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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this comment

112 replies

bambi1132 · 29/09/2021 11:46

So as not to drip feed we are a one income family DH being the only earner.
I told DH I need a new coat for autumn/winter as I put the one I have on yesterday and it's tight. I can zip it up but it's not comfortable, I definitely won't be able to wear it in winter with a jumper.
He asked why I need a new one and I told him my current one doesn't fit very well. And he said "well you need to lose weight then" I was shocked at this comment! I didn't even say anything back. I am overweight, we both know this, and I struggle with it. I have binge eating disorder which he is aware of.
I told him later on it has hurt my feelings and he just repeated what he said! He claimed I'm losing weight (I'm not) so he didn't want to pay for one now for it to not fit when I lose weight. I understand this logic but he's gone about it in a horrible way. He knows my weight has crept up over the last couple of years and even if I do start losing weight now it won't be enough for the coat to fit me in time for the colder weather.
Am I being too sensitive?
I should add I don't expect an expensive coat by any means, I'd be happy with a second hand one just to see me through winter.

OP posts:
3scape · 29/09/2021 12:56

Tell him to just learn some empathy. As obviously everything is as easy as just deciding to do it Hmm.

NightVinca · 29/09/2021 12:56

Yanbu. Very rude

Franklyfrost · 29/09/2021 12:56

I’m sorry that’s a horrible thing to be told. You deserve to be loved and kept warm regardless of what size you are.

Boredhimtodeath · 29/09/2021 12:58

Does it comes from a place of concern? Or do you believe he is being cruel?

Yes he is being cruel, this is obvious by the fact he will make her go without a coat that fits in winter and therefore be cold. A place of concern would consider her comfort.

sadie9 · 29/09/2021 12:58

If you know you can afford it buy the **&&ing coat!
Don't let his words get into your brain. Just buy the coat.

He's not your Dad. He's not the boss of you.
You do your job as a SAHM. It's the best and WORST job in the world, we all know that.
Buy the Coat!! It's your money too.
And stop the Dobby the House Elf act around him.
When you come home with the coat say 'Look I bought a coat, I figured the coat would cost you less than a divorce.'

Original poster
bambi1132 · 29/09/2021 12:58

@Sparklfairy

No one should have to go cap in hand to their partner to ask for basic clothing.

Yep. I had a relationship like this and it was completely demoralising and degrading.

OP what is the "certain amount" you usually ask permission to buy something?

He's the kind of person who thinks you can live with just 1 coat and 1 pair of shoes. And because I have 2 other jackets and my coat zips up he doesn't think I need a new coat. To him it's just as simple as - lose weight and the coat will fit
OP posts:
NightVinca · 29/09/2021 12:59

So you only get to be warm this winter if you lose weight first?. Nice

QueenoftheKarens · 29/09/2021 13:00

@Embroidery

Good god! This thread is a perfect example on why to never ever be dependant to a man.

I would leave him.

Can you get a job? Do you have kids?
Or just start leaving? Get a credit card and dont pay the bill? You dont owe him any explaination. Book into a hotel on the credit card?

Lol. What terrible advice get a credit card and don't pay the bill. What planet do you live on? Why fuck your credit rating for a coat. Ffs.
Wildheartsease · 29/09/2021 13:02

I'd be looking at him as weight that you could easily lose!

Binge-eating disorder is hardly a life-choice - and certainly not your fault... I wonder if he is partly to blame for it though. His attitude doesn't create a great environment for dealing with such a disorder.

Pinkdelight3 · 29/09/2021 13:03

He's the kind of person who thinks you can live with just 1 coat and 1 pair of shoes.

Although you say he has several coats, some unworn, so it's only you who has to live without. Sod him. Buy what you need from the joint money. You don't need his permission.

Underpaidsnackbitch · 29/09/2021 13:04

He won't mind doing all the outside 'jobs' school runs, park visits etc when the cold weather gets here then, will he? You can't go out without a coat!
On a serious note he is being a dick and you shouldn't be made to feel humiliated when needing an essential item of clothing just because he is currently the main wage earner.

