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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry at dh. Aibu?

126 replies

Whatwentwronghere · 28/09/2021 18:56

Just put our 3yo to bed after a day filled with tantrums and stress.

He had been laying down in bed on top of the duvet on his phone while I got her sorted. I came in and lay down on the bed across the bottom.

I just lay on my front facing away from him and started to drift off. I never nap and find it so hard to sleep in general, definitely bordering on insomnia. So I'm lying down and feel myself drifting off.

Cue dh, '*my name, my name, wakey wakey'.

I ignored him.

2 minutes later her puts his foot on my bum and shakes it to wake me up.

Aibu to be absolutely furious at him? He's at football tonight so it makes no difference to him if I'm awake or not.

I'm just so angry at how inconsiderate it is. If he fell asleep, like he did at lunchtime on the sofa, I don't disturb him.

Now I'm wide awake but exhausted. Ugh.

OP posts:
TintinIsBack · 28/09/2021 19:33

Maybe it’s time he does more than just chipping in and actually does some parenting whilst you rest/sleep.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/09/2021 19:34

What a wanker.

Shows that he isn’t tuned into you, or your needs, or the fact that your exhausted.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/09/2021 19:34

You’re! Autocorrect be damned

TintinIsBack · 28/09/2021 19:35

Sometimes I feel like some posters are obtuse on purpose.

The OP can’t sleep during the day with a 3yo and a 2yo.
She struggles to sleep and being able to drip off like this is unusual for her. Which is the reason why her falling asleep like this should have been protected.
When you are exhausted, it’s not a simple case of ‘just going to sleep’. Esp if you have trouble sleeping.

Redovwrcoat · 28/09/2021 19:35

I am furious on your behalf GRRRRRRRR

My ex would do this sort of thing. Its one of the reasons why he's my ex.

willithappen · 28/09/2021 19:37

You are not BU to be angry. I get very angry when I'm woken or sleep disturbed 🙈
However doesn't sound like your DH did it on purpose to wake you up or understood it was because of how wiped out you were so I'd try cut him some slack and not hold on to it

JSL52 · 28/09/2021 19:37

@WheelieBinPrincess

No, I’d lynch DH if he did that to me in the circumstances. ‘Wakey wakey’?! Fuck off.
Same
NumberTheory · 28/09/2021 19:41

He's not bad with the kids and does chip in but I get 0 time to myself. He's gone now and I'm downstairs feeling robbed of my nice rest.

This is a big problem, especially since it appears he gets free time (you said he was going to football). Him being too lazy to get out around you is also a problem.

It sounds like he has no idea how stretched thin you are? I think you need to make that clear and put in place some changes that give you more time to sleep and some ring fenced free time.

Original poster
Whatwentwronghere · 28/09/2021 19:46

Of course we both work! Dh is on annual leave this week and today is on of my days off. Hence why I'm so exhausted juggling a job, 2 pre-schoolers and our home.

This is why I said I get 0 time to myself because if I'm not at work I'm looking after dc, and when they're asleep I'm just too tired to do anything. We have no support from our family so it's just very full on and probably will be until they're both in school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwentwronghere · 28/09/2021 19:48

Thank you for the supportive comments, I hadn't considered my welfare in general beyond being massively irritated with him

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 28/09/2021 19:49

So if you’re tired and he’s gone out why don’t you go to bed? I mean actually to bed, not led across the bottom of the bed which isn’t going to give you quality sleep and is going to mean having to get up to get into bed anyway.

I sleep badly because I take a drug for my heart which A, causes insomnia, and B, makes my skin hyper sensitive to sunlight meaning that I have to wear factor50 sunscreen which in turn has an impact on how much vitamin D I absorb.

I have always been one for falling asleep in the chair anyway, but now my DP if he’s here and even my DS will wake me up and tell me to go to bed. But that will happen e.g. at lunchtime or after about 8:30/9 PM. Anything before that will guarantee I’m awake from about 12:30 and might not even go back to sleep.

