DH is shocked by the reality of having a newborn

[WheelieBinPrincess]

I’m not being very sympathetic.

We are both shattered, like all new parents I guess.

When we first got the baby home a couple of weeks ago, he was quite chilled (the baby was, and to an extent DH was too) he thought things were easy! Unfortunately DS hasn’t slept well at night, he’s a bit nocturnal- he’ll do 90 min stretches just 3x throughout the night so you can’t get a proper sleep. During the day he was fabulous at napping initially but he’s not great at the moment, he gets bad wind after a feed, gets uncomfortable and needs about an hour of comforting/winding.

‘I didn’t think it would be like this’ said DH yesterday

I think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep so I’ve been doing the night shift, in the spare room with the baby, and trying to grab a few hours nap in the day, DH still has another week off work, but last night I’d had enough, I was dead on my feet, so I expressed some milk and handed over to DH.

I’ve just been into the bedroom to find DS sleeping peacefully, and DH practically rocking in a corner, ashen faced, like he has experienced a terrible and traumatic event.

I asked how he got on. ‘Not good’, he replied in shaky voice. I’ve got the baby now and he’s gone back to bed, in a strop, because I reminded him that it sounded like an entirely normal night to me.

AIBU (and possibly a bit of a martyr ?!)
But I wonder if DH pictured having a tiny baby as like having an agreeable little cat curled up in a corner, waking up for the odd feed and cuddle, letting us watch a box set of an evening and share a bottle of chianti.

When ds1 was born we were kept in for 4 nights. I'd got used to his nocturnal habits but dh didn't experience them.

On our first day home, ds was so relaxed and quiet all day and Dh was brilliant - I didn't move, he made a lovely meal, washed all our hospital clothes, did all the nappies etc.

Come 2am ds started really crying, as he had every night. Dh got progressively more agitated and lasted twenty minutes before proclaiming we were 'fucking idiots to have thought we could do this without using a dummy' and off out he marched, off to Tesco in his PJs at 2.30am for dummies He wouldn't be reasoned with.

I was fucking furious at the time, twenty minutes and he couldn't hack it - but I can look back and laugh at it now. It just took dh a while to get used to the reality.

Oh and the dummy did fuck all that night (or any other, he never took to it).

I tag teamed with my husband when he was back at work. You can then still get a decent stretch each.

[quote WheelieBinPrincess]@JustLyra the midwife looked in his mouth for all of two seconds and declared no tongue tie, and that it was very rare anyway, but I have wondered.[/quote]
I really would get a second opinion. It’s not that rare and posterior ties in particular aren’t always easy to spot.

Also try slightly tilting the end of your baby’s cot or crib as well (something like a rolled towel can be enough). If there is reflux involved (which again is way more common than any of the classes or books seem to suggest) that could help massively.

It’s a lottery when it comes to health visitors and tongue ties are way more common than some people think- my eldest was just like yours sounds OP, told no tongue tie but really struggled to latch and was massively windy/colicky after feeds either on boob or bottle, bf hurt for the first six months.
However with my second, had an amazing community midwife who helped in the local hospital tongue tie clinic. She diagnosed a posterior tongue tie which is actually very common but often goes missed. Had it snipped and my 3 month old has thrived since is barely ever too windy and feeds no longer than 15 mins at a time and is perfectly on his centile, I fully believe my eldest had the same and it was missed. Could be worth investigating,

Nothing useful to add but to echo how unknowing hose of us with newborns were.

I invested in a sewing machine ahead of our twins birth so I wouldn't be bored 🙄
The vision I had of spending my maternity leave serenely gliding around stately home gardens with a pram never materialised and instead I counted it as a good day if I got my teeth brushed once per day between breastfeeds.

The sewing machine gathered dust for ten years

@JustLyra on my wavelength there

@astoundedgoat

I think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep No you don't, you just whinge less.

