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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this comment

112 replies

bambi1132 · 29/09/2021 11:46

So as not to drip feed we are a one income family DH being the only earner.
I told DH I need a new coat for autumn/winter as I put the one I have on yesterday and it's tight. I can zip it up but it's not comfortable, I definitely won't be able to wear it in winter with a jumper.
He asked why I need a new one and I told him my current one doesn't fit very well. And he said "well you need to lose weight then" I was shocked at this comment! I didn't even say anything back. I am overweight, we both know this, and I struggle with it. I have binge eating disorder which he is aware of.
I told him later on it has hurt my feelings and he just repeated what he said! He claimed I'm losing weight (I'm not) so he didn't want to pay for one now for it to not fit when I lose weight. I understand this logic but he's gone about it in a horrible way. He knows my weight has crept up over the last couple of years and even if I do start losing weight now it won't be enough for the coat to fit me in time for the colder weather.
Am I being too sensitive?
I should add I don't expect an expensive coat by any means, I'd be happy with a second hand one just to see me through winter.

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 29/09/2021 12:16

I might have a spare coat if you want to PM me your size.

Original poster
bambi1132 · 29/09/2021 12:17

Sorry I'll try and respond to everyone.
I have access to money, we have a joint account but I generally ask ( I can't think of a better word, not ask but tell him I need something and most of the time it's ok) if it's over a certain amount.
I have no support from him re my eating disorder. He isn't very good at dealing with these things.
He has several coats one of which he's never worn. He says I have other coats I can wear but they are my dog walking rain coats (of which I have 2) and they are just thin jackets.
I can't change my eating disorder overnight. Trust me I would rather not have it.
I am looking for a job but he is military so I have to try and work around that, my DS is primary age and my DD is in pre-school for just 15 hours a week (3 hours a day in the afternoon) so it's hard finding something to fit around that. I desperately want to work and have my own money.
And yes it's not about the money, it's the comment about my weight.

OP posts:
BeepingBB · 29/09/2021 12:19

Have you looked on eBay op?

I got a really nice Zara coat for £15 last week.

Original poster
bambi1132 · 29/09/2021 12:20

@SunshineCake1

I might have a spare coat if you want to PM me your size.
This is very kind of you but I couldn't 💗
OP posts:
Original poster
bambi1132 · 29/09/2021 12:20

@BeepingBB

Have you looked on eBay op?

I got a really nice Zara coat for £15 last week.

I have been looking and I've been looking on Vinted
OP posts:
SylvanasWindrunner · 29/09/2021 12:30

No one should have to go cap in hand to their partner to ask for basic clothing. Do you have any financial autonomy, OP? Do you have access to money other than what he allows you to spend?

Yes, he was spectacularly thoughtless and unkind, but I'd be more worried about your financial set-up tbh.

Embroidery · 29/09/2021 12:31

Good god! This thread is a perfect example on why to never ever be dependant to a man.

I would leave him.

Can you get a job? Do you have kids?
Or just start leaving? Get a credit card and dont pay the bill? You dont owe him any explaination. Book into a hotel on the credit card?

SylvanasWindrunner · 29/09/2021 12:33

Oh the update hadn't loaded for me, sorry! Just spend the money on a coat - you can get decent ones from the supermarkets for £20 or £30. Don't ask, just buy it. Don't tiptoe around or walk on egg shells - you need a coat, that's as simple as it is. I find it quite worrying that you are at the whim of whether he accepts you need something or not Sad

Leftbutcameback · 29/09/2021 12:38

That's very hurtful, and not helpful either. You being cold or feeling uncomfortable isn't acceptable, buy the coat if you can access the money (you sound like you can) and if it needs adjusting later a tailor can do that. Good luck OP.

kateg27 · 29/09/2021 12:40

If you desperately want to work, go for it. It will give you some independence and may also help your confidence. You won't feel the need to ask for money either. Also if you both work, you'll qualify for 30 hours of childcare per week, not just 15.
In regards to his lose weight comment, did he say it nastily, or was it just an obvious comment. Are you massively overweight or just a little bit? I'm sorry you are having to deal with your eating disorder on you own with no support from him.

mynameisbrian · 29/09/2021 12:40

You need a new coat so buy one. Your either an equal partner in the relationship or not. The fact your asking if you can buy a coat says it all really. Do you really need his permission? I could understand if it was a big purchase, this is an item of clothing. Think it is time to exert yourself.

Sparklfairy · 29/09/2021 12:41

No one should have to go cap in hand to their partner to ask for basic clothing.

Yep. I had a relationship like this and it was completely demoralising and degrading.

OP what is the "certain amount" you usually ask permission to buy something?

RudestLittleMadam · 29/09/2021 12:46

It’s a bit shit to resent you wanting a new coat whatever your reasoning but it’s especially shit in this scenario with the way he’s gone about it.

You don’t need his permission to buy new clothes (hopefully- major red flags if you do) so bollocks to him, go buy a new coat for yourself.

Wife2b · 29/09/2021 12:47

I’m the first one to roll my eyes at usual dramatic comments calling out alleged controlling behaviour but OP this IS controlling. I’d tell him to stop being so selfish and to think about your needs, tell him you don’t need his approval and will be buying one with or without his ‘consent’. Supermarket ones are reasonably priced and now is the perfect time to buy before the cold weather really sets in. I bought myself a new one last week for £42 but they had cheaper ones in the £20-£30 bracket. Selfish sod he is! Take away his winter coat and see how he feels 🙄

QueenoftheKarens · 29/09/2021 12:48

Just get yourself the coat. And ingore him. :)

EmmalineC · 29/09/2021 12:49

If you live anywhere near me, I would be happy to trawl charity shops with you and find you a decent coat at a bargain price.

Your husband is rude and unsupportive. Telling someone with an eating disorder to lose weight is like telling an alcoholic to stop drinking.

Have you accessed online support? Have a look at Beat, the eating disorders charity, they have some great resources.

Chikapu · 29/09/2021 12:50

Get a credit card and don't pay the bill?

What kind of advice is that? Who do you suggest pays the bill then, OP will be liable for any debt she racks up in her own name.

Theunamedcat · 29/09/2021 12:51

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Could he be trying to inspire you to deal with your binge eating disorder?

Does it comes from a place of concern? Or do you believe he is being cruel?

Binge eating is often very expensive, is this at back of his mind?

She could address it all she wants it still won't be cured with the snap of a finger she needs time support and a new coat
SunshineCake1 · 29/09/2021 12:51

Honestly, it is sitting in a bag doing nothing. You can.

Babyg1995 · 29/09/2021 12:52

Why can't you just go out and buy a cost why do you need to ask your husband for a coat Confused

Sparklfairy · 29/09/2021 12:52

I don't like his subtext of "I wouldn't have to part with my cash for a new coat for you if you just ate less."

Flame me if you want for reading too much into it, but I've lived with a similar dynamic and that would absolutely be what was meant.

Babyg1995 · 29/09/2021 12:54

Coat *

Brollywasntneededafterall · 29/09/2021 12:54

I remember losing 20 stone overnight and buying what the hell I wanted....

girlmom21 · 29/09/2021 12:54

I'm glad you do have access to money. Stop being so considerate of him as he's clearly inconsiderate towards you.

Go and buy a really bloody lovely coat.

TheFoundations · 29/09/2021 12:55

Do you generally feel that he loves, respects, and supports you, @bambi1132

I feel like there's a bit more of a backstory here?

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