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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS age 15 - are limits on daily smart phone time unreasonable?

114 replies

Kermitsolvestheclimate · 27/09/2021 21:09

We have some parental limits on DC's phone - mostly around time he can spend on it each day. Goes off overnight 9pm - 8am. Daily limit of 30mins on various social media (snapshat, instagram, youtube etc) - that together add up to over 2 hrs /day. He thinks we are SOOOOOOO unreasonable to do this. What do other Mumsnetters think? For context, being on his phone is his default activity over homework, helping at home, sleep and any other other essential life activities. If the phone is on he is 'not with us'.

OP posts:
Bitofachinwag · 28/09/2021 20:27

@CatsArePeople

I am not sure why so many parents think phones are so important and special and that children need unlimited acceas to learn to self regulate.

Unless you live off grid somewhere in the woods, phones/internet are inevitable. So are sweets. Everything else is your choice how to go about it.

Not sure what your point is.
user1487194234 · 28/09/2021 20:37

YABU
Feel sorry for him

user1487194234 · 28/09/2021 20:43

I try and deal with it in reverse
Ie homework and chores done then rest of the time they can do what they like
At 15 they want to be in contact with their friends,not doing family stuff

Strangevipers · 28/09/2021 22:27

@user1487194234

I try and deal with it in reverse Ie homework and chores done then rest of the time they can do what they like At 15 they want to be in contact with their friends,not doing family stuff
100#
Strangevipers · 28/09/2021 22:27

@user1487194234

100%

IsabelBeck · 29/09/2021 03:52

Well my teen (16) likes spending time with us!

Phones are important but how do they develop a hinterland if they are constantly stimulated by them?

MrsGatsby99 · 29/09/2021 05:34

I think we should all be more concerned about teen's mobile phone/device use. Just being on it all the time as everyone else is is a race to the bottom. There are many problems caused by social media within school groups and wider society but it is the way a lot of teens communicate, sometimes to the real detriment of their face-to-face communication skills. I know it's a very very rare case but i am thinking of the poor boy who was killed recently and his parents said to take smartphones off children. I think it is too late for that but It can be a scourge.

Yanbu to limit it on a school day to two hours but maybe let your 15 yo use the apps he wants in that time instead of limiting each one to 30 minutes?? It's a double-edged sword as there are a lot of positives too. I think if you can get a balance between social media use, real life interaction, school work and activities, you are doing ok.

It's a minefield but if we as parents don't help teens to help themselves, who will?

Oblomov21 · 29/09/2021 06:35

YABU
I too think this is very controlling. Of course the none overnight thing is fine. But cut off at 9pm? Always? At the weekends. What time is the latest he stays up to.

30 minutes for apps. Thats a tiny amount.

Mine are 18 and 13 and so much goes on, so much chat, so why stop him from having that?

nicecheesegromit · 29/09/2021 06:41

YABU. You're cutting him off from all his banter with friends and he is possibly a bit of an outsider because of it. He needs to self-regulate at that age.
I see my DS15 playing computer games online with his friends and I think it's no different to me watching Dynasty, Dallas, all the soaps etc when I was a teenage. It's just a different type of entertainment and screen. My parents also went on at me, telling me I would get 'square eyes' Grin but no harm done!

Theworldisfullofgs · 29/09/2021 06:47

Minee is 15. We don't have a limit. Are you sure you're not turning it into a thing with the limit? Scarcity etc?
When are you planning to have no limit?

Nodancingshoes · 29/09/2021 07:01

I think you are being very strict. I take DS15 phone away to charge downstairs at 930pm on weekdays and 11 on weekends but only because he cannot regulate himself and wouldnt go to sleep until stupid o'clock otherwise. Other than that he has no limits - he would miss out on chatting to his friends if he did. He still does his homework etc...

Tal45 · 29/09/2021 07:39

YANBU phones are not vital to life like people seem to bizarrely think. I have never owned one - and SM certainly isn't vital to life. He won't be missing out at all by not being in constant contact with his mates, that is just complete FOMO, all they will be doing is chatting complete rubbish, there really isn't that much to say when you've just seen each other all day at school.
Much better for him to have a life away from his phone.

DrunkenUnicorn · 29/09/2021 07:44

We had limits on our 17 year olds phone. Going off at 11/1130 weekends, and a limit on games/YouTube.

He moaned repeatedly. Said he could self regulate and was mature enough.

We conceded. Took all restrictions off.

He did poorly in his y12 mocks, dropping at least one grade for everything.

We looked at his phone. During that week he had watched 37hours of YouTube (in addition to other games/social media), and had regularly been up very late- 3am one day with a 9am exam.

The restrictions went back on.

He’s now just turned 18 and pays for his phone himself and we have no access. I’m sure he’s back to his addictive behaviour. It’s an odd year for us. On one hand he’s 18 and an adult, on the other he still has a full year in education and therefore a need to be provided for as a child. You can’t say it’s my house, my rules and if you don’t like it you can pay your own way in your own house when they’re in full time education. Equally, you haven’t got much weight with you are the child and therefore I am making decisions on your behalf which I believe are in your best interests.

Bitofachinwag · 29/09/2021 08:10

:39Tal45

YANBU phones are not vital to life like people seem to bizarrely think.
Exactly!

Seeline · 29/09/2021 08:29

I think your limits are unreasonable.

Teens use their phones for so many different things - whilst they look as though they are on them all the time, they are using different functions.

