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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is shocked by the reality of having a newborn

347 replies

WheelieBinPrincess · 29/09/2021 08:36

I’m not being very sympathetic.

We are both shattered, like all new parents I guess.

When we first got the baby home a couple of weeks ago, he was quite chilled (the baby was, and to an extent DH was too) he thought things were easy! Unfortunately DS hasn’t slept well at night, he’s a bit nocturnal- he’ll do 90 min stretches just 3x throughout the night so you can’t get a proper sleep. During the day he was fabulous at napping initially but he’s not great at the moment, he gets bad wind after a feed, gets uncomfortable and needs about an hour of comforting/winding.

‘I didn’t think it would be like this’ said DH yesterday Hmm

I think I cope better on the back of a night of no sleep so I’ve been doing the night shift, in the spare room with the baby, and trying to grab a few hours nap in the day, DH still has another week off work, but last night I’d had enough, I was dead on my feet, so I expressed some milk and handed over to DH.

I’ve just been into the bedroom to find DS sleeping peacefully, and DH practically rocking in a corner, ashen faced, like he has experienced a terrible and traumatic event.

I asked how he got on. ‘Not good’, he replied in shaky voice. I’ve got the baby now and he’s gone back to bed, in a strop, because I reminded him that it sounded like an entirely normal night to me.

AIBU (and possibly a bit of a martyr ?!)
But I wonder if DH pictured having a tiny baby as like having an agreeable little cat curled up in a corner, waking up for the odd feed and cuddle, letting us watch a box set of an evening and share a bottle of chianti.

OP posts:
Ledition · 29/09/2021 12:05

I felt the same as your DH, the reality was a brutal shock! I had practically zero experience of babies before having mine and though I had some vague idea it would be hard/tiring, I naively thought the "overwhelming love" made up for it - until I found out that that's not a bloody thing! Well for some of us it's not. There was no "overwhelming" anything except exhaustion. He'll adapt, keep making him share the load though, my STBXH did nothing when my DC was that age, literally nothing which is why I found it particularly difficult. Huge resentments set in and the rest is history. I would acknowledge your husband's feelings but tell him you have to keep working as a team and you'll survive.

Scratchybaby · 29/09/2021 12:07

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

Isn't everyone shocked by the reality of a newborn, unless they've somehow been heavily involved in doing the round the clock care for someone else's?

I remember thinking that a baby couldn't possibly literally feed every two hours around the clock, because an adult couldn't possibly survive that kind of schedule and the NCT woman must be exaggerating. Hahahahahaha! Reader, I learned.

Hahaha, I did the same thing. I remember like it was yesterday, seeing that timetable the NCT woman laid out, thinking "but.. but, when I sleep?"
Summerfun54321 · 29/09/2021 12:09

“Wow parenting is really easy, I feel so rested and refreshed” said no parent ever in the history of the human race 😂

Original poster
WheelieBinPrincess · 29/09/2021 12:13

The health visitor was but just kept asking ‘but are you enjoying him though? Are you enjoying your baby?’ I said, obviously I love my baby, but I don’t know what you mean by enjoying?’ she just repeated ‘you need ri enjoy your baby’ Confused

I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to answer in all honesty.

He’s been checked fir tongue tie but doesn’t have it apparently- he just has a very lazy way of eating I think.

OP posts:
Rainbowshit · 29/09/2021 12:14

I thought I was prepared. My friends were brutally honest with me not even then it was a major shock

Original poster
WheelieBinPrincess · 29/09/2021 12:14

Ugh, typos. The health visitor who was just here, and has now kindly departed, probably with a written note that says ‘mum does not appear to be enjoying her baby’.

OP posts:
BlackSwan · 29/09/2021 12:16

Can you afford to get some outside help? A night nanny for a couple of nights a week? It's best if everyone in the family makes it out alive here.

Wondergirl100 · 29/09/2021 12:16

I was totally shocked. I don't like the leaning towards judging any parent who is generally a good person for being shell shocked - - I remember calling a friend on day 3 and saying why didn't you tell me!

Immaculatemisconception · 29/09/2021 12:16

I honestly think it’s fair to say that having your first newborn is shocking, life changing, exhausting and difficult. Some people cope better than others.

Wondergirl100 · 29/09/2021 12:18

You need to enjoy your baby? jesus how unhelpful.

Nogoodusername · 29/09/2021 12:23

Lol @ the health visitor. I know that I didn’t enjoy being utterly sleep deprived and wondering what the hell to do with a screaming colicky newborn. Your answer is exactly right - love them? Yup. Fun? Nope

ChickPeaSalad · 29/09/2021 12:24

YABU, you sound like you're pretty contemptuous of him. What has he actually done wrong other than acknowledge he's finding the adjustment difficult, and find the night shift tough? It's okay if he found it rough, it IS rough to see to a newborn through the night, even if that's just how it goes with one. You're both new to this. There's no need to be sarky with him and fire back a 'yes I do this each night' thing. Would it hurt to say 'ah yeah, it's hard isn't it?'

