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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS age 15 - are limits on daily smart phone time unreasonable?

114 replies

Kermitsolvestheclimate · 27/09/2021 21:09

We have some parental limits on DC's phone - mostly around time he can spend on it each day. Goes off overnight 9pm - 8am. Daily limit of 30mins on various social media (snapshat, instagram, youtube etc) - that together add up to over 2 hrs /day. He thinks we are SOOOOOOO unreasonable to do this. What do other Mumsnetters think? For context, being on his phone is his default activity over homework, helping at home, sleep and any other other essential life activities. If the phone is on he is 'not with us'.

OP posts:
toastofthetown · 28/09/2021 08:36

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

Really interesting range of tactics and sounds like many DC a lot more sensible and controlled than ours. We'd love to have no limits on it and stop all the grief we get over it but so far he is showing no sign of being able to regulate himself. We know at this age he SHOULD be learning to regulate but he seems addicted to it if there are no limits on it. He would spend literally HOURS on it without a break if we let him. It makes me really sad. Sometimes i wish we didn't have smartphones! He has aspergers, i don't know as I'm not an expert but wonder if that is a factor relating to his self control (or lack of).
Is this a chicken and egg situation, in that he can't control it because it's so strictly limited? That because he's never had the chance to self regulate and his limits feel so small to him, that he'll want use his phone more. Have you spoken to him about what he thinks? It might surprise you if you have a conversation about how much screen he should have, why he thinks he should have more and you think he should have less. He's more likely to stick with limits he helped set than were imposed on him. At the very least I'd stop controlling each app and leave it up to him to manage his time.

How much time do you (and you husband/partner if relevant) spend on your phones around the house? Might not be an issue, but I do know families who try to massively restrict their children's access to technology, but are often on their phones themselves.

Bonusjonas · 28/09/2021 08:37

I’m of the opinion that if they’ve done they’re homework and chores then it’s their free time so they can have their phones. But they have to put them away on school nights when I go to bed.

bsc · 28/09/2021 08:48

My DD completely can self regulate, and puts her phone downstairs on kitchen table by 8pm every night. She only picks it up as leaving the house to school.
DS cannot self regulate in any way, and will actively try to extend any limit he is given for anything on principle. He has limits set in his phone (3 hours per day), and it can't be used between 8pm and 7am. (They're allowed phones in school, so he spends all break and lunch on it)
Age is irrelevant- DD was like this at 7yo! I can see DS being like this at 40...

Crazycakelady17 · 28/09/2021 09:10

My older two are 20 and 17 now eldest at uni second at college we had the rule phones off downstairs at 10pm on school nights but as long as they did there Homewoek extra curricular then that was the only limit we had
Our youngest is just 12 just started high school she has to come off at 9pm and has no social media but with her I find she spends hours on FaceTime to her friends I was worried at first till my mum said remember you at her age hours on the phone in the hall (before mobiles) and realised it was the modern day equivalent
I’m a nightmare on my phone can be on it 8/9 hours a day my DC have way more self control than me

Bbq1 · 28/09/2021 10:45

@HelenaJustina

I do this with my 14yr old. I’m also vastly unreasonable according to them but meh. They are achieving their potential academically, their homework is always done and of good quality, they spend time at extra curricular activities. All phone are downstairs overnight. If it works for your family why not? Much easier to start tough and ease up, rather than have to crack down later on.
My ds is achieving academically etc etc doing all the things that your ds are doing but still has no limits on his phone because he self regulates. Would your dc not achieve if you didn't impose limits on them?
seaandsandcastles · 28/09/2021 11:51

so far he is showing no sign of being able to regulate himself.

That’s because you’ve allowed him to get to age 15 without the ability to moderate himself.

Sgtmajormummy · 28/09/2021 12:05

15yo DD has agreed with me to have internet blocked on her phone from 3-7pm Sunday to Thursday in order to concentrate on homework.

Even after 2 years of owning a phone she (like me) has problems self regulating. The messaging with school friends is relentless and she needs to give 100% focus to her demanding coursework.

BiBabbles · 28/09/2021 14:10

Also, consider a transferable allowance like 25 hours a week (with possible carry over so he doesn't feel a need to use up 100% of his remaining allowance every Sunday), which will let him make choices about how to manage his time - he can spend a whole day messing around on his phone if he likes but in doing so he's chosing to have less phone time left for the rest of the week. Or conversely, chosing to use his phone less one day creates the reward of having more phone time to use later in the week.

I think this is an interesting idea and could work better for some teens and adults, though I don't know of any apps that work that way -- and I do think for most 15-year-olds, having to come through a parent to get any screen time would a bit much and likely lead to extra conflict, even for those who know they need more support in this area.

Even for those apps used for adults, I've only seen daily ones, so if someone can recommend one that works on a week or longer, that would be great.

MaidEdithofAragon · 28/09/2021 14:15

OP I'd say he can't self regulate because he isn't having the chance to learn how. I don't regulate my teens apart from bedtime/ mealtime / doing some kind of exercise etc. If you let him be, he'll go crazy for phone time for a bit, then it'll calm down. You're making it forbidden fruit which is always alluring for teens.

