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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS age 15 - are limits on daily smart phone time unreasonable?

114 replies

Kermitsolvestheclimate · 27/09/2021 21:09

We have some parental limits on DC's phone - mostly around time he can spend on it each day. Goes off overnight 9pm - 8am. Daily limit of 30mins on various social media (snapshat, instagram, youtube etc) - that together add up to over 2 hrs /day. He thinks we are SOOOOOOO unreasonable to do this. What do other Mumsnetters think? For context, being on his phone is his default activity over homework, helping at home, sleep and any other other essential life activities. If the phone is on he is 'not with us'.

OP posts:

GreenSpiral · 27/09/2021 21:10

YABU

Original poster

Kermitsolvestheclimate · 27/09/2021 21:25

GreenSpiral, what do you do with your DC? Have zero limits? How does that work out? Are they quite disciplined at not spending too much time on phone to detriment of other things? Genuinly interested (hence the post!)

OP posts:

Mamacookies · 27/09/2021 21:31

YANBU

My DS16 is locked out of his phone at 8pm.

He has access to it for 2 hours a day.

He doesn't like it and moans all the time, but despite of all the mistakes I have made while raising my kids, I don't think I will regret restricting their phone access.

KarmaStar · 27/09/2021 21:37

He is young,he wants to text his mates and keep in the loop,he will miss out by being banned and feel left out with friends.
Yabu let him have his phone.

coffeerevelsrock · 27/09/2021 21:43

It's not being UR to have it off overnight but I think it's very controlling to be saying 30 mins on a range of Apps. Youtube is very different from snapchat for instance. I don't know - you aren't giving him the chance to learn to self-regulate or the ability to organise and have ownership over the time he does have on it. I know phones can be a nightmare, but he's 15 - when do you plan to change this and will it suddenly go to no limits?

TrickorTreacle · 27/09/2021 22:14

Me and my sister were children of the 1990s. We were allowed 90 minutes of screen time (computer or TV) per day. Then in the GCSE year after we have done our exams, aged 15/16, screen time went to unlimited. Bedtime went to unlimited as well at 15/16. I think that was fair.

Nowadays, those 90 minutes would apply to 'entertainment' time such as YouTube and gaming. For school homework, using computers has become the norm so that wouldn't be in the 90 minutes. Using mobile phones as er.... mobiles for phoning up mates wouldn't count either. That's because in the 1990s, we phoned up our mates too, except it was on landlines.

My old Dad used to say - "if you use computers and TVs too much, you'll get square eyes" :-D

WayneBruce · 27/09/2021 22:20

Feels a bit much for a 15 year old. Screen time feels appropriate for under 13's or even secondary age. But do agree with overnight shut down.

seaandsandcastles · 27/09/2021 22:23

YABU and controlling. How are you expecting him to learn to moderate if you micromanage him?

bonbonours · 27/09/2021 22:26

My 15 year old has a bedtime blocker but not til 10pm. Also has one hour on phone and one hour on tablet each day but WhatsApp/messaging/Spotify/Kindle/drawing app (she's doing GCSE art) are not included so it's really a restriction on YouTube/games.

Having said that she has a school Chromebook which I am unable to restrict due to the settings so just watches YouTube on that......

aramox · 27/09/2021 22:27

Interested too. I used to limit but ds (same age) says no limits are acceptable. Result: 5-10 hours a day on phone, even on school days. It's appalling and he does it while doing anything else. He swears it's the same for everyone, and I can't bear the fury that will result if I put limits on. He gets his homework done and turns it off about 10 but has few other interests anyway. I do think 8 or 9 is very early and I don't think most parents are still using limits at this age.

MrsBlondie · 27/09/2021 22:28

My 15 year old has no limits and has learnt himself when enough is enough. He does homework as a priority now (year 11) and gets up fine for school so we have no issues.
They need to learn themselves especially by this age

aramox · 27/09/2021 22:31

I would also say, 15 year olds are not really meant to be 'with us'. Phone life is their personal world like walkmans etc were for us. Lockdown has obscured this a bit but I wouldn't expect mine to spend much time with us!