We promised one another before baby arrived we'd try never to one up one another or get competitive about who it hardest and would do our best to respect we're both trying our best and neither person has it easy. It really helped. You're a team here, you're not enemies, and while it's easy/common to start snapping at and resenting one another while you're tired it's not a great habit to get into.

Also to the nonsense challenging you about saying you cope better on less sleep, some people just do. It's not a gender thing, as other posters have pointed out.

If you're this disappointed with him finding adjusting to a newborn difficult make sure you don't have any more with him.

LaBellina · 29/09/2021 12:26

@WheelieBinPrincess

Ugh, typos. The health visitor who was just here, and has now kindly departed, probably with a written note that says ‘mum does not appear to be enjoying her baby’.
What an incredibly shit thing to say. I remember how after my son was born and I was struggling, exactly like you and my ‘friend’ told me that I should enjoy the baby because if I didn’t, baby would definitely notice and be negatively affected by my lack of enjoyment. She also bragged that her HV told her they had never seen anyone enjoy their baby as much as she had. People who say these kind of things to a new mum really deserve to be told off.
ravenmum · 29/09/2021 12:29

OP doesn't sound contemptuous.
She sounds like she's having trouble adjusting to the reality of her baby's husband's behaviour in the first few weeks of life. What has she actually done wrong other than acknowledge she's finding the adjustment difficult?

Write down that thing about "Are you enjoying your baby" and you'll be able to laugh about it one day!

JustLyra · 29/09/2021 12:30

He’s been checked fir tongue tie but doesn’t have it apparently- he just has a very lazy way of eating I think.

Who checked him? Of the six kids DH and I have between us three had tongue ties and all were missed in the initial checks. It’s worth speaking to the likes of la Leche league to see if they have someone locally that they recommend.

Tongue ties are way more common than a lot of Health professional seem to realise.

Original poster
WheelieBinPrincess · 29/09/2021 12:31

@JustLyra the midwife looked in his mouth for all of two seconds and declared no tongue tie, and that it was very rare anyway, but I have wondered.

OP posts:
Kuachui · 29/09/2021 12:32

I swear men think that just because they can't handle things then us woman must just have it easier and that maybe we don't have the same things happen when we do things but in reality it's just we get the fuck on with it and don't whine and huff about it.

It actually makes me really mad. There is no excuse for why a man should be so flecking useless but they are.. Atleast the majority and if they arnt they want a medal for it like we don't do this stuff everyday.

TwoShades1 · 29/09/2021 12:33

No help I’m sorry! Though this one time when being with a bloke who already has kids is fab. When we had DD he knew what it would be like and therefore coped really well and was a great support to me.

Abouttimemum · 29/09/2021 12:34

@PurpleFlower1983 I hope I’m lucky. DS is 2.5 and has been pretty easy after the horrors or the dreadful newborn-6 month stage. But there’s such a loooooong way to go ha!

Dentistlakes · 29/09/2021 12:36

I remember the first few weeks well! The first week both mine were very easy and spent a lot of time asleep. It all went a bit mad the second week! We could never get either of ours to take a bottle so DH got off fairly easily with nights. I tended to go bed early, leaving him in charge in the evening and then he would bring them through to me around midnight.

Give him some time to adjust. It is a shock to the system and most do get over it quickly and rise to the challenge. Minimising someone else’s experience because it doesn’t compare to yours never ends well.

BrilloPaddy · 29/09/2021 12:38

I think we all need to be more honest about the reality of newborns.

I remember DH coming home one night when baby was around 6 weeks old. "Oh you've had a bath and are in your nightie", he said... this was 6pm. I hadn't actually been able to get dressed as I'd had a screaming colicky baby all day. He nearly ran back out the door when he saw my face..........

Your DH may be shocked, but don't let him start sleeping/resting while you're carrying the load. I deeply regret letting DH do fuck all as for the entire childraising years, it was "my job".

BrendaBubbles · 29/09/2021 12:42

I've been extremely honest with my DDs about how much hard work having babies is and they are all rather militantly against the idea of ever having DCs now. I imagine they will change their minds once the hormones kick in but they will at least not be able to say they weren't warned!

Calmdown14 · 29/09/2021 12:43

Not what you asked but my second struggled with night feeds and wind. Gripe water and feeding her upright helped. I put her in the baby carrier and then had to walk around for 10 minutes afterwards but it got the wind out much more effectively, she especially liked stairs!

bumbledeedum · 29/09/2021 12:47

[quote WheelieBinPrincess]@JustLyra the midwife looked in his mouth for all of two seconds and declared no tongue tie, and that it was very rare anyway, but I have wondered.[/quote]
My midwife had a good nosey in my firsts mouth and didn't think he had one but he did and it was noticeably better feeding with it released. I'd push for a second opinion from a trained specialist. You might need to be prepared to go private though as I know a free areas have suspended checks and releases due to staffing.

Daisyandroses · 29/09/2021 12:50

Can’t believe your health visitor said that! Mine have been great and all very honest as it’s a lot of work and you don’t have to enjoy it all.

How long is your baby awake for when getting screamy? One of my twins appears like he has wind, but actually just gets very overstimulated and I have to get him to sleep if he’s been awake for more than an hour.