SecretWitch · 28/09/2021 14:19

My 13 yo has no limits. She knows if class work is not completed or chores not done we will shut her phone off otherwise we leave her to it.

frazzledfragglefromfragglerock · 28/09/2021 14:19

I control the time on different apps and have downtime from 8-8 but they always have access to messaging apps so they don't miss out on their friends chats. Nothing worse than being the one who doesn't know what's going on! Also eldest has access to read as she likes to read manga and there's loads online and she wouldn't sit and read anything else!

I can tell the difference in their attitudes if they have unlimited phone time!

Mine are girls aged 14 and 12.

CatsArePeople · 28/09/2021 14:28

the sensible limit we had is no contract, just PAYG top ups. So only access to internet when at home. So that really limited mindless youtube and tiktok.

RavingAnnie · 28/09/2021 16:41

All those saying YABU need to watch The Social Dilemma.

You definitely NOT being unreasonable limiting use and you should also be monitoring his use (the latter more for online safety).

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 28/09/2021 16:47

My dc's phones are locked 8pm to 8am, with WhatsApp as an exception so they can contact their friends. I don't set limits during the time they are unlocked, except they have to be put away for mealtimes.

MrsTophamHat · 28/09/2021 17:00

Yanbu but it's perhaps your limits are a bit stricter than I would put in place in terms of app use. I'd hate my children to be teased for not being allowed their phones overnight but I'm hoping that parents are becoming a lot more savvy than they have been over the last decade and parental controls will become much more normal.

Having worked in a secondary school i've known lots of parents who have no clue and think that as long as theyre friends with their child on Facebook, that counts as supervision.

Strangevipers · 28/09/2021 17:04

@Mamacookies

YANBU

My DS16 is locked out of his phone at 8pm.

He has access to it for 2 hours a day.

He doesn't like it and moans all the time, but despite of all the mistakes I have made while raising my kids, I don't think I will regret restricting their phone access.

Baffling !

At 16 I was still doing sports after school until gone 8pm and needed a phone for my walk home and of course to text my friends !

Iloveabourbon2 · 28/09/2021 17:13

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

I think it's a bit much for a 15 year old. They're going to have to learn to limit it themselves and take responsibility and preferably before they're adults
This
CatsArePeople · 28/09/2021 19:02

Yanbu but it's perhaps your limits are a bit stricter than I would put in place in terms of app use. I'd hate my children to be teased for not being allowed their phones overnight but I'm hoping that parents are becoming a lot more savvy than they have been over the last decade and parental controls will become much more normal.

Thing is, kids will be always more tech savvy and there will be new things for parents to navigate and catch up. Also some smartphones are really cheap and your kid may have a spare without you finding out. So the more you push for control, the more you'll end up not knowing.

StevieNix · 28/09/2021 19:21

I think generally 15 is too old for such harsh restrictions (but obviously you know your child best so if you feel it’s working then stick to it)
I 100% agree with having limits over night (say no access after 9/10pm) but I wouldn’t put time limits during the day personally.

Bitofachinwag · 28/09/2021 19:29

@coffeerevelsrock

It's not being UR to have it off overnight but I think it's very controlling to be saying 30 mins on a range of Apps. Youtube is very different from snapchat for instance. I don't know - you aren't giving him the chance to learn to self-regulate or the ability to organise and have ownership over the time he does have on it. I know phones can be a nightmare, but he's 15 - when do you plan to change this and will it suddenly go to no limits?
It's a parent's job to be "controlling"!

OP your limits are fine. It's very sad that people are saying terns need constant access or they'll be "out of the loop". Nobody needs to know everything their friends have said or been up to. It's better to teach teenagers that they don't have to be constantly available and that there's more to life than being on your phone.

Bitofachinwag · 28/09/2021 19:31

@seaandsandcastles

so far he is showing no sign of being able to regulate himself.

That’s because you’ve allowed him to get to age 15 without the ability to moderate himself.

No it doesn't work like that.
Bitofachinwag · 28/09/2021 19:35

I am not sure why so many parents think phones are so important and special and that children need unlimited acceas to learn to self regulate. Don't you limit/control other things ? Like sweets, soft drinks, alcohol and crossing the road?

mathanxiety · 28/09/2021 19:57

YABVU.

You have turned the phone into forbidden fruit.

Teenagers don't want to socialize with their parents and families. They never have. Finding a peer group and differentiating themselves from their families is part of the process of turning into independent adults You can't force them to stay family-bound.

AlexaShutUp · 28/09/2021 19:59

He's 15. Assuming no SEN, he needs to learn to self regulate. He will be an adult soon.

CatsArePeople · 28/09/2021 20:01

I am not sure why so many parents think phones are so important and special and that children need unlimited acceas to learn to self regulate.

Unless you live off grid somewhere in the woods, phones/internet are inevitable. So are sweets. Everything else is your choice how to go about it.