LittleGwyneth · 29/09/2021 13:05

That is a terrible thing to say to you, and he should not be controlling you financially like this. You should have access to some discretionary money while you need it.

Original poster
bambi1132 · 29/09/2021 13:05

I kept my eating disorder to myself for a long time and it took me a lot of courage to tell him. Since then it rarely gets mentioned. I want to go to therapy for it but I'll do that when I start working.
I don't want to go off on a tangent to do with money I just needed clarification whether I was just being silly. This is the first time he's told me to lose weight.
I have text him since saying that I still feel hurt and the fact that he doesn't realise he's hurt me is worrying

OP posts:
Original poster
bambi1132 · 29/09/2021 13:07

@Underpaidsnackbitch

He won't mind doing all the outside 'jobs' school runs, park visits etc when the cold weather gets here then, will he? You can't go out without a coat! On a serious note he is being a dick and you shouldn't be made to feel humiliated when needing an essential item of clothing just because he is currently the main wage earner.
Ha he doesn't even walk the dog if it's raining and it's me who walks to and from school 3 times a day
OP posts:
5128gap · 29/09/2021 13:08

Your H sounds angry with you OP and resentful. Whether this is because he doesn't like your weight or doesn't like that you don't earn money, or maybe both, his comment is an insight into his feelings. I think a conversation is called for where he is honest with you rather than letting his feelings seep out in this passive aggressive way.

Sparklfairy · 29/09/2021 13:08

He's the kind of person who thinks you can live with just 1 coat and 1 pair of shoes.

That argument only works if the same rules apply to him, which they clearly don't.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 29/09/2021 13:19

Is he the type who sees everything in black and white, so imp you have a coat and it doesn't fit, lose weight. Someone has a problem with alcohol, stop drinking.

It's not hopeful dressing such as buying a bikini in a smaller size so you have a goal. This isn't about goals but practicality.

Original poster
bambi1132 · 29/09/2021 13:28

@ilovemydogandmrobama2

Is he the type who sees everything in black and white, so imp you have a coat and it doesn't fit, lose weight. Someone has a problem with alcohol, stop drinking.

It's not hopeful dressing such as buying a bikini in a smaller size so you have a goal. This isn't about goals but practicality.

Yes he's very black and white. If I need the coat to fit by next winter we'd be fine!
OP posts:
sadie9 · 29/09/2021 13:30

"Since then it rarely gets mentioned".
How much of this is your responsibility to mention your eating disorder and really help him understand how it affects you. He isn't a mind reader and you can't expect him to be.
Lots of the counselling colleges provide low cost counselling with senior trainees who are thoroughly supervised. You could look into something like that that could help you currently.
Rather than push the therapy away into the future.

JustLyra · 29/09/2021 13:30

That was a nasty comment to make - it's not remotely surprising that he has multiple coats.

Please don't wait until you start working to access help for your eating disorder - a time when you'll be busier and likely more stressed is a time where having help already set up will be invaluable.

I also think you should consider setting up so that both you and your DH have "spends" in your own accounts so that you have a pot of money that you can buy yourself things from without having to ask because it's not healthy to be asking all the time.

Explosivefarts · 29/09/2021 13:33

Controlling twat you need a new jacket end of

Porridgealert · 29/09/2021 13:38

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Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 29/09/2021 13:39

I wouldn't wait to get your mental health in check. If you know you have a problem, then you need to make a start on addressing it.

Sometimes living with someone with mental health problems can be very tiring and draining. You both probably feel awful.

Buy yourself a coat. You don't need to ask.

But also ring your GP and do some online research.

JustLyra · 29/09/2021 13:42

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MakingM · 29/09/2021 13:43

@Cocomarine

Yes, it’s hurtful.

I’d be less hurt by the comment and really fucking angry that I was expected to justify buying something though.

You shouldn’t be asking for money.
If it’s a joint account and you have free access but money is tight and you both have to check in before spending, you still shouldn’t have to justify it, just plan it.

Yes, this would be my response too.

Sorry he’s being a to you OP. Hope he comes to his senses, apologises and treats you with more respect. Flowers

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