If you’re tired and want to sleep and the kids are in bed and DH is out then go to bed. There’s nothing to be gained by being a martyr about these things.

Dutchesss · 28/09/2021 19:50

'Wakey wakey' would infuriate me even if it was meant with good intentions. Just thinking about the words and I feel annoyed, I have no idea why.

violetbunny · 28/09/2021 19:50

Why is it that you get zero time to yourself and he gets to swan off to football?
Sounds like the underlying issue here is that you carry most of the load, he "helps" as it suits him, and you don't actually have equal leisure time.

Dutchesss · 28/09/2021 19:52

So if you’re tired and he’s gone out why don’t you go to bed? I mean actually to bed, not led across the bottom of the bed which isn’t going to give you quality sleep and is going to mean having to get up to get into bed anyway.
Insomnia doesn't work like that. You could be exhausted through lack of sleep but unable to fall to sleep with insomnia.

Lilymossflower · 28/09/2021 19:53

By the sounds of the whole picture, he dousnt do enough at home. Blunt yes but true. Your both working parents - so why is it that you get 0 time to yourself and he gets to sit around on his phone, nap and go out to football. It's not fair or balanced and you need to book time off for yourself so that he has to contribute his fair share of childcare and housework as an equal parent

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 28/09/2021 19:53

@Whatwentwronghere

Of course we both work! Dh is on annual leave this week and today is on of my days off. Hence why I'm so exhausted juggling a job, 2 pre-schoolers and our home.

This is why I said I get 0 time to myself because if I'm not at work I'm looking after dc, and when they're asleep I'm just too tired to do anything. We have no support from our family so it's just very full on and probably will be until they're both in school.

Why are you doing everything if he's on annual leave?
3luckystars · 28/09/2021 19:56

You are exhausted.
Leave everything.

Go back to bed and slow your breathing right down, 10 seconds in, 10 seconds out.

Keep doing that and try to forget about that toolbox that woke you. It’s unlikely he will make that mistake again!

Go to bed right now and sleep. Nothing else matters.

Chloemol · 28/09/2021 19:56

So just wake him up when he falls sleep on the sofa

Aprilx · 28/09/2021 20:01

I think being very angry is really over the top. It was pretty strange to lie across the bottom of the bed like that and I wouldn’t assume DH was tryin to get some sleep if he did that.

ScrambledSmegs · 28/09/2021 20:03

YANBU. What a selfish dick.

Re: the bad sleeping. Have you tried taking chelated magnesium? A couple of weeks of taking one 20 mins before I went to bed sorted out about 90% of my sleep issues. I don't take them regularly any more because now they make me sleep too deeply - I use a magnesium body butter on my feet instead. Gives just the right level of sleepiness.

miltonj · 28/09/2021 20:03

Errrr yeah I'd be livid. He's on bedtime duty tomorrow

rwalker · 28/09/2021 20:05

You say you need nap and you were across the bottom of the bed .He probperly was just checking .

pigsDOfly · 28/09/2021 20:08

He's on annual leave and you're exhausted from coping with a difficult toddler all day.

Why were you the one getting the toddler to bed while he was lying on the bed on his phone?

Why weren't you the one tucked up in bed having a very early night while he got the toddler ready for bed before he went out to football?

He leaves it all to you and then wakes you up in an annoying way when you actually manage to fall asleep.

He chips in? He needs to do a lot more than 'chip' in. He needs to get off his arse and do his share of parenting.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 28/09/2021 20:10

So what if she was lying in an odd place? She was asleep. She has sleep problems and is exhausted from looking after small kids. Why would she want to be woken up??

burritofan · 28/09/2021 20:13

OP was on the end of the bed because her lazy DH was on the rest of the bed. It’s not tremendously difficult or anything.

YANBU, OP! Sleep for insomniacs or those who find it hard to drift off is PRECIOUS. My DP is one of those “falls asleep in seconds, anywhere” people. I take forever and have to start again if disturbed: I’d be raging.