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 27/09/2021 22:33

Both dc (ages 12 +13) have bedtime blocks between 9pm - 7am. Their school is phone free so they don't use them in school but at home I don't restrict time except no phone at the dinner table. They're good at self regulation though and will independently come off xbox etc after an hour or so. They both have hobbies most nights and go out with friends regularly so I don't mind screens when they're home.

TeenTitan007 · 27/09/2021 22:41

We have the same rules. It's 3 hours all inclusive - all apps/SM etc. And off at night (plus not in their room). I hear constant complaining but I refuse to budge. If anything I threaten to go worse which silences the critics.

ItsAChalkengingWank · 27/09/2021 22:42

I think he's at an age where he has to learn to self regulate and understand the consequences of his actions, would you still control his screentime at 16? Because that's not far away

My Ds's 'thing' is gaming online with friends. But he's realised that if he stays up late he's tired and irritable the next day. So now he only stays up late on a fri/sat pm

Ds wouldn't be allowed to 'game' without doing his homework though as he's in a particularly important year. Any jobs I ask him to do need to be done in a reasonable timeframe too

Starrycolors23 · 27/09/2021 22:44

I am 27 and have screen time limits on my own phone, I am allowed 40 mins a day on socials otherwise it’s so unhealthy. The issue is I can easily override them! Definitely not unreasonable. DH is a teacher and the amount of kids falling asleep because they stayed up on Snapchat

MissCreeAnt · 27/09/2021 22:51

Our 14 year old does still have limits, but she was involved in deciding to keep them once she'd turned 13. We would flex on total hours and the time it switches off, but it staying downstairs overnight to charge is staying non-negotiable.

With a different child I might pick different battles though.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 27/09/2021 23:07

I think it's a bit much for a 15 year old. They're going to have to learn to limit it themselves and take responsibility and preferably before they're adults

BiBabbles · 27/09/2021 23:34

I think it depends on the 15 year old and your situation.

Some 15 year olds can be okay with self regulation, some aren't quite there yet and need more support that environmental controls like screen time apps can provide. I do think as a pp said about her 14 year old, they should be part of the conversation on this.

My oldest had similarish limits at 15, though he only used Instagram out of those. It was part of a conversation around how to help him prioritize his time with his GCSEs and other commitments. We did loosen it with lockdown and after his not-exams-but-basically-exams, I gave him the summer to work on self regulation/relax as he pleased. Now he's back at college again, we're having some of those same conversations again and yes, I might -- with his input - be putting in blocks again or at least more of a barrier to help him figure out what sort of balance he wants and will help him meet his goals.

PlanDeRaccordement · 27/09/2021 23:46

Mine too had no limits once 13 and after a few months of gorging themselves, they settled into self-regulation. This was good because by 15/16 when all their friends had snapchat, tiktok and insta they were not interested and never joined. (Facebook is for old people btw). Never had an issue with poor academic performance. They often used their phones to watch educational videos or listen to podcasts on school subjects anyway.

Original poster

Kermitsolvestheclimate · 28/09/2021 06:07

Really interesting range of tactics and sounds like many DC a lot more sensible and controlled than ours. We'd love to have no limits on it and stop all the grief we get over it but so far he is showing no sign of being able to regulate himself. We know at this age he SHOULD be learning to regulate but he seems addicted to it if there are no limits on it. He would spend literally HOURS on it without a break if we let him. It makes me really sad. Sometimes i wish we didn't have smartphones! He has aspergers, i don't know as I'm not an expert but wonder if that is a factor relating to his self control (or lack of).

OP posts:

Clymene · 28/09/2021 06:18

I have a teenager with autism. I take it away at night but otherwise he's in control. How do you know he has no limits if you enforce a strict 30 mins cut off?

I've never set limits because I don't think you learn self regulation otherwise.

Bagelsandbrie · 28/09/2021 06:21

15 is too old for limits. Their whole social life is lived through their phones, 9pm is ridiculously early! I think even with the aspergers you need to just ease up and let go. If he’s on it non stop that’s sadly pretty normal at this stage!

randomuseragain · 28/09/2021 06:23

Yes, try the app OurPact

DeepaBeesKit · 28/09/2021 06:24

PlandeRaccordement
"A few months of gorging" doesnt lead to self regulation for most. Screens are addictive. I'm 36 years old and having gorged myself for 15 years struggle to self regulate. I'll be imposing limits on my kids as long as they live under my roof.

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