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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this comment

112 replies

bambi1132 · 29/09/2021 11:46

So as not to drip feed we are a one income family DH being the only earner.
I told DH I need a new coat for autumn/winter as I put the one I have on yesterday and it's tight. I can zip it up but it's not comfortable, I definitely won't be able to wear it in winter with a jumper.
He asked why I need a new one and I told him my current one doesn't fit very well. And he said "well you need to lose weight then" I was shocked at this comment! I didn't even say anything back. I am overweight, we both know this, and I struggle with it. I have binge eating disorder which he is aware of.
I told him later on it has hurt my feelings and he just repeated what he said! He claimed I'm losing weight (I'm not) so he didn't want to pay for one now for it to not fit when I lose weight. I understand this logic but he's gone about it in a horrible way. He knows my weight has crept up over the last couple of years and even if I do start losing weight now it won't be enough for the coat to fit me in time for the colder weather.
Am I being too sensitive?
I should add I don't expect an expensive coat by any means, I'd be happy with a second hand one just to see me through winter.

OP posts:
Returnoftheowl · 29/09/2021 11:49

You're not bring too sensitive... What he said isn't nice and wasn't done in a nice way.

Shoxfordian · 29/09/2021 11:50

He’s a knob
Is he always this controlling over money?

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 29/09/2021 11:50

Could he be trying to inspire you to deal with your binge eating disorder?

Does it comes from a place of concern? Or do you believe he is being cruel?

Binge eating is often very expensive, is this at back of his mind?

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 29/09/2021 11:50

No I dont think you're being over sensitive at all

Flamingofeathers · 29/09/2021 11:51

To be honest, I think it’s a bit weird your husband begrudges you a coat no matter the circumstances, it’s hardly a massive luxury. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you think the same for him, or would you not think twice for him to get something so basic?

traintraveller · 29/09/2021 11:51

TBH I think he has a point however the fact you seem to have no access to money or can't just buy a coat is ridiculous.

5128gap · 29/09/2021 11:52

Do you have to ask him to buy everything you need as you need it? You need some autonomy. No one should need to have to ask for a basic like a coat and justify why they need it.
Whether he thinks you need to lose weight or not, or whether he has the right to mention that is debatable. But controlling your access to essentials is definitely not on.

LJAKS · 29/09/2021 11:52

Is there a reason he's the only earner? For example if you are a SAHM is there a reason it isn't household money. I don't like that you're in a position of having to beg for essentials and for him to be able to deny them. Do you qualify for dla/child benefit/uc anything at all that will give you some source of income. Maybe give financial abuse a wee Google... Thanks

Shoxfordian · 29/09/2021 11:52

Do you have access to the money?

cultkid · 29/09/2021 11:54

Buy a new coat, he isn't in charge. but can you address your eating disorder too? It sounds like a cycle of self loathing and possibly the fact he sounds like a knob May form part of the basis for your illness

Lots of love xx

Sally872 · 29/09/2021 11:55

Being the sole earner doesn't mean he gives permission (or not) for an essential item. That is outrageous. Hurtful as a joke, but sounds like he actually means it.

Jellycatspyjamas · 29/09/2021 11:56

You should be able to buy a coat when you need it - he’s being an arse, I’d have been hurt by that comment too.

EllieSattler · 29/09/2021 11:59

Could he be trying to inspire you to deal with your binge eating disorder?
Buy a new coat, he isn't in charge. but can you address your eating disorder too?

Typical fucking MN. Yeah the OP can just magically fucking cure herself of a medical condition and lose a stone or two in the next fortnight. Her husband telling her to just be cold will totally make that happen and not leave her feeling like shit at all.

Wallabyone · 29/09/2021 11:59

He was very rude.

You should not have to justify why you need a new coat. It's awful that you can't just go and buy one and have to ask for it like a child.

I am a SAHM for now, and unless I'm making any massive purchases then he doesn't know what I'm buying on a day to day basis.

Dixiechickonhols · 29/09/2021 12:00

You have no access to money? That’s not normal. You need to be able to buy yourself a coat without needing his permission, he’s not your dad giving you pocket money.
Maybe time to reassess set up.
Tone is everything. Initial comment May be misguided attempt to motivate you - you are losing weight it will soon fit. After you told him you were upset he shouldn’t have repeated it.

Eastie77Returns · 29/09/2021 12:03

It's very sad that you are so dependent on this man and you are content to wear a second hand coat.

Is there any way you can work, even part-time?

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 29/09/2021 12:05

@EllieSattler

Could he be trying to inspire you to deal with your binge eating disorder? Buy a new coat, he isn't in charge. but can you address your eating disorder too?

Typical fucking MN. Yeah the OP can just magically fucking cure herself of a medical condition and lose a stone or two in the next fortnight. Her husband telling her to just be cold will totally make that happen and not leave her feeling like shit at all.

Yes because saying to try to “address your eating disorder” Is the same as “fucking cure herself”

Typical fucking.. drama llama

HailAdrian · 29/09/2021 12:06

He sounds controlling financially, which makes him a dick. However, I'm sure plenty of mumsnetters would have no qualms about telling their husbands to lose some weight (I mean, I've seen enough along the lines of 'I find my fat DH a turn off, aibu?' threads to say this with confidence).

HailAdrian · 29/09/2021 12:07

It's very sad that you are so dependent on this man and you are content to wear a second hand coat.

And this is just daft, more people should buy secondhand as standard ffs.

interest12 · 29/09/2021 12:08

Can you not buy yourself a coat? Does he control your access to money? This is much more concerning than a comment re your weight.

girlmom21 · 29/09/2021 12:10

he didn't want to pay for one now

He isn't paying for it, surely? If you're a one income family do you have a family pot of money?

If not, do you have to justify every single purchase and he gets to decide whether you deserve it?

Cocomarine · 29/09/2021 12:11

Yes, it’s hurtful.

I’d be less hurt by the comment and really fucking angry that I was expected to justify buying something though.

You shouldn’t be asking for money.
If it’s a joint account and you have free access but money is tight and you both have to check in before spending, you still shouldn’t have to justify it, just plan it.

girlmom21 · 29/09/2021 12:11

I've just realised a lot of us are focussing on the money aspect but YANBU to be upset about the weight comment at all!

DrManhattan · 29/09/2021 12:14

Very mean, both with money and the weight comment imo

cultkid · 29/09/2021 12:15

Agree with Adrian on buying second hand 100%