So angry at dh. Aibu?

[Whatwentwronghere]

Just put our 3yo to bed after a day filled with tantrums and stress.

He had been laying down in bed on top of the duvet on his phone while I got her sorted. I came in and lay down on the bed across the bottom.

I just lay on my front facing away from him and started to drift off. I never nap and find it so hard to sleep in general, definitely bordering on insomnia. So I'm lying down and feel myself drifting off.

Cue dh, '*my name, my name, wakey wakey'.

I ignored him.

2 minutes later her puts his foot on my bum and shakes it to wake me up.

Aibu to be absolutely furious at him? He's at football tonight so it makes no difference to him if I'm awake or not.

I'm just so angry at how inconsiderate it is. If he fell asleep, like he did at lunchtime on the sofa, I don't disturb him.

Now I'm wide awake but exhausted. Ugh.

My DH does this. He can't stand being awake when I'm asleep, though he'd never admit it. I don't do well when I'm sleep deprived more than usual. I live with chronic pain conditions and the only time I get a break from it is when I'm asleep, but wake several times per night anyway and often don't nod off until the early hours.

I got angry with him so many times about it, which he clearly ignored, so I said if he did it again he'd have to find somewhere else to sleep. He still does it but covers his behaviour by saying he didn't realise I was asleep when he lent over me and said something. He often 'accidentally' coughs loudly, twitches, jerking the bed or switches his lamp on but claims he didn't realise I was asleep. It's infuriating but he denies any intent every time, acting like he's a victim when I demand he stops.

Well next time he’s snoozing wake him up!

NExt time he falls asleep for a nap on the sofa do the same to him, simple

I total understand your situation I'm the same lucky to get 4/5 hours a night (our son is ASD) Been like this since I had my ds 10 years ago. So I made a rule with my DH. If I'm asleep be it at night when he comes to bed or in the morning if I have nothing to get up for do not disturb me. Let me catch up with missing sleep. I would go with this. Has solved a lot of issues I had with him waking me.

@Monstermunch67

My DH does this. He can't stand being awake when I'm asleep, though he'd never admit it. I don't do well when I'm sleep deprived more than usual. I live with chronic pain conditions and the only time I get a break from it is when I'm asleep, but wake several times per night anyway and often don't nod off until the early hours.

I got angry with him so many times about it, which he clearly ignored, so I said if he did it again he'd have to find somewhere else to sleep. He still does it but covers his behaviour by saying he didn't realise I was asleep when he lent over me and said something. He often 'accidentally' coughs loudly, twitches, jerking the bed or switches his lamp on but claims he didn't realise I was asleep. It's infuriating but he denies any intent every time, acting like he's a victim when I demand he stops.

If it's at all possible to sleep somewhere else, do it. Even if that means a hotel.

I can understand why someone might wake you up if, say, the baby is crying and they don't want to deal with it. It's still crappy, of course, but I can see the logic behind it. But why wake you just because you're asleep and they're not? Why would your husband not want you to sleep? Why does OP's not want her to sleep?

It's actually a serious issue, especially if you don't sleep well in general. I wouldn’t believe my husband loved me if he did this...and even if he did, it would sure kill my love for him.

@Scottsy100

NExt time he falls asleep for a nap on the sofa do the same to him, simple

She did

@Whatwentwronghere

It would be too hard to walk away in our current situation but thinking about it, the strategic incompetence hits the nail on the head. I wouldn't want him to look after them for a weekend alone at the ages they're at now, he wouldn't have a clue and I'd be worried sick he'd overlook obvious dangers.

He's just dozed off while I've come down stairs for my lunch break so I've just shook his arm and asked if he's OK, then had the audacity to ask me why I did that. Well I was obviously checking if he was OK!

I wouldn't want him to look after them for a weekend alone at the ages they're at now

Are you sure he would?

What did he say when you woke him and said you were just checking if he was OK? Did he get the point?

@AtrociousCircumstance

What a wanker.

Shows that he isn’t tuned into you, or your needs, or the fact that your exhausted.

This.

He sounds very selfish.

Lying on the bed while his exhausted wife does it all.

You have my sympathy OP.

Now that your eyes are opening to what a nasty, selfish man he is, you need to start looking after yourself.

He is not a good man OP.

Protect yourself and stop doing ANYTHING for him that makes his life easier.

You need to detach.

Protect yourself.

@Monstermunch67

My DH does this. He can't stand being awake when I'm asleep, though he'd never admit it. I don't do well when I'm sleep deprived more than usual. I live with chronic pain conditions and the only time I get a break from it is when I'm asleep, but wake several times per night anyway and often don't nod off until the early hours.

