodnightGrandma · 30/09/2021 07:56

Until mine were 2 and went to play school , the only person I left mine with was MY mum, for a couple of hours while I had a quick meal out.
You decide where your baby goes.

HumunaHey · 30/09/2021 08:13

@FloconDeNeige

But a friend had a baby the same day as me and she went out-out and left her with a babysitter on day 5!

And? Doesn’t mean she loves her child any less than you or that you’re a superior mother.

The fact that she was able to do that on day 5 PP is pretty amazing - I was in hospital for 2.5 weeks - but everyone is different.

The PP didn't say her friend didn't love her DC or that she was superior.

Dragongirl10 · 30/09/2021 08:18

Op please stand firm, imagine how your baby feels, she is safe and feels secure with you, you are her world, she doesn't understand if you have to leave her for a few hours, all she knows is that her security has gone...

Unless you NEED a break which it doesn't sound like you do, then just say no.

Ionsion · 30/09/2021 08:18

It sounds like she wants to spend time with your baby without you being there at the same time but is dressing it up as her trying to help. My own mother in law did the same after I had my baby but I saw right through it because she’s never been nice to me so I knew her intentions weren’t genuine.

PurBal · 30/09/2021 08:20

DS is 11 weeks and I’m looking forward to when someone can take him. But he’s EBF and still tiny. No way would I consider it yet. I get nervous when DH takes him for an hour (in case he needs feeding). YANBU.

Lalliella · 30/09/2021 08:24

You need to get your DH on board with this to sort his mum out and tell her gently but firmly that you won’t be leaving baby with anyone just now and could she please stop asking. Don’t fall out with her though, it’s nice she wants to be involved and she could be handy for childcare if you go back to work.

Sorry about your DM

MattyGroves · 30/09/2021 08:24

YANBU to feel this way at this stage but you are also really lucky to have this family support available to you. We haven't had a night away as a couple since our 5 year old was born because we have no one to have them overnight.

The time will likely come when you are really glad of the help. So be nice to your MIL about it and don't burn that bridge. Don't do a day a week right now but maybe look out for a baby class that they could do together in a few months.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2021 08:28

Just say you’d love that but when she’s a little bigger as yoire not ready yet

Trust me the time will come when you leap at her offer 😃

EnjoyingTheSilence · 30/09/2021 08:41

Some people really want that break - just because. Some don’t. Neither is right, neither is wrong. It just is.

You don’t want to be away from your baby and that is fine, you do what’s right for you and Mil will just have to wait until you are ready. Yanbu at all, you mil can ask but she should accept your answer and not make you feel bad.

diddl · 30/09/2021 08:44

"but you are also really lucky to have this family support available to you."

It's not support (imo) if MIL is just badgering Op for something that she wants, not something that Op wants.

Why is help always taking the baby away?

Summersnake · 30/09/2021 08:51

My 4 kids didn’t go anywhere without me for at least the first 18 months .all adults now and doing fine

FatBettyintheCoop · 30/09/2021 08:55

We had no grandparents alive to help us and whilst it would have been really useful when I was ill or had a migraine, I coped.

Whilst it’s nice for the child to have a relationship with other family members, it won’t make much difference to a baby until they’re walking and talking. So don’t be guilted into doing anything you’re not 100% comfortable with.

BiscuitLover09876 · 30/09/2021 08:56

Noooo way would I have done that at 3 months old. Stand your ground. You can always blame it on hormones later if it makes you uncomfortable. Do what feels right for you and your baby.

BiscuitLover09876 · 30/09/2021 08:57

And I agree that for me with a toddler, now is when I really want the help. 🤣

DeepaBeesKit · 30/09/2021 09:00

From a purely biological perspective, absent modern availability of formula a baby so young would have to be with its mother constantly to breastfeed, and it's that which drives your sense that your baby ought to be with you, even if you've chosen to formula feed your brain knows that a very small baby ought to stay with mum. That sense won't be as strong in everyone but it's completely normal for you to feel it and follow it.

Plenty of time for MiL to have baby later on when you & your baby are more ready for her to be away from you a bit.

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