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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this comment

112 replies

bambi1132 · 29/09/2021 11:46

So as not to drip feed we are a one income family DH being the only earner.
I told DH I need a new coat for autumn/winter as I put the one I have on yesterday and it's tight. I can zip it up but it's not comfortable, I definitely won't be able to wear it in winter with a jumper.
He asked why I need a new one and I told him my current one doesn't fit very well. And he said "well you need to lose weight then" I was shocked at this comment! I didn't even say anything back. I am overweight, we both know this, and I struggle with it. I have binge eating disorder which he is aware of.
I told him later on it has hurt my feelings and he just repeated what he said! He claimed I'm losing weight (I'm not) so he didn't want to pay for one now for it to not fit when I lose weight. I understand this logic but he's gone about it in a horrible way. He knows my weight has crept up over the last couple of years and even if I do start losing weight now it won't be enough for the coat to fit me in time for the colder weather.
Am I being too sensitive?
I should add I don't expect an expensive coat by any means, I'd be happy with a second hand one just to see me through winter.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 29/09/2021 13:46

@Porridgealert why don't you go out for a nice relaxing walk. It burns more calories and is more productive than bashing abuse to strangers on your keyboard.

Wellydumpling · 29/09/2021 13:46
  1. YANBU, he’s being a dick.
  2. My ExH was like this. It was a hideous relationship and it’s not normal. Financial inequality was the tip of the iceberg for us, I really hope it isn’t for you too- but the fact that he’s made this comment and ‘won’t even walk the dog’ suggests it might be.
  3. Ex was also military. How much military kit does he have in duplicate OP?
Porridgealert · 29/09/2021 13:47

@JustLyra. Hey, I binge eat. I diet but don't get very far. I'm asking if I should be doing something else. WTF is rude about that?

Porridgealert · 29/09/2021 13:49

[quote Sparklfairy]@Porridgealert why don't you go out for a nice relaxing walk. It burns more calories and is more productive than bashing abuse to strangers on your keyboard.[/quote]
I'm asking for help and you're not helping me. Relaxing walks burn next to no calories.

JustLyra · 29/09/2021 13:50

[quote Porridgealert]@JustLyra. Hey, I binge eat. I diet but don't get very far. I'm asking if I should be doing something else. WTF is rude about that?[/quote]
You know fine well what was rude about your post.

Sparklfairy · 29/09/2021 13:51

@Porridgealert you're not entitled to help by demanding it and hijacking OP's thread which is not about diet and weightloss. Start your own thread on the appropriate board, and drop the sarcasm, it's not a good look.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 29/09/2021 13:52

YANBU OP, it was a very hurtful comment. And you shouldn’t have to ask his permission for basic needs.
I would go out and buy a fabulous, expensive coat now just to piss him off. But I’m petty.

Explosivefarts · 29/09/2021 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

DressBitch · 29/09/2021 13:53

He's the kind of person who thinks you can live with just 1 coat and 1 pair of shoes.

Well, he's not, because you say he has several coats himself.

He's the kind of person who thinks his wife can just live with 1 coat and 1 pair of shoes...

pelosi · 29/09/2021 13:55

He's the kind of person who thinks you can live with just 1 coat and 1 pair of shoes.

But this doesn’t apply to him as he has several suitable coats and you have none!

He’s a hypocrite and a twat.

But that coat. Stop telling him what you’re buying unless they’re big purchases.

pelosi · 29/09/2021 13:55

*buy

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 29/09/2021 13:55

Guys @Porridgealert isn't being sarcastic or rude... I know it reads like that straight away, but read it a few more times and you pick up on the fact that she's realised she's not a fat lazy cow but she actually has a problem!

And would also like support like OP.

Hankunamatata · 29/09/2021 13:59

Crikey if you lose weight or not. You need a new coat. That shouldn't involve a discussion. You should be able to buy a coat

ILoveShula · 29/09/2021 14:09

I'm sure I've read this exact thread before

Hugoslavia · 29/09/2021 14:11

As someone who also overeats, buying larger clothes can be a bit of a slippery slope. But he handled it terribly. In order to lose weight, it really helps to start off motivated and with high self esteem. He needs to know that.

HannaHanna · 29/09/2021 14:15

Yes, it’s hurtful and most everyone would be upset by it. And he should know this is a rude, hurtful thing to do.

Do you think it was his intent to be hurtful or that it comes from a rude place?