We all felt like that. Newborns are the worst and NOTHING you read prepares you for how astonishingly awful it is. Buuuut it passes. You'll all sleep at some point.

Tell him to grow up. You feel just as shitty as he does, but you're not making a big song and dance about it as if you're the first person this has ever happened to.

Babies vary, I've had 4 and I had the good sleeper, I had two nightmares who wouldn't sleep and I had one who slept well and never cried when they woke. I would sneak into the bedroom to check and find baby playing with their hands or feet. I think it is just pot luck and you have to be prepared for the worst case scenario and be grateful if it is better than that.

I don't know if it might help someone who is struggling but the two who were bad sleepers have been easier for the rest of their lives. The worries I've had with the good sleepers have stopped me sleeping for years so maybe your poor sleeper will turn out to be a real joy.

Having said all that my DH coped much better at night than I did, he still seems very flexible about sleep, if he's doing something he enjoys he will happily stay up till 3 or 4 in the morning. If I don't get 8 hours I'm useless and it isn't because I whinge because I don't.

I did not fucking "enjoy" a moment of my PFB until he was solidly 5 months old and slept through a whole night (a freak occurrence which he then did not replicate for another ten months). I'm not sure what I would have said to a HV who asked me if I was "enjoying" my baby, but it wouldn't have been pretty.

If your baby is very restive, it may be worth considering overstimulation. Nobody told me that newborns don't just "fall asleep", they have to be helped to fall asleep and have their sleep managed for them, and we ended up in the vicious cycle of overtiredness/overstimulation preventing sleep. Things got much better once I started swaddling and putting PFB down after literally an hour awake, as well as cutting down on the sensory input a bit. Even now DS1 is very sensitive to his environment.

I mean, yeah, of course it's hard and he maybe might have anticipated that, but I do feel that nothing can really prepare you for HOW hard it is at the beginning. He should of course be pulling his weight and you should be holding him to that, but equally I think I'd probably also be a bit upset if I'd had a shit night with the baby and instead of 'Oh no that sounds rubbish, hard isn't it? Are you ok? Cup of tea?' I was met with 'Well it's like that every night! Suck it up!' Validating his feelings (even if you find them a bit frustrating) will get you much further as a team than squashing them,

I really can't deal with pathetic partners who don't do their share AT ALL.
My ex-husband was so useless he only ever changed one nappy and that was a huge bloody fuss and decided it would be a great idea to go and work abroad during my DS's first year of life leaving me in the UK on my own.
And this was with a baby that was idyllic and never woke up more than once in the night ever and slept day and night.
He would have been usless with a difficult baby.
This is why he is an ex - I lost ALL respect for him and thought we'd do better on our own which we did.
He's still bloody useless, invited my DS over for xmas lunch one year and "cooked" spring rolls and salad.
My DS now in his 40's was livid, he said he'd have brought the food and cooked it himself if he'd known that's all there would be on offer.

Yup. Sounds about right.
Me and my husband were in shock for the first couple of months and then just too sleep deprived to think clearly.

Oh, and I also got pregnant again 6 months after he was born from sex neither of us remember having. 🤣 So watch out for that!

I think it's quite fair that it's a shock to him. I thought I was prepared for the newborn stage but wasn't! I actually don't think DH even enjoyed having DS for the first couple or months, I was really upset about it at the time.

It's gotten SO much better from around the 4 month mark (he's 8 months now), sleep is better, no horrible trapped wind after every feed etc... DH and myself are doing a lot better now and he absolutely adores DS now, literally rushes in from work to grab him and won't let him go again until bedtime haha.

Yes your DH probably was naive, but I think that's quite normal?

My eldest was a lazy eater, she just wanted the milk to be poured in to her mouth sucking was too much like hard work. She's almost 13 now and still lazy as fuck

I would say, if you have mastitis you need feed not pump. Sounds odd but the best position is on all 4s, with baby on it's back underneath you and you kind of dangling the boob into their mouth. I know, sounds ridiculous but works!