My DD uses hers
check public transport to get home from school
access her homework app
to help with homework (if something quick, she doesn't bother getting her laptop up and running)
communicating with friends - maybe just a chat, but often in the early evening checking school tasks, working together on projects etc (usually Snapchat rather than actual talking!)
watching YouTube/tiktok to relax
checking news
reading articles
helping to learn her dance routines
clock/alarm
weather
games

In the old days, I did all these different things, but had to use a variety of different methods in order to achieve them. Nowadays it's all at their fingertips. Your DS will be missing out on social interaction with such draconion limits. Everything is done through Snapchat these days.

I would give far greater access. Perhaps enforce downstairs charging overnight, from 10pm/11 at weekends. With the caveat that time will be lost if school work suffers or chores not done.

SueSaid · 29/09/2021 08:58

Restrictions when younger yes, by 15 no.

allsorts1 · 29/09/2021 16:07

The problem is is that these apps aren't possible to learn to self regulate. They're designed to keep you hooked. OP can you come to my house and take my phone off me at night as that sounds dreamy 🤣

LobsterNapkin · 29/09/2021 17:03

YANBU.

Sure, some kids self-regulate (though I've known a few whose parents think they do but are on at all hours of the night wheile their parents are asleep.

But lots can't, and no wonder, they are designed, just like gambling, to make self-regulation difficult. It's not controversial to think letting kids gamble at 15 is a bad idea so I'm not sure why letting kids develop the same issues with a phone is controversial, but it seems to be.

Bitofachinwag · 29/09/2021 17:35

@LobsterNapkin

YANBU.

Sure, some kids self-regulate (though I've known a few whose parents think they do but are on at all hours of the night wheile their parents are asleep.

But lots can't, and no wonder, they are designed, just like gambling, to make self-regulation difficult. It's not controversial to think letting kids gamble at 15 is a bad idea so I'm not sure why letting kids develop the same issues with a phone is controversial, but it seems to be.

I agree. And I said before, as parents we "control" many aspects of our children's lives, as so we should. What makes phones so special that we should not control their use? It is seen as right and normal to stop children from gambling, sex, drinking alcohol, staying up too late, not wearing a coat on the snow, not having sleep overs at the houses of people they barely know etc.
Sgtmajormummy · 29/09/2021 20:53

A parents’ seminar I went to through DC’s school asked the audience:

“What age would you be happy for your children to have access to unlimited porn? 12? 14? Because that’s what you’re giving them if they have no parental controls on phone use.”

And it’s not just porn…

ItsNotMeAnymore · 29/09/2021 21:03

That sounds about right to me OP. I might add a bit of time for social media as 30 min is a bit short but YANBU. Does he have separate time fir on line gaming?

Original poster
Kermitsolvestheclimate · 29/09/2021 21:43

Lots of really interesting comments and food for thought here, interesting so much variation between families and children of course. Some good suggestions and we are reviewing what we do going forwards to improve things. We have discussed sensible phone usage and talked about options etc with him LOADS of times! He doesn't think he should have any limits at all. Also thinks he should have it in his room all night. For context and re some of questions people asked above, our DS didn't always have these limits, we've brought them in due to overuse of his phone to the detriment of other parts of his life. By the end of last term at school he had over 30 pieces of homework not completed and a lot of major issues around that to do with not wanting to go to school etc. (He had been hiding homework backlog from us). He was doing zero to help at home. We had let him have loads of phone access due to lockdown and staying in touch with friends. In reality he uses it mostly for games, tic tok and Youtube from what we can see on family link, he 's not reading, looking the at the news, doing other 'worthwhile' useful activities like some have given examples of above that their DC do. He has Aspergers syyndrome and can be obsessive about things like certain Youtube posters etc. Interesting some posters above seem to not know about professional guidance re phone use (or choose to not follow it). Its well known guidance NOT to be on screens at least an hour before bedtime (adults and children). I've been told that by various professionals through school and childrens support services as well as reading up on it. Our DC has problems with sleep anyway so we try and stick to that guidance. I'm really surprised some people let their DC have phones 'up until they go to sleep' and unlimited when they are still youngish teens (ie 13, 14) . Our DS is supposed to go to bed by 9.30/45 as he's up early for school with him asleep by 10pm /10.15ish is the goal. Thats following a routine set by children's sleep support service who recommended no phone or gadgets for him after 8.30 for that bedtime. Its really tricky, we'd love to have no controls and not all the bloody hassle of it but if he ends up being on it 3-5 hours a day (doing non 'useful' things) I think we'd be remiss as parents. Just like we wouldn;t give him free access to other potentially harmful things. He IS quite immature, he DOESN'T show much natural self control so we have to work with the kid we have. His brother as it happens (younger) it totally different, sits and does all his homework every night without us even mentioning it, reads books, practising his music every night and spends very little time on his phone in comparison (he's 12 and also has a smart phone). Older DS does also have TV time and Xbox gaming (latter at weekends only, not school nights for all the reasons covered above).

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 29/09/2021 22:14

You would have had some very different responses is you had revealed the Aspergers, obsessive trait, and immaturity from the getgo.

It's an important element of this.

Charles11 · 29/09/2021 22:20

My 16 yr old still has limits. He needs to leave his phone downstairs while he does his homework and overnight. Otherwise he’s free to spend time on it as he wants. He often comes and watches tv with us instead.

Chickychoccyegg · 29/09/2021 22:23

I can't believe there's a 16 year old who gets locked out of their phone at 8.30!!!
That is just so unreasonable it's unbelievable!
I don't know op, I dont have restrictions on my dd15 phone, only rule is no phone at the dinner table, and we all sit and chat for a good hour/1.5 hours, she usually in the evening will facetime a friend, or be on a group chat, but she's never on it particularly late, she's always asleep by about 10.30, maybe see if there's a compromise somewhere?