Either way it’s not ok, but understanding where it comes from might help you discuss it with him.

Also, you said he’s practical and very black and white. He can think everyone only needs one coat, but needs to understand that almost no one else lives that way unless they must. His practical ways are not superior and if you don’t want to live that way you should not have to do so.

QueeniesCroft · 29/09/2021 14:17

What has happened previously when you have "disobeyed" him?

Somethingsnappy · 29/09/2021 14:20

@Porridgealert, it's hard to tell from the tone of your first post if you were being sarcastic or genuinely having an epiphany. If you weren't being unpleasant, as has been interpreted, then let me answer you. No, not all people who are overweight binge eat, by any means. It is classed as a disorder, in the same way that bulimia or anorexia is. It is definitely worth raising the issue with your GP, as you will hopefully be able to access suitable help. I hope that helps.

Bobsyer · 29/09/2021 14:21

Horrible.

Being fat doesn’t mean you also need to be punished by having to wear clothing that doesn’t fit or is just cheap and nasty.

I would just buy yourself a coat OP. I get why you ‘ask’ (my husband does it too as I’m the sole earner) but the difference is that I just say ok get yourself a new one then. Or take an interest in whatever he’s looking at.

Flowers
CatsBooksAndCoffee · 29/09/2021 14:21

@Flamingofeathers

To be honest, I think it’s a bit weird your husband begrudges you a coat no matter the circumstances, it’s hardly a massive luxury. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you think the same for him, or would you not think twice for him to get something so basic?
This
NamechangeApril21 · 29/09/2021 14:31

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Could he be trying to inspire you to deal with your binge eating disorder?

Does it comes from a place of concern? Or do you believe he is being cruel?

Binge eating is often very expensive, is this at back of his mind?

ODFOD
Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 29/09/2021 14:43

It wasn't the best comment in the world. But it also wasn't the worst.

What he said was 100% true. And the truth often hurts.

This is a time to sit down together and talk about things, openly and honestly

He needs to be supportive of you getting better but you also need to make a positive effort.

Waiting until you go back to work to do anything about your binge eating isn't going to help you or your marriage. Him not having the understanding or empathy to help will not help you or your marriage.

You do need to get help. Which is always the scariest bit. Take the plunge OP. You are worth it. You deserve happiness and a clear mind. Don't let yourself tell yourself otherwise. You can get help. You are worth it. And it will be OK.

But you must take the first step.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 29/09/2021 14:45

@Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse

It wasn't the best comment in the world. But it also wasn't the worst.

What he said was 100% true. And the truth often hurts.

This is a time to sit down together and talk about things, openly and honestly

He needs to be supportive of you getting better but you also need to make a positive effort.

Waiting until you go back to work to do anything about your binge eating isn't going to help you or your marriage. Him not having the understanding or empathy to help will not help you or your marriage.

You do need to get help. Which is always the scariest bit. Take the plunge OP. You are worth it. You deserve happiness and a clear mind. Don't let yourself tell yourself otherwise. You can get help. You are worth it. And it will be OK.

But you must take the first step.

If you only read one post OP

Make it this one

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 29/09/2021 14:45

Sell the coats he doesn't wear and buy yourself a new one . What he said was cruel

ancientgeordiegirl · 29/09/2021 14:47

For a few years my DH and I were a one salary family when I was studying and having / looking after 3 kids. I only started earning a regular (small) income when my youngest was 5. However we viewed our joint account as our joint account and I was free to spend as I liked - in reality supermarket shops and stuff for the children mainly but obviously clothes and things for me like make up etc. I used to joke with my DH that he was lucky I was a high street shopper and not a designer girl. I never asked him what to spend even if it was for a rug for the house costing a few hundred £. I would have been insulted as to my mind that would have suggested I was a lesser partner in the marriage, a child not a grown woman asking permission to buy a coat. I was putting a lot of work into the house as "Nanny", housekeeper, admin (all insurances, bills, car stuff), driver (for kids activities), Cook etc. etc. As I used to complain to him he only worked 5 days a week whereas I worked 7 days a week without a break - he has a very demanding job and didn't do much around the house at all in those days. Now the kids are older we are far more even as a partnership even though he still earned at least 10 x my salary as I only work part-time, what you put into a marriage is not all about money - just think how he'd cope without you and remind him that he saves a lot of money getting your la bour free!