As for tiredness. I never knew tiredness like it with a new born. DC3 fed 2 hourly morning, noon and night for 14 months. She was BF so I did the majority, but I remember one day just stood, staring at the wall in the kitchen trying to find the effort to put one foot in front of the other to make the two toddler demons lunch with a newborn strapped to my front. I just couldn't get my feet to move, it was madness.

My advice, dont let yourself fall into the trap of doing all the "hard stuff" and letting DH become a Disney dad. Parenting should be a partnership, find what works for yours.

I'd make sure he does at least one more night, and preferably more than one, while he still has a week of parental leave and doesn't have to go to work the next day. Then point out to him that unless he steps up you'll be doing that every night, and every daytime as well.

Don't let him get away with the ashen face and shaky voice.

@pinkyredrose

Be careful he doesn't carry on pulling this stunt or soon you'll find you're in charge of everything baby related because 'you're better at it',

Precisely. Don't let him guilt you into doing absolutely everything because he "can't handle it." He needs to pull it together.

We were lucky that both babies were quite easy and it was seldom necessary to go into survival mode, but all the same I do wish I'd asked DH to do more, starting right early on, because we didn't want to model more gender-equitable parenting and we totally failed and I have been (less so now the kids are older) the 'default parent'.

DH was often Oh let me finish this' when asked to do things, so if it couldn't wait I'd just do it. I think men are so conditioned to do things at a time of their choosing because they have seen this model where mum is infinitely interruptable and dad's time is sacrosanct and I will be totally advising my kids to ensure this doesn't happen despite the poor example we set. So lay the boundaries now, OP, be clear you don't want to be the only parent who is ever asked for help, snacks, a decision on something, even when you're on the other side of the home to where he and the kids are!

@pinkyredrose

Be careful he doesn't carry on pulling this stunt or soon you'll find you're in charge of everything baby related because 'you're better at it',

Absolutely! I think my H thought you bunged the baby ina drawer and occasionally pulled it out for feeding 😳 Utterly clueless (and useless) especially as dc1 didn’t sleep through until 2 years old!

Well the health visitor’s comment was totally useless. Who enjoys a person who only eats, poops, screams, throws up and doesn’t sleep? Feel deep love, absolutely but it’s not exactly enjoyable .

I don’t think you can ever fully prepare for how exhausting and relentless the first few months are. It does get easier for most people after the first 3 months or so but the first 6-8 weeks in particular all just merge into one. He isn’t BU to feel this way, there’s just no way of preparing for it before the baby is actually here and it hits some people like a tonne of bricks.

I can't help but smile at your description of him ashen faced and practically rock

We have lots of babies in our family and I still wasn't prepared for the reality of having a newborn
I remember DH and I just looking at each other in complete terror when we first brought DC home. Thinking how on earth are we trusted with this little person? And then the tiredness ... there is no exhaustion like it. As one of the mums said 'there's a reason why sleep deprivation is a torture technique'
Don't be a martyr OP. Make his step up so you have the benefit of him being at home.

Oops practically rocking. They are like unexplored bombs, but honestly it does get better. By 4 months, you should both be a lot more adjusted as the baby gets into a routine. It's a hell of a shock though

@WheelieBinPrincess I agree with @JustLyra to get him checked properly for a tongue tie - lazy latch and potential reflux are both symptoms. If you can afford to then have a lactation consultant out - my boy had a missed tie and it made things quite difficult.

As far as your husband goes, you need to just both be kind to each other and try and find the best ways to manage your new life. I always said to my husband to go back to bed in the night (unless there was a massive sick/poop emergency) as i was doing the feeding and there was no point him sitting watching me and us both being awake. Then in the morning he would take our boy for a long walk and i'd have a lie in. It's hard, it's definitely a shock to most people, looking after each other is the best way to look after your baby and that's going to take communication which is what he is doing!

Oh i also stayed in bed most of the morning and called it a good day if i made it downstairs!