I got angry with him so many times about it, which he clearly ignored, so I said if he did it again he'd have to find somewhere else to sleep. He still does it but covers his behaviour by saying he didn't realise I was asleep when he lent over me and said something. He often 'accidentally' coughs loudly, twitches, jerking the bed or switches his lamp on but claims he didn't realise I was asleep. It's infuriating but he denies any intent every time, acting like he's a victim when I demand he stops.

Your DH's behaviour is horrible, insidiously mean. I'm angry on your behalf.

Your polite. When dh wakes me or does that - he gets sworn at quite a bit (I'm really not great at walking up)

If he'd woken me just to be a jerk, I'd have made him so sorry he'd never do it again. What an idiot! I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that he is NEVER to wake me when I'm clearly having a nap, unless it's an emergency. If he did it again, I'd wake him at some horrific hour of the night, as payback.

This use to happen to me, I didn't like it either. I was woken up all the time even if I fell asleep on the sofa and as the kids were young it was lovely to get a nab but DH always woke me up. Form of torture used in old times.

@Whatwentwronghere

It would be too hard to walk away in our current situation but thinking about it, the strategic incompetence hits the nail on the head. I wouldn't want him to look after them for a weekend alone at the ages they're at now, he wouldn't have a clue and I'd be worried sick he'd overlook obvious dangers.

He's just dozed off while I've come down stairs for my lunch break so I've just shook his arm and asked if he's OK, then had the audacity to ask me why I did that. Well I was obviously checking if he was OK!

It's shocking really, isn't it? That you can't trust someone to look after their own kids for the weekend? Yet they get all the privileges of being an adult. If you think about it - how is it acceptable? How is he not totally ashamed of himself?

I think you need a bit of time to think and then a long sit down with him where you lay it out. He's failing you, failing his kids and failing himself by not stepping up.

Your H is a lot more trouble than he is worth.

You are facilitating a nice lifestyle for him and being exhausted in return.

It would be too hard to walk away in our current situation
What makes it hard?
Does he in effect have you where he wants you?

And you are a single parent in reality anyway.

Hi op, I think you are suffering quite badly from sleep deprivation and need to seek help for it. It can make everything super intense in a not good way and make ones nerves super tight.
I get why your pissed off as you were desperate for sleep. THats not your hubby’s fault - although if you can sleeping on yr own for a spell may help with the insomnia.
Bests

Communicate with your husband, being passive aggressive isn't the solution. People are quick to say leave when you haven't even tried to resolve issues. Talk to him, let him know how you feel, make sure he does pull his socks up with duties around the house. You're tired, sleep deprived amd being egged on by people who are comfortable in their own homes or in miserable relationships.

Ohh I can beat this. I am struggling with insomnia. Long story. I think it’s related to the contraceptive pill that I don’t want to be on.

We were binge watching a series the other week. We went to bed early and watched it on the tv in our room. I dozed off at MIDNIGHT during a “fundamental moment” (Sherlock jumping off the roof, if you’re interested) and my wonderful husband shook me awake basically to moan at me for falling asleep!

Now. If my sleep is disturbed before I am in a deep sleep the effect is rather like when a toddler has a nap at 5.30pm i.e. my body needs no further sleep until approx one hour before my 4 year old wakes up. It is safe to say he will never be doing that again.

(Apparently he just “wasn’t thinking” 🙄)

Thank you for your advice ladies.

We have quite a bit of debt so together it's manageable but apart it would be a nightmare.

He is inherently selfish and the older we get the more obvious it becomes. He's also incompetent and yes I make his life easier, he's achieved much of what he has because I prop him up and do the background work. I've sleepwalked into this.

20 years ago we were teenagers who met and clicked straight away, could stay up all night talking. He was my absolute best friend and I'd have done anything for him.

But then I grew up and he just hasn't. It definitely breeds resentment and I'm fairly sure I've outgrown our relationship at the stages we're at now. He spends time planning pranks on his friends, 15 years ago I'd have been there with him but not anymore. He still goes to football twice a week, his life didn't change after kids, mine did. I wish I could just give him a shake and get him to grow the hell up.

The only way to see if he will grow up is to make him face the prospect of losing you. Are you important enough to him that he will step up?

You only get one life, do you really want to spend it with someone who is happy for your to run yourself ragged?

What sort of debt?

Mortgage? Car loans? Credit cards?

In whose name?

How did you end up owing so much?

I think you need to -

Try to tackle the insomnia.

Get some debt counseling and figure out a way to get on top of it.

Talk to a solicitor about parting ways. Don't sign off on any debt reduction agreement until you've spoken to a solicitor.